Any suggestions on how to handle dealing with my 17 yr old daughter who wants to move out the day she turns 18?

Trisha - posted on 02/29/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone. This is my first time ever posting on here. I have a beautiful 17 yr old daughter who is turning 18 in a couple of months. I have been pretty lucky as far as having any big issues with her. She really is a good girl and has never been in trouble. My husband and I have sheltered her a bit because she has had some health issues. She has fibromyalgia and has struggled alot with it? She is our only girl. She is working part time at a pre-school and has been saving up to buy her first car. Shes almost there and will be buying one in the next month. She will be starting college this fall and wants to be a nurse. She has this huge idea that she is moving out this summer as soon as she turns 18. I am fine with the idea of her moving out but not until she is ready. She will be going to community college and not going away to live in a dorm like some of her friends. She only makes 600.00 a month and when she starts college shes going to have to cut back her work hours. Her Dr has even told her this because of her Fibromyalgia. If she over works herself she will be in a mess as far as her health goes. We would like her to focus on college and not have the worries of having to work a ton to support herself. When we try to talk to her she takes it as we are saying she just cant do it and will fail. My worry is that she will get so focused on working and making money that she will not finish college. I get that she wants to grow up and have her independance and be a grown up but I dont feel that she is emotionaly ready or financially ready to just move out. How can I get this through to her without her feeling like I am just trying to keep her home because I dont want her to leave.? I am very close with her and we talk about everything together. No topic has ever been off limits. This is the first time she has just not wanted to talk it out with me.

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User - posted on 03/05/2012

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I think that helping her set up a budget is a great idea (Sharon). This shows your support for her. This way you're not telling her what to do. You are simply supporting her decision while shedding some light on the situation.



It's just a thought, but I'm wondering if she just wants that "going off to college" feeling without having a dorm. My son is looking forward to the going off part. It's natural; it's normal; it's healthy.

Remind her that you will always be there if she changes her mind (not if or when she fails).

She might surprise you, Mom.

Sharon - posted on 03/04/2012

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I understand where you are coming from. My suggestion is that you and her sit down and listen to why she feels she needs to move out. You can express your concern about her health and finishing college. Then have HER draw up a plan and a budget of how she will take care of herself if she moves out. You may see that is is possible or she may see that for herself she may not be ready, financially or otherwise. Sometimes they just need to see for themselves or we need so see there is nothing to worry about. Speaking from experience of having a 21, 19 and 17 year old. Wish you both luck! :)

[deleted account]

Hi Trisha

I had the same talk with my dtr 6 mos ago. I did not feel

she was in anyway ready to take it all on. She was chomping at the bit to relocate 3 hrs away. Alot of it I found out was

peer pressure and expectation from others. The good news

is most landlords are not interested in renting to someone without credit history and very little job stability. So if you are

not going to sign the lease who is? It is enought stress to

focus on school, these girls do not realize the amt of homework and discipline college life requires. We welcome

their goals .... but we want them to be succesful at it.! I am

a protective latin mom. My dtr decided to take a few local

classes because the roomate situation fell threw. She is now

realizing the demands of school and has postponed moving

out for one more year. She will have more options as a transfer student.

Kim - posted on 03/01/2012

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I know it is hard but let her move. Let her know that she will always have a home to come back to if things do not work out. I moved out right out of high school when I turned 18. Worked and went to community college. Things got tough so I moved back home for awhile. Show your support, she knows you love her and will always be there for her. She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.

Angie - posted on 02/29/2012

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It is probably one of the hardest things for parents to accept...that we don't really have the say-so anymore, and unfortunately the more we push for what we know is reality, the more adamant they will be to make it work. We don't get to say when they are ready. The best advise I can give is sometimes we just have to back off, it's not happening right now, so why worry about it right now, & don't worry about what if's. You've raised her for almost 18 years and you have to trust in that; sometimes it's easier for them to figure out on their own than have their parents tell them. By the way, my oldest moved out at 17, no job, no car, but knowing it all...he came back at almost 19 and at 20 got his own apt...he now comes to me for the advise, like he says not that he will always take it..lol, but knows that's the 1st place he will go, and it seemed the more I backed off & let him make his own decisions without questioning or criticizing, the more he asked advice/opinions, just remember even if they do, they may not always follow it...that 17-18 age is just tough and some things they do need to learn on their own, just always keep the door open...Best of luck to you :)

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Diane - posted on 03/13/2012

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She can move out if she wants as an adult. Hopefully you raised her well and she will be fine. If she finds she can not make it she will probably be back soon anyway.

Cathy - posted on 03/07/2012

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Well mine just moved out 6 days after her 18th birthday before graduating this May while I was out of town and her Dad was asleep. I've just been sick about it, it's been 5 days and I'm so worried about her. It's ruined our anticipation for graduation, we were so proud of her, she's so smart and in the top 10o/o of her class. Although she's very smart, she never fit in well in the school here and really they haven't always been fair with her and I've had to fight many battles for her, now I'm wondering how much of it was really her. I'm finding out that she's made me out to be a monster to some, saying all I care about is money, trying to live my life through her and to coerce her into being what I wanted to be, I'm just flabbergasted!

If anything I've been to good to her and to lenient, sure her Dad was off working alot of her life and he drinks to much, and is introverted and we are older parents, but by far she's had it way better than a lot of kids. She was raped, her Dad doesn't know all, by a boyfriend, controlled, stayed with him because of threats that were made toward others,

not with him anymore, it all finally came out, I had to take her out of a new school and put her back where she was so unhappy before. I've had her in to see 5 professionals, she is currently on medication all of these delusional things about me trying to control her and that she is wiccan and bisexual and I couldn't accept her, just floored, she has 2 half siblings that are gay and I've been good to them and always shown them love, they live far away, but have been a small part of her life. The wiccan was confessed a few years ago and she was back in church, not being a church goer myself, but making sure that she could learn where she could make her own choices, I am a believer and people thought that she was annointed and would be a special soldier for Christ, then something changed and she briefly hinted about wiccan again, just kind of let it fly by, had been so off about her mental problems and my Mothers illness and death, also losing several loved ones. She had already been accepted to a good college, has some schlorship money and I've already paid the money down on her dorm, she's also forfeiting $4000, dollars in social security benefits she gets as dependant of her retired Dad that would've helped tremendously toward her dorm rent. Everyone that knows what all we've been through together thinks she's delusional, I have given her Dr. copies of the messages between us and of course she's not discussing things with me just told me to try and get her to call her. She has been taking prozac for not to terribly long and they doubled her dose a couple of weeks ago. I have messaged her that she can be anything she wants to be just please come home until she goes out of town to college in August. Need comfort and advice, please.

Trisha - posted on 03/06/2012

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Thank you for all of the feedback. It helps just to hear other moms are going thru the same things.

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