9 year old boy mouthy, lying HELP

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I have a nine year old boy and I have had him tested. He tests at a 14 year old both intellectually and cognitively. However lately he has started arguing, trying to bargin and also out right lying. He sees a therapist once a week and she has helped a lot, but right now I don't agree with her. The therapist thinks he needs to go to a residental facility untli he can "get along" at home. My Son has mild attachment disorder. I feel that sending him away will only make him feel like more of a failure or like I don't love him. I don't have much information on attachment disorder so any help would be greatly appreciated.
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Ellen - posted on 04/03/2010

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I do not know anything about attachment disorder but I do know a great deal about mouthy lying kids. My daughter, now 19, went thru this at about age 12-14 and my son, now 12, is going thru this. Your 9 year old seems to be on this level given his advanced intelligence. First, I always gave my kids the benefit of the doubt, unless I knew they were lying. If I only suspected they were lying, I would say "I really hope you are telling me the truth" or "you wouldn't lie to me, would you?" Even if they are not telling the truth, I believe this forces them to deal with their own conscience which they have to live with. When I know they are lying, I call them on it and come up with a punishment to fit the circumstance, such as if they are lying about where they were I make sure to always follow up with a parent until I can trust them again or I do not let them out of my sight (such as riding their bike in the neighborhood) until I can trust them again. As for the mouthy, when they would speak to me inappropriately I simply look at them and very sternly respond "do not speak to me like that". I also remind them that I am the boss and they are the child but I am willing to listen to what they have to say if they speak to me appropriately. For the most part I do not make a big issue out of the lying or the mouth because they do grow out of it. I find that if you argue with a child, they will argue back. Give simple but firm expectations. Sometimes kids just need understanding. For example, the other day my son got written up by the bus driver. The driver was a sub and he got written up for not looking at the driver as he crossed in front of the bus. The regular driver does not make him do this so he didn't feel he had to do it for the sub. First I listened to his side of the story. Then I told him I understood his feelings and agreed but explained that an adult told him to do something so he was expected to do it whether he agreed or not and next time I expect him to do what he's told regardless of how silly he thinks it is. It made him feel better that I understood him but he also understood why he was wrong.

GAYLE - posted on 04/02/2010

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Have you tried to look on the net at 'attachment disorder.net' as that site tells you all about it. There may be other sites that will give you a better understanding of the disorder and also how to handle the situation. It may even help you to have a better relationship with your son. Good luck.

Alice - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hi, I teach Special Education and work with students with disabilities from Downs to Autism to VI to Multiple. As for the mouthy part, has the therapist coached you on setting limits? I treat all my students as if they were my own children. I love them so much and want nothing but success for them. At nine, unless he is physically abusive to you, others or self, I would not send him away. I think you are right on with the attachment disorder and creating a more hostile relationship between you two. I am not a therapist, but, what I tell my parents and use at home is that 'if/then'. Basically 'if ______ happens, then ________ will happen.' The if can be the wrong behavior and the then can be the consequence, or the if can be the right behavior and the then can be the reward. I tell my parents to use pictures if they have to (get them on microsoft word clips) or use a dry erase board and fill in the blanks. You can also do tokens for the random praises of whatever you want such as cleaning up or responding to your instructions without the mouthiness or not lying and he earns something or time or activity that he most values. It can be something you have taken away because of his behavior. I would ask to speak with a special ed teacher on your son's campus to pick their brain to get some ideas of hevaior altering or as some would say replacement behavior training. I hope this helps.



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