17 year old daughter.

Élyse - posted on 08/13/2017 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Well i need help. My 17 year old is starting college next week. She still lives home of course. But the past year has been difficult. She got fired from a job( for stealing) found another job 6 months later and its going well. But now one of her friends got her a job at a call center were she will make "tons" of money but its a 1hr drive from our home, so she wants to quit the other job we dont agree.
Next she got her driving license 6weeks ago and we got her a small car( cheap one) she was constantly on the road and within 2 weeks the car broke down ( motor is gone) so her grandfather bought her another car she had it for 6 days( running around everywhere again) and she "lost" control and trashed that car too. Now that car was insured so well get $$ back.
We asked that shw not tell her grandparents right away because grandfather was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and we dont think he needs the stress of knowing she was into a crash( shes ok btw) but she posted a picture of herself with a neck brace on Instagram, so now other people in the family will know ( so we have to tell grandpa anyway 😞). Shes already asked for my car several times i said no. We told her to be expect to be driven to school a lot. But she said no way im not gonna be the girl going to college driven by her parents( i drive by there on my way to work anyway). We dont really want her to have another car at this point. She doesnt seem to have any real remorse, keep saying it wasnt her fault ( she was found to be at fault by insurance) and wont take responsibility and her cry for attention with her followers on insta? Im at a lost.. Do we get her another car with the insurance $$? Do we just give the $$ back to grandpa?
Did i mention her cell phone? She has been asked not to use snapchat/instagram/ask while on 4G ( she keeps going over her plan) but i have caught her 7 times using it. So her data was turned off on her phone...she gave me shit because ahe needs data for gps and im not respecting her privacy...help

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Bella - posted on 08/19/2017

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Hi @ Élyse Lebrun-Lavallée I think the 5 points you posted as a way forward is quite good. Be encouraged and see how it goes. You seem like a caring Mum who is doing all she can to help her daughter to be responsible. Wish you all the best.

Élyse - posted on 08/15/2017

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Thank you, unfortunately buses are not an option as we do not live in the city. But there is plenty of people we know ( and she knows) driving that way that she could get a ride to college with ($$ of course) and yes she is still young she wont be 18 until next may. But it is common here some kids even graduate HS at 16 ( her brother will in 2 years )

Hope - posted on 08/15/2017

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17 is still very young. Is she starting college early? I wouldn’t despair. She is still at the age where you need to take control and be the parent. If she is stealing, going over with her data usage, and wrecking cars, she seems to be clearly demonstrating that she is not a trustworthy or responsible person. Since she is working, what do you think about having her pay for her own phone service, then, she is responsible for the data overage?
If you and your husband don’t think she needs to drive to a job that is an hour away, there is nothing more to say about that. She needs a job that she can get to on her own, not using your car or being given another one. It sounds like she could benefit from helping to buy her own car. It doesn’t sound like she is invested in herself financially; everything is being given to her. She expects that to continue.
Since she does not want to be driven to campus, that is great, let her take the bus. Let her know that you respect her decision to not want to be driven. Show her how to look up the bus route and pricing. She should pay for that as well. Since she is living with you, she is not paying rent, utilities, or food, so having her to get her own car and cell phone is not cruel. It is teaching her to be a responsible person.
You are also entitled to respect. She does not have the right to disrespect you by giving you a hard time when you don’t give in to her wishes or by using too much data. Give her clear consequences for her actions. She may feel mistreated at first, but she will thank you as she grows to adulthood. And you will thank yourself when she finally is able to move out and to live on her own as a responsible, young woman.
You can do it.

Élyse - posted on 08/15/2017

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So here is the way we decided to handle things. 1) she will tell her grandfather herself what has happened and negotiate with him what needs to be repaid or not
2) we are not getting her another vehicle. Shell have to find another way to school ( either me or someone else we know going that way) and im also charging her for the increase in my car insurance
3) for the job she can do whatever she wants but i aint driving her its not anywhere near my work
4) for her phone data is staying off..nothing is that urgent that it cant wait for. WIFI. She doesnt need gps cause she aint driving
5) well reevaluate after 1st term ( xmas break)

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2017

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I agree with Ev. I do think you should be honest with Grandpa, offer to give him his money back. If he declines put it in a savings account and hold it. Tell her after a year of obedient behavior, phone rule compliance and going to school and work (any job an hour away is not worth it ESPECIALLY call center) she can have half of the money to put toward a vehicle and she can pay for the rest herself. In the meantime, she can either gratefully accept a ride from you or you can get her a bus pass.

Ev - posted on 08/13/2017

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{{Well i need help. My 17 year old is starting college next week. She still lives home of course. But the past year has been difficult. She got fired from a job( for stealing) found another job 6 months later and its going well. But now one of her friends got her a job at a call center were she will make "tons" of money but its a 1hr drive from our home, so she wants to quit the other job we dont agree.}}
-----How long until she turns 18 years old? I was 17 when I graduated from high school and still was considered a minor which she is and she has to abide your rules until she turns 18.

AS for her changing jobs--that is her choice. But I can tell you that I have worked in call centers and you do not make a ton of money. It depends on what they do before you make even a decent wage to even live on.

{{Next she got her driving license 6weeks ago and we got her a small car( cheap one) she was constantly on the road and within 2 weeks the car broke down ( motor is gone) so her grandfather bought her another car she had it for 6 days( running around everywhere again) and she "lost" control and trashed that car too. Now that car was insured so well get $$ back. }}
~~~~And you did not make her pay for the car?

{{We asked that shw not tell her grandparents right away because grandfather was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and we dont think he needs the stress of knowing she was into a crash( shes ok btw) but she posted a picture of herself with a neck brace on Instagram, so now other people in the family will know ( so we have to tell grandpa anyway 😞).}}
~~~~~I find it odd that you would hide this from her grandparents since they were the ones that provided the means for her to have another car which she crashed soon after. It seems to me that by not telling you are showing her it is okay to lie about things and that is not responsible.

{{ Shes already asked for my car several times i said no. We told her to be expect to be driven to school a lot. But she said no way im not gonna be the girl going to college driven by her parents( i drive by there on my way to work anyway). We dont really want her to have another car at this point. She doesnt seem to have any real remorse, keep saying it wasnt her fault ( she was found to be at fault by insurance) and wont take responsibility}}}
~~~~~I am glad you do not allow her to use the car you have and that you have offered her to drop her at classes on the way to work. But you need to make her more responsible. She needs to pay for the car she wrecked. She needs to give you money for gas to get to and from school.

{{ and her cry for attention with her followers on insta? Im at a lost.. Do we get her another car with the insurance $$? Do we just give the $$ back to grandpa?}
~~~~~Let her cry out to her friends on social media. NO--do not get her another car but make her buy it. Repay grandparents back for the car unless it was a present.

{{Did i mention her cell phone? She has been asked not to use snapchat/instagram/ask while on 4G ( she keeps going over her plan) but i have caught her 7 times using it. So her data was turned off on her phone...she gave me shit because ahe needs data for gps and im not respecting her privacy...help}}
~~~~~~You ask her not to use the social media on the phone but did you ever think to take it from her or get her a phone with only talk and text available? Did you ever set rules about the use of those things when she first got a phone? Who pays for it? As for finally turning off data that was good. As for not respectig privacy? You did not search her phone for things did you? If you did not search her phone then you did not breech her privacy and even if you did it is your money paying for the phone and she is a minor.

I think that this girl was given all she waned in life. I think she was never given consequences for things that explains why she does not show remorse or want to be responsible for things. I think you need to cut off the extras such as phone and make her pay for it if she wants data. I think you should be helping her to understand life does not revolve around her and she has to earn things.

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