a moody 13 year old

Erika - posted on 02/25/2010

It's definitely the age of rebellion! And we have to develop different ways of learning how to communicate with our young adults.

Thanks for the post! Peace, Erika

Gail - posted on 02/21/2010

First thing I recommend is a VERY deep breath. Take a bubble bath if it helps. Take care of you. No, I am not crazy. I know you have to actually deal with him, but you have to be in the right frame of mind to do that. That means you are calm and reasonable, tolerant without losing your self respect. This is what you want to model to him as you help him through this. Remember that as frustrating and maybe even scary as this is to you, it is even more so to him.
Physically, at this age there are actual chemical changes that literally can change their mood from moment to moment and it takes time to learn to control that. Each kid has this in differing degrees, which is why you get parents who say "I was never like that!" To them, I say, lucky you!
That said, you still have the right to be treated civilly and it is your job to teach him that skill. The first part is what you model. He will learn more from watching you than from listening to you, so make sure he sees what you want him to learn. Next, what you say IS important. Keep it simple and firm. One thing that has worked at times for me is instead of saying no I (only sometimes!!) say "Yes you can, after you have finished your chores." Or something like that. They need to hear no, but they also need to hear yes. And when they do any little considerate thing, accept it, but show appreciation. A simple "Thank you for remembering to call after school." can go a long way. Good luck!

Claire - posted on 02/20/2010

My 13 yr old daughter has been disrespectful and surly for several years now. Just when I think it cannot get worse, she ups the anti! She will not got to her room or for a walk, will follow me round the house yelling abuse, refuses to lift a finger to help and says she hates me. We take away her computer but as its required for school work thats not always an option. She loses pocket money but shrugs her shoulders and doesn't care. Sometimes I get very upset but I try not to. My 10 yr boy tries to play peace maker but she has used attacking him, both verbally and physically as a weapon against us for a long time. I've tried psychologists and social workers but they say its normal. I was never like this, neither was my husband. Hope it gets better one day.

Elsie - posted on 02/19/2010

OH the mood swings is TERRIBLE my daughter is 14 and had this moods since she was young and now my son of 11 is also pushing it-I talk and warn her and when it is past that stage I also get snotty with her so she can feel how it feels and that is the quickest change of attitude then...not always nice but unfortunly needed....

Peggy - posted on 02/16/2010

The moodiness is normal. Be careful and use taking games and such wisely. You can set limits as to when they can use it, and then take it if they disobey. You will be a "mean" mother and all the other things that describe parents. I sub with jr high kids and have teen and preteen grandkids, I have learned to try not to "over hear" some things they say. If it is out and out defiance or rudeness, I have no choice but to use discipline. I have overheard things at school that I have ignored because it was in the best interest of everyone. I have also sent a kid to the office because of how they responded that could not be ignored. I also pray a lot for wisdom.That probably helps the most. The great thing is MOST of the kids grow up to be wonderful people.

Lori - posted on 02/15/2010

Well I have an 18 and a 14 yr boys..all I can tell you is to take lots of deep breaths, there is no reasoning with them. In part they are trying to find out who they are and what they believe, the other part well.........I dont know lol

Lezlie - posted on 02/15/2010

Heather, I would love to know more about how or what you are trying to reason about. I have a 15 year old that won't reason either and depending on the situation depends on what tatic I use. If he is just being crabby because he has had a bad day I tell him to go to his room or for a walk and when he can be civil then he can speak to me. If he wants something that I can not do or get for him then we go over why he feels he has to have it and my list of why he can't. He may still want it in the end but, I am Mom and in charge not him so, he may have to go off and sulk for a bit but, as soon as he crosses the line and becomes disrespectful then I will punish him.

Please give a bit more details on how or what you are trying to reason with him about so that we can possibly give some better suggestions.

Leanne - posted on 02/15/2010

When my 13 year old son starts to get snarky I tell him that when he is ready to talk to me with respect I will be more then happy to talk with him. I like to remind both my kids (I have a 12 year old girl to) that I do not talk to them that way, so I expect them not to talk to me that way. Sometimes you need to take a few steps back and remember what you were like as a teenager. How did you and your parents deal with it? If you could would you change some things when you were a teen or would you do it the same? Maybe something else is going on and he does not know how to deal with it the right way because he may not have the "tools" yet to deal with bigger problems... he is young. Maybe try compromising with him to work out a plan that you both are happy with. I know as parents we want what is best for our kids hang in there this is just the beginning, you can change the behavior. Our kids are little versions of us there parents.... we are there examples to learn and grow from.

Christina - posted on 02/13/2010

Every kid is different. When my now 20 year old was going through this it was as easy as NO. Everytime she asked for something I was n and becasue you treated me like crap. She started oly being good when she wanted things and then It progressively got better. My 15 year old is still going through this nothing has worked yet we stil try. As for boys.Is there a man in your life my husband will grab my son by the arm and sayy you don't talk to your mother that way. He also see's how I treat my parents and how my husband treats his. Hope this helps

Michelle - posted on 02/13/2010

I have the most outrageous relationship with my teenage son, he is six foot two and I am five foot four so as you can imagine he towers over me, I found this intimidating and I was always backing down just by pure size alone, then I decided I am his mum and he needs my strength and detemination not my size.
When he yelled I stood my ground and said thats not very nice, when he stood over me I stood on a chair, when he raised his eye brow and rolled his eyes I raised mine more and when he said WHY thats not fair I said cause I am your mother not your friend and I love you.
We laugh together, get mad at each other he says Im annoying and I tell him he's messy and not house proud, but at the end of the day he leans over to kiss my cheek to say goodnight and I say love ya mate see ya in the morning to do it all over again.

so I guess first ingrediant is love, then confidence that I know the rules and why, keep up the humour and stand your ground.

Good luck

Allie - posted on 02/12/2010

my daughter is 12 yrs old she will be 13 in a few months and has started the attitude already. We make sure she stops right away we do not allow her to carry on. We tell her that is being disrespectful and she gets her cell phone away and her laptop. She also has to appologize for her attitude and she will learn to speak to us properly.

Jane - posted on 02/12/2010

Well, 13 is the age when my kids (daughter is now 20, son is now 16) were really starting to assert their independence, became snotty, knew it all, etc. I don't know if you can search by my comments that I've made on other posts but there is one that will work....it talks about giving the kids a "Class of Living" lesson which can be adapted to grades, attitude, etc. Look for it and if you can't find it, let me know and I'll find it and post it for you. It's almost a guaranteed way to get your kid to behave in the manner that you want.

Sally-Ann - posted on 02/12/2010

Hi Heather. I hate to say this but I don't think you do. I've got a 13yr old (he will be 14 in April-thats if he makes it??) & it seems to be getting harder all the while. It came to head yesterday when I actually unplugged his Xbox & took it to my parents so he couldn't have it because of the mood swings & the attitude I constantly get (this is his pride & joy-the xbox). I find it hard because I also have a 3 1/2yr old who picks up on his attitude. I've been told by my health visitor this is all normal teenage stuff---oh great!!!! & as long as school doesn't suffer-which it hasn't yet in our household- I think we have to just ride it out.....Good luck!! Sally