Am I being unfair with my 19 year old daughter?

Pat - posted on 08/15/2012 ( 38 moms have responded )

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I have a daughter that's 19 years old. I had her when I was in my 40s, so there's a big difference in age between us. She's an excellent student, she goes to one of the best private colleges, she's very intelligent, she doesn't go out without permission, she has never been on the "wrong path," she doesn't drink or do any drugs, and I've never had a problem with her school, or with anything else. Even though this all sounds wonderful, she doesn't take criticism from me very well, she doesn't like when I yell at her to, for example, clean her room, and she talks back whenever she considers "I'm wrong." Considering the mother that I am, I don't think I deserve the amount of attitude I receive from her. Now the problem is, last night we got into a fight and I told her she was the worse daughter ever, I called her very ugly things and she's very upset at me. Do you think I'm being too unfair with her, considering the fact that I've never had a problem with her, just her strong temper/attitude. What should I do?

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Janiene - posted on 08/16/2012

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She sounds like she is "Right on Time" to begin to pull away from you, which is healthy. This means testing th relationship that she has with you. She is under alot of pressure, both with home and with her peers, as well as,with her future dreams, so it makes since that she is moody. If she changes drastically, watch out, this may mean she has started to rebel and what once was a compliant daughter, may become the opposite. My best advice for you would be to get yourself a friend so that you could vent with her instead of at your daughter. Name calling is not easily forgotten. Right now she needs a mother that listens, but does not scold. She is an adult now and deserves to be treated as one. If you continue to scold her, you will drive her away. Be kind to yourself and excercise , take care of your needs and let her grow up. Your job as a caregiver is over and now you can become an advisor as she needs help. I hope that this helps you.

Bobbie - posted on 08/18/2012

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Words can hurt worse than fists. Just reading how you called her very ugly things made me cringe. How sad that you resort so quickly to hurting her feelings when she doesn't do what you want her to do. To look at this issue from a different view I would say. You are lucky that your daughter does well at school, hasn't gone off path or drink EVEN THOUGH she has a mother that tears down her self esteem, calls her ugly names and saiys that she is the worst daughter ever.
You see, her behavior isn't about you. She isn't a good person because you yell at her and criticize. At age 19 she doesn't require yelling at to do things. She is no longer a child. Apparently you feel it is okay to belittle the person who looks to you for acceptance, affection and love. My mother was just awful to me. She thought she had done such a wonderful job and prided herself on how I turned out. In fact I feel I turned out well in spite of her. She tore me down verbally. She had something hurtful or negative to say constantly, doing it so much that it was a habit that she didn't realize. I did my best to please her and felt I was never good enough.
It doesn't matter how you feel about your daughter, it matters how you make her feel.
And to answer your question, YES, you are being very unfair, as well as cruel.

Lisa - posted on 08/23/2012

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Btw. I too have lost it and said mean things... Frustration can get you real down but show her you are proud of her and feel blessed to have her as your daughter. Being a mom is hard.

Susan - posted on 08/20/2012

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Apologize immediately! She is (actually always was) entitled her own opinions. Unless you want to lose her you need to talk to her about how you are feeling. I am pretty sure that if we had a post from her she'd being saying something like, Considering the daughter I've been I don't think I deserve the attitude and criticism I get. I am sure you only want the best for her, trying to give good advice, and didn't mean the things you said but those hurtful words coming from you of all people were even more hurtful. I have 2 daughters, one just turned 18 and the other will be 18 soon. We have gone through many arguments where we've said things we didn't mean. Our relationship has only survived because we can admit, and talk about, what we did/said as being wrong and hurtful. The talks don't always start out nice and calm but if you stick it out, really listen to what is being said, and realize you are both acting out of fear (whether you consciously know it or not) the talk can turn into a great bonding moment.

I have learned that unless they ask me for my advice, I am better off not giving it. They almost always ask now, where as before they wouldn't even talk in front of me.

I hope this helps.

Jennifer - posted on 08/18/2012

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I think maybe I am not understanding your wording Pat. Do you actually yell at her? Or do you talk to her sternly with disapproval? If you are yelling at her then you are in the wrong and that is why you are getting hostility and anger from her. She will not take criticism from you if you are doing it in a way that belittles her or hurts her. Nobody would take that well. My 18 year old and I have great communication and the reason is because I never yell or belittle him. If he is running something past me that I don't agree with, I talk to him with respect like I would anyone else in my life I disagreed with. I would tell him my rationale and always use "I" statements. Such as "I personally would not choose to do that because..." and then "However, if you choose to do that you might expect this to happen and should be aware of.." That is one example I word things. I ALWAYS use a calm voice and if I feel I have anger around something he has done I remove myself from the situation for a bit, calm down and try again. I have only raised my voice at him a couple times in his life and both times I have apologized and told him I was wrong for the way I chose to engage him. He does the same thing to me. If he gets frustrated or snappy I just say "I love you but I will not have this conversation as our emotions are running high right now, let's try again when things calm down". He has always come back and apologized of his own accord. Please don't yell at your daughter or break her spirit by calling her names. Go right now and hug her, tell her how sorry you are and ask for her forgiveness. Kids have a strong temper/attitude because their parents do. Teach her how to manage it and learn to manage yours. I say this from the heart Pat, not at all out of judgment. We have all made mistakes as parents because we love our kids and want them to be the best they can be. You have an awesome daughter! Make sure to tell her how proud you are of her.

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Andrea - posted on 08/20/2014

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Im 19 and when my mom calls me names, it hurts, A LOT. It makes me hate her a little bit. If my mom ever told me I was the worst daughter ever, i probably would have ran away. Being told that would just break my heart and feel like Im not loved by mom. Dont do that. EVER. Thats just plain mean, considering she's a great kid. Im a rebllious girl and my mom has never told me that.

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I think that unfair is a harsh word. I would rather say that you two have problems communicating. When angry, people say things they don't really mean. If I were you, I would examine your relationship with your daughter and find out what the real problem is. You say you have the "perfect daughter" in the sense that she has never done anything wrong... At least in your eyes. But that she takes criticism badly? I think she may be suffering from being expected to be perfect and the slightest sign of failure i.e. criticism to her says that you don't love her. This is reinforced by you calling her the worst daughter ever and other ugly things.



Rather work on letting your child discover who she is, by herself than try to tell her what to do. Have you ever considered that at times you may be wrong? Parents can be wrong. And about her room, I don't see why she should have to keep it clean if she doesn't want to. If you really want her to clean her room then tell her "Honey, I've hidden your pocket money somewhere in your room. Go clean it to find it."That always worked on me when I was a kid.



You should be proud of having a child with a strong temper and attitude. That shows that she can handle her own should a situation arise of someone trying to convince her to do something she doesn't want to do. Its a trait that should be encouraged. I would suggest teaching her to be assertive rather than aggressive though.



But first things first, APOLOGIZE! You were WRONG to call her horrible names, no matter what she did or didn't do. If you admit to being wrong, I guarantee your channels of communication will open up and she will respect you more for being able to admit it.

Kim - posted on 09/26/2012

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You are lucky your daughter is doing well in school and seems to want to further her education. The room would and does get under my skin. If your daughter is showing you she cares about her grades and future and is respectful to you. Then I would let the room go. I would clean it myselfjust to keep myself from bei g frustrated. I have a 19 year old myself this is what we deal wit h. Not doing well 11 th 12 th grades in high school. Sent her freshman year to college. Party party's was what we got in grades academic warning but left after first semester for boy friend. Sent her to community college second semester to only pass one class. Our dayghter is all about herself. She wants what she wants and now. I have stopped aiding her I have give in many times just to be dumped on again and again. She is very disrespectful and want do any chores around house nor clean up after herself we can't talk to her cause it always turns into a shouting match and her being a victim of me her mom fussing at her about everything. There is much more but I feel I have failed as a parent and person because I'm not worthy of the truth nor respect. My husband feels the same but her has that soft spot that he breaks and gives in.

Kim - posted on 09/26/2012

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You are lucky your daughter is doing well in school and seems to want to further her education. The room would and does get under my skin. If your daughter is showing you she cares about her grades and future and is respectful to you. Then I would let the room go. I would clean it myselfjust to keep myself from bei g frustrated. I have a 19 year old myself this is what we deal wit h. Not doing well 11 th 12 th grades in high school. Sent her freshman year to college. Party party's was what we got in grades academic warning but left after first semester for boy friend. Sent her to community college second semester to only pass one class. Our dayghter is all about herself. She wants what she wants and now. I have stopped aiding her I have give in many times just to be dumped on again and again. She is very disrespectful and want do any chores around house nor clean up after herself we can't talk to her cause it always turns into a shouting match and her being a victim of me her mom fussing at her about everything. There is much more but I feel I have failed as a parent and person because I'm not worthy of the truth nor respect. My husband feels the same but her has that soft spot that he breaks and gives in.

Heather - posted on 09/22/2012

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Your daughter is an adult, treat her like an adult. When I turned 18 is when my mom started to treat me like an adult. I respect my mom and she respects me. Support your daughter and help her become the women she wants to be, not the women you think she needs to be. She may surprise you and help you be the mother, and woman you want to be. I have helped my mom though tough times for her and she has helped me though my tough times. You do not have to agree with her choices, but you should support her in whatever choices she makes.

Ramona - posted on 09/20/2012

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She is 19, she can clean up her room or leave. I have an 18 year old, who is away at school, but she knows there are standards at home and she is expected to keep things at a certain level. We told her if you don't like it, leave. As to yelling, is it working? Probably not that well, I can yell too, but it really does no good.

Jessie - posted on 09/20/2012

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She's nineteen legally an adult. If she can't follow the rule tell her it's time to move out and support herself... as parent you should not be calling names and such nonsense you should be acting like a grown up.

Jessica - posted on 09/17/2012

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If I were you I would make her clean her room, explain to her you dont want to live with rats, mice, roaches, and so many thing that you could have in your home by one messy room. Look up on line and causes of a messy room and even look up the cause of negative comments when both of you make them and show her. You said she was smart show her the facts and if she is as smart as you say she is, she will understand and hopefully go along with what you say. Its the age she want to do her own thing but she isn't on her own so she should respect what you ask her defiantly when its as simple as picking up.

Dianne - posted on 09/11/2012

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My daughter is 13 and she sounds similar to your daughter - whereas her grades is perfect and she is on the straight and narrow {right path}.

She also is laxy dazy with her room but you know what it is their private sanctuary so maybe you should give a little leeway in that department.

As my daughter says "don't sweat the small stuff".

Don't be mean to your daughter to get your way - they are going through so much stuff already.

Explain to her in a nice way why you feel the way you do and you will probably see that she will get to her room without your controlling - you are making it into a chore and teenagers hate chores.

You need to ask forgiveness for the ugly things you have said - because she does not deserve that attitude from you either......

Tracy - posted on 09/09/2012

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You really told her she was the worst daughter ever? I'll let you come meet my step-daughter who is 22 and just got out of jail...again... just so she could get engaged to her boyfriend who was ALSO on parole. She's prostituted herself out and has drug problems. WITH ALL LOVE, I MEAN IT - SUCK IT UP SWEETIE! SHE'S A GREAT KID! *******TELL HER SO!!!!!!!!!!!****** *hugs* make it right with her...

Mary - posted on 09/05/2012

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Completely unfair. She is human. She is not perfect. Allow her to be messy in her room ... weigh it out. Apologize from the bottom of your heart and ask her to forgive you. Tell her that she is such an awesome daughter and how proud you are of her and while you cannot take the words back, you were absolutely wrong to have chosen to state them as they are both hurtful and untrue!



She is such a hardworker, but is human. Let her be messy, better than messing up her life!

Sally - posted on 09/05/2012

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@pat.

Do you think that maybe this is because you really don't want(as you see her) your little girl growing up, your losing control as she grows. Be very proud of the young woman you have rasied.letting go of the mummy roll is so very hard, I know . My daughter is 30 but believe me if you do your relationship will grow and become closer. I still get times when I'm told to back of,not often. You are now in a new,exciting cycle of your daughters life. Enjoy it. X

Laura - posted on 09/05/2012

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You may be a bit of a control freak. She is your daughter and she lives in your home. I get that. Respect her space. Unless her room is a health code violation, shut the door. Be thankful for the great things she has and continues to accomplish and praise her for them. Tell her everyday how proud you are of her and how much you love her. She is not perfect, neither are you and life is too short to waste the precious time you have together on petty bickering.

Louise - posted on 08/30/2012

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Speaking as a mother of a 17 year old who has rebelled, lied to me I think you have been a little unfair. I see where you are coming from saying that you don't think you deserve it, you probably don't but she is an adult now and asserting her independence. As far as she sees it she's done what you asked, done well at school/college, behaved well etc and is getting no respect or thanks for it from her mother. It IS hard I know, I struggle to look past my daughter's misdemenours and praise her for what she does good only to feel so angry and betrayed when the following week she lies to me about something. Just try not to shout and scream so much and say well done for what she does do right and hopefully it will be a nicer situation all round.

Tah - posted on 08/29/2012

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I think that she has every right to be hurt if you are calling her "ugly things", especially if she isn't a problem. If she is giving attitude, you may feel she is acting like these ugly names, but to say them is mean and hurtful. I think you blessed to have a daughter who only gives attitude, she is 9 which is a confusing in between where you want to assert your independence but still need help, esp if you are in college. If you feel she is being ungrateful, cut back on some of whatever you are doing for her...but don't wound her by calling names, that is unfair.

Rae - posted on 08/27/2012

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I know just how yoinu are feeling. I am married and have a 20yr old. daughter living at college. My husband insists on paying her rent, college & college exspenses. She and I have and the same battles when she lived at home...we had the same deal....she lived here only because she could do so free-responsiblility wise and money wise. Now we pay for rent for her to have drinking partys and her boyfriend to stay over night. While I live in a house that is very close to being in worse shape than a cardboard box. Holes and rotten wood.



One day we got into a hugh fight and I told her she was acting like a bitch and very disrespectful of me. She couldn't even make her bed. She turned it around and now says I called her a bitch and has told me "f**k you. " As far as I am concerned she needs to be completely responsible for herself until she grows up and learns to treat me with respect. Unfortunetly her dad disagrees and still continues to buy her love and doesn't see how he has paid her to treat me like crap. I spend hours, days after day being the third wheel.



I love her to death but I can not allow her to pull her crap between her dad and I. It has torn our marriage apart. I have just decided that those two can go ahead and do as they are doing because nothing I have tried works. They refuse to go to counciling as they know they would have to admit they are also part of the problem not just me. They use the fact that I am 50 and going through lifes change as the excuse to put it all on me. My husband is 10 yrs older than I and someday he will go to his grave knowing how he has taught his daughter to treat his mom. I will continue to live in the same house, build my home base grooming business and make life for myself because no one else will.



Just do the best you can for yourself. No one knows better than yourself what kind of respect you need or are intitled to. When you respect yourself, you will find you do the same for those around you without an effort. It they can't do the same for you then you have to take care of yourself.



Hang in there!



Rae

Pat - posted on 08/26/2012

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It is your house and you do have the right to set whatever rules you want and she is an adult and therefore should be treated as one. As adults we have consequences. If we speed we get a ticket. If we don't keep up our lawn we can get a fine. If she is living in your house free of charge then she should be helping with the household chores and if your expect her room to be clean then it should be. In our house the mess goes out in the backyard and they have to use he laundromat to wash their clothes. You could charge her rent and still expect her to help clean the house because that would be the case in any roommate situation. When they get to that age yelling just won't work but consequences will. They need to be treated with respect when it is deserved but that goes both ways, you will only get respect if it is deserved but one way or the other we are all stuck with the consequences of our actions.



Someone on FB posted what might be the singularly best parenting tip I have ever seen. When the kids chores were done then and only then they got the password for the internet.



Pat

Beth - posted on 08/26/2012

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Yes, you need to sit down and apologize to her for the nasty things you said. But, she is 19, and living in your house, so she also needs to follow your rules. If she lived in a dorm or apartment, or a house that she rented, there would be a list of things she would be allowed/not allowed to do, and it's time she realizes that.

Lisa - posted on 08/23/2012

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Btw. I too have lost it and said mean things... Frustration can get you real down but show her you are proud of her and feel blessed to have her as your daughter. Being a mom is hard.

Lisa - posted on 08/23/2012

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Never belittle them or say they are the worst child ever. Sounds like she as been a good kid and as 19 she thinks she is an adult. Explain to her your frustration of her talking sas to you and tell her if she wants to be that way, there is the door. Apologies for calling her ugly things. Words can be very powerful and never leave. Life is short. Just be sturn on my house my rules, respect each other.

Feel blessed she does not do drugs or drink alcohol. That's rare these days. My oldest has been in jail several times. All I do is worry. If all he did was sas me sometimes, I would feel relieved. Ha

Sally - posted on 08/21/2012

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Yelling at her hasn't worked in 19 years and you're still doing it. Is it possible that she only knows yelling and talking back because that's all she ever heard from you? Whether she acts like one at any given moment or not, she's an adult. You had your chance to raise her, you did the best you could, if she didn't turn out as perfect as you would like, you have to suck it up or kick her out. If she doesn't like your rules, perhaps she'd be happier on her own anyway (or she might learn why you have those rules).
Talk to her like a rational adult to a rational adult instead of yelling like a frustrated mommy to an obnoxious little kid. Politely explain what you expect of her while she lives with you and take any polite feedback she gives in return. If you can come to a compromise (personally, I think a dirty room is a small price to pay for all the good things you said about her, but I don't know all of your situation), live with it like grown ups. If not, help her find her own place and wish her well on her own.
Good luck

LMozo - posted on 08/20/2012

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You have it made with her if all she does is mouth off every now or then. Apologize to her for saying mean things, but tell her how you feel, tell her that she is an awesome kid and try to rephrase how you talk to her. I'm not saying you are at fault, because it really does start with mouthing off and then what next. However, I would give anything to have a kid that is as good as yours. Come to think of it, don't take my advice from me because I have two kids that are astranged from us. One 24 and the other 17. You are doing a great job!

Francine - posted on 08/17/2012

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You seem to have a pretty level headed daughter so my opinion would be to pick your battles with her, a messy room does not consist of having a fight over it. Talking back is par for the course of having teenagers, I know my oldest son just turned 20. Be thankful she has a strong attitude because it will take her far in life.

Coleen - posted on 08/16/2012

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I think you are very unfair!! She is 19 years old and pretty much does what she is told or expected. You want to say your problem with her is she doesn't take YOUR criticism well and talks back like every other teenager in the world and believes everyone is wrong except them. SO you said some very unforgivable things to her because she has the problem???? I think you have the problem lady and maybe you are the worse mother ever, Considering the type of mother you are I'm surprised you have a daughter that spends one second with you. You seem to treat your daughter with disrepect but expect it from her for you???? you get what you give in this world. And I think you should look in the mirror fix yourself and what your lacking before you go and say sorry to your daughter for your behavior because how can you expect something from her that you don't give?? ask for fogiveness and ask to start again...you will be lucky if she gives it. Then really try and see things from her 19 year old point of view...you seem to not appreciate all that she does do right and pick on the wrong?? Look in the mirror !!!!!!

Michelle - posted on 08/16/2012

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you need to have a family meeting and discuss how people are to be treated in your home. Start off by praising her for the things she is doing well and say how proud you are then explain how you feel when the attitude happens.

Angie - posted on 08/16/2012

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Good to hear Pat...I think it's as hard for us parents to adjust to adult children as it is for them to adjust to being adults, not kids, and being open to listening and taking suggestions are very good parent positives :)

Pat - posted on 08/16/2012

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I guess I need to re-evaluate the situation with my daughter. Thank you for your opinions and suggestions.

Sally - posted on 08/16/2012

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You are so lucky to have the daughter you do. Shes an adult ,her room should be her private place to be as she wishes. If its not a health risk ,leave it. You sound like you have raised a good girl. Please don't lose her for something as silly as a bedroom. Say sorry for the things you said and move on. Giving respect gains respect

Angie - posted on 08/16/2012

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I don't think anybody likes criticism; however, I think it's all about how you say it. I don't think it's unfair to expect her to keep her room clean to your standards; however, telling her she's the worst daughter ever and calling her "ugly things"....I'm sorry, but that's hurtful, completely unfair, very childish and immature in your role as a parent. Don't get mad if she calls you the worst mother ever...because where did she learn it from?

My 20yo son lives at home and he is expected to keep his room clean. Once he said I've just been too busy; I said that's ok, I understand, I can take care of it this weekend for you....I'll leave my cleaning bill on your dresser. Amazing how he found the time in his busy schedule to get it cleaned. We do not resort to name calling and put-downs in my house...that is unacceptable!

I think you owe your daughter an apology for speaking that way to her, then I think you need to figure out how to communicate without yelling because it sounds like you have a great girl going down a great path, but she will learn to communicate from how you communicate and there are much better ways than how you have been handling it....Good luck to you!

Amy - posted on 08/16/2012

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She's 19 stop yelling at her!!! It's clearly not working so I suggest you find another way to communicate. As far as her accepting critisism from you how do you want her to respond?? I'm 32 years old and I still don't like to here critisism but if it's coming from my parents I shut them out. So I still stick with my original statement you aren't being fair. It sounds to me like you need to take a communications class because yelling at someone gets nothing accomplished!

Pat - posted on 08/16/2012

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I probably wasn't all that clear. I receive attitude from her if I yell at her, and she talks back to me when I try to criticize her or again, yell at her for something I didn't like of her. Am I still being unfair?

Amy - posted on 08/15/2012

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Yes you are being completely unfair, if your biggest issue is her room being clean then you should be greatful. At 19 I was living on campus I didn't ask my "parents permission" for anything and your daughter shouldn't have to either, she's an adult. Since you are the one that said the hurtful things I suggest you apologize and try to mend your relationship.

All teenagers go through a phase where they back talk and think their parents know nothing. In 5 years she'll appreciate you again. And ps it sounds like she got her strong will temper and attitude from you :)

Chaya - posted on 08/15/2012

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She's an adult, she shouldn't need your permission to leave her room a mess.
Yes, you are being unfair, you don't need to be involved in her life as much as you did two years ago and longer. Let her live life for herself.

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