18 yr old with abusive (now ex) boyfriend

Jodee - posted on 08/07/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My 18 yr old daughter was treated in the ER last night for a concussion because her ex boyfriend physically assaulted her. A police report has been filed.

That's the short to the point part of this post.

The rest of the story is much much more involved. Almost a year and a half ago my daughter met a young man. I'll call him C. She was just coming out of a year of heavy drug abuse (which STARTED by "just smoking pot" but that's another post for another time) when she met C. When he first came around he was very respectful and told me about himself and his family. Interestingly enough, he was a calming influence between my daughter and I. 10 days after they started dating he was arrested. He had a previous charge (that he told me about) he was waiting to go to court on (his previous girlfriend was underage and he was 18) and ended up in jail then prison for a little over a year. During that year, I paid for every collect call, every visit to the local jail and when he was moved to prison 75 miles away, I paid for trips to visit him every.single.weekend for months. During the time he was locked up, my daughter went back to drugs worse then before, almost died of alcohol poisoning, and was raped twice. His response at the time? "If you had listened to me none of that would have happened." Not, "Are you ok? Did you report it?" Nope, it was all about "I told you so!" When he got out, things weren't easy. He wasn't allowed to be at my house because I have a 12 yr old daughter. I bent over backwards to make it so they could be together. So now we jump forward to about 8 weeks ago (he's only been out since the middle of May). My daughter is a bipolar/manic/schizophrenic bundle of emotions. She was happy he was out but he was so demanding and needy and clingy that she just needed some space. He expected her to be with him every minute of every day. She wasn't allowed to stay home and sleep or do laundry because then he wouldn't have anybody to hang out with and he "needed" her. She couldn't handle it and with all of the emotional/mental stuff she was trying to deal with she kept breaking up with him then begging him to come back then breaking up then begging him back. Finally he had enough and walked away. Only to continue texting her and in her emotional/mental state she was crying and apologizing and well, you get the idea. In the last 8 weeks she has not had another boyfriend nor has she had sex with anyone else. He has been leading her on and telling her that if she does he will never take her back...blah blah blah... In the meantime, he has gotten another girl pregnant! All this time he has been texting me and maintaining contact with me. Not that I go out of my way to contact him but I have responded. Like I read on another post here recently I came to love this boy like one of my children and just because my daughter isn't with him anymore, my "mom feelings" didn't turn off so quick. Two days ago he texted her and told her that his girlfriend dumped him and left him stranded and he needed a ride and a place to sleep for the night. My family is currently houseless and living in a motel room. My youngest was going to be gone for the night so I said he could come and stay with us for one night ONLY. I didn't sleep the whole night because I wanted to make sure they didn't do anything stupid. Well, yesterday while I was at work, he apparently went into a jealous rage because a guy friend did her a favor and pretty much beat the crap out of her. She wanted to go to the ER but he wouldn't let her because "he would get in a lot of trouble". He did agree to go to another friends house when she asked. She wanted to get to somewhere there was at least one other person so he wouldn't try to hurt her again. Apparently C decided to leave the friends house and go meet up with his pregnant girlfriend. As soon as he left, my daughter and her friend came to me and told me what happened. She finally went to the ER and got checked out (concussion) and filed a police report.
Sorry this ended up so long but I just really needed to get it out.
Oh, and those "mom feelings" I mentioned before? Yeah, they're gone now.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Angela - posted on 08/13/2012

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Jodee, your daughter took up with this guy and initially you felt he was a calming influence - fair enough. But he told you himself from the outset that he was waiting to have a case heard about having sex with an underage girl! And you have a younger daughter yourself! Then he got locked up and you were a support to him, accepting phone calls and paying for them etc!

When he gets out of jail they don't hit it off because he's controlling and she's needy. So they part company but still keep in touch when clearly it's a toxic relationship for both of them! He gets someone else pregnant and also violently attacks your daughter, doing his best to ensure she doesn't go for medical attention so he won't get into trouble!

You're a family that don't have your own home, Jodee honey, you can't afford to carry passengers. Your daughter should NEVER feel that because of her issues with drugs and mental health she is only worthy of a man like him! And you shouldn't feel that way either. What example does this give to your younger daughter?

Please get real and encourage your daughter to get real. It is not the be-all and end-all in life to be in a relationship. She can do better than him. Living her life positively without a man would be doing a lot better!

Please support your children by looking out for their best interests.

Good luck to you.

Jessica - posted on 08/11/2012

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At this point in your daughter's life, it's best to be open with her. She needs to know she can rely on you and you won't judge her. Therapy could be helpful for her, but if you can't get mental health care, look around the internet or library for literature on emotional abuse. Find her a book, or articles online that you can both read. Maybe some groups with other abuse victims.

Once she can identify what he's put her through and how wrong it is, she'll come of out this a stronger person. Hopefully she can break the abusive cycle with him for good, and not fall into it again with another man.

Tracy - posted on 08/10/2012

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Be strong for her. He will say & do anything to stay in her lofe but the abuse will only continue. Try to get her support & in a good church. It could save her life.

Kate - posted on 08/09/2012

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Your loyalties and responsibilities lie with YOUR daughter, look after her, she is young and needs GOOD guidance. Sometimes you need to be the bad guy and say NO! Stay away from C or the consequences are xyz ( make them mean something to HER). You need to get her on your side first and you will be united. You need to be smarter than her, work out what makes her tick and pull those strings to steer her to a better place. I'd let c's mom do the same for him. I don't feel at this time you have enough focus time to look out for him, your daughter needs you too much. I get that teenagers are needy and want to be accepted unconditionally, it's a tough gig, but you have to sleep on this and be ahead of her game. Take your time to make a good plan and don't back down, take charge of this and help HER put an end to this horrible relationship. She needs to feel she is in control of her choices, even though you can be the puppeteer so to speak. Take your time to figure out your game plan and help her to help herself. Do you have another sensible and supportive adult to help you with this? It's serious. I feel strongly that you address this and protect your child! Good luck and happy to chat if this helps -x-

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Angela - posted on 08/13/2012

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Yes Jodee, hindsight is indeed 20/20 vision! I also had an abusive first husband. I hope your daughter is able to move forward from this experience. I appreciate it was difficult if you had bonded (in a motherly way) with this young guy but I'm glad to hear that the "mom feelings" are no longer with you.

Good luck for the future!

Jodee - posted on 08/13/2012

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@Angela
I have given my daughter all of my support in this situation. Yes, hind sight is 20/20 and if I could go back and do things differently, I totally would. As for his previous charge, there is a lot more to the story that I won't get into here. However, all I can do at this point is support my daughter and make sure she knows, like you said, she is worth so much more then this. I have always been a single mom and I have never hid the reasons I'm not with her father from her. He was never physically abusive to me but was mentally and emotionally abusive. It took awhile but I finally came to the realization that I was worth more then that and deserved better for myself and my child. As for me feeling that she can't do better, that is so not even close to the truth. She is an amazing young woman with so much potential and I tell her all the time that she deserves so much better. During the last year and a half, we have had many discussions about C and I tried to get her to move on, but in the end, she made her choices and now she is paying the price for them. I love her with all my heart and I will always love her, unconditionally, no matter what. I don't always agree with her but that doesn't change my love in any way.

Jodee - posted on 08/13/2012

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Thanks for the input everyone. Here's the latest...
He was arrested late Wednesday night and his bail hearing was Thursday afternoon. Someone posted bail for him and he was released Thursday evening. The sheriff's office did call my daughter and let her know he had been released. My family is currently homeless and we were living in a motel room. This is where the assault happened. Our local paper printed an article on Thursday that released a lot of information about the case, including exactly where it happened. They put my family in danger and we had to leave the motel and luckily we were able to go spend the weekend with family. I have spoken to the Prosecuting Attorney's office and they suggested I call and speak to the editor of the paper. I did that this morning and she actually told me that everything they printed was public knowledge and that she disagreed that it put my family in danger. Seriously??? So anyway, now we will be moving in with family until we can find a new place to live. My daughter wants to leave and go live with family in a different state. I don't blame her! C's arraignment is Friday morning and I will be there to see what happens.
Again, thanks for the support in this. This is really the first time I've posted anything on here and I appreciate the responses you guys have had.

Brandi - posted on 08/09/2012

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glad that he got picked up she and you both are doing good by not accepting his calls that is how my daughters dad did to me to he would call or text me and i would never answer to him and the day after my daughter was born he showed up at the hospitial trying to steal my daughter luckily i had my daughter in the room with me and i heard him talking to the nurse in the nursery and i locked the door to my room and paged the nurse to let her know that he is not to be near me or my daughter and than his family showed up 10 mins later and me and my daughter was locked in the room so he could not bother us and they was told to leave and they wouldn't so the nurse called the cops to escort them out of there i have protected my daughter since the day i found out i was pregnant and the day she was born and i still do and i always will she is my whole world i have not heard from her dad in almost 4 years

Jodee - posted on 08/09/2012

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A quick update on the current situation:
He was picked up late last night and is currently in jail. The charge is Assault 2 DV. He has a bail hearing today. He keeps trying to call my daughter collect (she doesn't accept the call) and he just tried to call me collect!

Brandi - posted on 08/08/2012

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i am so so sorry that this happened to your daughter i hope that they catch him and he gets in alot of trouble i hope your daughter is okay, my ex bf hit me before when i was pregnant and i told his family and his friends about it and they laughed at me they thought that it was very very funny, and i filed a report on him now he has to pay child support to my daughter and he can never see my daughter and never will he can not go anywheres near me or my daughter i am so so glad that i got out while i was pregnant and glad that i have my daughter and he can never hurt her and he can never hurt me again,i am glad your daughter is away from her ex boyfriend where he can not hurt her again

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