about my 16 year old and my 12 year old girls

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

If your kids don't like your new sweetheart, look into why. Sometimes other people can see things in you that you don't see in yourself. It may be that they think he's an abuser. Pay attention, they may be wrong, but listen and act accordingly. Do not leave him alone with your children unti that conversation takes place.
Go back to school, teach your kids to make dinner cooperatively. If they refuse, they don't get dinner that night, they can scare up a bowl of cereal. Don't expect gourmet meals from them, but they'll need to learn to cook no matter what, now is a good time to teach them. I tell my daughter she can learn to cook or learn to starve.

Melissa - posted on 03/01/2010

Do u know what tough love is??? you need to learn that for them kids and go back to the basics of child rearing. Give them not what they want but what they need and respectfully earned.

Jo-Ann - posted on 03/01/2010

wow Joann, you do seem to have your hands full! it's tough to decide even where to start and you seem totally overwhelmed. i guess the first thing you should think about is how you treat and value yourself! it's hard to gain respect when you don't value yourself. Sounds like your younger daughter is imitating her sister's behavior? When did the disrespect start and what was your initial response to it - how have you handled it and what aproaches have you tried? I can recommend a few EXCELLENT books with behavior strategies that absolutely do work, (one in particular that I have used in a variety of home-based behavior mod programs) but you will have to value yourself enough to commit to the process and demand what you deserve. that said, if you don't beleve you deserve to be valued, loved and respected no amount of behavior modification will have a lasting result. I hope this starts you thinking and will be happy to keep the conversation going... All the best to you.

Kari - posted on 03/01/2010

all kids tell their parents that at some point. and there are some bad parents out there. BUT if you know you are doing your best, dont let this get to you. you need more respect. there is no easy fix. when they are disrespectful, tell them how it makes you feel. let them know that their attitudes are not acceptable. If your child has a valid reason for their feelings, talk it out with them. on the other hand, if you were worthless, how has she survived to 16?? dont let her make you secondguess yourself.
until she has walked a mile in your shoes she will not understand. and let your 16 year old know how she is affecting your 12 year old. as far as your new guy goes...
if he is a good and decent man, tell your kids to back off. if they have real concerns about him, listen to them, and help them understand why you like him. as far as going back to college... go for it. your kids should be proud of you for trying to better yourself and all of your lives. being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have, but the most rewarding to. 5 years is a lot of time to let them put you down and disrespect you. something must change to get you guys back on track. put your foot down, and tell them until they can show you a bit of respect, they get no privledges. and then stick to it. but there has to be a balance. if they act nicer, plan a girls day, or a sleepover, or whatever works in your home. checks and balances. let them know that their attitudes determine their fate. it is in their hands. and be calm about it. nothing irrates a child more than you being calm when they are not. set rules, make them known, tell them the consequenses and tell them that they can make different rules when they are the parent. set aside some time just for yourself, so you can keep your sanity. you will get through this. do something nice for yourself. and when the girls ask why, tell them that since they cant seem to be nice to you, you will be nice to yourself. and keep your chin up, when they have kids of their own, the will realize its not so easy. respect yourself, and be kind to you.

Patricia - posted on 02/28/2010

Teenagers today have very little respect for anybody but themselves and their friends...I for one know that if I disrespected or talked back to my parents, I would be wearing dentures today...if your daughter doesn't want to live with you any more, than allow her to go live with her father..however, remind her that once she is out, there is no coming back...it's a decision that she will have to live with..maybe once she is out, your other child's behavior will change...as for you going back to school, nobody should ever cut anybody down for trying to better their life....When I got my divorce, my eldest son was twelve...he told the new guy in my life he didn't like him...for four years, this man never stopped saying good morning etc...until one day, my son saw the light and now the two of them are more like father and son than with his own father...it was a long four years, but the payoff was well worth it...as parents, when we divorce, we forget that our children go through emotions of their own that need to be addressed...have you ever sat your children down without bad mouthing their father to explain to them your actions? Trust when you do that, you will find that you will have opened up a wonderful line of communication with your kids..

Amy - posted on 02/28/2010

Well, reading what you wrote gave me a weird feeling of peace-a RARE feeling! I, too, have a 12 and 16 year old and have identical problems with them. Recently I realized that they are extreemly disrespectful and rude to me. When I tried to talk about it, I was "crazy, just being mad, in a bad mood, and an aray of bad names (behind my back but loud enough for me to hear)". I started really loosing it-screaming and yelling, throwing things, really getting angry. And can I just tell you, that gives them more ammo. "See, you ARE mad, crazy,etc." They are really thinking that because I've never corrected them for how they talk to me or each other before. Now that I am aware of it, I feel like every single word every single day is said in a nasty tone or just rude. BUT I THINK I FOUND MY EDGE: First and most important no matter WHAT!: STAY calm. It's hard at first, but it's getting easier. It takes any blame of wrongdoing from you, and it makes them 1) really irritated and 2) know you are serious. The second thing I discovered REALLY works for us, is my girls cannot stand to be embarrassed-especially in public and especially my 16 yr old. SO...whenever she tells me to $*&( off, or any form of disrespect I calmly make a mental note, smile and walk away. Then I wait til later in the day when we are out in public, and I will say something loud in front of a crowd to make her feel, as I tell her, just as embarrassed and humiliated as she made me feel earlier. I've only had to do this 2ce! Last night, she was rude to my friend, so her and I went to the store. I've never heard the girl appologize so many times and then to my friend when we got home! She is an extreemly stuborn girl and I wouldve never thought this would work! My 12 yr old-uh not so much. I have never spanked my kids (big suprise on why they act up!), but the past 3 weeks I have taken to spankings with her. Didn't work, neither did taking everything away, etc. 3 nights ago I went (not angry-don't do it while mad!) and got the belt. I have to admit I barely made contact BUT it got her attention. I have not had a disrespectful word from the little princess since! I'm realizing they both needed to know I am serious, I WILL follow through, and I DID take the Mom role back. STICK TO YOUR GUNS, DON'T GET ANGRY, AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THREATS! Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 02/28/2010

you know what my 13 year old daughter is to herself which is expected and she knows every thing and i seem not to be able to remind her enough that life is full of worse unfairness than what she is in training for with me. I have been a single mom for 13 years and the hardships get the best of us however.....in all honesty tough it up suck it up and remember we are here in this life to provide for them not make them 100% happy. Everyone says tough love....well love sometimes is hard to mustard up when you got disrespect crawling all over ya. So back it up with some harsh measurements. My daughter got mad because i began to shut my door, then she got mad because i locked it, so i installed a dead bolt with a one way key which i have the only copy to, and she got her door taken off the hinges. Sometimes a little creative non-judgemental actions completed in a calm manner with little to no words spoken during your task of punishment will scare them back into the angels we want them to be, knew them to be, however with a more teenage way of looking and reacting. Meaning they are for once SHOCKED, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY SPEECHLESS. And every kid wants a door on their room, or clothes to wear they picked out not mom, you know its our actions at this time in their life that will influence them the most. Words are like the air they breathe in one way and it comes out another way. Now mom, think about why they do not like the new guy, calmly talk to them, come to a conclusion, express it calmly in a total family meeting, or be creative write each of them a letter of expression. Sometimes writting it down can give you a clear head to express yourself in a more positive manner....make a copy of the letters and use them for little reminders until they see what you really love about him. You know we are women and made to protect our terriority therefore as our young ones become more in tune with what they think is a woman or adulthood they are going to become the overtaker so they think. Be strong, hold your chin up high, breathe deep, do not yell or raise your voice, sit down asap, in one sentence give them a direct order with sterness, so say....each of you to your room now and i will come to you shortly and discuss this one on one. Now, this room order means you to, talk it out among yourself and your man if he is good with that. Then face each off them for a short period of time....no more than fifteen minutes for me or i become agitated so i have to sometimes come back but i always say love is in the air, i feel angry again see you shortly......remember when you go to your room they should be in theirs. Now this golden rule as I call it is really for me the time out i need to even shed some tears....never let them see you cry and when you talk to them smile on the inside even though its hard and you will find that it calms you down brings your voice to a tone thats not so defensive. I know its a lot to deal with and I have written a book but if I can talk out ideas I love to and so i took my first chance to express myself with you. Your story hits home and my heart goes out to you. They are young at heart, grown in the brain, but still need our guiding hands. May you find some things I have said to work or make sense and GOOD LUCK.



p.s. they need to know that when mom is happy the house is a home filled with happiness. Stick to your guns, any sign of weakness they get their easy buttons out and use it against us.



Have a great day, week, weekend!!!



Jenn