am I doing the right thing?

Barbara - posted on 12/17/2009

Stick to your guns! You are doing what is right for you kids. Make sure your parents know that you love them and that by accepting your sister, they are accepting her additiction and that is NEVER right. They are enabling her bad behavior. Seek legal assistance to help your 3 yr old neice or nephew.

Becky - posted on 12/09/2009

Quoting Colene/Tommi:

I agree with seeking out support from Alanon - and would recommend you talk to your mother about trying it as well. They can help you draw the lines and hold to them and maybe even find a compromise which works for all of you (because i have found it isn't ALWAYS necessary to completely cut off the addict, it is just necessary to draw the lines, hold to them, etc. that doesn't ENABLE them).

Things like:

I cannot have you in my home, because you have stolen from me in the past - so i no longer trust you with my possessions.

I cannot have my children around you, because you have been noticeably high around them and I will not allow them to feel I condone that sort of behaviour and set that poor example for them.

I cannot give you money, or other things of value because you use those to support your habit.

I will not make excuses for your behaviour, these are your choices and you need to face the consequences of those choices.

and on the more positive side:


I will always be your sister and love you - and hurt when you hurt yourself and all the others who love and care about you.
I will help you find a program to get clean when you are ready to do that.
I will help you get to that program.

I love the way you responded to this question. You gave some really concrete advice and addressed both sides of the issue.

Colleen - posted on 12/08/2009

"but please all understand that it is the addiction that is the enemy not the addicted for they are the ones lost."



Rediculous. An addiction starts the first time a person indulges in a substance or activity that they know is not good for them. They stay there when they refuse all help available to get out of it. The people that protect them by telling them it is not their fault enable them to remain in their destructive lifestyle.



I understand that an addict resorts to substances and activities that are unwise becuase of an element of depression, grief, and or/ having given up on themselves - BUT - I have NEVER seen anyone I have loved who remained in an addictive lifestyle NOT recieve outstretched hand after outstretched hand from people who truley love them and want to help them. ALL have been refused.



They are not lost - they have made a decision to remain in their present state - yes perhaps because of depression - but still - IT IS THIER CHOICE.



An addicted person will not get well until THEY decide that they are the only ones that can help themselves. Trying to perpetuate the myth that they are somehow unwilling and ignorant victims of the addiction removes the power they have to effect thier own life. It ASSURES they will remain addicted.



I know this through my own personal strugless - and only when I relaized that the people who distanced themselves from me only did so AFTER many attempts to help - I reached out to them to finally accept the help they had offered all along. I wasnt LOST I was STUBBORN. Only when I sucked it up, stopped feeling sorry for myself, and did something to help myself did I begin to mend my life.

Ginger - posted on 12/08/2009

I'm sorry about the turmoil that this decission has caused you but you are doing the right thing. Your parents will come around. Let your parents and sister know that you love them but this is about your family and what is best for your children which is your responsibility. Also let your sister know that when she decides to go for help you'll be there for her and her child 100%

Becky - posted on 12/08/2009

Cindy;
As I read this my heart breaks. I am a recovering drug addict(10yrs sober) and to read the responses you have gotten scare me. I have dealt with addiction from both sides....helping the addict heal and get clean to being the addict myself and struggling every day with the decisions I made. The only thing I can tell you is that turning your back does not make it go away....being a mom I totaly understand your fear for your children and her child as well.First and foremost you need to understand that there is a major difference to loveing the addict and inforcing the addiction. Throughout the years I have seen many addicts turn deeper into thier addiction simply because they feel it doesn't matter. As well as being impowered by those around them. And hun...there is a difference........but as not to offend any one I will stop here and give you and everyone else the choice to contact me if you would like to hear and understand more.....of how to help, cope with or just to talk.......but please all understand that it is the addiction that is the enemy not the addicted for they are the ones lost.

Laura - posted on 12/08/2009

Dear Cindy,I am shocked at some,not all of the responses you've received.
If your own child was on drugs....What would you do?Would you do what you could to be a responsible parent and "Help them?"OR....would you just turn your back on them and say....oooopsy sorry but you don't fit into my perfect world! Mothers of this century have much better and more effective resources to "Help" their children then the woman of yesteryear like form my Mom's generation.Completely different.Wake up ladies!!! Or you may find yourselves in this "same situation"

Laura - posted on 12/08/2009

At the end of your letter you wrote that your looking for A BIAS OPINION?Did you mean Non Bias? Here's a response for you...but it's "NON BIAS!"
Based on the letter you wrote....It will NOT be what "YOU want to hear!"
1) It sounds to me that you will only embrace your sister when (and if) she fits into "your perception of what family & life style are".That's your first mistake!
2)While it may be instinct,for you to feel the need to protect your children you are setting a negative example and message.Your message is not one of "Unconditional Love!"Although this is a sad and unfortunate circumstance with your sister, What a golden opportunity for you to teach your children.Some very important lessons..
Abusing Drugs are bad,Abusing Drugs can cause pain to those around you & the people you Love,especially family and friends.One day wouldn't you want your own children to come to you?To trust you if they or someone they knew was ever in a bad situation?Think about that!!Teaching unconditional Love,Support and Forgiveness!
STOP looking for "who's on your side" and get on your sisters side.Let her know that you Love her but that you don't approve of her drug abuse at all.Tell her you will be there when she's ready to seek help.Consider looking into local AA meetings.
I couldn't think of a better time than Christmas to get the families together.Experience the true meaning of "Christmas".If your sister displays out of control verbal and or physical abuse...then ask her to please stop for the sake of when she's around young children and teens.If she refuses...then you tell everyone how much you Love them but that it's time to go.Period.That means no finger pointing and blaming anyone.Period.
As for your mother, and your perception of her enabling your sister....although this may be the case,then once again this is a golden opportunity for you AND your brother to do something to help instead of watching & waiting around for the problem to "Fix Itself" because I guarantee you that IT WILL END IN TRAGEDY.And you BOTH will have "Chosen to do nothing"!Get off your butts and your high horses and "HELP her help your sister!! Also encourage your mother to look into AA or some sort of affordable rehab.Try to work it out together..."That's what Family is!!Call your Mom and tell her you don't approve of your sister's behavior but that Family time is too important and you'll make the effort while your visiting.All the best to you and blessings to your family.

Colleen - posted on 12/07/2009

Been there - done that. You cant live your sisters life - nor can you live your parents life. The only thing you can do is make sure your children have a good life and make happy memories for them. Christmas with the dysfunctional bunch you described would NOT be in their best interest. I had to wait 10 years before my family shaped up. I had two nieces I had never met. I had to forgo seeing any of them, including my nieces, to protect my own children. My family came first.

Angie - posted on 12/07/2009

Your children HAVE to come first. If you think them being exposed to your sister will be damaging to them, then you have to stay away. My sister and I had a falling out this fall and my mom was very upset with me about it. I decided that the safety of my children come before my mother's feelings. It's really hard, and Christmas is going to be very difficult, but I know I'm being a good mother. God bless you!

Yulandie - posted on 12/07/2009

personally if it was myself in your situation, i would be standing my ground just like yourself....in my belief the ones that stand firm are the ones that will be reached out for help, and the ones that are basically cuddling her, she will abuse the fact in one way or another through her drug use, your mum will eventually see the reality side of things to come, so dont feel bad what-so-ever, your children come first and youve made the best choice not to have them involved, i hope and pray that all turns out well for your sister

best of wishes

Colene/Tommi - posted on 12/06/2009

I agree with seeking out support from Alanon - and would recommend you talk to your mother about trying it as well. They can help you draw the lines and hold to them and maybe even find a compromise which works for all of you (because i have found it isn't ALWAYS necessary to completely cut off the addict, it is just necessary to draw the lines, hold to them, etc. that doesn't ENABLE them).

Things like:

I cannot have you in my home, because you have stolen from me in the past - so i no longer trust you with my possessions.

I cannot have my children around you, because you have been noticeably high around them and I will not allow them to feel I condone that sort of behaviour and set that poor example for them.

I cannot give you money, or other things of value because you use those to support your habit.

I will not make excuses for your behaviour, these are your choices and you need to face the consequences of those choices.

and on the more positive side:


I will always be your sister and love you - and hurt when you hurt yourself and all the others who love and care about you.
I will help you find a program to get clean when you are ready to do that.
I will help you get to that program.

Angel - posted on 12/06/2009

You are doing the right thing. Tough love is the best love, your mom is enabling her and does not seem to want to accept the fact that her child is on drugs. You did not tear the family apart your sister did when she decided to use drugs.

Toni - posted on 12/06/2009

There comes a time in your life when you have to make the decision to take a stand to benefit your family. Your husband and children come first!!! You do not need validation from anyone if what your doing is the right thing in your heart. Your mom and dad will probably never stop enabling her, she knows this and trust me she counts on this. Your brother has to make his own choices. If you feel her 3 yr old is around drug users then it is your responsibility to contact child protective services in your area, this can be done anonymously. One can only hope that if CPS gets involved your sister might get help. Good luck and God Bless.

Evelyn - posted on 12/06/2009

Maybe your sister needs your support to help her through this period in her life. Yes Drugs are a bad thing,Maybe this is just your Mom trying in her own way to stand behind your sister and try to help her. If everyone turns against her ,then she has no-one to help her when and if she decides to give up that life style. She is going through a bad time and she really needs the love of her family.I hate what drugs do to a family, My sis was the same way.She was even arrested for drugs. Now she has cleaned up her lifestyle and has become an important member of our family again.Everyone is different and we are all fighting our own torments, some just handle them different.

Marianne - posted on 12/05/2009

It seems your mom laid down this ultimatum to see if you would stick to your guns. I'm so sorry for both your sister and your mother, especially because your sister probably won't change until EVERYONE stops enabling her. STick to your guns and see if your brother won't come to your house for Christmas. Invite your mother too, but not your sister. Good Luck!

Michelle - posted on 12/05/2009

I'm sorry, but it sounds like ur mum is in denial about the whole thing, i agree with you and ur brother, and think ur mum should be taking a stauncher approach to your sisters drug habit and looking into avenues to get her off them. A family intervention maybe. B4 something happens to that precious 3 yr old.

Meg - posted on 12/05/2009

As a recovering alcoholic I understand what you are going thru from the other side. I remember people not wanting to be around me and telling me so. I lost a lot of friends when i got sober. It is really hard to watch someone you care about distroy thier life. You have to do what is best for you and your family. ALONON would be a great help to you. There you can find people who understand and can help you to work thru this. They will support you as AA has done for me. I am on here most days if you want to talk I would be more then happy to talk with you! I hope I was able to help you a little.



Meg