16 year old leaves to go live with her dad, where did I go wrong? I gave everything I could. I feel LOST.

Kimberley - posted on 08/08/2011 ( 250 moms have responded )

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She recently decided to go live with her dad. I am torn apart about this. I feel screwed over. I am angry about it. I feel lonely, alone, and hurt to say the least. Anyone else deal with this situation? She is 16 years old. I know her dad has been pressuring her because she told me so. I AM HURT! Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks

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Janet - posted on 06/22/2013

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Omg! My 17 yr old daughter is visiting her dad in Ohio for her month summer visit and they changed her ticket form3 additional weeks and didn't tell me. He will be in contempt of court. Now my daught decided she doesn't want to come back at all. Her dad lets her drink and smoke cigs and pot and wants me to pay him child support when he never paid me a penny because he worked undertake table. I am remarried and my husband is in the army and we live in Hawaii. I understand my daughter misses her dad and older siblings and doesn't like having rules. I'm crushed. She now says she's been miserable and hates me. All because I don't let her run wild. My ex brainwashed my older 2 kids also by letting them run amuck with no supervision so I missed both their proms and graduations. I don't know what to do! Her dad owes me for out of pocket medical expenses but has our daughter convinced he doesn't and I should pay him support! Help! Please!

Jane - posted on 08/08/2011

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You can't take this decision personally. Odds are her dad has lured her with promises that things will be different if she lives with him. I hope that won't be true because it can be very easy for a 16 yo to make some bad decisions that will affect her adult life. However, at the age of 16 your daughter has a right to say with which parent she would rather live, so as long as there is no court order saying she cannot live with her dad she can decide to do it.

My brother's two daughters did the same thing, and their mom did turn out to let them have a lot more freedom, to such an extent that the girls managed to miss more than 60 days of school EACH. As a result the oldest has no chance of college scholarships, and the younger one took an extra year and a half to graduate from high school. Both girls drink and smoke and party way too much. To this day they still insist life is better at their mom's house but neither has developed the self-control to work for long-term goals.

What you need to do is first of all realize that your daughter is not abandoning you. She is adding her father to her life. She will always carry all of the internal rules you raised her by and someday she will realize what she did to you by leaving.

I sincerely hope that this is at least partly a case of "the grass is greener," and that her father does impose limits. Continue to stay in touch with your daughter and make sure to tell her that you love her. Prevail upon her and her dad to keep you up on what is going on in her life. Perhaps establish and email or texting relationship with her so she and you stay in touch.

Don't focus on your hurting feelings. Instead see this as a test of all the things you taught her since she was little, and go out and make some friends so you won't be lonely. Bear in min that kids typically leave home when they are 18, so she is just moving out a bit early.

Olivia - posted on 03/19/2013

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I have just gone through a similar experience....son moved in with dad 2 weeks ago because he feels my rules are too strict and dad is chill (his words). Things are not good between me and my ex and my son and has been able to play both parents for a long time. My ex has been a part time dad for a the last 5 years only having the kids 2 days a week...he is allowing our son to party, and living a lifestyle that is not realistic for a young boy. I am worried for his safety, his school work (which is suffering) and what he is NOT learning....hoping this is short lived but for the time being I don't feel like a can do a thing...I also think ex is taking great pleasure in the fact that he left my house and I feel like he will make every effort to keep him there....I definitely understand your pain....it is so awful

Pamela - posted on 04/05/2013

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My 16 year old daughter left 2 years ago to go live with my ex's parents, not him. They promised her a car, unlimited money and no supervision, so you can guess what she did. The last time I seen her was Christmas 2012, she doesn't call, or visit. She even posts on facebook that her aunt is her "mom" and her cousin is her little sister. You can imagine how this hurts. I recently ended up in the hospital for emergency surgery. Neither of my two older children called or came and seen me. (I guess I should mention that my son left when he was 16 as well, they promised the same things to him and he too jumped at it). The sad reality is that these people could care less about the kids, they just want to hurt me, and once that happens the kids are more or less on their own. My daughter is now dating a 21 year old who sits in the bar room and drinks with her with him, then drives her home. I mentioned it to my husband and he laughed and they all made a big joke of it. So, if you can tell me how to get past this, because I cry every day, then I would really appreciate it.

Rhonda - posted on 08/08/2011

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I'm sorry, Kimberly. But let me ask you some questions, will this be better for your daughter? What are the circumstances that lead her to this decision? Either way, sometimes we have to allow our teens to make their own decisions, so they can deal with the consequences. You are still her mother. Continue to be there to "mother". Insist on quality time several times a week. If you support her decision, instead of making her feel guilty about it, she'll be open to compromises to make this work. Keep the communication lines open between you.

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Kimberley - posted on 06/21/2013

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hi jana, yes I am alive. I was off this site for over a year. Things are good. How about you?

Kimberley - posted on 06/21/2013

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yes it is awful, but now that it has been two years since she's been gone she is doing wonderfully and is in college. :) and she and I talk and things are good. :) As they grow up I think our kids realize that hey mom won't be around forever. And if they don't think that way then most times they truly don't care and that is hard to bare as a mother. But I'm lucky she and I are close.

Kimberley - posted on 06/21/2013

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go away Jeff because you make no sense and are rude on my posting. I do not appreciate that!

Kimberley - posted on 06/21/2013

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It was too. Been a while since I posted this but she now lives on her own and is in college. So yes I find out that he never was at HIS house for her even though she moved in with him so sad HUH? But she is an adult now and is doing wonderful.

Kimberley - posted on 06/21/2013

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Make all the comments you want too but my child and I are close always will be regardless of people as yourself. THIS IS TO JEFF GORDON the guy who has nothing nice to say to anyone because he is a miserable rude jerk! But anyways.........

Carol-Lynn - posted on 04/24/2013

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I hear you!...My 14 yr old just left last week...I posted as well and I haven't gotten any responses or encouragement, not sure if I posted in the wrong place or something but hopefully my words at the end of my post brings some light and peace or at least hope in your situation...(here is my post)

I need encouragement and lots of prayers please! (Sons left home)

My ex-husband who was 38 at the time, abandoned me and our 3 boys, ages 10, 7 & 3 yr old for a 19 yr old security guard at work in the mines. A few mths later he started having 4 more children with this woman and they later got married. My 17 yr. old last fall left our home because he was caught breaking the law and was being disciplined at home by taking away his vehicle that my new husband and I insured for him. He moved into his girlfriend's home with her parents. The parents have no problem supporting them while they are playing house. Now the girlfriend dumped him and he is now dating a new girl and the parents still welcome him to live there. 
Now yesterday...my 14 yr. old son just left our home to move in with his father. He was also grounded...from his cell ph that we signed a contract for, and as his behavior and rebilloiousness escalated, his internet service. He continued to not come home and told us he would come home when he wanted. I still have my 10 yr. old living with me and I thank God for the blessing every day. I constantly gave to my children, breakfasts were made for them, packed their lunches, even brought hot dinners to my oldest at work for him, etc... I gave everything for them. I believe that my 14 yr. old was heavily persuaded by his father. My ex started allowing my son to have sleepovers with his 14 yr. old girlfriend! It's still beyond my understanding how this girl's mother was ok with this! I don't like bad-mouthing anyone, even including my ex but I felt it only fair if you had a bit of the history to understand clearly why I so desperately need your prayers. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for. Then you will call to me, and you will find me because you will seek me with all your heart." 
A few weeks ago a friend told me to read Isaiah 49:22-24 "The Sovereign LORD says to his people; "I will signal to the nations, and they will bring your children home. Kings will be like fathers to you; queens will be like mothers. They will bow low before you and honor you; they will humbly show their respect for you. Then you will know that I am the LORD; no one who waits for my help will be disappointed." 
I prayer that these verses will help all of the moms that are feeling the same pain and nightmare as I am once again. Please don't forget, God isn't the type who says, "nah, I change my mind, I'm not keeping my promise" or "no sorry, this promise isn't for you" ...He is a God who never changes and will always love you no matter what and will even be your husband the bible says! If we remain faithful and loving to Him, He promises "no one who waits for my help will be disappointed". Wow! that is pretty black & white. Please stay strong and mostly patient while God works on our behalf for victory. He already made us a promise....just sit still and watch expectedly. 
God bless each and everyone of you. May we all pray for each other. 
Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them."
p.s I am new to this circle and I have read many posts that talk of the same heart-break...please let's post our victories when God answer's our prayers. Let's bring His glory to Light...it's the least we can do when our prayers have been answered. And it will also encourage the rest of us who are waiting in the dark room of loneliness and heart-break. Thank you all.

Chaya - posted on 03/08/2013

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Her dad seems to be trying to control her, he'll pay for it in the end. One day your daughter will realize that her dad is being manipulative and she'll decrease contact or tell him to F off.
My ex was trying to coerse my daughter to live with him, she told her therapist who told him to grow up. My daughter's dad didn't want her to live with him so much as he wanted to avoid paying child support. If it had gone to court, dad wouldn't have been allowed to see our daughter at all.

Laurie - posted on 02/12/2013

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My 17 year old daughter went to live this semester with her stepfather in North Dakota. He and I are married (he is working in the oil patch for income) so there is still a strong family link. Nevertheless, I was surprised and hurt that she made the decision to leave. We had had several fights during the winter break and she did not want to follow my household rules (i.e. tell me where you are going and when you are coming home) and had been very disrespectful to me. So, my husband said unless she apologized to me and tried to better she would have to live with him. She chose to complete her senior year in another school rather than apologize. I had thought that overall we had a pretty good, close relationship. She and I had never been apart for more than a few weeks.

I have had a hard time adjusting to being alone (she was my baby) most of the time. I too have questioned why and have alternated between being angry, hurt and understanding. I do think that much of it is growing pains, trying to break free of parental guidance. Teens are so very self-absorbed at this age. I think that eventually that they will realize that the grass is not so green at the new environment but it will probably take a while longer to admit they might have made a mistake. Meanwhile, the mother has to have unbelievable patience and a thick skin to survive and forgive the behavior. You have to remind yourself that a lot worse things could have happened to your daughter and at least she is healthy and with someone that loves her. Remember that there is always hope for future reconciliation. Love her but don't chase after her. Let her grow up and hopefully, someday appreciate you. Good luck and God bless.

Melissa - posted on 02/11/2013

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Jeff your a bitter man and you must have some hang up in your closet to run this mom to the ground . But to say what your saying though at first I thought wow a mans point of view ! Quickly turned cold . Kim is having a difficult time dealing with this and venting her feelings and reaching out . Kim teen kids are a whole different speciece we dont know what happens when puberty starts but the most advance scientest wont be able to answer what is in the minds of our teen girls . She is feeding off your greif and loving the fact that she is rubbing your nose into her dramma . Just when she grows up and looks back who is she going to remember that fixed her boo boos , who is she going to remember who tucked her in at night and who sat next to her bed when she was sick . Who went prom dress shopping who went school shopping who went to doctors appointments who her father was not there it was you . So if she wants to find out who her father is let her . You were always their and when she finds her answers she will call . So now you work on you . Don't look at it as a horrable thing that she finds out what kind of guy he is he may have grown up or not either way you had the best years . He has the teen years LOL . Jeff don't be so critticle on people . It just makes you a bitter sounding person .

Jeff - posted on 02/10/2013

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Several times a week is too much. The child cannot be torn from home to home. Alternate weekends and a day during the week is customary.

Jeff - posted on 02/10/2013

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Think how her dad felt while his daughter was living with you, and you have your answer.
Dad has the same feelings and bond with his daughter that you do, the fact that she wishes to live with her dad, is a testament to her closeness to him, that should be respected. If you are to continue to have a relationship with her, I would not push the envelope, show her that you support her decision and wish only for her happiness.

Karen - posted on 12/14/2012

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This is exactly what I am doing.
She asked me to take her bed around yesterday .
I have not seen her for 4 weeks.
when I dropped the bed off and looked at her I lost the plot and started to cry , and she turned her back to me and I could see her tears rolling down her face, I couldn't talk so I just had to walk out , but we texted each other after I was home, that way seems so much easier.
I can see she is hurting and it kills me .

I told her that she is welcome to come here when I am not home if she likes to see her pets and to just chill out and have her own space, and I would leave some yummy treats in the fridge for her, and she said " thank you" and that meant so much to hear that.
I know over time it will get better .

I was up set though as she texted me and said I would not see her over Xmas or her birthday the week after, and she wanted me to bring her presents over to her yesterday.
I told her I didn't have her Xmas present yet , but that when I did I will leave them here with me and she could pop over and collect them.
For her birthday I got her personal number plates, and for Xmas a bottle of Crystal Vodka in a skull shaped bottle that she will love, as her name is crystal and she loves skulls.
I just hope that she is not contacting me by text just to get her presents and then avoid me again after she gets them .

Tracey - posted on 12/14/2012

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My son did the same thing to me. He hates his step-dad. I was afraid that he wAs going to kill himself if he stayed with us. So I'd rather have him alive with his dad then to be miserable with us.

I did the same thing to my mom when she divorced my dad. She felt the same way. She never gave up on me and my rotten attitude. She called me everyday whether I wanted to talk or not. I ended up living with her and my attitude changed.

Just keep in contact with her, but let her have her space too

Jeanne - posted on 12/12/2012

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Well tomorrow is the contempt hearing for her dad. It has been 8 wks since I last seen her. Today in the mail I have received a letter from his lawyer sueing me for custody. And he also requested an on camera interview for our daughter. Obviously she is going to say bad things about me. They turned her against me and she hasn't seen me in 8 wks. He doesn't even live in the school district. Does anyone have any advice or has been in this situation before???

Karen - posted on 12/12/2012

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She is 20 years old and is her own boss , but yes I think he could be 2 facing me .

he is nice to my face , but then my daughter tells be dad is always on her side.

karen.

Chaya - posted on 12/10/2012

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You probably should feel hurt. It sounds to me that it isn't your daughter that's the problem, it's her dad.

I've had custody of our daughter since she was 10 months old, although we didn't separate until she was 12, her dad tried to pressure her a few times. I literally had to take him into court to tell him to back off. That may be an option for you

Chaya - posted on 12/10/2012

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You probably should feel hurt. It sounds to me that it isn't your daughter that's the problem, it's her dad.

I've had custody of our daughter since she was 10 months old, although we didn't separate until she was 12, her dad tried to pressure her a few times. I literally had to take him into court to tell him to back off. That may be an option for you

Cynthia - posted on 12/10/2012

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel as I am going through the exact same thing with my 15 year old daughter. She decided to go live with her father. He never had anything to do with her because going out with his buddies has always been more important her entire life. I can count on one hand how many of her activites he attended before we divorced. Just pray God opens her eyes to see him for what he is and realize you are the one who has and always will be there for her. That is what I am doing. I there for you . look me up on Facebook if you need someone to talk to that is going through this. Cynthia Harris Griffin.

Karen - posted on 12/07/2012

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Thank you for that.

We had words texting on the phone but the next day I text to her that " I am your mum and I will always love you unconditionally"

I know this is the best I can do .

Julia - posted on 12/07/2012

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Mine did that at 16. Her dad won't let her see me for 4 years. She moved out at 19 and we a very good relationship. Maine's dad pressured her and she hated living with him. She will come around be patient and don't stop telling her you love her.

Karen - posted on 12/06/2012

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What a lovely letter.

I might try the jokes part and see if that will get me a text.

Thank you so much for that.

karen

Lauren - posted on 12/05/2012

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My daughter made the decision to live with her father a year ago. Sometimes we text. For a while, I tried to do things with her only for her to tell me how busy she was or she plain forgot that we agreed to get together; I was left hanging. This is heartwrenching. I felt grieved, angry, hurt and lonely. Im from a Hispanic background and live with my mother, yet it is only part time as she leaves for a few months. I feel blessed and I wish she knew how blessed she was to grow up in a nice place. I had her in private school since 18 months until about fourth grade when I decided she needed friends in her neighborhood cause the Montessori school was so far. I worked there for years and we went together. I had tuition for free. I also have a 21 year old daughter. Montessori helped my children become independent and self reliant and motivated, so this I am grateful for. I tried my best not to take it personal but I still felt lost. Then my partner got into a severe burn accident and burnt his legs and feet and lower abdomen. This was also painful to see him in the hospital from June to Sept. then in an acute rehab center. Not one of his family members came to visit even when he almost died from the severity of infections from MERSA and then another from a hole in his colon. During this time, I had a precious dog. If anyone has ever been blessed with a dog that just knows you, and is always there, then you know that it isnt just a dog. She got cancer and I had to euthanize her. I tried to start school in Aug. but my loved one was still in the hospital in severe pain, mostly from many bandage changes. He is a survivor but cannot walk. The shoe melted on his foot. I felt depression deeply being alone. I could not focus. I really turned to my faith as the days went by; this faith that became Forwarding All Things Into Heaven. I never questioned my God, and asked for Him to fill the space where I felt completely unloved by my daughter as some texts were unanswered. She got a car, see, and worked on it with her dad. Im proud of her and her achievement in school and her independence in which the building blocks were set for her, but the streak of a silent treatment was cruel. To say that Im completely over it is just not a reality, yet I am grateful that a God I chose to believe in has helped me lift the pain and fear and loneliness with His promises. People need to have hope. I dont believe in luck for sure with the fallen nature of the work and the terrible events that happen, but I can have a choice. My faith quivered especially when my daughter said she was an atheist. I just smiled. Its her journey and I will, as to not turn her off, continue to say that I pray over her everyday a hedge of protection and the armor of God according to Eph. 6:11. With Gods help, I can discern what Im up against and He knows our endless fears as mothers. I think this is when I finally just made the choice to ask myself, What does it hurt to believe? Because some things are just out of our control. Its not a copout...especially if they are of legal age to make the decision to do things once they taste that freedom. Although I still feel a pang of pain, I know I need to turn it over, just tell her I love her and release any fault finding between the both of us that led up to this situation where I felt betrayed. I was only 19 when I had my first and then 22. I never went to college as planned; I did what I needed to do for them, because my oldest had an accident that blinded her right eye. Now Im going to try again in the Spring for the classes I had to withdraw from cause I saw my guy deteriorating in the hospital. He is amazingly healed and we are writing a book together as well, The Shield of Faith. Mothers, that love that we feel for our children, or sometimes even being numb from the emotional pain and it is a defense mechanism from more unbearable emotional pain...is sacred from them being in the womb. While I understand the need for young women to reach out to their fathers, that love is God given. Why do I say this? Because nothing else drove me to my knees in prayer than to ask this Almighty God for blessings to surround them in their comings and goings , to keep them in the secret place of His presence. I do not believe in religion so much but a relationship. I never really took it serious before. So if you have read this far, I thank you, and I would like to apply Psalm 91 over all your children as well, if I may. I will still communicate even with unanswered texts to my daughter, I think I'll start telling her corny jokes so she really thinks I have lost my mind haha. And then I'll make gingerbread cookies with her features on them and send them to her in the mail. Haha Im not loony, Im just getting creative. Why? Because IM THE MOM. ; )

Karen - posted on 12/05/2012

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I what is helping me cope is that i have just started seeing a very nice man and he has kids as well, everyone just says to me let her go she will talk when she is ready.

I send her text telling her I love her all the time.

I can not do anything else .

Just be patient .

Karen

Susan - posted on 12/03/2012

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I had the same thing happen to me. I think it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru in my life.. we were sooooooo close them bam out of the blue ...Gone... doesn't want to talk to me, see me, nothing. It is killing me in side. I don't know what to do.

Karen - posted on 12/03/2012

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He left and had nothing to do with his daughter who is now 18, he has only just got into her life .

so she never had a bond with him.

When we first broke up we had agreed that I would not get child support , but eventually child support got on to him.

He actually left us as he was not ready to settle down .

We have a great relationship that is all that matters , and for our daughter to see us happy.

Jeanne - posted on 12/03/2012

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Not all stories are the same. The REALITY is that he was never there in the first place. We never married and we split when I was 3 months pregnant. Not once had he contacted me to see how I was during the 9 months of hell I endured because of medical problems. Not once did he help out in all of the times I had to take her to the hospital for blood tests when she was only months old.

The reality is that he never helped in any way. No help with Prom, no help with her 16th Birthday party, hell he couldn't even show up.

So the answer is yes...even if I didn't receive support, I would of the the piece of crap anyways.

so you shouldn't judge before you know the whole story. He had every right to see her on his visitations but didn't bother.

Susan - posted on 12/03/2012

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All of you aree so out of touch with reality it is pretty sad.



You say that this is the first time that your son/daughter lived with his/her dad. Why hasn't this happened before? Why does your child only stay with you and not your ex?

Maybe now you know what it feels like to have a child taken from you.



If you were not to get child support, and alimony from your ex would you have still left him?

If you knew that you would not be granted custody would you still have left him?



Face reality!

Jeanne - posted on 12/02/2012

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UUGGHHH! Kids these days! It is awful what we have to go through. Your daughter will see the light soon. Mine still hasn't but there is still hope. I will never give up on her. It now has been 7 wks since I have seen her. I got the school counsler involved and she has been talking to her a few days a week and I think she has hit the source of this rejection I get. Of course it is the BF. I also have a contempt conference scheduled for Dec. 13th, BEFORE Christmas. Thank God! I lost Thanksgiving because of this punk-ass kid and I will not lose another.

I just wish there was a way we all could have our kids back and everyone realize that THEY are the ones that get hurt in all of this.

Karen - posted on 11/30/2012

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You poor soul, I so feel for you as I am going through the same thing.

My daughter moved out with a guy that she only knew for not even a week, she wanted to come back,after the next week as she could not stand him, but she treats me like shit end does not even talk to me in the house and is always telling me to go way.

I told her she can go live with her dad now as she has never lived with him before, and he might sort her attitude problem out.

She wont reply to my text or even call me to let me know she is OK.

she has been gone for 1 month now and the first 2 weeks were so hard s I could not stop crying.

I have met my self a nice gentleman and the good thing is I suppose is she is not in the way making it hard for me to get to know him , as she has always had a problem with me seeing someone and being happy.

Thank god him and I are so getting on , and this is taking my mind off of her.

I miss her so much and it kills me to think Christmas is not far away and that I am worried I wont even hear from her.

Karen

Jeanne - posted on 11/23/2012

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The father is also in contempt no matter what. I do plan on filing. Instead of making her move legal in the courts, he just went to have his support terminated. All about money for him. He is also in another school district. On top of all of this before she left, her bf was mad at me and sent her a text stating he hates my fn guts and says he's going to kill me!! Nice right??

Then told her if she ever talks to me again or runs back to me for anything he is going to leave her. So Thanksgiving came and went and nothing from my daughter. It has been 6 weeks on Sunday. Should I charge the bf for threats??? I am going out of my mind. trying to keep it together for my son, although he is being more mature than his older sister.

Nobody on my side has heard from her at all. It is tearing my mom to pieces. I have to do something.



Thanks,

Jeanne

B - posted on 11/13/2012

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Ugh, the bf complicates this. I would take legal action against being blocked. I would continue to let your daughter know that you love her. This bf sounds like bad news and your daughter could end up accepting being in abusive relationships. since your daughter is close to being a legal adult, the last thing you want is for her to cut you completely out of your life. I would let her know that you accept and respect her choices,get the door open to communication with her. Don't judge or fight, it will only drive her away further. If you can have contact with her again, I would recommend being positive and supportive - work on making her feel good about herself and build up her self esteem. Maybe then she will be able to see on her own the poor decisions she is making. Hang in there and be patient. Let her know you are always there for her, no questions asked and that your door is always open. She knows what you have done for her and that you love her. She is just being rebellious right now. I wish you all the best. Btw, my son came home, he just wanted some space.

Jeanne - posted on 11/12/2012

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Hello everyone. I am a single mom of two. I live in PA. I have the same issue as everyone else here. I have primary physical custody of my 17 yr old daughter. She has lived with me all her life. Her dad was barely in her life. She never wanted to stay with him. She got this bf and I hate him. He is 19. He emotionally abuses her and has her self esteem at a minimal. When I told him he wasn't allowed at my house anymore he went to her dad and talked her into to going with him. Her dad and I agreed she could stay with him for 2 wks till things calmed down between her and I. Now she doesn't want to come back and he says he isn't making her. She has been gone for 4 wks now with no contact with me at all. I do not know what to do.........They blocked me one her cell and facebook page. I am planning on filing contempt charges. They have changed her address and everything, even though I still have custody.

She has blocked out my whole side of the family because of this bf and her dad. Any suggestions??

Thank you

Jeanne

B - posted on 11/10/2012

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I'm going through the same thing, but it's real fresh. My 17 year old son moved out 6 days ago to live with his dad. I'm told him I respect his decision. I'm trying to stay unemotional but it's hard. I haven't seen him, only text messages. I think it's best to just let her know you are there for her and the door is always open. I fear if I force my self on him it will only push him away more. I have been a great mom, but my narcissistic ex husband has been wanting to do this to hurt me. He doesn't want his son, he never cared for him at all growing up. But I am I'm the bad guy and he wants his needy dad who now going through yet another divorce.. I am broken hearted, my son and I used to be so close, but he has drifted from me over the past few years. I accepted it as typical teen behavior. I fear I may have lost him for good. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. Just give your daughter her space and hopefully she will begin to see what she left. Maybe she will return with a new appreciation. Be sure to take care of yourself during such a stressful time.

B - posted on 11/09/2012

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My 17 year old son just left to live with his dad. His dad is a nightmare. He doesn't love my son, he just wants to hurt me. My son is such a good kid, but so confused. I am so worried àbout him. I havent seen him in a week and a half , only a few texts. I am sick over this. I can't sleep and cry everyday. I can't cope with this. I know how you feel when you say you feel lost. I don't know what to do.

Susan - posted on 11/03/2012

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Hi Kimberly

I'm going through the same thing my daughter is 15 she has been my whole world, I did everything to make her happy we were best friends. She she had me served with court papers 3 weeks ago.Bam outta the blue.... she's been gone a week and I cry all the time. Her dad is an alcoholic, has promised her the moon. I am so hurt, I have lost my mind! SUSAN

Cindy - posted on 10/29/2012

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Yes, the boys give them confidence and they only know how to bash their moms with it. It is immature. It reminds me of a waitress trying to carry glasses on a tray for the first time. If you think that they are going to be the ones to compromise and be fair you need to brace yourself. If you are combative it will backfire. Stay calm and prepare for rebellion. My daughter became nicer and better to me because she is a nice person. However she resents that I try and be her Mom (as if it is a bad thing). We finally get along because she realizes she needs me and her dad is not really there for her. He makes her be my son's mother. My boyfriend takes all the slack too. He is half the ex's age and twice nature. That is another blow to the ex. They always try and protect and bond with the crippled parent. It stinks......it really is unfair. You need to build up your life and success and happiness. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 10/29/2012

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I would completly understand that if she didn't have a strong stepfather in her life that has fought to save her...when her biologicial dad didn't give a crap her stepdad was always there for her..but why does it have to be done in a way that is so hurtful? She has always been able to talk to me about anything until she started having this texting relationship with this so called "boy"..the moment I busted her on that..it all went downhill from there!

Judi - posted on 10/28/2012

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This is normal. It's the age when your daughter is needing to bond with the opposite sex so she instinctually needs to be close to her father.

Cindy - posted on 10/28/2012

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Hi Michelle, it is the hardest thing to go through I feel. You have no warning with a teen and they are unsure of things and irrational. The decision to move out is extreme and exactly like a death without warning-zap they are gone. If the ex was good to begin with, you wouldn't be apart. The ex uses this as a tool to be further vindictive. "I think it is not productive for Tim to be with you" Please explain productive and who asked him! First, my daughter moved out ( she didn't have tough restrictions at all but I wanted her to stay home one night after a long vacation so I said no to seeing her boyfriend so she moved out). A month later my son was having a more serious issue so I deemed him grounded with no cell phone. Two days later, he moved out. It is beyond tragic and fair. The ex doesn't communicate and sabotages my time. I have organized plans for the children with rides and dinner and jut schedules. Rather than him send his son back home to honor schedules already planned he waits til an hour before to tell me Tim needs a ride. He has deduced me to giving him a ride occasionally and my son will not talk to me anymore. My daughter is back home and things are good but she ultimately planted the seed for my son. I think she manipulated the situation. The father is horrible. Evil. He has emotionally distanced my son from me through slander. I too had to quit my second yoga job two evenings a week than the brat moves out. This was suppose to be money for a car. The fact that the father is never home, hires other people to drive my son when I live two minutes away says it all.

Michelle - posted on 10/27/2012

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I am going through this right now. My 15 year old decided to pick up and leave to her dads house because she don't like my rules. She says I put to much responsibility on her for only being 15..all she has to do is load the dishwasher, clean her room and help with laundry. When I was working she had the job of making sure her younger brother and sister took showers for school and ate dinner while my husband was on his way home from work. We also paid her to do this. She told me" I feel like their mom"..it really wasn't that bad. I could see if my husband and I were going to the bar and partying, but to have her watch them while I'm working evenings and he's on his way home is a little extreme. I finally decided to quit my job because I realized it may be to much on her. She is not allowed to have boyfriends until the age 0f 16 and she has been lying to me for weeks now, I told her that once you lie it's very hard to believe again. Then her and her "boyfriend" came up with a story to tell me that he died from cancer so they could still talk and that was a lie! I have been the only parent truly here for her. She is my best friend and I am lost without her. She dosen't seem to care on how this has impacted her brother and sister , me and her step-dad. Her dad she lives with now is stating that I kicked her out of the home..which I did no such thing..I told her that if she don't like the rules here and can't abide by them then maybe you should go stay with your dad. She said fine..and started packing her clothes and he picked her up. So now he is going to be taking me to court for something..we already have 50/50 custody on joint and physical..I am so angry! Why is it that we as moms will do anything for our children and they run to the ones who won't do a dang thing for them? I am so confused and lost..we did everything together..I was her mother first, but then also her best friend..I don't get it..Someone with any advice please help!

Karen - posted on 10/21/2012

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I can completely understand your situation. My son left to live with his father 6months ago at age 16. He is now 17. He refused to even look for a job when living between both homes but now that he is with his father, he started working at McDonalds. I delayed him getting a drivers license due to disrespect. Of course when he moves in with Daddy, he gets his drivers license. His father tends to be (in my opinion) overly harsh with punitive lectures, is also a drinker and can get very angry. I have my rules and expectations and refused to be walked over. I believe the major difference in my expectations is I will hold him accountable for his actions of right and wrong. I won't except anything less. My ex has never encouraged his children to havt a relationship with me, but I have always encouraged one with their father. Two years ago my son asked if he could live with me. My answer was, whatever your issues are with your father and his girlfriend you need to work it out. There's a court order and it needs to be followed. I have two 2 step sons (14, 12) who then decided they can just live with their mother. My daughter who is the oldest is in college. So the last 4 months we became empty nesters that has left a huge whole in our hearts. What is boiled down to were 2 things: Parent alienation (look it up...many articles). A horrible thing for a parent to do. The 2nd is all about childsupport. My ex is 100K in arrears and this is his strategy to get me now to pay childsupport and off set his $$ that he owes and the hole he dug for himself. What is sad is my son is supporting his game. In meantime I'm grieving and am being left out of his life. Our steps sons mother, is doing the same thing. took my husband to court and filed a motion to have the boys fulltime. She of course wants more money. she doesnt work, she claims disability (btw her disability changes every year) and plays the system. My husband was still awarded time but was reduced and her childsupport has doubled. The oldest still refuses to leave the house and she was told by the judge she should call the police... to enforce the order. But she hasnt. Most likely going to try for more support. What I cannot understand is how our court system rewards dead beat parents and punishes the ones who follow the order. My husband and I cannot understand, what we have done to be so betrayed by our children. It hurts, it is painful, we are grieving and so very angry. We try to call, text and make plans to see them but they refuse to respond. I wish I could give you advice but I truly have none. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think our children would do this to us. It was my ex who had an affair and left the family. It was my ex who quit an 80K job (comupters) to avoid paying childsupport. They had to live with his girlfriend, same woman he cheated on when we were married. She's be mean, verbally abusive and also a drinker. His girlfriend supported them financially. I worked full time plus some. Was a single parent for 11 yrs (even while I was married I did it all). did the best I could. Held my head high when I attended school functions and knew I had to see my ex and his girlfriend. They wouldn't even let my children say hi to me. I can't tell you how many times I held it in only to cry myself asleep. I told myself that when they get older they will see the light. They will understand what I went through and how hard it was. And you know what...they see me as the one at fault. I truly do not understand. I am not convinced that when they are adults that they will ever get it. They have been so convinced by their father over the years that they do not know what the real truth is. I feel I have lost my son forever. I have a strong belief and I people tell me all the time that God has a plan. I just cannot understand a plan that is about continuous emotional pain and actions of others has caused me to lose permanent time with my children and also watch them suffer. The rejection, the betrayal etc. Yet praying, praying that this finally come to an end and watch the exes receive all the benefits and at the same time make a mess of our children's lives. REALLY...what kind of plan continues to have the same kind of pain, year after year. to be honest it has been 2 decades for me. Kim, I will continue to let me son know I am here. I continue to text him, just be rejected over and over. In my situation I have lost all hope. I do know that my daughter is here and in my life. Through her I know a little about my son's life. However he has written me out and my fear is the longer this goes on with no contact, I become out of sight and out of mind. I'm a nobody to him.

Leddy - posted on 10/10/2012

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Omg I know how you feel my 14 and 15 are working together to move back to their dads, while I was at work they had dad file for emergency custody where did I go wrong.

Cindy - posted on 09/28/2012

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Wow. This sight is disorganized and I am wondering if I am writing to the right person. If I am, I am impressed with your clarity and strength in describing your situation. It seems you raised your children, did everything ( I can relate), became tired as they grew into teenagers, and the ex moved in for the kill with his on the surface better life and the children went to him to express their anger on him but stayed.

I think they want to protect and give you a break. Children want their parents to be happy and seek their role as saviors often in strange ways. I was so distraught temporarily when my daughter (turned 17) had my niece pick her up and take her to her dads. She was sweet enough to tell me she was staying for the summer but it wasn't right. It happened as a slap in my face as I had just taken her to the beach and given her a surprise party and dropped my life for them. Anyway, they are back with me 60% of the time but I see the situation differently now. I don't care. I cannot control it. I work my tale off and would sell my soul for my children and if that provides strength for them in their lives, I have done my job. I don't want to own or control them. That is what the father does. I pay the price for his bologna. I cried for four weeks when my daughter took off to stay with her dad for six weeks. I had never been away from her for more than one week. I missed her laugh and her smile. She hurt my son too. He looked up to her and needs her. She admitted she had her selfish moment but the dad contributed to this, he truly did. He has done emotional damage to my children I can never forgive him for, ever. My job in my life and theirs is to be the one rock and pray they have functional lives with a lot of love and good people. You will be OK. They will come back I know it.

Sheila - posted on 09/27/2012

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Hey I hear ya! I am researching this topic because we are in the same boat! Guess we are not alone and the stories of what we have done for them vs the exs go on forever! but alot of these ladies are right....I am hurting but I have to believe I have done my best and she will carry on my morals, values..etc always ...even if she has changed drastically for the not so good or not so nice. But some how we have to come to acceptance and yes they are almost 17 which is one year away from 18. Supposedly an adult and they can move on and move out.....As I did. Raising her is sure not what I expected, with her choices now to go to him..... considering what he didn't do for most of her life.......but again she/they want to reap the benifits of what they will keep on getting while the exs keep on and giving....makes us feel somewhat ripped of yes but hang in there as I will try too! hugs =]

Steve James - posted on 09/27/2012

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Hi, I apologise first for the long story and secondly for pushing in on a moms site but this is a little different and sorry but I'm a dad not a mom but I'm trying to find answers too, my 17 year old daughter ( sorry step daughter ) I've bought her up as my own with my wife since she was 8. Her father left when she was 5 and her sister was 18 months,

Jane and I married when she was Ab was 9 and Paige was 7 ( this is ish!! Typical dad! Sorry)

I sold my house to clear the load, the ex had against the house the mortgage arrears he left them with and paid him off what the courts said he should get from the house value( this came to £52.000 ) I had to take out a loan aswell to pay the full amount shortly after he stopped paying any money to the girls and stopped seeing them, Jane and I have struggled along for 7 years to give the kids the best we could ans trying to keep our heads above water and a roof over our heads we had a 3rd girl ( Lilly) in 2006. Non of Gary's (the ex) who left with a so called lady from work ( how original) or his family had bothered to contact the girls do anything for them or even a card at Christmas or b'days for 7 years we had gone through alot as a family I'd been made redundant but managed to fined work being self employed but the work wasn't regular and I was worrying that I was letting my family down and was failing them,( a bit of a wuss! ) I had a breakdown about 3 years ago,

We have battled through and I got a job with a company I used to work with at my old job we kept the house and are still going as Jane and I thought happily 18 months ago the girls uncle contacted Paige through face book and at first was really upset. But after we sat and talked the girls and Jane thought it would be nice to meet up and see how things go. I was fine with this , the last thing I would do is tell them they couldn't see them but had asked promise me you'll alwasys be my girls?? We met up and he said he wouldn't interfere with the family and we all got on as I though great going out together and even on holiday together now I'm not making out I'm a saint as all teens and parents do we have had fallings out Ab fell pregnant 12 months ago but chose not to keep it, we had always supported her and her boyfriend even getting him a plumbers apprentaship with a freind of our but he walked out and is still now 9 months on out of work. At the point he walked out on the job I think was probably the turning point, Jane struggled to get on with Connor I was upset and had said the reason why we were worried and bitter that he had thrown away the best change they had at a good life not struggling for money like we are Ab was training to be a hairdresser like Jane, 2 weeks ago I found out she was taking the money we gave her to go to collage on the bus £5 a day and instead going to see Connor when I called and told her to get home and explain what the hell she was playing at a 30 second call,

It turned out she didn't come home but jumped a train th stoke and is now living with the uncle and his girlfriend and has said thanks but she thinks it's time to move on and he has become abusive and is calling us basically scum!! I realise this is a very long story but I have left out all sorts evolving her drinking skinny dipping at closed pools and being arrested! Ive called and begged her to come home like a baby ( I sound like a right wuss!!) she now wants to come and collect her clothes on Sunday we don't know what is best do we stay home and see her and try 1 last time or just let her go? And can someone tell me how the hell they have gore through something like this? Jane and I can't think about anything else, and how does a family get through things like this how do we just step back and become nobody or even the second family in the background ???????? Sorry for waffling just needed somewhere to sound off ,



Steve

Mardi - posted on 09/24/2012

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Jill you definately need to lay some ground rules, and being a doormat for your daughter, not to mention your ex getting off easy.



If your daughter wants all the changes of living with her dad, its time he picked up some of the responsibility that goes to the parent housing the child....ie, helping her get her way home from school, or work, if need be help her to change jobs and running her to and from for those said jobs.



At the moment she has the best of all worlds, still gets to hang out at your place, have you run around after her.....this has to stop. She either wants to live with you and have you do those things for her, or at her fathers and have him do it (or like my ex) not do it and have to deal with those consequences. If she thinks she is big enough to deal with this, then she needs to deal with all aspects of it.



You concentrate on your studies and work, and dont burn yourself out for an unappreciating child and a lazy ex, you divorced him, you owe him nothing. Good luck

Jill - posted on 09/24/2012

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what if its early in the process... my 16-year just up and left and went to her dad's. Is blaming me not being there for her, and is also blaming my current husband for being rude to her. we are apologizing and trying to make amends. But I feel like I am getting and gonna get manipulated in the process. Her dad lives out of the school district so he drives her to school in the morning. She is currently coming to my house after svhool and I am expected to drive her to her dad's every night when I get home from work. She also works a part time job near my house, and sometimes gets off work at 9 or 10 pm. I am also expected to do that drive. Just a bit of background, I work at 3 a.m. to 9 a.m. My job is going away due to technology and I have returned to school. I am in school until 5 p.m. I don't want to work those crazy hours but my ex has figured out a legal loophole since he got laid off 5 years ago to barely pay support and only gives $350 a month for 2 kids. I don't know how long I can physically or emotionally keep up the daily drive to his house. I have been advised its time with her and I should take advantage of it. But it feels like I am being used and she gets to come to my house but not have any responsibilities my son still has, and then gets to up and leave and disrupt the entire household. I basically feel like I am supporting her running away and helping her establish herself in that household while extending myself even further physically and emotionally than I can sensibly do. help

Teresa - posted on 09/16/2012

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WOW! Reading everything here really made me feel better to know that I'm not alone. My friends and family keep telling me she will come back and to be patient. My daughter who is 16 left to go live with her father over a year ago. Things went from bad to worse when I found a picture of a boy in my house on her bed on Facebook. If she really didn't want to get caught, she wouldn't have posted it. But, I confiscated all electronics... two days later, she told me she would be going to stay with her father. I thought it would be temporary, but before too long, I got an ultimatum from my ex-husband stating that if I didn't agree to the terms, he would go to court and my daughter would have to go before the judge. Everything I've done, like most of you, was for HER. After the divorce, I stayed in a job I hated, remained in the area FOR HER. She is very talented and smart and I think she has manipulated the whole situation. Briefly, she came back for about three months, and did nothing but complain about how terrible things were with her father.... how he allowed her to stay at her boyfriend's house for the WHOLE Thanksgiving holiday.... refused to take her to the doctor when she was sick or pick up her medicine. Oh let me add... He has moved in a much older, uneducated, still married PSYCHO. This woman has been harassing me, sending me messages about how she got my husband and how much money he makes and how she is the one who takes my daughter to the doctor now and how I made my daughter feel bad. It's a huge mess. I have no contact with my ex-husband or daughter. My ex-husband used to sometimes respond to emails or texts, but this woman has infiltrated his email and intercepts any communication I attempt and responds back to me with venom. My daughter has always sought her father's affection, and by choosing HIM over me, he will give her what she wants... all the freedom. He and I both lost our jobs last year and it was tough all around. However, my daughter has figured out where she can get the most freedom and money. In May, when she told me she wanted to go back with her father because my fiance and I are too boring, I lost it all over again. She came back for 4 months, but I never trusted her. It was just like the same knife in my back, going deeper this time. Money has been a real struggle and I just started working again last week. I don't know what to do to get my daughter back. I just want to see her and hug her, but when I think about the reality of seeing her and talking her with her messed up spoiled, princess attitude all it does is make me sick to my stomach. I will always love her, but I really am so disappointed and don't like her behavior. She knows where I am and how to get in touch with me. I'm not ready to continue bending over backwards, sacrificing myself for her to treat me like dirt. I did that too long with her father and I don't deserve to be treated that why by anyone, least of my child, who I have done everything for since the day I found out I was pregnant. Oh by the way, the terms of my ex-husband's ultimatum included that I would not pay child support.... the jerk always made more than 2 times what I made... as a result, I lost the house because the child support didn't even cover the mortgage. And now I'm the villian because the house went to foreclosure. Uh, it isn't rocket science. He knew how much I made. He knew how much the mortgage was. He knew when he stopped paying child support. He's a very smart man who wears blinders because he is an emotionally lazy and stunted, completely selfish man-child. In his view, everything that isn't right in his life, will always be my fault. He wouldn't have ANYTHING in this country, if I hadn't given him a chance. The whole thing makes me sick. I just want my daughter to soften her heart and return to the nice, sweet person that I want to desperately to believe is still inside her. Oh and she lost her virginity while under her father's care.... Sure, it COULD have happened under my watch, but it definitely would have been more difficult. Anyway, I appreciate finding this forum... Oh and it's so much harder for me: I'm an only child who has an only child. Her departure has hurt so many family members and friends who love her and are just so disappointed. Her little godcousins have always looked up to her and she doesn't even communicate with her 'aunts' or grandmother or anything... The pain just never goes away.

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