16 year old son out of control. Please help !

Maxi - posted on 06/02/2012 ( 42 moms have responded )

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I need help ! My 16 year old son is out of control. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was much younger. We have been to therapy and counelling for most of his life. He currently has charges for drugs, violence towards me, and damage to our home. I believe he is stoned (marijuana) 24/7, no longer goes to schooll, comes and goes as he pleases, smokes pot in his room, and it goes on. We have taken away his cell phone, we do not give him money (I suspect he is even dealing in drugs). Have contacted Child and Family Services, and we could put him in a group home, but they strongly advise against this. We have been told that placing him in a group home could only make it worse for him. He was already placed in a foster home for 6 months due to his violent behaviour towards me. I love him to death, but we can't continue to live like this. He is running the show and our lives. We even looked at kicking him out of the house, but we would still be financially responsible for him until he is 18, and would have to find a place for him. Please do not suggest to talk to him, or try to work it out and reason with him... been there, done that !

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Julie - posted on 07/08/2012

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The Group Home, if it is Rehabilitative should be a good option? Not sure why it would be discouraged....I mean, can it get any worse?! Would your son change his behavior knowing the consequence of group home or jail is the alternative?
That would be my last card to play, Other wise call the cops and have him arrested. At least you will know he is "safe" and sober in jail. Tough love, tough lessons, but the real world doesn't care so much about the love...and if he needs a "wake up call" maybe a little time for the crime will to the trick. Sorry you have to go through this, my sister is in a similar predicament. The state doesn't want him, but they won't let her have him? It's like there is no place for these kids to go to get help, and feel welcomed.

Sandra - posted on 06/17/2012

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Group Home. Do it, absolutely! Seriously, I believe you should trust YOUR instincts. Not Child & Family Services. I believe they are doing you and your son a "dis-service" by steering you away from a group home environment.

I have a 24 year old Step-Son. He began smoking pot in High School. His parents didn't think smoking a "little weed" was such a big deal. Sometimes it isn't.... However, my son flunked out of College 3 years ago, started doing oxy, refuses to work and after 1 year of rehab, more drugs and refusing to get a job he was kicked out of the house.

He has lived in his truck for 2 years & still refuses to work! We sent him to live w/h a relative in another state believing it would be a "fresh start" and to get him away from this negative environment. He stayed there 5 months. The only requirement, stay off drugs, find a job, go to church every sunday and sign up for military. He didn't do any of it. They finally shipped him back here and he is living in his truck again. Soooo frustrating! We do not give him money or help. We have tried everything, advice, paying for him a play to stay, giving him job leads, tough love, etc... So, I say:

Bottom line....Do the group home!

Valerie - posted on 06/18/2012

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I agree with the post about calling the police back, talking to someone higher up if need be. Whoever told you that your son has the right to take your things and smoke pot in your house is NOT doing their job!!! Taking your things is stealing, whether he lives there or not, and smoking pot is illegal, EVEN if you live in a state that has "legalized" it as much as possible, like I do in CA, a MINOR cannot drink alcohol OR smoke pot or even cigarettes for that matter... and if he is smoking a joint in front of you.. go in another room and call the police. I have also been instructed to call the police when my daughters verbally abuse me- which sounds like your son does that too.... some officers are very helpful, some are not, but ALL of them must write a report.. those reports add up over time.. I was losing all hope of getting help with my girls until they FINALLY arrested them and they went to juvenile hall and had to go to court and received sentencing from the judge.. once we FINALLY got into the system, it has been very helpful.. just keep calling the police.. eventually if he continues this behavior, things will catch up and the real consequences will come.. it's so very frustrating, sad, etc etc etc, but there really truly is help out there.

Kristi - posted on 06/17/2012

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Angie--Yours is an amazing story of courage, unconditional love and total dedication. What a story of hope for other parents in similar situations. I think in many cases, parents are their own worst enemy because they fear making things worse and/or losing their child all together (and who wouldn't be) so they give up on making the kind of tough choices, like the ones you made, time after time until the right solution comes along. Obviously, there is much more to it than that, but with my best friend and a couple other people I've known, along with many of the stories I've read on here, it is just too difficult to "let go," so to speak. My friend went through this with her daughter from 15 - 23. The two reasons she was finally able to put her foot down were, one, her grandchildren were in danger and two, she got help for herself, which gave her the strength and courage she needed to say no more. And I am not judging anybody, because I might be able to talk the talk but who's to know what would really happen if I had to walk the walk.

So for now, we all just help Maxi the best we can and pray for her and hope she has an outcome like your's, Angie or June's, sometime soon. And all of you ladies deserve a big shout out (and so much more) for your advocacy and commitment to your children.

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Sandra - posted on 09/11/2013

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Tracy,

For what it is worth. Do your best to take control now while he is a minor. My Step-Son has gone into into rehab on several occasions. However, after a few days he checks himself out.
We are told he is an adult. He can do what he wants.
Yes, it is a very helpless feeling. The sad part is...his 22 year old Brother now seems to be following in the older Brothers footsteps. As the Step-Mom when they were in HS I could somewhat see the bleak path ahead. I tried to talk to his Dad about it...however, I think his Dad thought it was a "phase" & would pass. I am the Step-Mom so had to tread lightly...even though I could see the "crash ahead." :o(
The only positive that is remotely come out of the situation is our Daughter in HS is very anti-drugs and works 2 part-time jobs. She has seen what this has done to our family.
It feels like a sad & hopeless situation. I wish you all the best! Keep us posted.

Tracy - posted on 09/10/2013

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I feel as if I was reading my future! We have a 16 year old that is heading down the same path. I don't know what to do or where to get help! I can not deal with the disrespect and laziness. He will not go to school, get a job or help out around the house. We also have an 8 year old that is being hurt every day by his brothers actions. Then an 18 year old that dropped out of high school to move in with his father and get a job. He had the full time job for 3 months. His employer was paying for him to go to school. He got fired because he would not go to the classes. Now he is back at my house!!!! I know how you feel! HELPLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sandra - posted on 09/10/2013

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I commented in this thread well over a year ago.
Things have only gotten worse for us. Our Son ended up living with his Grandmother. The LAST relative to give him "one more chance & willing to let him move in." He and his girlfriend ended up stealing the grandmothers checkbook and prescription medicines.
My Son and the girlfriend were found using/shooting heroin in a fast food parking lot. :o( They were both jailed and now have Felonies. My Son was released 4 months ago. Our hope being he had "learned his lesson" & was FINALLY ready to "change."

So...we found him a small rental room, paid his rent every month, purchased a moped so he had transportation to look for a job and go to Probation officer meetings and even bought him a cell phone service so he could search FOR a job and put gas in the moped. We also bought his food for last 4 months.
Well...still NO JOB. There is always an excuse. He failed a drug test last month and had to stay in rehab for 4 days. He is now attending even more drug/AA meetings. Last week the moped came up "missing." He says it was "stolen." We are not so sure.

I guess what I am saying is this. I gave advice over a year ago...then ended up not taking my own advice. Making the false assumption "this time would be different." It wasn't. It won't be. Until we stop for good. As much as I hate to say that.
My Husband told our son today. He needs to find a job ASAP and start looking for a place to live. 3 weeks and he is out of a place to live again. Because are not paying the rent anymore and the cell phone is being cut off at end of month.

We never thought we would be in this position. We raised our children in a solid middle class area. Nice school system. Paid for college. When I hear other parents say things like: "kids were not raised right" or "oh it is probably because they are low class or live in the ghetto..." I think wow! If you only knew. Read the headlines people. This happens everywhere. From affluent gated communities to poverty stricken neighborhoods. It could happen to anyone. Drugs can reduce people to nothing and destroy families. :o(
I pray for all of you ladies. I KNOW how hard this is. We have lived it for several years. It takes a toll on you... physically/emotionally/financially.
I wish all of you peace & for your children to "come around and make healthy choices!" Pray for us also!

Toni - posted on 09/11/2012

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Maxi...read my story. Very similar to yours. Have you found any help? I am waiting on a program for my son. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I don't know what to tell you to fix it, but it always helps me to know that I am not alone. Let me know if you figure something out and I will do the same.

Roohi - posted on 07/14/2012

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Reading all this makes me cry. I am in a similar situation. I have been told that things will change and that this is a "phase." everyday is a challenge and everyday is a struggle.

Kandis - posted on 07/09/2012

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omg these dam teenagers have no respect anymore it makes me sick. my son is no angel nor did i ever think he was. we all have skeltons. my son iis going through the same things minus the drugs in our home however a few of my friends have told me stories about my son tring to sell crack to ppl.this is a issue we are facing now and i will update ltr

Mar - posted on 07/08/2012

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Sorry Maxi, I have no help for you because I am in exactly the same situation. I'm not kidding exactly. I don't know what to do with him. He does things that get him in trouble with the police every day, not kidding. He's over at the Juvenile Assessment Center tonite. : ( I wish he wasn't like this... I don't know if maybe he has a psychological problem. Maybe that's what it is, I was going to take him to counseling but now he's over there and I don't know what's going to happen.... : (.

Shay - posted on 07/07/2012

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I just want to say I agree with you so much about "making" our kids do what we want. It is only by the grace of God that kids learn boundries and learn to comply to rules. And that's something I've felt since my kids were small. Some you can put the fear of God in and others will challenge you every step of the way. I've been through a bit of defiance with my now 20 y/o daughter. But nothing like what you ladies are talking about. And your advice sounds pretty sound to me. I'd definitely apply it if I were in a similar situation. Thanks for being brave enough to share your experience. I pray that you both will have strength and endurance to show that "tough love" and that your children will turn it around.

F.A.S. - posted on 07/04/2012

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HAVE YOU TRIED YOUTH CHALLENGE ACADEMY DONT KNO IF IT ONE IN YOUR TOWN THAT CHILD IS DEALING WITH SOME SERIOUS DEMONS I WISH I COULD HELP MORE THESE GROUP HOMES WONT KEEP KIDS LONG ABOUT 3 MONTHS OR SO THEN THEY RIGHT BACK WITH U DO U HAVE ANYFAMILY IN ANOTHER STATE THAT MIGHT BE WILLING TO KEEP HIM!

Ida - posted on 07/03/2012

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Legally you can go to your district court and file eviction papers. Take a photo of your son smoking weed and acting unseemingly. Most Judges will evict him quickly.

Ida - posted on 06/28/2012

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Ms. Ida can straighten out any bratty teenager without spanking and turn them into a polite and productive young person.

In 2006-2007, she piloted an alternative high school in Detroit and straightened out 93 high school dropouts and adjudicated youth. Eighty percent of seniors graduated and went to college.
She wants to straighten out the bratty middle schoolers in Greece NY who taunted the elderly bus monitor on the youtube video and assist those parents to develop CREATIVE DISCIPLINE techniques.

Help her sponsor INVENTION ADVENTURE BOOTCAMP at
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/148520...

Ida - posted on 06/28/2012

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Ms. Ida can straighten out any bratty teenager without spanking and turn them into a polite and productive young person.

In 2006-2007, she piloted an alternative high school in Detroit and straightened out 93 high school dropouts and adjudicated youth. Eighty percent of seniors graduated and went to college.
She wants to straighten out the bratty middle schoolers in Greece NY who taunted the elderly bus monitor on the youtube video and assist those parents to develop CREATIVE DISCIPLINE techniques.

Help her sponsor INVENTION ADVENTURE BOOTCAMP at
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/148520...

Angie - posted on 06/17/2012

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Sandra..I tried a group home before he was arrested. It was a 60 day inpatient program specializing in behavior modification and substance abuse. After 3 weeks insurance refused to authorize further stating We didn't have a long enough history of failed attempts, even though he had been in 2 acute care facilities and on juvenile probation without ANY progress. I either had to Pick him up or pay the $311/day out of pocket. I picked him up & we didn't even make the 2 hour drive home..he ended up back in acute care for a few days and arrested a week later. Sometimes even finding the resources isn't enough if you don't have any legal backing behind you. I hope your stepson finds a better path soon ~ at his age it has to be frustrating to watch the self destruct and be able to do nothing to help.

Angie - posted on 06/17/2012

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Kristi ~ I am really one of the fortunate ones because I don't have the war in my home anymore because my son hasn't been home since Nov 3rd when I had him arrested. He's continued to struggle behavior wise through juvenile & court-ordered inpatient treatment behavior wise & was court ordered to a psych hospital for evaluation. In March, when I refused to pick him up when he was discharged from the psychiatric hospital back to juvenile, this resulted in me being hotlined to Children's Division (CD) for abandonment and them taking custody. It is somewhat reassuring they have had the same struggles with him ~ he was arrested again in April and is now in a Children's home, not a detention facility, but a locked down facility where he gets therapy, psych monitoring, and we get family therapy. My frustration right now comes from CD who does monthly home visits to make sure I have running water & food in the fridge (but they don't want to see the holes in the wall, locks on door, and even door knobs removed from doors), I have to do parenting classes, I have to give them weekly reports, I have monthly team meetings on progress, and I have to get everything approved by them such as phone calls and visits to my son. 99.9% of their situations are the kids have been removed because of something the parents have done wrong, such as drugs, abuse, neglect. I'm the .1% that it's something the kids have done but it seems like they don't have a protocol to follow for that. It sucks to go through this but I was told they have more resources than I can ever get my hands on so I will comply with anything and everything to get my son the help he needs as my end goal is for him to be home ~ safe, happy, and healthy :) That's why my heart goes out to parents who are going through this in their home. I've been there and I feel their frustration on trying to find help without success, compounded by the child's behavior in their home. It was a difficult to choice for me to refuse to pick him up, they were threatening to arrest and charge me, but I was truly out of options and did it. It's not that I don't want my son home, I love him with all my heart, but I had exhausted all my resources for us both to be safe and happy.

Kristi - posted on 06/17/2012

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Oh ladies, my heart goes out to you. I wish I had some fantastic piece of advice or words of wisdom to offer you but I don't. But I couldn't read this and not just go on about my way without at least saying that you'll be in my thoughts and in my prayers. I will share this with my friend who has been through this for all too long now as well. I know it doesn't seem like much and you've probably already tried but it can't hurt for us to try some more. June, I'm happy you are having success, that is wonderful! And Angie, I hope things are better in your home now, too. Maxi, you are doing everything you can do and you are open to try new things, something has to give. Just out of curiousity, maybe you could talk to an attorney. Tell him/her what's happening, what the cops have said/done and see where you stand. I'm sure he/she would do a much better job of spelling out who has what rights under what circumstances and what the law is required to do when those rights are being violated. I don't remember if you ever said where you are from, but in NY, NE and WA I have been able to find attorneys who will give you a free consultation. I don't know, maybe it's ridiculous, it was just a thought because the cops are not being helpful and I thought if you knew what they were supposed to be doing, then they'd have to get off their butts and do it and maybe stop jerking you around. "It's ok to do illegal activities because it's his home, too." WTH? Well, wishing you strength and peace (whenever you can get a minute of it) and the determination to carry on the good fight.

June - posted on 06/16/2012

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I've told my son that EVERYTIME I find weed or anything related it's going in the garbage and we start all over with no money, no phone and grounding. I think he is getting worn down because he wants to spend time with his friends. I search everything now and am constantly on guard for any lies or hidden weed. My son similarly took my stuff in retaliation but now that I am guarded and have a combo lock on my room he doesn't do that anymore. If he does not respect the grounding I call ALL of his friends, moms and anyone else on his call log that I can get from T-Mobile. Even though he won't admit it, I suspect it has to be embarrasing to him. The police have been very little help in my situation. In CA if the kid is gone, you can file a missing persons report. But the police don't take it seriously and they never find him. The other thing I have told my son is last resort we are sending him away to rehab place and will hire transport if we have to. It is very expensive but our insurance is supposed to cover most of the cost. I don't have the answers obviously, but recently I am making progress after six months of this B.S. I feel like I have been fighting a war in my own home. Finally he has agreed to no more drugs but time will tell if this is just a front. I'll be drug testing.

Angie - posted on 06/16/2012

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I think I would be calling back and speaking to a supervisor...that has got to be so frustrating. There is NO WAY he can do illegal things but it's ok because it's his house. I got caught in the handing it over too...if you find something, don't touch it, but call the police, but even then, it's a fine line because he could say you put it there so I just started to get rid of it. My brother-in-law told me once ~ I never had to use this advice, thank goodness, but to create a scene and make him so mad that he would do something the police would HAVE to do something. I would get a lock and put it on your bedroom door to secure your items, chances are he might break it down, but then it would be property damage. How is he getting in at 3:30am, does he have a key? If so change the locks, there would be no more open door policy come when and how you want. Maxi, my heart is breaking for you, I KNOW how hard this is.

Maxi - posted on 06/16/2012

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update... so police officer came and flushed all the week down the toilet. Said he really couldn't do anything because we handed it to him. So it's our sons word against ours. However, he did take ALL of the drug stuff (his bongs, papers, everything !). That was that ! Dear son came home around 3:30 in the morning, freaked out, took a bunch of our stuff and hid it. Then proceeded to smoke a joint in front of us. We called the police back and we were told " it's his house also, he has rights !". When we mentioned about him taking our things, his answer was as long as they were still in the house, they weren't technically "stolen". Dear son things we have the bongs, and stuff, and has told us that he will continue to take stuff until we give him back his stuff. Oh ya, the nice police officer told us we couldn't kick him out unless there was a place for him to go, and he had to agree to it.
So.... now what ? Our son gets to call the shots and make the rules

June - posted on 06/15/2012

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My 14 year old son has had similar issues with smoking pot, defiance and a couple incidents of violence. See grafitti boy postings. I took all his stuff away so he felt he could take my stuff (phone sim card, money and ipod). I immediately hid my good jewelry and additionally went to Home Depot and installed a combo lock to my room and also the garage in case he tried to hide weed there. So at least I have one safe place, my room. My family looked to be pretty normal before this happened. I feel bad for you because I have been there. He is back to being sweet and cooperative, but this has happened before and then he reverted back to the weed so I am on my highest guard with him. The things I think have turned him around even if it doesn't last is 1) We have been to counseling and I learned my husband and I have not been a united front so the kids have been lying to one or the other and negotiating themselves out of every consequence 2) My son got TB bacteria and now has to be on daily antibiotic for nine months. In addition he got asthma attacks that I'm guessing is from the weed, and I think he is scared of being sick 3) I bought the Bryan Post home study guide for $250. I normally don't buy stuff like that but I was completely desparate and another lady suggested in on my posting. I think just buying the books might have worked but I was desperate and wanted the videos and everything. It is opposite to what has been ingrained in me to parent. Instead of being so militant and angry I changed to being loving and understanding that my son is scared. I'm just learning this stuff so I don't know what works and what doesn't but I know my son is back to talking and loving me back and he communicated a lot about the drug use and even selling it. I am so devastated that I feel ashamed even writing that. 4) Through the CA probation system I learned of the Short Stop program and enrolled him. Holy cow, for 3 hours he was in a jump suit handcuffed and shown what it is like to live in juvenile hall. It was similar to the scared straight program but not so much in your face directly. There was a prior criminal who talked about what it's like to live in juvenile hall and now that guy is graduating from college. Hearing stuff about getting violated and the fights and strip searches freaked me out. At the end of the night my son was pissed at me and said he was not going to complete the program. The next meeting is more of a build up after they have been torn down on the first meeting. He has homework which includes 4 meetings at narcotics anonymous, interviewing all family members about how we feel about what he has done, studying a book that is written well about what prison is like. In the past I would have yelled at my son about not wanting to continue. What I did was say is I know you are scared and I am here to help you get your life back to normal. If you finish the class you can tell that to the judge. He still has to go to court over the grafitti charge. When you are ready to talk about why you are so angry I am here. He didn't yell at me or anything but was quiet. What actually made him agree to finish the class and do the homework is that I said none of his privileges to spend time with his friends would be allowed.

Angie - posted on 06/15/2012

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Maxi I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I know how heart-broken you feel. You are doing the right thing. You cannot have your 16yo dictating your house rules, especially to have illegal activities and substances in it. I sincerely hope your son will get the help he needs ~ whatever your next step is, just try to be adamant on your expectations and supportive of him to make better choices. I know the supportive part is difficult right now, but without your belief that he can do better, he won't have a chance. When he says he don't care, tell him you do. When he says he hates you, tell him you love him. When he says he's not doing it, tell him you will be here when he is ready. My prayers will be with you.

Maxi - posted on 06/15/2012

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please tell me we did the right thing ! For the past week, it has gotten extremely bad around the home. My son isn't speaking to us at all. Everytime we mention that we don't want him smokin pot in the house, he starts swearing at us, calling me every name you can imagine, telling me what a horrible mother I am, etc. Well, we gave him until today to get rid of the pot or get a place to live. I drove him to his friends (just to get rid of him), and he threatened that if we went through his room, he would go through our stuff and take stuff. That being said, we went through his stuff, and found quite a bit of pot (my husband says its about 6 grams). So, we called the police. I know we are doing the right thing, but I am heart-broken.

Valerie - posted on 06/12/2012

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Unfortunately 5 days is not much help, if any, for an addict, but could give you a much needed 5 day break! Even 30 day rehabs didn't help either of my daughters :-/.. they say it takes a minimum of 90 days for people to change behaviors/addictions/etc.. but that is IF they want to.. if they don't, then nothing will work until they admit they have a problem and decide to take the help.. I am sure I am preaching to the choir here... sounds like you have lived a similar life to mine for a while now... but hey, a 5 day reprieve for you could re-energize you.. might just be a good idea!

Maxi - posted on 06/12/2012

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Once again, I have to thank those who have replied and have offered your support and understanding. It does help to know I am not alone. I advised my son yesterday that if things do not change, he will have to find a place to live by Friday. If he does not find another place, I will be applying to have him put in a lock down drug rehab. This is the place that is only a week long, with 5 beds. He has been there before and it won't help (because he doesn't think he has a problem). However, if I can get him in, over and over, I am hoping that he will just get sick of it and either straighten up a bit or move ! I just hope I can get him in this time. Will keep you all posted.

Lori - posted on 06/12/2012

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I am so sorry. I understand the helplessness.

My daughter is 19 and I had similar issues with her, minus the violent behavior. When I tried to stop her behavior, the parents of her best friend and boy friend gave her a place to live, rendering me helpless.

For months, I was angry at her, her friends, and her friends' parents. I felt the guilt, pain and I analyzed every mistake I made raising her. With all my heart, I wanted that little girl back.

The question of how to live my life with the constant pain became all-consuming. I knew there was no going back, so all I could do was go forward. I found that when I was ready to heal myself, then slowly my outer circumstances began to heal. I began a personal journey based on the writings of spiritual teachers whose message felt right. I realized that I brought my own "stuff" into the lives of my children at birth. I was doing the best I could at the time and I had to forgive myself.....well actually I am still in the process of forgiving myself.

Things are not perfect, but a little bit better between us. She is not where she needs to be in life, but I pray she gets there. As I heal, I can live with the regret and sadness because I have compassion for myself as well as others.

It is very hard to live under your circumstances, but I hope it helps a tiny bit to know you are not alone.

Valerie - posted on 06/12/2012

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It's so hard having out of control teens! My twin 16 year old girls are addicted to drugs and have been in a TON of trouble. One is now in a group home, over 4 hours away from here so if she decides to try to run away from there, she has nowhere to go. In fact, she did runaway from there just last Saturday night, but ended up returning a few hours later.. so the distance thing worked...as when she would run away from home, she wouldn't come back until the police caught her most of the time. She has spent more time this year in juvenile hall than not.. her sister I am HOPING has finally learned enough to straighten up some watching her sister get placed into a group home by the county. If the group home doesn't work, then it's an out-of-state boot camp for the next step.. and if that doesn't work.. she will be in juvenile hall until she is 21 (laws allow them to stay in custody up to age 21 if charges warrant that much time sentenced and they are under 18 when arrested, which she is.) You may need to look at group home option if things don't get any better.. it's been very hard, but I am learning how to cope, and dealing my other daughter who is actually doing her program, drug treatment, counseling, court every 2 weeks, etc., which is keeping me busy. You can call the police on him when he is smoking pot in your house.. they won't do any thing but tickets for a while (at least here in CA).. but eventually it catches up with them, as my daughters found out the hard way... good luck,hang in there, and I hope you get YOUR life back soon! You deserve it! Much love and understanding, Valerie

Vicki - posted on 06/10/2012

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I have much empathy for u.
I had same issues. I had my son in counseling and on ADD meds when younger, however as he got older refused to go or take meds.
In my case I was able to send my son to his father to finish his last 3 yrs of 'childhood'.
He still continued to struggle in school-never graduated.
He is now 23, has no GED, no job and no permanent shelter. He can't stay in a decent relationship w/a girl and now has a baby he is barely seeing.

I struggle everyday--I love my son, however, had to have tough love too. I have a younger son that I did not want seeing the wrong behavoirs and decisions my older son was making while living w/us.

Good luck!!

Kristi - posted on 06/09/2012

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My heart goes out to you, Maxi. I've been helping my best friend through something like this with her eldest daughter for almost 9 years but she didn't jump into action like you have. It's a long, sad story and not relevant to your situation. I just wanted to offer my prayers and positive thoughts for the safest, best possible outcome.

Kristin - posted on 06/08/2012

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I feel for you and your family. You will be in my prayers. Keep strong and it will get better one day soon. Feel free to contact me anytime.

Maxi - posted on 06/08/2012

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Must be different. I'm in Manitoba and unfortunately can't do what I would love to. The thing that gets me is that there is help for "kids that are worse than him", stealing, violent behavior (not just at home), destruction (once again, not just at home). But because, he really only exhibits these behaviors at home, they say its the family setting. He's in the "grey" area. The reason he does exhibit these behaviors at home is because we do try to discipline him, and won't let him do what he wants, and we take his pot when we find it. Today is Friday, and I am hoping he doesn't come home for the weekend, (he will usually let me know if he doesn't come home) so at least our family and home will be at peace. I feel horrible for thinking that, but I do have to think about my younger daughter. He has put us through so much that I can no longer cry. I have cried for years.

Kristin - posted on 06/08/2012

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No your not prying I live in Alberta, and I am not sure if laws change from province to province. Where do you live?

Maxi - posted on 06/07/2012

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thanks for your reply Kristen. Not trying to pry too much, but what province do you live in ? In my province, they absolutely WILL NOT drug test without his permission (unless court ordered). There are 2 drug treatment facilities in my province, and neither will take him without him agreeing to it. I would think that the laws would be the same on this from Province to Province. There is one facility that I can make him go to (which I have) which has to get approved by a magistrate. However, that is only for a week, and they only have 5 beds. So, they will only pick the worst of the worst. My son has been in there twice, and it really only serves as a holiday for us (not so much for him !) I have looked for boot camps, or other facilities. But there is nothing...
I do have to thank everyone for your replies. I do find it somewhat comforting to know that we are not alone

Kristin - posted on 06/07/2012

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I live in Canada and until that child is 18 you can drug test them without their permission and put them into drug treatment. You are right and it is difficult for parents to deal with and I feel 100% for you and your family, Sometimes all a parent can do is let their child go and to learn things the hard way and hope one day they will get their lives together and be responsible. I am the other way I had my oldest son when I was 16 so I always prepared for the worst and tried to have good communication with him. In some ways my oldest had to learn responsibility young as we struggled for the first few years and he had to learn how to do without things. Now he is older and he has a part time job so he buys things he wants as I refuse to buy any of my kids everything they want and they have to work for it. It is tough to be a parent in todays society and I hope things get better for you.

Maxi - posted on 06/07/2012

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I want to thank you all for your support. However, I have done it all... the child has nothing in his room but his bed, and he really has no door since he put a huge hole in it. I have tried to get him into a drug treatment, but he has to agree !!!! Can't get him drug tested... he has to agree !!!! It's almost as if they have all the rights. Can't keep him from going to friends, he'll just leave. He comes home when he feels like it, 2 or 3 days later. This may sound absolutely horrible... but I know eventually he will screw up again regarding the law, and this time, he will be on his own. (I am almost looking forward to it) I love him to death, however, do not like who he has become. It's so true, parents who are not in this situation do not understand how difficult it can be. I was also one of those parents when my children were young ... " I would never let my kids do that !!! " I would say.

Kristin - posted on 06/07/2012

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WOW i feel so bad for you and your family. Have you maybe looked into puttig your son into boot camp or some other kind of disciplinary school? I agree with the other moms and take everything away from him and if he is not going to school charge him rent. He needs to realize he is accountable for his actions and life is not about getting your way or doing what you want when you want. My son is 16 as well and he is well aware that life has consequences. If he is late for curfew than he is not allowed out to see friends for the rest of the week, if chores dont get done he is not alloowed to go to friends houses, if he fails or misses school he will have to quit his job and no more friends houses as well he will lose the computer in his room his cell phone and any other privledges, I dont reason with him thats my rules like it or leave it and he is pretty good about listening. He started smoking cigarettes and I told him thats his choice but he is not allowed to smoke in the house or around his younger siblings, I drug tested him and when i found out he was smoking pot i took him down to the police station and made him listen to the consequences of that. I put the fear of god into him lol which worked as he quit smokling pot. He is also told that if he fails classes or skips school he will be going to summer school. I give my son a lot of freedom to make his own choices and he knows good consequences and bad consequences, AS for the violence i dont know what to tell you there my 16 year old is very respectful and would never ever think of hitting any adult especially his mother. I wish you luck and if it were my kid he would be in boot camp and a dry out center for the drug addiction.

Angie - posted on 06/06/2012

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I so feel your frustration...I've been going through the same thing...only mine started over a year ago when he was 13. His last diagnosis is Conduct Disorder. He went to a foster home in March this year after I refused to pick him up from juvenile and was hotlined to DFS (Division of Family Services) for abandonment. DFS disregarded all the medical professionals advise (that I was following by not picking him up) and put him in least restrictive foster home. He now has more charges and was placed in a more secure setting in a Children's Home. And the right group home placement offers safety for you and him, individual therapy, doctor supervision, and family therapy.

Since your son currently has charges and those charges include you, I'm assuming you called...GOOD FOR YOU!! I know it sucks to do, but you have to. I'm not sure where you are with juvenile office on that, but they can court order him to outpatient substance abuse who will drug test him & he will get repercussions if he is continuing to use. I love the parents who think you can "make" your defiant child do something...walk in our shoes, then tell us that. It is a horrible feeling as a parent when your child is running your lives..you feel helpless, you feel like you've failed.

There are a few things you can do...by our Missouri law, we can't kick out at 16, but we are only required to provide food/shelter. You took away his cell phone...does he have video games, does he have a TV in his room? ipod?...clean out his room to a bed and dresser ~ take his door off his room, set computer passwords... might be better to do when he's not there and leave him a note new house/new rules...you are done with the behavior choices. I actually removed these items from the home completely...I was not having any tug of wars with any of it still in the home. Comes & goes as he pleases? How's he getting in the house? Take away the house key...does he have a car? take it away. Smokes pot in his room? while you are home? call the police. If you just smell it when you get home, search his room...if you find something, don't move it ~ call the police. Plead, cry, beg to the juvenile office for help and if he does disrespect your home or you, call the police & have him arrested. Don't pick him up from detention. DFS will have to get involved ~ they can be a pain to deal with but have more resources than I could ever get my hands on and my son was in 3 acute care facilities, 2 emergency rooms and 3 weeks in a 60 day residential program ~ until my insurance kicked him out, citing not enough failed attempts.

I don't know why your son is making his choices, same as I don't know why mine is. I know you love him and sometimes it's hard to separate between him and his choices. The main goal is to get you happy and safe and that might mean him not being there, and I know that's a very hard thing to accept as a parent...I'm living, breathing it. And right now you are just trying to survive until that magical 18 age, but honestly, I know you want a healthy relationship with him into adulthood. Remember you are not alone, you have done nothing wrong, and somehow, someway you need to find peace & I think the only way you are going to get that is to get control back over your home. Best of luck to you ~ my thoughts and prayers are definitely with you :)

Sara - posted on 06/02/2012

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I'm so sorry that you are having such difficulty. I'm not sure what's available in your area for assistance. I called both the community liaison from the local police department and the municipal court judge to discuss my son and find what my options were, how the laws worked, and what resources were available in my area. It was very helpful. Give it a try.

Sara...from SingleMomsAskSara.com

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