2 teen daughters. 1 is a new Mom, the other, mentally unstable.

Patty - posted on 06/04/2011

Thank you, Maria. Yes, we are blessed, and my grandson has truly brought joy to our family just as your daughter brought you. I'm sorry that your mother couldn't see the joy but you have obviously done well, being blessed with 6 more! Every child is a blessing, and no child should be seen as a mistake or burden. Reading back over my posts, I don't know why I wasted my time replying to that person, but I haven't let her get me down.

Maria - posted on 06/03/2011

I can totally relate to this because I was in your daughters shoes many years ago. Just a few months before my 19th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I was in my first year of university and was with my first ever serious boyfriend. We were both shocked and confused because I was on birth control, but unfortunately it failed. We went through all the options, including adoption and abortion, but we both knew from the start we could not give up our baby. When I told my mother, she was totally unsupportive and told me I would have to give up my baby because she "knew" (her words) that I wouldn't be able to do it. I gave birth to my daughter when I was 19 years old. My mother was completely ashamed of me to the point where she wouldn't even call my daughter her grandchild. She called her a "mistake" and told us she wasn't willing to help out whatsoever. It was a struggle those few years after she was born especially when the only family I had to help me out was my sister, who was only 12 at the time. I respect you very much for being so supportive with your daughter and your grandson. I would've done anything for my mother just to have loved my daughter, but she couldn't even do that. We all have our struggles in life, but some bring great happiness and joy, as you say your grandson brings you. Coming from a girl who didn't even want children, my daughter definately changed my decision on that and now I have 7 beautfiul children who are not mistakes or burdens, they are just my kids and I do not regret any of the decisions I've made in my life. I hope my story gives you a little encouragement because the person above me is certinately trying to bring you down. You are doing a wonderful thing for both your daughter and grandson and don't make anyone make you think differently. Someday, your daughter and your grandson will thank you for taking such great care of them especially in this difficult time in your life.

Patty - posted on 06/01/2011

BONNIE, lol...in no way is what you've been ranting about the TRUTH. It may be your truth but not mine. I have said nothing rude or confrontational, so I don't know why you continue to attack me. I will give a couple of responses to some of your comments. After that, I'm done with your ridiculous accusations.
Regarding WIC, yes, SHE has to apply for it. I didn't think she'd be eligible for this either, but her social worker and school have told us otherwise and encouraged her to apply for it. Because she's a teen and a full-time student, she is eligible. They don't count our income because we are not the ones recieving help, the baby is. She hasn't even applied for it yet, but it is available. Btw, we live in FL now, not AL. I believe I already explained that move. Teens are not required to have a permit to get a job here. They're not given out by schools or any other agency, but finding a place that will hire a 14 yr old is near impossible unless you know someone. My now 16 yr old has been applying for jobs for the past 2 yrs, and every place says that they require a person to be 16 or even 18. Even if she was able to find a job, I wouldn't want her to be working on the weekends. Then I WOULD be raising her child, and that's HER job...like I said school and parenting are her "jobs" for now. I say you're cruel and insensitive because of the "punishment" you say you'd give your daughter if this happened to her. Parents like you are the reason kids hide things from their parents and girls run out and get abortions without telling them...out of fear of what their parents might do. Like I said my biological grandmother tried to force my teenage mother to abort me, even tying her arms and legs to a bed in a hotel room. She fought so hard, that not even the person that was supposed to perform the abortion could go through with it. God has blessed us with this beautiful child, who has actually brought our family closer together. I would or could never abandon my child or grandchild during their time of need. My grandson already has a good home with people who love him and care for him, and that's a lot more than many children have. Yes, there are many teens that don't have supportive parents who are willing and able to provide a good home or a school that helps them, and I do believe that these girls should give the child up for adoption.
I don't know if you've noticed, but it seems that you're pretty much alone with your opinions. The others who have responded and I have all received comments such as helpful, nice, and encouraging. I see none of these on your comments, probably because judgemental, cruel, and insensitive aren't options.
Like I've said, you don't know me or my family, so you deserve no further explanations or respect from me, especially since you have not been respectful to me.
BONNIE, I don't know you or what has happend in your life to make you so angry and judgemental, but I will pray for you and especially your family.

Bonnie - posted on 06/01/2011

Here, let me know pass judgement. You are obviously very sensitive to this subject already. So, I will assist you with some information...



According to Answer.com the state of AL allows a child of 14 to work as long as they apply for a work permit (working papers) that I spoke about. 90% of jobs can be obtained with a work permit.



Now, whether you allow your daughter to contribute to the monitary care of her child is your decision.

Bonnie - posted on 06/01/2011

Its BONNIE and the truth hurts when someone shines it in your face, doesn't it. I'm not judging you, YOU are taking it that way. Have I come to your house and tortured you? Then how am I cruel?

So because my children and others make incorrect decisions, we should stop having STANDARDS for anyone to aspouse to? So, ANYTHING goes with you huh? I don't believe that. Give your daughter sage advise to give that child a chance with a family that will love it and care for it without the hard knocks of be the age of 5 before Mom is 20.

Why were my last comments insensitive? There must be a sensitivity about the subject for ME to be Insensitive. If you are doing the right thing, why are you so bothered by my OPINION.

Oh, and Patty...my husband and I both served in the US Marine Corps, so WE also gave people the right to speak their minds and we exercise it.

Sure she is old enough to get a job. They are called "working papers" you can fill out through your local high school to allow her to work at 14. It may be different in AL, but I think most state allow this. You can have her work on the weekends to make up the difference and pay for her child. If you make such a great living, how does your minor child qualify for WIC, its not a automatic thing you have to actually apply for it. Lets not be disingenuous here.

Patty - posted on 05/31/2011

Connie, you're not only rude but cruel and insensitive to other's feelings. You seem to be full of opinions with not much to back it up. You are very quick to judge and assume you know things that you have little or no knowlege of. Who are you to judge? Are you really that perfect with children who always make the right decisions? If so then kudos to you, but I highly doubt it. Only God himself can judge. I thought this was supposed to be a place to talk to other moms, to receive support, support others and share ideas without judgements and accusations. Friendly advice is always welcome, but you seem to judge and criticise those who don't share you're way of doing things. You absolutely don't know what your talking about where my family is concerned. My daughter gets WIC and Medicaid for the baby only...for formula then baby food, and that's about it! She is not eligible for anything else, not food stamps, public assistance, etc, because we make way too much money. We'd never apply for these things anyway, because we don't need it. My husband is going on 22yrs of military service, defending your and your family's freedom to be able to speak your mind and attack me and my way of doing things...someone whom you don't know anything about, and issues you seem to have no real experience with. My husband has been to the Middle East many times over the years, and even had to miss the birth of our first child because of this. We have had to sacrifice alot over the years. Not only that, but I also did time in the military as well, from which I'm disabled. I do get disability for which I paid many yrs into to be able to use when needed, and NO I don't get SSI or any othe entitlements because, again, we make too much money to be eligible for these programs. I believe we have more than paid our fair share of taxes as well as service to our country. Just in property taxes alone, we pay alot...our current home runs $5000/yr and $3000 on another that we were unable to sell when we had to move because of military orders. We now lease it out at a loss, because the value dropped so much that we couldn't get what we needed to pay it off.
You don't need to tell me who pays for these programs...WE DO! We have worked for what we have. My husband's military insurance pays for his children but not grandchildren.
You also don't know what you're talking about regarding the school she's attending...again, assuming. Actually your first comment was that she didn't deserve to earn a diploma...which is it? It is more flexible because they are parents, but it is the same books, same curriculum, and she has to take the same state achievement exams as well as the test required to graduate. The only difference is they give them their work when they start and have a maximum of a year to complete the work. They have instruction daily but are able to work at their own pace and can even finish school early if they're motivated enough. If she chooses to stay there, she will earn a real High School Diploma. She was even able to continue in her Advanced Literary Studies when she changed schools. I know there are many programs out there to help teen moms get their GED. This is not one of them. The Childcare class is just a required elective to get them prepared for being mothers. She's going to go back there in the fall at least until she's caught up, then may return to her High School in the Spring, but if it gets too mucch, we will enroll Florida Virtual School and she'd be able to earn her diploma through online classes here at home. When I mentioned other teens having abortions, I was only using that as an example of what many other girls her age do, many times out of fear of their parents. Maybe you could just give your grandchild away and not think twice about it, but I absolutely could not bear to give up my grandchild for adoption, especially with what I had to go through as a child. We are more than able to provide for this child. This child has actually brought our family closer and has brought so much joy to our home. You don't have to understand or approve of how I've handled things, but I assure you, everything was done in the best interest of the child.
Believe it or not, it sounds like we probably have many of the same views about gov't handouts. There are many who abuse the system and never intend on getting a job. They're being given everything, so why would they want to work? Most of these programs just keep people poor, because they all have this sense of entitlement now just for being born. They expect the gov't to take care of them, and the gov't just keeps giving handouts and "stimulus packages" that don't do what they're supposed to do, and wasting trillions of dollars that they don't have I could go on but this isn't the place. I never said that you said anything about abortion. I was just making a point of what many scared girls do who are unable to talk to their parents. Oh, and it was absolutely pure luck that I didn't get pregnant as a teen. I absolutely did not make good decisions. My parents were very strict but were absolutely clueless about what I was doing. This just made me sneak around behind their backs and lie about where I was going and what I was doing. Fortunately, lived through it and have learned from my mistakes...why in the world would I lie about that. BTW, your last comments don't even justify an answer. I think you may just be a cruel, insensitive person, and maybe you just can't help it..

JEANNINE - posted on 05/31/2011

OMG I feel like I have just read my own BIO.... I have gone through ALL of this.... "treatments' ""culture shock move" and a daughter on birth control for a month got preg at 16 (also her first sexual exp) and her sister is completely different and irrational thinker. My daughter is going on 19 and is a proud mother of a 2 year old son...She is a STNA and has paid for HERSELF!!!! including furniture, apt and car paid for in cash.... My oldest now 20 is still be irrational with her thinking and having depression, anxiety and drinking a lot. Yes WE are truly blessed... that SATAN has tried is hardest to come at us we stood strong in FAITH and LOVE..... I am a stay at home wife on disability and try to see my grandson as much as possible, ..... I find my struggle now is with my 20 year old and her drinking....but We can get through that too. :)

Patty - posted on 05/31/2011

Oh, and about getting a job, she's not old enough to get a job. School is her job for now so that she will be able to provide for him. Her bf will be getting a job when he's able and will contribute financially. He has been by her side from the very beginning and has been here helping care for the baby everyday after school.

Patty - posted on 05/31/2011

I knew I'd get some very judgemental responses, but Bonnie, you take the cake! Is that how you'd treat your child and grandchild? She is in no way getting a "free pass". She is taking responsibility for her actions as is her bf. Many girls run out and get an abortion behind their parents backs or their parents "make" them do it, or they drop out of school. I am pleased that she did not choose either of those options. 2 wrongs don't make a right, and the baby is innocent and doesn't deserve to suffer because of his mother's bad decision.
I remember my teen yrs clearly, and I was very lucky to not have become pregnant. My parents never talked to me about sex or anything else, and I never felt like I could go to them for anything. There was NO communication in my household other that don't do it. I guess they figured if they didn't talk about it, it wouldn't happen.
Bonnie, I'm not sure you read the entire post, but she has free daycare available at her school, which she will use when I'm unable to care for her baby. It is my choice and desire to care for my grandson while she's finishing school, just as I would do for other grandchildren regardless of the age of their mother. I was unable to stay home with my daughters since I was in the military at the time. Her desire to continue with school is the mature, responsible decision, IMO, and I'm proud of the way she's handled everything so far. This school she's attending does not send homework home, because they believe they should be mothers first, and they know how busy they will be caring for a child. Parenting is also a required class. She also gets WIC that pays for formula, food, etc. until the child is 5 yrs old. Her bf's parents have also been supportive.
I in no way consider her or my grandson to be a burden on me! I am appaled at parents who kick their children out or "disown" them for mistakes they make. It boggles my mind. Before this happened, we never had any problems with her. I am happy to care for him when she asks which is not often, usually just to take a shower, nap or cook dinner which she often does for the entire family since I just recently completed 11 mos of chemo treatment 6 wks ago and am still weak.
As far as birth control, she will be getting an IUD at her post-natal appt, and my other daughter is on Depo shots to prevent this from happening again.
Regarding adoption, my husband and I offered to adopt the baby, but that's not what she wants. I was born to a 14 yr old mother whose mother tried to make her abort me twice, but she wanted to keep me. Her mother eventually got her way though because after a couple of yrs, her mother abandoned me and told her I was stolen. I was eventually adopted into a wonderful family. It was just about 10 yrs ago that I found her, and it was very emotional because she had grieved me all those yrs ago and believed me to be dead.
Was I pleased that she was pregnant? Of course not! I was devastated! I've had many months to come to terms with this and to try find the good in this. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and many times we have no control over it. I don't think her life has to be over because she made one bad decision. I don't want her to miss out completely on her teen yrs. We just have to take what's given to us and do the best we can. You really can't know how you would react to any given situation until it happens to you.

Bonnie - posted on 05/31/2011

You want to make adult decisions, you get to live adult consequences.

Jane - posted on 05/31/2011

Having adopted two children I am a great believer in adoption as an alternative. I am glad for you that you look forward to raising yet another child. But in many cases the grandparents cannot step in, the school does not offer free daycare, and the daughter ends up working a menial job instead of graduating from high school.

I know you said your daughter understands how good she has it, but does she really understand? What if she gets pregnant again? What if her sister gets pregnant and expects you to pick up the slack? Who pays for the diapers and formula for this baby? I think she needs to do something that helps shoulder the costs of raising a child.

In addition, as she progresses through high school, even though it is a school specifically for teen parents, she will find that she needs to spend more and more time on her school work to keep up. Mothering a baby and then a toddler will make that very difficult. In fact, our son's birth mother planned to do all of that, but within a week of returning to school after giving birth she and her mother realized that it simply wasn't going to work. Neither one could operate on the amount of sleep they were getting. So they chose to place the child for adoption. 16 years later he is a sophomore in high school.

My daughter had friends in middle school who got pregnant, gave birth and kept the child. They ended up missing out on so many experiences in high school that it was almost tragic. No sports, no cheer leading, no dances, no clubs, just school and baby.

Good luck with it all. You and she are both going to need it.