18 year old Step son is lazy

Jennifer - posted on 11/19/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My 18 year old step son pretty much refuses to do anything to help around the house. I work 40 plus hours a week, my husband does too. I have 2 younger children in the house & they do the few chores that they have. The only thing I ask of him to do dishes, pick up his dirty clothes & after they are washed to put them up. But it will take him a week of me constantly telling him to put his stuff up before he does it. And usually he waits til the weekend when his girlfriend is there & has her do it.. He says if we pay him to do it then he would have no problem doing it, but I dont see any reason to "reward" him for something when I have to ask over & over for him to do. He sleeps til at least noon on the weekends.. He has his own room but chooses to sleep on the couch, and then gripes if we are too loud in the mornings & wake him up. I Love him like hes my own child, but I feel like before he graduates this year, its going to end up causing problems between me & my husband. Im lost on what to do..

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Pearl - posted on 11/23/2010

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No help... no internet, no phone, no pocket money, no luxuries, you pick up your crap you pick up reward points !!!
Write it on a large sheet and give it to EVERYONE in the house. Then stick same on fridge, tv, phone etc until EVERYONE gets the message.
Goodluck

Beverly - posted on 12/04/2010

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My son is 18 and not so much lazy but a procrastinator. Same deal here, as long as he's in school, no work but he got a job for the holidays. His chores are to wash his dishes, ice trays, trash/recycling, and maintain his room. He too sleeps very late on weekends in his room, he tried the couch thing and I wasn't having it! He complained about the noise and I told him if he didn't like it, sleep in your room! I remind him what he has to do on a daily basis but if I have to constantly nag him for his chores, I open his door and stand there until he gets up to do whatever it is he needs to do. I tell him his phone/tv/computer privilages will be taken away. He has no GF at the moment, thank God but if he did, I would turn her away at the door letting her know why. Lately a post-it on his door has been working, but occasionally I let him know I appreciate him doing his share. You can't just "kick" him out, it's still your (step) child, and you should really have a long talk with your husband, he needs to support you so you both can enforce the rules.

Louise - posted on 11/19/2010

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No way would i put up with this. I have teenage sons and they to like to sleep on there days off until noon. There is no way in high hell I would sneak around the house as not to wake him on the sofa. Cruel to be kind here. it is your house and he is living there rent free so he has to participate in the upkeep as and when asked. If he wants to treat the place like a hotel then he will have to get a job and pay rent. Put your foot down with him if he wants feeding then he can help with the washing up. He is an adult now and needs to realise his days of slobbing out are numbered. If nothing changes then say to him you have three months to sort yourself out and get a job or contribute to the home, if not kick him out. I can tell you he will conform my eldest son changed over night for the better. And as for the girlfriend doing his jobs for him oh no, if the house is not done then she does not come through the door! Enough is enough I know you love him but he is using you like a door mat. Protect the relationship with your husband and put a stop to this selfish behaviour.

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Leigh - posted on 12/13/2010

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I agree that the first step to making this a workable situation is to talk to your husband. Approach it gently...he doesn't want you to be the bad guy, but he doesn't either. I go thru this all the time with a 21 y/o. If you don't have the backup of the father, the son will never respect you or do things to help you. This doesn't have to be a combative situation. Blending a family is hard, but in the long run it can be so worth the extra efforts that come along with it. Good luck!

Linda - posted on 12/10/2010

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Have you discussed his behavior with your husband? This is the first place to start. Then you and your husband need to agree on how to handle the situation. Since it is your home and your husband's and he lives there, if his girlfriend wasn't allowed over until his jobs were done, he might do them. Maybe you can discuss this with your husband.

Jackie - posted on 12/10/2010

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I have 2 teenage boys and if they dont pick up their dirty washing, I dont do it. After a few weeks of not doing it they have started to do their own washing and putting their own clothes away.
As for him sleeping on the couch i would encourage eberyone to be louder...he will soon get the mwssage to go to sleep in his own room.

Tough love is what is needed here.
I have had to do this and my 17 year old has becomr more responsible and helps around the house when ever he is asked. Actually the both do although the 16 yr old one gripes while doing it. I was quite soft and was always negotiating with them and chasing dirty washing. Now I just leave it and if they dont do their jobs, i wont take them where they want to go.
Good luck. It was fortunate for me I had support to do this...I hope that u have it as well, WE all need it.

Autum - posted on 12/03/2010

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im going thru the same thing w/my 17yr ol he actually haas moved out which is breaking my heart but its like he thinks its except-able to wanna live on which ever friends he can go to that night ..i want him home but when he was here he didnt do anything around the house(and i just had back surgery 2 mths ago) did he ever offer to help do a dish nope,plus it was causing problems in my relationship,my b/f was ready to walkout on me at one point,but i mean what can we do ???

Annemarie - posted on 12/03/2010

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It's always hard with teens..... especially when they are young men, you say you treat him as yours....I believe you as when you take on the man you take on the child. You do know he is playing you all (girlfriend included).... milking for all he can...... and why shouldn't he?.... he has been given the right!!!! We as parents (step included) try to do the best we can... but sometimes we do too much and in fact create more problems.... I have a 15 year old going down the same track........ but we (my ex and myself) are doing the tough love..... You are doing your boy no favours...... he is a teen and they do sleep till noon..... just don't pick after him and comment when his girlfriend does (Tell her this is the beginning of the rest of her life!!!) he and she will soon get it and hopefully he will......

Joy - posted on 12/02/2010

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be cruel to be knid, i have gone though this with all my sons, lazy llittle so and so,
if they did not do the little chores they had, which where around the same, i was forever on theree back, even a disshwasher didnt help ,
the washing of his cflothes if he dont bring them down then his problem, dont wash them, he will soon moan he has nothing to wear, just close his room door, his problem, if he chooses to sleep on the crouch his problem, it is your home and the family and they to have the right to enjoy it, if he ask for payment again , tell him his payment is you feeding and clothing him, and if he wants to be paid then do the few chores, or go get a job and see what it is like in the real world, if he gets an allowance for going out, start taking money off him for chores not done, he may get upset, but maybe he will learn,
and if this dont work then cut his allowance and share between the others who are doing the chores,
and if he leaves things lying around then tell him that if he dont put it away then it will go in to rubbish bags the next day and put out as rubbish, although just hide the bag for a while, my boys learnt this way when they couldnt find there stuff, and had no clothes to wear, but also remember they will slip and you have to do it again and agin ,
all the best

Nicole - posted on 12/02/2010

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well im sry to hear that butmy son does everything ur son does and he is my bio son ok :) he did the sleeping on the couch thing for 2 years we finally moved and i bought new couches and he slept in his room thing is i have 4 other children, my son graduated this past june and things did not get better he has been one of best kids he never gave me problems untill his junior year girlfriend then some grades droping and then he started to yell at me and never wanted to do simple chores so long story short i love him so much my frist born he has moved out with a freind and has been gone for a month now and im sad but ok no more yelling and he is job searching and enrolled in school for spring so. my answer is to you is to talk to your husband nicley with your step son and set some boundries and let your step son know ther rules again and inforce them but you need his father to be more involved with u and his son.. take care.

Kim - posted on 12/01/2010

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im going thru the same thing with my 15 yr old son..sleeps till noon..is lazy as sin.. will do the absolute minimum - if that- when it comes to chores and that is like pulling teeth to get done..anything above and beyond the little few chores he has , he expects to get paid for anything else we need help with.. he is very argumentative, disrespectful and sometimes verbally abusive with his mouth..i have 2 other younger children and have come to my wits end. i gave him a drug test and found out he tested positive for marijuana..I have now decided to get help thru probation dept and put him on p.i.n.s ( persons in need of supervisions )..im realizing i cannot do this alone anymore ! i have taken away priviledges..it just makes him more angry..now he is making even poorer choices..im going to let probation help me !!

Nikki - posted on 12/01/2010

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I understand your plight as I have a young man that I have brought up for the past 17 years (his now eighteen) who has been doing the same thing. When asked to step up on the two chores (doing the dishes after supper and feeding and washing the pets) he becomes argumentative, disrespectful and even abusive. I am often advised to just toss him out as he will only learn when having to survive on his own without all the priviledges he takes so forgranted. It is however just not in my nature to be that harsh.

Maribel - posted on 11/22/2010

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This is a tough one. I don't think that it is fair that you have to deal with it by yourself. i would suggest talking with your husband and having him deal with him. It just isn't fair that you are made out to be the bad guy. Any way you look at it you lose. If you come down on him, you're the evil step mother. If you come down on him and your husband doesn't like it, you end up in an argument. I would say come to an agreement and have your husband execute that plan with you as a back-up. If it doesn't work, then you also need to talk to your husband about the consequences. Will your husband put away the clothes for him? and do the dishes for him? He is old enough to be doing more than just dishes and putting away his clothes. My son that has learning disabilities and is 17 yrs old does his own laundry. Good luck!

Tonya - posted on 11/20/2010

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I would tell him if he wants me to pay him to do chores then he needs to pay rent if hes 18 he's old enough to take care of himself. When I was 18 I worked full time went to school and paid rent in my own house not my mom's but thats the difference now we Me included are to lenient in making kids do things, my 17 yr old tried that for about a week when he came home from school and found the trash he was taking out tomorrow on his bed he started doing his share. haven't had any more problems since. Just had to show him I was the boss not Him. tuff love

Angie - posted on 11/19/2010

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What is he talking about? He is being paid to do his chores - food and shelter! Speak with your husband and see if you can come up with a plan. If he doesn't pay for his keep in chores, he can pay for it in cash. Not only is it difficult for your family to have to do his chores but in the long run he will not be able to maintain a home on his own. If he doesn't have enough sense to go to his room than he can deal with being woken up early. And what the heck is wrong with his girfriend - I can promise you that I would NEVER allow my son's girlfriend to come clean my home. I'd tell her stop. Your stepson feels very entitled and treats everyone like a doormat. Your stepson deserves to have someone put an end to this now.

Jennifer - posted on 11/19/2010

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My husband pretty much takes up for him. Hes still in school, so we cant kick him out. The rules were as long as he is in high school he doesnt have to work.. But he does have to help around the house. his help includes doing putting dishes in the dishwasher & putting clothes in the washer.. that is it.. not folding them, not putting them in the drier.. its so hard because my kids arent old enough to do alot of chores but they do their part..

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