17 year old daughter moving out cause I yelled at her for smoking weed

Liz - posted on 04/13/2017 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My daughter is turned 17 not too long ago and yes, we have had some issues and she has not always had it easy. My mom killed herself in 2007 and that was very difficult on my daughter leading to some abandonment issues. (She didn't know how my mom died until she was 13 and acting out.)

I was a single mom for the majority of her life and maintained an easy and friendly relationship with her father. She was sooo easy until she was 13 and then she started "sexting" and sending photos etc. I was on top of her internet usage etc. Put in limitations, boundaries etc and all was fine for a while....then it started again. We go through ups and downs.

I remarried in 2014 to an amazing guy who is a super step-dad and very involved in everything.

It got out of control Feb 2016 and she was sent to live with her Dad and his wife and their daughter. My daughter didn't talk to me for a while...until things were going poorly there and she wanted to move back. Fine, we let her and she came back and started a new semester in grade 11 in September 2016.

I didn't give her a phone, she had to buy her own and work to pay for her bills. She has only to walk the dog, go to school, clean up after herself and do her own laundry nd simply be respectful. That is it. She has to be home by 10. No questions because there is no point...she will lie about what she is doing anyway.

That brings us to a couple of weeks ago when I caught her smoking weed...in my house! I have no grand illusion she WONT smoke, she has clearly indicated that she will regardless, but I do have the expectation that she will not do so in my house. I told her if she wanted to make her own rules she should get her own home. We do not reward that kind of behaviour.

All was quite for a few weeks...bringing us to Saturday - she was fine, we had a great evening hanging out at home... I went to bed...and woke up at 2am - to find her high as a kite, again smoking weed in her room. I yelled and told her again if she wanted to smoke weed at home she needed to get her own home.

She missed 2 classes yesterday for no good reason and is already failing. I was pissed (she is a very smart kid), reminded her she was failing and she hung up the phone on me. I called her Dad...

Then I get the text from her informing me that her friends Mom has offered for her to come and live with them, to pay what she could and that she was moving. UNREAL!

So now I am at a crossroads - she was planning to live with her Dad in the summer anyway (no problem at all with that) but now, she is going to be 40 min from school, no money (she has .35 in her bank account) a part time job and the girl she will be living with is not even attending school on a regular basis. WTF?!

She was just telling me last week that this girl that she will now be sharing a room with, has no future and that her Mom does not even make her go to school etc.

Do I just let her leave? Do I wait to hear from her? She is not even speaking to me at all and I am furious that the Mom of the place where she will be living didn't even bother to call me.

In short - my kid is moving out cause she got into trouble for smoking weed in my house... and although I feel like I should just let her fall so that she will learn...she is my daughter.

Any advice or comments are appreciated.

8 Comments

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Ev - posted on 04/15/2017

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I feel for you as well. Bullying is not cool at all no matter how it is done. I hope she gets all she needs in the care she is to get and comes out ontop of it all.

Jtcampe3 - posted on 04/15/2017

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Liz, my heart breaks for you. I am at a loss as to why people feel the need to bully others. :( I guess the saying is true, hurt people, hurt people. I am so thankful, though, that your daughter wasn't able to succeed and that she is in a safe place and getting help. I have been praying for her and am so thankful she's okay. I will continue to lift you all up in my prayers!

Liz - posted on 04/15/2017

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Thank you everyone for weighing in on this...I should probably note that we are in Canada and that you can do to a dispensary here and buy weed legally if you have a medical card for it. It is not as horrid as many may think but my husband and I are both regulated processionals and can be randomly drug tested anytime so we simply cannot be around drugs of any kind.

To give an update - on Thursday my daughter overdosed on prescription medications that we had in the house (no narcotics, but blood pressure and other meds). 911 was called and she has been in the hospital since. Her internal organs showed signs of shutting down. She could have died. Thank god she started throwing up at home and go scared enough to text me to tell me what she had done...or she would not be alive.

Tracey, you were also right about it being more than just my daughter being mad at her parents etc. There is a bully at school that my daughter was telling me about the weed incident on Saturday - that basically told my daughter she should go kill herself, that she looked like a "girl who would cut" and that she would probably kill herself one day.

What kind of a world are we living in where one child says that to another?

So for now she will stay in the hospital until she is stable and then she will be moved to the mental health facility where they can start getting her into a better place mentally and set her up with the proper counsellors and therapists.

Ev - posted on 04/13/2017

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I have to agree with Dove on that. As for the "Pot seems to be the acceptable drug and I believe it is far less dangerous then alcohol and cigarettes"; Pot is not acceptable at all, it is against the law in most states and for a minor to have; it is not less dangerous than alcohol and alcohol is more dangerous that you might think....drinking mixed with driving kills and maims people all the time. Cigarettes while legal are not legal for minors under 18. I think that needs to be rethought.

Becky - posted on 04/13/2017

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Maybe compromise. If you don't want her smoking weed in your home she will do it other places anyway and you won't know. Pot seems to be the acceptable drug and I believe it is far less dangerous then alcohol and cigarettes. At 17 she has made up her own mind what she is going to do, in my option you do not have to approve but is it not better that she is around someone that cares and can help if she moves to more dangerous stuff.

Jtcampe3 - posted on 04/13/2017

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I feel your pain and hurt. Teens are NOT easy to understand at all especially when they do an about face of how they were. My sister has had some of the same problems as you have and it is not easy. It seems to me that her acting out may be a result of something deeper that is bothering her. Have you tried to talk to her about possibly talking to someone as far as a counselor or pastor or trusted friend? I will be praying for you for direction. ((Hugs))

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