18yr old son
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Dee - posted on 01/02/2010
My Son is 18 and hes been out of home now for 2 and a half years, He left in a fury, at first i was able to talk with him on the mobile then one day he just hung up and hasnt spoken to me since, that was almost 2 years ago now..I still love him and wonder if hes ok, but the next step is all up to him...Be careful how you tread, teenagers are so complicated these days, with all the outside influences, friends and such...all i can say is, stick to your guns, whatever rules you've had in the house, keep to them, dont alter them because he's making threats as you could be also making a big mistake...But dont go loosing your temper, as he might just walk and that could be that...all i can say is keep things as they have been, whatever will be will be and you just have to cross that bridge when you come to it, cos no matter what, he's going to do whatever pleases him anyway...teens who knows what their thinking half the time...
Heather - posted on 01/03/2010
I have a son that Graduated High school then 3 weeks later turned 18. He had been threatening me with "as soon as I am 18, you'll never hear from me again, for at least a year." We moved a month later 650 miles away to a different state , we had been planning this for six months, and he chose not to come with us. We had split the expense with his savings and purchased him a car and he totalled it 3 weeks after we moved and he has been living like that without a job and car. He has had the last 6 months of living on his own without a job and sleeping at whichever friend he could each night. I had told him to come home and get his crap together after he totalled his car and that I felt he wasn't ready to be on his own yet and there was no shame in it. But I would only make the offer once. Though he had the freedom to party he didn't have the means or the money to do so. He came home 3 weeks ago and now has to live with my rules again until such time as he can move out with a job and his own money and car. He also has the option to continue on to school and we would support him again only if he continues to do the right things for himself and moving forward. He still thinks he made the right choice but he never will take our home rules for granted again.
Since you never stated if he was still in High School or if he has graduated/or is taking an alternate route, would determine my response. If he is still in school then the rules that he has lived with until he turns 18 should apply until he has graduated and is no longer your responsibility. If he is still in HS then the law says he is still your responsibility. If he isn't then maybe the reality of life needs to play its course. The hardest thing for me was the emotional blackmail he had me under and the guilt and hurt he made me feel. I let him do it his way and learned how to live with it the best I could. (Though him not calling for 2-3 weeks would have me in knots) I know it was the best thing I could have done for him.
In this day and age if your son thinks he can get a job without finishing HS he will be sadly disappointed, because my son couldn't. Since there are 10-18% of educated adults, with college degrees out of work, what does he think he is really going to do.
If he keeps on his own course maybe the only thing you can do is let him and don't let him emotionally blackmail you with his own choices. Strongly remind him that if he chooses to do it his way then, you will in no way take the responsibility for whatever he may get himself into. Some lessons we all have to learn by experience.
Though as adults we have all been there and done that....they have to learn that we aren't doing it to control them only give them structure and safety to allow themselves leeway to learn.
Good Luck to you.
Amber - posted on 01/03/2010
Its A hard time as some boys take forever to grow up! Give it to him the tough "That your glad he thinks he can do as he please's! But remind him that actions of bad behaviour have different results at 18! You wont help him! He is an adult! Tell him that he should go live in the big world but under his own roof! Tell him you luv him but he is on his own! He has to see that he is responsible for his actions and your over his Bullshit! ( You will worry!). We cant stop them but we can only guide them .I have 6 children (5 are boys) aged 24 to16 I only ever had this battle twice its a hard time but rules of your home have to stand as the rest of the children under your roof will think they can do it too. Good luck! Stay strong!!
Hahaha...familiar words! My son is turning 18 Jan 8th. He's said the same things to me. I do have a 19 year old daughter at home and she goes to school and follows the rules. I told him the same thing i told her...you absolutely can do what you want when you want...just not here! When you have your own house you can make the rules and I'll even ovbey them when i come to visit but in my house, everyone will follow my rules!! Then point out that we all follow grandma/grandpa's rules in their house dont we? This is no different. BUT the hard part comes when he tests you and you have to ask him to leave. It will happen and if you dont follow through then he will never follow your rules again. it will set a pattern so remember to be tough and stick to your guns! It will benefit the whole family if you do...especially if you have younger children watching this exchange!
Amy - posted on 01/02/2010
This past June, my 17 year old son (he turned 18 in Sep) became very disrespectful toward me. He called me a few names I didn't appreciate and when I asked him why he was treating me this way he told me I deserved it. This behavior has been getting progressively worse over the years. His siblings and myself have been walking on eggshells around him for a few years. I asked him to find a home where there was an adult that he could respect and told him he needed to sign a Respect Contract if he wanted to come back home. This included his attending church again. I did this because it would be a test as to whether he was acknowledging who the Queen Bee was in the family. Needless to say, he has not come home yet. I forgot to mention he's in his senior year of high school. He is currently living with a family member.
I have to say that our household is SO much more at peace now. My two other children have blossomed without their brother around. I believe that when I put my foot down, I was doing a favor for every other woman out there who comes in contact with my son. It still hurts and I have gotten some flack from family but after watching my two other kids come out of their shells, I know this was worth it.
Yvonda - posted on 01/02/2010
let him know that 18 is just a number, and that really doesnt make him an adult, and if he is going to live under you roof, he still has to go by your rules, but if he does decide to move out, I would still support him on that and let him know that you'll always be there for him no matter how old is is
Kimberly - posted on 01/01/2010
I have already had it out with my son over this issue. He will be 18 in 11 days and thinks he will not have to follow any rules. I've already made it very clear that if he wants to continue to live under my roof he will remain in school (he's a jr). But his main problem is his friends. He had friends over this past week and damaged my home. I am severely disappointed and p@#$%d off at him. I wasn't able to talk to him about any of this because he went to his father's for the weekend. I cannot trust him-I've had to put a lock on my bedroom door because he has stolen from me. He's come home drunk and high and any money he receives goes for the same. His father is of no help. I know teens will try these things and I'm no saint, but I did not want my son to become this type of person. I'm exhausted trying to figure it all out.
Carla - posted on 12/31/2009
18yr old son
My son will be 18 on the 30th dec he is already a nightmare says when he s 18 can do what he likes when he likes and no one is going to stop him
Good luck dear. my son just turned 19 and it is still so tuff. I want to kick him out but how in the world can you put them out with no place to go? He drives me crazy when he's home and worries me even more when he's gone! I just pick my battles and constantly remind him this is my house I pay the bills and if you don't like it you can leave! H e has figured out that he really has no where else to go. Nobody else is going to take care of him and it does minimize the fights.
Accepting responsibility for one's self has a lot of clauses in the contract. I am of the opinion that as long as the "young man" resides under your roof, your rules apply. I have always told my son, who also is 18yo, it is my job to keep you safe. I may not like all that you do but, I will always love you. Therefore, we must always find common ground to exist on. I try to keep open lines of communication. If he doesn't feel like he can talk to me, I'm afraid that is when trouble will come knocking. So far, so good. Good Luck working out your recipe for this one.
Lisa - posted on 12/31/2009
Are you paying his bills? As long as he is under your roof.....I hope you have a foundation of love, I know my son loves me and he knows I love him, you do need to give him more room to grow and make decisions, good or bad, but he has to know he can come to you to discuss them. And try not to judge so much, that is my problem...
Amy - posted on 12/30/2009
I have an 18 year old son, too. He thought that when he turned 18 it was going to be a free-for-all. He got a quick wake-up call when we told him that as long as he's under our roof, he abides by our rules. If he doesn't like it, he's out. Keep firm and stand your ground. Tough love is a definite in this situation!
Sharon - posted on 12/30/2009
ah ...no he does not have that authority, unless he wants to move out and live on his own... if he lives in your house YOUR rules-especially if still in school(high school) if in college needs rules just less ...be strong if he insists he can do what he wants kick him out... he will come back quick after knowing the real world its funny how they need their parents AFTER they have been on their own.If he doesn't he will still know it is not easy being an adult
Emilia - posted on 12/29/2009
My parents used to tell me that the locks are on the doors to keep the bad people out and not to keep the good people in. In other words if he doesn't like the rules of YOUR HOME then he can feel free to find the door.
Worked for me.
Audrey - posted on 12/29/2009
well, my son is 16 but he will turn 18 a week before he starts his Sr year in high school. we choose to keep him a extra year in kindergarten and don't regret it. but we realized that we would have the problem of him being 18 and still in high school. We have chosen to talk about it early and often so that he knows what all of our expectations and concerns are. Even though this is going to happen tomorrow, it is not to late. sit him down and have a reasonable discussion about both the rights and responsibilities he will now have. give him a written list of what you will and wont expect and what he can do if he does not like it. be calm, understanding and firm. don't yell, scream or make demands. but don't say anything you are not willing to do. he may not like it, he may rant and rave, but someday he will understand. be sure you tell him you love him.
Well the best thing to do is call a family table meeting and discuss how things are going to change when he becomes an adult member of the family. So there are two choices- do your share (adult share) of cleaning the house and yard, watching the younger children, doing laundry, running errands, shopping and cooking for the family, and being in adult relationships with the other adults (respect for their property and rules) while he continues his plan for sucess (work, college, or both) OR becoming a roommate- which means you have no responsibility for him any longer so he can begin taking care of his own responsibilities- pay for dentists, dr visits, buy his own clothes/shoes/gifts. Now he will have to pay rent, his share of utilities, food, cleaning supplies, but he can come and go as he pleases but there are house rules for all people who live here and you will not be cleaning pu after him. He will not disturb the family with late noise or bringing strangers around, etc. Nothing that anyone else would not expect from him if he was there roommate. Now let's look on paper what this means- list of expenses and his income. Which choice will he make? You also might want to remind him that as an adult, he now can be charged as an adult and must register to vote and if he gets in trouble, here is the attorney's number, he might want to save some money for those costs. Really- a sit down, sincere tallk, is necessary at this point. Please come to our community "We Survived Our Teens" (see communities this site) and let all of us know how it went. Good luck, Jude
Inga - posted on 12/28/2009
Oh, such familiar words!! Sounds like he needs a reality check. If he is going to be "independent" he may need to have some fiscal responsibility as far as food/utilities/rent. How does he plan on living with this new found "freedom"? Society still sees him as a minor until he is 21, can't rent/purchase auto/housing... Does he work?
Wishing you all the best in the days to come! Hang on, not too tight!
Diane - posted on 12/28/2009
I know it's eazier said then done, but if he wants to live in your home he needs to follow your rules!!! I know it's hard my son is 17 almost 18, we are going through the same with him. If they only realized how good they actually had it at home,they wouldn't argue about it!!!!
Angel - posted on 12/28/2009
I would make sure he understands what the rules are for him to remain in your home if that is something that he is planning on doing. If he can't follow the rules he gets to be all grown up and support himself as an adult. If he is planning on spreading his wings and moving out, well life has a way of humbling us. It is amazing how quickly that process happens too.
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