Anyone out there with a 14 year old daughter who is starting to "hang out" with boys?

Pam - posted on 04/27/2011 ( 69 moms have responded )

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I am curious to know what other Mom's are doing in this situation. She is going out with friends (boys and girls) and has to be in at a certain time. How often does your daughter go out and do what is their curfew? Thanks!!!

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Ruth - posted on 05/01/2011

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My 14 year old is allowed to hang out with boys, but only in public places and when other girls are there as well.

Kaylee - posted on 10/26/2013

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I'm also 14 to and I got stuck in a situation today. My parents went out for a date so I stayed home and this boy I really like wanted me to come over and just chill/hangout with his friend . I didn't really know how to respond. I knew my parents would say No because 1 they don't know him. That's how my parents are,but if they did get to know him yeah they probably would let me go but they didn't and I told him no. He came up with an idea saying that I should sneak out to come see him and his friends mom would come pick me up. I said i'm not really to sure about that idea. He also said that I should just tell my parents that my friend is taking me to the mall a friend they know. so he wanted me to lie to my parents and then come hangout with him. I was under pressure... I ended up talking to him on the phone for over an hour deciding if I should do the right thing or make the wrong choice and go hangout with him the guy I like.that . I ended up going with my heart and saying No .I was sticking up for my self and I'm glad I did because If I did end up going .yeah I would have fun but In the back of my mind I would be nervous and guilty knowing that I would be lying to my parents about something major like this. what would happen if I get caught I would be in some deep trouble and I would get my computer taken away plus my phone and I wouldn't even be able to talk to him anymore. I'm glad I went with my heart instead of making a huge mistake.

Patty - posted on 05/31/2011

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From what I've seen with my daughters and their friends, the more restrictions you put on them, such as "You can't have a bf until a certain age" just makes them more secretive, having bfs behind the parent's back. I've seen it time and time again where I know more about their friends than their own parents do because they're afraid to talk to their parents.

 I was horrible as a teen and young adult and my parents were strict and never brought up sensitive subjects with me. This just made me sneak around and lie about where I was going. I was a straight A student and cheerleader so they didn't suspect anything until it was too late (after I'd turned 18). 

I've tried to do things very different from the way I was raised because I always want them to feel like they can come to me with anything, and they do. Unfortunately they have done many of the same things I did anyway. The only real difference is that they can't easily fool me and I always find out one way or another. Either I catch them or one of their friends will tell me. At least we are able to sit down and talk about what they did wrong,  why it's wrong, and what the consequences of their actions are. 

I'm sorry, I obviously don't know the right answer. I'm still learning as I go, but I think one thing's for sure. The "right" answer is not the same for every child. They all mature at different rates, and some are just more rational than others. Good luck!

Brianna - posted on 07/22/2013

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if you know then that good but if you dont then try to even try to meet his parents have a nice dinner

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Tessa - posted on 12/03/2014

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I am 14 and honestly most of my friends are guys. (Although this probably because I'm the head builder of the robotics team and I'm the only girl) My curfew is 9 but I'm usually home by 5. To me hanging out with boys should be fine as long as she tells you if she ever wants to date one of them and what are the ground rules of that. Though I've never dated before and want to save it for college. My mom not letting me hang out with guys to me would belike saying you can't have friends. These guys are my best buds.

Deena - posted on 11/22/2014

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Ive been dealing with my troublesome 14 year old daughter Julia, and boy, is she a HANDFUL...

My curfew for her is 6. 6:15 AT THE LATEST

Unless its a church activity, or school activity.

She thinks that 6:15 is WAY too early, but personally I think I'm being generous.. So, since she can't appreciate her 6:15 curfew, I made the rule to be in by sundown ( little did she know, there was a time change), so now she's in by at least 5 o clock!!!

Boys and 14 year old girls DO NOT MIX.. They are like water and oil. So, Julia has to be in by sundown and absolutely no boys..All girls school it is!!!

WHOS LAUGHING NOW JULIA!!!

Brianna - posted on 07/22/2013

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don't get to out of control with boy because if don't give them what they want they can begin to spread rumors and they wont be so nice

Brianna - posted on 07/22/2013

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that is considered as bad parenting when you allow your child to date more than 2 years above there age range you should really stop this relationship before some one get hurt or things get out of control and god always says he will make a way

Brianna - posted on 07/22/2013

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you should not worry about what your child is doing if u gave them a good up bringing and strict parents make sneaky kids so that mean give you child space some room to explore and if you haven't had that conversation about the birds and the bee's then you should have that conversation with them soon and make sure she or he know where boy friend hands should and should not be

Sue - posted on 01/16/2013

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Dont know what to do?She is 14 with a boyfriend that is 17 turning 18 at the end of this school year. I am a single mother that is divorced from her farther. Her farther and i do not converse or coparent with each other and our daughter definitly knows how to play each side. What ever I say no to at his house is yes and right now I let he go stay with him for a month hoping she will miss me and respect me.
She thinks her farther understands her so much better than I could, that I dont let her do anything and never lets her see her boyfriend, which she tends to exagerate things extremilly.
I AM HOPELESS AND DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
SUE

Lucy - posted on 12/10/2012

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Trust your daughter, tell her a time to come home and then ground her for a day or something if she does not come home on time and there is nothing wrong with hanging out with boys:)

Kendra Lea - posted on 12/08/2012

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to lora first off he wanted to keep me from trouble so if he new i was going to leave my house he came and got me he never wanted anything bad to happen to me and ya ok say what you want you have you opinion but you dont know the half of it

Lora - posted on 12/02/2012

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this is what happens when sneaking starts........it leads and always leads you down the wrong road. if he were really a friend, and didn't want bad to happen, he would not also be part of the sneaking

Lora - posted on 12/02/2012

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accepting is great, but you need to use wisdom! Don't play havoc and be niave with trust! Friends with boys are fine, but use WISDOM

Lora - posted on 12/02/2012

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most mom's have the same rules because of protection. you have no idea how much you are playing with fire. it's like playing roulette, you are volunerable more than you realize to what seems perfectly harmless. Don't ruin your family relationships for your friends, again, youth have no idea yet how much you are playing havoc with your life by making these simple choices. Listen to your mom, believe it or not, she knows what she is talking about, she has more wisdom. Wisdom comes with age, the older you get the more you realize how this is true. Don't ruin your relationship with your mom over these choices that seem totally ok.

Lilly - posted on 11/24/2012

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i am a fourteen year old girl also and i like to hang out with my guy friends to because when you are a fourteen year old girl with only girl friends there tends to be a lot of drama and that would probably be why me and your daughter are becoming friends with guys because there isnt any drama when your friends with guys i know right now im kinda gaining more girl friends and its still a bit dramatic but not ass dramatic so just give her an ok like 9 or 8 what ever you feel comfortable with

Maisie - posted on 11/13/2012

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You can't punish your daughter for being friends with boys, unless she's doing something inappropriate for her age! My daughter has many friends that are boys and they are all lovely people, you should accept she has friends of the opposite sex!:)

Emily - posted on 11/11/2012

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I'm 13 years old and a lot of my best friends are guys (a lot less drama). My parents know and they don't really care. I can assure you none of us have gotten to anything other than just friends. Unless you suspect something fishy going on, you should trust your daughter, but my parents never let me out later than 8.

Leigh - posted on 11/11/2012

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I dont think its a question of imposing discipline. The focus would be on the child enjoying the company of family-discipline and disputes will counteract that bonding-and take your child seeking elsewhere, and for love in ungodly places. Broken families are the worst backgrounds for children, where arguments arise. Once consideration, from love and friendship style parenting, with firmness, and interests are in the home, this expels the need to wander and to be uncompliant, and grown up before their age. Laying down laws, children coming home to angry parent meetings, to provide punishment, or a father physically showing authority-will throw this all out the window, and the child will seek information on how to fight parents. Then a parent may phone police, ....

The SPCA told me, that dogs abused at home, or unhappy at home, dont take off from their care. It is the ones that are well looked after that take off, and hate it there.

Carrie - posted on 11/09/2012

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I'm not a fan of the "boyfriend" phrase. I'm not ok w/ "I love him" or "we are dating" kind of talk, but my 13 yr old daughter has gone to male freinds houses w/ other girls to hang out when a parent is there and I'm ok w/ it. Before she leaves the house for whatever the function is the phrase "Act like a lady & respect yourself" comes out of my mouth so for whatever it's worth, I hope she lives by that...13, 23, 33, whatever age. One more things, she has attended a Halloween party and gone to the movies w/ a mixed crowed as well and normally by 10 or 11 she is needing to be home.

Rose Mary - posted on 11/04/2012

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my daughter is 14 in 7 days and she likes to hang out with boys ... she keeps talking about this 1 boy who is way older than her i dont know if i should butt in or leave her to it.... what should i do

Rose Mary - posted on 11/04/2012

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my daughter is 14 in a week and she loves to hang out with boys ... i expect the fact that she prefers boys than girls but she keeps talking about this one lad who is 19 ... i dont know if i should step in or leave her

Lissette - posted on 11/02/2012

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I know it's hard to understand your mom but she is trying to protect you and that's what mother's do. She saw your friend as a threat just because he was a boy. But she did this because she thought you were having relations with him. Your mother is right no matter what happened. You will find other friends and start over. maybe your mom thought that you were too close to comfort. I was like you once I had more guy friends than girls friends. But I tell you this that boys will fall in love with you and want to be more than your friend. I've learned to trust know one because they will tell all your secrets. Over the years you will know who your real friends are. Some friends are master manupilators and influence you to do things that you are not comfortable doing. Always go by your instincts!

Lissette - posted on 11/02/2012

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Put your foot down and just say NO! If you can't follow the rules face the consequences!!

Lissette - posted on 11/02/2012

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This is when you step in and try to spend more time with her. Take her out and do girls stuff. Like a mommy and daughter day. explain to her that it is ok to hang with boys but girls are different than boys. Explain how girl are awesome. Also that gives you the chance to talk about the birds and the bees!

Lissette - posted on 11/02/2012

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A child needs guidiance but no matter what we say them they think they know more than you. They will test your limits and see how far they can go. If I have a child that age I will put my foot down and just say no or else. This is when we are really tested to be a parent who controls who? Never let a child walk over your authority no matter how difficult it is!

Cassandra - posted on 10/27/2012

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My 14 year old is very physically active. She LOVES skateboarding and practices all the time. The majority of the people she hangs out with skateboarding are boys. Her personality is one that she gets along better with the boys than the girls, so most of her friends are male. Her curfew is 8 o'clock because I simply don't feel she needs to be out any later than that. She has no reason to be skateboarding in the dark or running around at that time either. The only exceptions are when there are sporting events. She is outside running around almost every day after school. She gets nuts when she can't be out doing something, she has tons of energy to burn.

Alexis - posted on 10/25/2012

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I have a girl

Curfew is 8:00 final no exceptions stand your ground with this

P

Marquel Khyree - posted on 10/24/2012

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Simply talk to her about it, dont just assume right away. Ask her who she is hanging out with then simply decide weather they are a good or bad influence on her. You both must be honest with eachother and be able to trust eachother. Just make sure that is she has to be home at a certain time, and she comes home later, there must be consequences for her and the trust must be built again.

Kendra Lea - posted on 10/20/2012

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im 15 i just turned 15 this summer me and my mom dont get along because of how she treats me and she wouldnt trust me enough to hang out with anyone so i resorted to sneaking out with a guy i now who has only ever loved me and doesnt want anything bad happening to me so he always makes sure if im planning to sneak out hes always around to keep me out of harm me and him have done sexual things together on 2 occasions and when i started dating this other guy and he had found out what i did in the past with my best friend he made me go to the cops and tell them that my best friend raped me to this day my friend wont talk to me because of what happend i was 14 and he was 17 at the time we did those things so he got put in juvy for awhile because of what the one guy made me do my mom to this day still thinks my best friend someone i trusted with my life raped me when he had never done such a thing he kept me out of drugs and alchole wouldnt let me go to parties he never wanted a single bad thing to happen to me and now we dont even speak and because of what the one guy did see my mom trusted me with him but not my best friend because he was closer to my age because of this guy i stated doing drugs and alchole to deal with my pain over losing my best friend he has since moved far away to get away from the reputation that was left for him here

[deleted account]

I have found that it helps to accept it as a part of their social behavior, however...ive found at this age many parents dont check with other parents! This is a huge mistake. I have found allowing boys over my home eases my worres. Then I know whats going on more. I have let my 14 go to the movies with a group of girl and boy friends. She is allowed to go over to a very few select homes due to me knowing the parents. Not all parents have the same rules as you or me so keep that in mind. Always check with other parents I would say, and if we supress them too long for this boy thing, it could lead to lying and sneaking around. So with supervision, checking with thier parents and allowing them over to your environment ive found very helpful, hope this helps

Shyann - posted on 10/15/2012

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I am 14 myself but im not a mom so i dont know how you guy's do it. But beside's that majority of the reason why she is hanging out with guy's and girl's, is because boy's do not cause drama and they dont judge you about everything. Girl's like to judge about the littlest thing's and trust me i look at them as my brother's. Just dont worry it's not like she is a hooker i already went through this with my mom befor just let it go and my mom gave me a curfew of 9:30 or 10.

Alexandrian May - posted on 10/07/2012

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@Mindy Munger

Honestly you are going to end up pushing her away.

kids hate that adults try to dictate who they are allowed to see, date, ect.

you should give her more freedom i say, imagine for a moment you were in her shoes, you would try to do the exact opposite of what your mother told you to do, just to annoy her, wouldn't you?

don't try to deny it, i'm positive we all would, because that's just how kids are, let her be unless it ggets really extreme, but make sure she knows YOU are in charge, be tough but fair, not tyrannical and unreasoning, if she want's t do something, she's likely going to do it, regardless of what you say, be supportive, but if she breaks you rules, be consistent in punishment, no "Let off for good behavior" or anything, otherwise she;ll never respect you.

Respect is earned, not deserved, and you don't automatically get it by being a mom, so earn it.

Sara - posted on 08/28/2012

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I need an advise all my 14 yr old talks about write about is boys on how she wants on one or muscular or cute like desperate smh!! nothing else interestes her but writing bout boys ,,is that normal should I tell her dad??

Dian - posted on 12/04/2011

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My 13 yearl old is a girl and her best friend is a boy they hangout in a group of about 8-10 other 13-14 year olds she has one night out a week and she choose friday They go to the mall or to the movies or dance at the Y I really don't have a curfew for her normally 1 parent is driving them to the location and another picks them up we each take turns. If they are at someone house I normaly pick her up at 11 pm

[deleted account]

Hi Pam,

My daughter just turned 15. She doesn't go "hang out" with anyone without me knowing what the supervision is at that home. Most of the time, I make them come here so I am assured of what is going on. Trust me when I tell you that many parents think it is cool to let kids do whatever they want. I can name two parties that have gone on in the last month that the parents left while their kids had a house full of other teens. There was zero parental supervision and you can imagine what was likely going on. The parents thought it was funny, because "kids will be kids." Other parents will sometimes try to trick you into thinking they have rules at their home, when in fact there are no rules at all. She isn't going to like it, but you probably need to get a handle on the situation and make sure there is supervision at all times and if not refuse to let her go out. Remember that your job is to be her protector and not her friend. She has enough friends.

LAURA - posted on 11/28/2011

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My daughter has to be home by her curfew. If not she is grounded. Most of the time she is hanging out with her best friend with an adult. so I am told. Yes she hangs out with boys. she has this one boy she hangs out with that is very good kid. He's not into girls. No boys are allowed at my house without me being there. Certain boys she's not allowed to hang out with.

Kelly - posted on 11/27/2011

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My daughter turned 15 this year, and I also have a 13 year old daughter. My daughters both hang out with boys, perhaps Olivia (13) a bit more keen to do so than Avery (15) as Avery has always had many male friends anyway. My daughters usually see these boy friends on Saturdays, mostly at the mall to get lunch or a movie. On Saturdays the girls are usually both at parties, at sleepovers or having a sleepover with a friend at our house, but on the rare occasions that they are free on Saturday nights, Olivia must be home by 8:30, and Avery by 9:45.

All my four children, (Avery, Olivia, Parker, Levi) must be home by 4pm on Sundays, as Sunday afternoons are family time. We discuss our week and any problems we have.

Boys are generally not a problem, but do keep an eye on what your daughter wears, what she wears can give a boy the wrong idea about a girl very quickly.

Traci - posted on 11/24/2011

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As the mother of a 14 yr old girl and two older sisters we have been very cautious with this. We meet all the kids they ask to hang out with, we will even have bbq's or a family night to make sure we do. My kids are very aware if we don't meet them requests to hang out are denied. The reason is that we wish to see just what company they are keeping and if we approve. This dictates what, where and when they will do this hanging out. While we don't try to control who their friends are or who they talk to we do limit the time and functions with certain individuals. Sundown for my 14 yr old is the limit unless accompanied by an adult, I see no reason for kids to be running around after dark. I leave plenty of time for them to schedule activities and ask that they make another plan if it's already late unless they are willing to have only an hour or so.

Vera - posted on 11/18/2011

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My daughter's soon to be 14 in march (now 13) and i'm pretty okay with her hanging out with boys. But only to the theater with her friends and before 6-7 o'clock. She has been very interested in hanging out with one boy in particular though, saying that's the only friend that she has when everyone's mean to her. I let her go by his house once this summer with his mother carefully observing them in the living room with me. My daughter, Kiera, only goes out whenever her friends plan something. Which is, at all, twice or once a month. But she hasn't been out since september. I'm less strict with her though, when my 20 year old was 14 I didn't let her go out till she was 17 without parents. But she didn't mind because she used to read a lot. My younger one only spends time on the internet and gets bullied at school, so I try to be lenient and let her socialize as much as possible!

Eileen - posted on 11/17/2011

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I don't let my daughter out with anyone. She is 14 years old and still childish in many ways. I don't trust her nor do I trust anyone with the way this world is.
In Florida we have to many preditors. I am not going to change my mind about this at all. I am firm and she knows it. I am a Latin mother and know all about the sneaky little crap they like to do. If they have nothing to worry about then I will be there also. She can have a girl friend sleep over. But she will never sleep over anyones home unless it is a birthday party and I know of the parents. Sorry, but I am old fashion. And things have happened to my when I was young. Oh, she is also attending Karate now. I expect her to be a black belt within a couple of years... LOL

Susan - posted on 06/10/2011

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For a 14 year old, I have a 9:30 (at the LATEST) curfew...and it's not a "date" situation. For instance, if she has plans to go to the movies with a group of friends, she has to choose one that will have her home by that time. My oldest didn't start going out on dates until she was 16 -- and a mature 16 year old. Even then, her curfew was 10 p.m. As she got older (she's now 19), she would argue the curfew being too "old fashion" because her other friends were getting to stay out much later. Old Fashion...be that as it is...in my opinion, nothing good can happen after 10:00 for a teen.

Hope this helps!

Jeni - posted on 05/31/2011

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i don;t have a cerfew. i have a be home by... for each time she leaves. as she is gettin older i am trying to not have to know every little thing she is doing but she knows i have gps on her phone and she better have it with her (answering) and she better be where she says she is ... she has not failed yet.

Shayna - posted on 05/25/2011

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I am trully lucky that my daughter has pretty high standards and has realized that most of the boys she is the same age with just want sex. She is going to be 15 yrs old. She is a lot more mature than most of her peers. She has had cancer and has been forced to grow up much faster, she has real worries as most kids are worried about there looks and there clothes. She does go out with her friends and there will be boys there but we live in a small town and I know where she is at every moment and what she is doing. You have to keep the lines of communication open. I agree with a mom above that you need to make them aware that other people will say they saw them out and about and that makes them think about there actions. I drive by and not stalker like but I do check up on where they say they are going be. I talk to the parents of where they say they are going. You also have to be careful with the parents these days as well as the kids your kids hang with, Some parents have no boundries and are more worried about being there childs best friend than being there parent. You have to really get to know the parents f where your children go as well. They need to realize that you are on top of what they are doing and that you will check up on them. Teens are always gonna try and push the boundries and they are finding themselves. No matter what they say they need structure and boundries. It shows that you care and that you love them.

Lydia - posted on 05/18/2011

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Call me an old school mom but my kids weren't allowed to have boyfriends or girlfriends, including my now 14 yr old daughter until they were 17yrs old. Yeah, I know it may sound a little crazy to some but that's how it works in our home. It just seems that it's hard enough being a teenager in todays society that adding a boyfriend or girlfriend to the mix adds to an already emotional harmonal roller coaster. Most teenagers aren't emotionally prepared for that type of relationship, which can lead to bad situations. My daughter's weren't allowed to wear full make up until high school, they were allowed to wear some blush, lip gloss or lipstick in middle school but that's about it. As far as curfew or what's allowed when hanging out with friends, it depends on them and their behavior. If they're responsible and have earned our trust then they are allowed to go to movies with friends,sleep overs if we know the friend and parents, and family oriented parties of friends. It's hard to live by these rules sometimes and my daughter didn't get it at first because her friends had so much freedom and access to many things, but she has also seen what some of their negative choices has cost them. She has come to understand our concerns and why we have such rules, which in turn makes her work harder towards making better choices.

Jane - posted on 05/17/2011

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My daughter is now 18, but when she was 14 she had a required curfew, and she wasn't allowed to go on one-on-one dates, just big group dates. Her curfew was 11 pm on Friday and Saturday nights, with no "dates" or hanging out on school nights. She typically did the group dates (usually to the movies) once a week or once every two weeks. The other days she stayed home and studied, had sporting events, had church events, or hung out with twin sisters who are her best friends.

I haven't worried too much because she is both an athlete and very smart, and she understands that only a boy who is both as fast as she is and as smart as she is will interest her for more than a few days. There have been very, very few boys like that in her life. One such boy is someone she met first when she was 11 and playing soccer at summer camp. He is an excellent soccer player, and has gone on to be a National Merit Scholar with a dual major. They officially dated for a while when she was 17 and 18 (she asked my permission first) but they decided to split up because he was taking 22 credits and because her dad died suddenly.

My daughter is a rather logical person and so we were able to discuss why I insisted on these restrictions even though some of her friends had much more lax rules. She may have bad-mouthed me to her friends so she could retain her reputation for being cool (I gave her permission to do that as I figured if the boys thought I was really strict they might be more careful) but she complied with good grace.

Jessica - posted on 05/17/2011

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I have 14 and 15 year old daughters they like to walk around town with there friends. I only let them go in groups and I check on them often. They have to be home by 8pm on school nights. They will do this about twice a week. I won't let them hang out alone with boys. I told them if they want to do that the boy has to come here to the house whrere we can meet him and supervise. They think I am mean.

Joy - posted on 05/17/2011

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I think as long as you have a reasonably mature & healthy 14 year old, then that's a great time for her to go out with a group of friends in public places! A prior poster mentioned 8 pm on school nights & 10 pm on weekends & I agree with her. Just make sure she understands that once that curfew is set, it's solid & she'll lose the privilege of going out if she starts breaking that curfew or otherwise showing she's not ready for this step. Good Luck!

Elizabeth - posted on 05/15/2011

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YEAH i know my daughter is still a virgin thank god she hasnt even had her first kiss yet im glad my daughter is open with us she tells us everything

Kay - posted on 05/15/2011

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I really feel that once a teen girl gets involved in sex there is no turning back. No matter what you aren't going to be able to prevent her from it.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/14/2011

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my daughter is 13 and isnt really alowed to hang out with boys by herself unless during school hours she dont have a curfew cause she dont go anywhere besudes school to home and thats it if she goes to any friends house we have to meet the friends parents and know who will be in the home before she could go over or spend the night at anybodys house

Michelle - posted on 05/12/2011

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I let my daughter "hang out" with boys from her school. HOWEVER, they're only allowed to hang out with me around. They can come over, we can all go out somewhere - mall, etc. but I never allow them to have any time alone. Her brother is always around to be the extra eye for me. There's no going into her bedroom, DEFINITELY NO closing of doors. The boys, if they respect my rules, then they always come over and we all have fun playing Wii or goofing around or whatever. But never alone. If she asks to go over to THEIR house, then I ALWAYS meet the parents first, to determine if they're expectations/morals are the same as mine, then I allow her ONLY if they're going to be home as well. But I always speak to the parents for their confirmation & approval. Never take the kids' word for it. lol

Althea - posted on 05/04/2011

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My daughter just recently started to talk to boys. I thought it would have been easy for her to come to me about it but instead she is secretive and I don't know what to do.

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