18yr old boy befriending my 15 yr daughter. How to tell her its not going to happen?

Kristi - posted on 09/17/2012

I am so excited for you, Ann! That is wonderful news! Although, I would have started off with the 6'2" brother paying a little visit to the "friend." LOL j/k I am glad the guy is being respectful thus far. Hopefully things will continue to go smoothly and your daughter will continue to come to you and listen to you. It sounds like you are off to a great start!

Ann - posted on 09/17/2012

Thanks Kristi and Joy.

I have since spoken to her , in the manner to which you two had suggested. This has certainly helped as she now fully understands I don't approve and have grave doubts of his intentions. She says she understands how I feel and that I do this out of love and caring and that I don't want her to get hurt. In Australia, girls are legal at 16. I spoke of how charming 18 yr olds can be if they want something. At 15 she isn't allowed to be alone with him. I have said there are boundaries and apparently he understands this too! Hmm, I think she has let him know. They met through a Hot Rod Club and have hung out at meets etc. So far he has only been allowed over one day on the weekend, not on any school night. We have hols coming up but I think he is doing some long shifts at work. She has said she they have both been hurt in the past so want to take their friendship slowly. I guess if there are too many boundaries and he doesn't respect them he will either grow tired of it or wait. My daughter and I have a good relationship and she tells me most things because I listen and give good advice, with out judgement. I explained she may not like some of the boundaries sometimes but this is a rite of passage to becoming a young woman and we all went through it. THank you Joy for sharing your story, I can only imagine how heart wretching that all was. I get the feeling if I put a stop to it things will go pear shaped. So firm but fair, otherwise I'll send her 6' 2" brother to have a quiet word to him, he doesnt do conflict but is very mature and sensible for his age. Thank you again, Ladies

Joy - posted on 09/17/2012

Kristi C. summed it up best! I have a stepdaughter who lived with her father and I for two years in Virginia (ages 13-15) decided she didn't like our house rules and wanted to go back to live with her biological mother in North Carolina. Mind you she came to live with her father and I because she was out of control in her mother's home (Ages 8 - 13)her father and I learned that she became sexually active at 8 yrs old. She lived with us an older brother and a younger sister and it was rough keeping her under control, but we did our best and tried to be liberal and fair, but she did not like it. Living with her bio-mom meant freedom to do whatever she wanted without rules, boundaries etc. Bio-mom was more like her friend instead of a parent. Needless to say when she left our home and went with her mom she was 15 yrs old she began dating an 18 yr old young man (if she lived with us she knew her father would not allow it) of which her mother allowed. She smoked marijuana, drank alcohol and had as much sex as she wanted. She and her mother fought constantly for power (bio-mom wanted the lucrative child support check but did not want to parent the child). The 18 year old young man worked and was in college, showered her with gifts and acted as a boyfriend/parent taking the financial responsibility off of the bio-mom. This was ok until my stepdaughter began physically fighting with her bio-mom and trying to rule the house etc. stating that if her boyfriend could not stay the night then her mom's boyfriend could not stay the night. (Crazy situation!). She stopped taking her birth control pills, got pregnant, moved in with the boyfriend (by then she was 16 yrs old) and decided they wanted to get married to give their baby a chance in life etc. We knew it would not work, but they were not listening to anyone. She fought tooth and nail not to come back to VA because she wanted to be with her boyfriend. She became emancipated, married her boyfriend and did manage to get her GED after her junior year of high school. Needless to say after two months of marriage he began beating her (yes she was pregnant) she kept it a secret from the family. He was a charmer, worked 2 jobs and was in college, but VERY CONTROLLING! After 8 months of marriage and fights he was arrested for domestic misdemeanor assault on her and put in jail. She took this opportunity to leave the marriage. He convinced her to bring him the baby girl and says he wants a month to month visitation until the child goes to school then he wants physical custody. She was breast feeding, but has stopped because she is not making milk since the baby is gone for 30 days. She begged to come back and live with her father and I in Virginia and here she lives. We are helping her, but we have to talk and explain things in ways not to offend her or push her away. She doesn't get it that it is not over and that he is a lunatic and is still trying to control her through the baby. I told her she is making a mistake, but the decision is hers. He will be abusive to that baby one day because he has no self control and is using the baby to get to her. We had to tell them both he is not welcome at our home, but she will need to co-parent with him after they go to court in a week about the assault charges. She says she has cut out contact with him recently, but other than a picture text once a week of the baby she does not hear from him. I told her she needs to let the court handle custody etc. he is a ticking time bomb. My advice to you is to stay close to your daughter and talk to her without dictating or offending she growing into a young woman, but be firm and let the guy know you do not approve. This way you know that he is aware of your feelings and things are clear that she is too young. I think guys who talk to young girls have issues especially when they are teens. Wait until she is 18 and legal.

Kristi - posted on 09/13/2012

Yikes! I dread the day! This is a sticky, risky situation. 1) teens usually want something more when it is forbidden, 2) if you don't put your foot down and she winds up an addict or pregnant you will never forgive yourself, 3) if you do put your foot down, she could end up cutting you off at the knees, shutting you out and still wind up pregnant or 4) she already knows you mean what you say and she is fearful of her consequences. Hopefully it is number 4.



I agree and think you should be direct but not too bold. Give her the respect of having your reasons and explaning them in a way that does not sound like you think she is stupid or a baby. Tell her not only is a relationship like this inappropriate but it is against the law. Let her know that you would appreciate her for respecting your wishes because you love her and only want her to be safe and happy.



Explain to her that everybody enjoys a little extra attention, even us old moms but sometimes that can lead to bad things. Of course you don't think anything bad is going to happen to her (danger usually excites them) but she still be aware of whay could potentially go wrong. In her case, she could get a bad reputation and have her really think about how mean kids can be. Maybe tell her a little story about a girl in your school who got teased and picked on for something similar. (me being me, would make it up if I had to in order to drive it home) She could also be abused (physical or emotional or both), and/or could find herself with an unplanned pregnancy. Make her think about what that would do to her future. Most teen moms don't go to college and have to give up their dreams of being a teacher, doctor, flight attendant, whatever she has her hopes on. If she is at all vain (most of them are), give her a picture of what pregnancy, drugs, a black eye will do to her body and her appearance. Explain that even if she says no that does not mean he will take no for an answer and she or any woman/girl could get seriously hurt, or sexually abused or God forbid, raped. Since she knows he does drugs tell her that he could easily drug her and she wouldn't know it until it was too late.



Say to her, you're not trying to offend her or hurt her feelings but guys that age only hang around girls her age because they think they can control them. Ask her if she thinks they really have things in common, find out why she wants to hang around with a doper, what does she like about him and make her be specific. Obviously, you don't want to make it sound like an episode of Law and Order SVU or that you are "just being dramatic...he would never do anything like that." Once you start talking just go with the flow.



At the end of the sit down, calmly and in a non threatening manner remind her that it would make you very happy if she doesn't see this boy anymore however, if she chooses to disobey you you will not be afraid to call the police. Then, to get rid of the tension, maybe suggest that you would be happy to take her and a friend(s) to the mall or out for pizza, something like that. And me being me, would drop them off, wave good bye and say see ya right here at 7, then I would go park the car and play a little 007.



I know that sounds wrong but teenagers are sneaky and unpredictable. When parents aren't around they're liable to do anything. I don't want to end up in the dark with my head up my ass while she's out getting high or getting drunk and having under age sex and then one day something bad happens and all I can say is, "I had no idea!" But "snooping and spying" is an entirely different debate. Like I said, me being me.



I hope everything goes smoothly and you don't have to threaten life or limb. ; ) I will keep you in my thoughts. Good luck.

Ann - posted on 09/12/2012

Thanks Betty, Its early days, and I have spoken to her and she was the one who told me about the drugs. I think I will have to be blunt and say its just not going to happen.

Betty - posted on 09/12/2012

hi ms ann, all i can say is talk to your daughter,alot. there is NO way that i would allow some 18 yr old around my child. they have nothing in common.and talk openly about sex (if u havent already). there are two many parents out there that r scared to have the sex talk, because they think that means giving children the ok to go and have sex. also let her know that some boys that age thats all they are thinking about. and if he keeps trying to see her, call the police on him....