Am i overeacting about my 15 year old teenage son

Joanne - posted on 09/12/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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What do you do when you know you son is doing things now that are placing him in danger and also affecting his future but he doesn't seem to care?
He has had "issues" all his life many a time addressed by school but noone one wants to make a diagnosis. How many psycologists do you have to see.
Am I over reacting when he sneaks out ( we now have dead bolts) hates his parents, hates school doesn't care about future , tells me he wishes he was dead but then says nothings wrong, now coming home with burn marks from cigarettes and sting marks which apparently is a game.
they thought he had aspegers but that was ruled out as he sort out friends, if that's what you consider mimicking those that are around you and doing all the stupid stuff they ask you to for a laugh ( at his expense I am sure)

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Julie - posted on 09/18/2010

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when it comes to teenage boys no one can fathom them really. the brain they had before seems to have disolved and they have no sense of fear. programmes like jackass dont help. all we can do with our children is to instill some sense about danger and self presivation and it up to them to act on it. you cant be with him 24 hours a day 7 days a week you cant babysit him when he is out with these so called mates you can hope he has some sense. my son loved the jackass programme and all the silly stunts. sneaking out should be treated with punishments like grounding him and making sure he cant get out. dont banish him to his room tell him he has to sit with you. angry and self hate sometimes goes along with the teenage years. my son was very angry and at one point his selfesteem plummeted to an all time low but with talking to him and encouraging good activities such as football he came through it. he loved the karate classes he attended for a while and they seemed to be a safe environment watched over by a responsible adult (not parents) for him to vent his anger and basically tire himself out so that he didnt have the energy any more for all the silly games he played and it also focussed his mind. psychologists can only help so far but its up to the individual and all we can do is guide them and help when we can. try finding out his interests and work out something along those lines like clubs etc. also get his dad involved even at 13 a man to man chat can be good. treat him as a young man not a child and see how he reacts.

Tracy - posted on 09/13/2010

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This may or may not apply to your son, but it's a thought at least. Not all kids are into school or want that path for life. Not all kids are heavily into family (they may outgrow this as they mature). Have you tried asking him what he would like to do with himself? This can be both future plans and short-term plans. Don't necessarily ask a "what do you want to be when you grow up" kind of question, just a "if you could go anywhere/do anything" kind of question. Let his answer be open and honest. I've always told my son that if he doesn't see his future in school, that's completely fine with me - just have a kind of plan for when he gets out of school so that he doesn't sit on someone's couch for 10 years. I truly don't know if anything I've said is helpful, but I thought I'd at least share these few thoughts. I wish you the best of luck with your son. Barring any serious problems medically, kids often do straighten themselves out at some point. I was a heartache for my parents to the point that they sent me away for a while. I hated them and never thought I'd be close to them. In the last few years we've come so far. I hope the same for your family (just that it doesn't take as long as it did me and my parents!)

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I would look into getting some NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) work done and perhaps getting him into sport or some kind of activity where he can make new friends that will help influence him in a positive way. What is he good at? what does he like doing? Is there something he likes to do with you... maybe go to movies or play video games once a week... Kids need help in finding their place in the world, but as parents we have to be careful how we help. Locking them up only forces them to fight harder. They want to know how they fit in and what their purpose is. Usually they behave out of character because they are searching for an identity and even if it isn't a nice one it gets attention. Give him some freedom, but let him know that if he behaves badly or harms himself then he will have to deal with the consequences, whatever you make them. Something serious may have happened to him that for whatever reason he cannot or won't talk about it. Tread carefully because the more restrictions we put on our kids as they get older the more likely we are going to lose them. He is at an age where he is testing the boundaries and should be given more self responsibility, but still needs some guidance.

NLP as I mentioned above helps people change the way they see themselves and the world. A good practitioner will be able to work at your son's level and not make him feel inadequate.

I wish you all the best. Hope this has helped.



Oops, didn't read all the replys above... some really great advice... good on you moms ... :)

Heidi - posted on 09/21/2010

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When he says he wishes he was dead, you have to take him seriously even if he says it all the time. He is self injuring which means he is hurting and that is a form of relief though very temporary. I know this becasue I was a self harmer and I wished I was dead as a teen. I tried to kill myself as a teen. I cant diagnose but I would guess ha is ADD if he is not hyperactive. My son 16 is ADD. Find a Psyhcologist PHD to do testing, get second opionion. I took my son off all meds, they made him worse and put him on vit supplemts. He makes it through so much better then on meds for ADD. Everyone reacts different. on meds so you cant go by my son. Your son sounds very depressed to me. Get help, keep looking for it.

Dixie - posted on 09/17/2010

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First off calm down the more crazy you get about his behavior the more he will react. Teenagers, particularly boys, have less impulse control than you think. The reasoning portion of a child's brain is not fully developed until they are approx. 22-23 yrs. old. What this means is that they do stupid things for reasons that they themselves cannot explain. What you need to do is stop reacting to his abhorrent behavior he is looking to get a reaction from you, good, bad or otherwise. The best advise that I can give about boys (and I have three) is to be quiet and listen. When you are driving somewhere in the car don't try to carry on a conversation for the sake of breaking up the silence be quiet for as long as it takes, your son will eventually start talking they can not stand the silence for too long and they will start talking. Some of the best conversations that I have had w/ my sons started from dead silence on my part. Kids go through phases and stages how we react as parents can make a huge difference in the outcome, teenagers need just as much (strategic) parenting as toddlers do , don't let their size or vocabulary fool you.

Ellen - posted on 09/17/2010

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If you are only going to the school psychologists they are not going to make a diagnosis or get him the help he needs. You need to take him to the family physician and get a referral to a psychiatrist, psychologist or counselor. Sounds like he needs behavioral therapy and talk therapy and probably medication. Behavioral therapy will help him learn better ways to behave to situations. And talk therapy is just that, talking it out. Be proactive with the therapist and doctors. Let them know exactly what is going on and ask them how you can deal with it at home and help your son deal with it. Whatever you do, don't give up. And if he is threatening to kill himself or says he wants to die or is harming himself or someone else, call the police or the local hospital and have him admitted on an emergency basis.

Taunya - posted on 09/16/2010

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sounds like he needs new friends. My daughter was cutting at one time and i had a bad feeling about the boyfreind she had at the time. Things just was not right, so finely after a looong ordeal and fight i break up with him for her and told him not to call or come over again. Of course she hated me at the time but now years later i found out he was abusing her and she thanks me. but there is still issues she's dealing with because of him. I would look very closely at something happening with him or to him, he may need help getting out of. Good luck

Rita_2_davey - posted on 09/14/2010

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I myself would have him checked for ADHD and Asbergers'. His attitude is just not acceptable, there is something wrong. This game of coming home with stings and cigarette burns on him is just not right. He wants to fit in however he's in with the wrong crowd, you can't stop him now, its probably been going on for some time. My concern with him at this point would be drugs. Have your family Physician have him re-booked for another phyciatric assessment. I can see trouble brewing and I'm sure you don't want him to be charged with something in or on his possession and whos' to say what he will come home with next.
I hope this has helped you somewhat, he does need attention from someone in the Phychiatrist Dept. to check him out. Pls. don't be offended by my answer. I have a grandson who is ADHD and Asbergers' and his answers' right now are the same as your sons' and he is on medication. He is only 12. Good Luck!!

Angie - posted on 09/14/2010

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You have to see as many therapists, psychiatrists and psycologists as it takes to get your son the help he needs. You're right, your child is in danger and the sad thing is, he's his biggest enemy. He is never going to tell you what's wrong, he doesn't want you to judge him. Call your insurance company and ask them for a list of adolescent psychiatrists that are members of your plan. Then start calling. Ask specific questions: "My son may be suicidal, what is your suggestion about what I can do, short of admitting him, to help him until hes first appointment?" "My son is self harming, is there anything I can do to help him?" Get the answers, if they don't answer them to your satisfaction, move on to the next name on the list. I am bipolar and it took me 35 years to find someone that could help me. I lived my entire childhood and most of my adult years fighting not to kill myself. It's a horrible way to live and some days, it seems like more trouble that it's work. One of my son's classmates commited suicide 10 days ago. No one ever knew he was in pain until he died. Don't take a chance, teens committ suicide every day. Help your son not be one of those children. I think once you get that under control the rest of his world might come into focus and he'll begin to do the things he needs to do to have a successful life.

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