Appropriate consequence for my 14 year old daughter for lying?

Tammy Lynn - posted on 03/04/2012 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My daughter was sneaking out during the night back in the summer, using her i-touch as a means of communicating with the boy she met up with. When I found out, I grounded her severely by restricting her privileges and returning the i-touch to her dad to keep at his house, (he bought it for her). She's been doing great since then as far as building my trust in her, as I gradually restored some of her privileges. We have bi-weekly meetings where we sit down and discuss her progress, reviewing positive and negatives. I suspected she was texting as she was also caught using some texting site through the computer, 6 weeks ago. Although her behavior has been better, she still tries to find ways to text her friends. She does't want to comply with my rules and needs to learn rules are set for a reason. However, it is the principal that she lied and deceived me, by sneaking the i-touch back into my home when it was supposed to stay at her dad's (no wi-fi). What are some appropriate consequences for lying and deceiving me? Thanks in advance!

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Angie - posted on 03/05/2012

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Some technology info for you Tammy....



1. Most routers are set to a default login and password and any device that has internet access can be physically connected to it (the router) and access the programming. Make sure your router is changed off the default to something you can remember. Charter helped me do this.



2. Password your computer and make sure you log off when finished; however, if you forget, next time you are on the computer, check your user accounts. A guest account could've been setup that would have full access to the computer, no password needed, but not seen right away.



3. Wii's and ipods have wifi capabilities...



4. just because she doesn't have access to your wifi doesn't mean she don't have access to another kid in the neighborhood who provided her their wifi password. Also, just because you took away her ipod doesn't mean she didn't borrow one from a friend. If she's hanging out in her room for longer periods, check on her.



5. If you can get wifi, there are all kinds of free texting programs out there for use on pretty much any device...I actually use one now vs. paying for it.



Just some things I've learned from my son...he is super intelligent also, has hacked my wifi password twice, along with a lot of other things that has helped me learned some things..Definitely be checking to see if she has a facebook..or even a myyearbook account, but like I said in my earlier facebook, have someone you know look for you, even a couple people, mine had me and my good friend both blocked from even seeing his...blocked that if we searched his name, nothing even came up..Good luck!

Chelsea - posted on 03/06/2012

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thats really hard to deal with i bet. when i was that age, you wouldn't have caught me sneaking out or using, at the time the crappy little weird old phone i had, mainly because i was scared of my dad. you didn't want to see him mad. *shudder* i didn't live with my mom, but i could tell you now, i didn't have still dont have as much respect for her as my father. and when i finally did move in with my mom at 17-18 i thought her parenting was slacking because she wanted to give me more freedom then my dad, and try to be a friend/mom TOO much. so when i lived with her i basically lived by my fathers rules still...to a point where when i felt like i dissapointed them i would do their yard work, pull weeds, trim around the sidewalk, replace the yard deco, and organize their home or something lol...i still was scared of my dad over 1000 miles away. maybe what needs to happen, is you and your ex, punish together. did he even know that she snuck out? its important that her punishment is straight forward from both sides no matter what. i didnt care what my step parents had to say even if i had respect for them. what mattered is that i basically wanted them to act alike..not try and win me over on being less angry with me you know? all kids take advantage of that, especially divorce kids. and maybe thats what the ex is doing, trying to win her over by being less mad... even if he doesn't actually know he's doing it.. im not blaming, just saying its usually unknown. see my dad was military, parents from the south, type man, or.. he still is not was. he was scary. each man is different in that way, but... when it comes to divorce, those issues are not much different at all. even if you were together still.. its like mom can i? you say no.. no nono.. then the kid goes.. hmm.. illl ask dad.. dad says.. yea. type thing. i think the appropriate consequence, is.. letting your heart poor out to her, about how much it really hurts for your own blood to deceive you like that.. tell her how much you know she's a good kid, and that you just want her to make choices that will help her thorugh life.. that when she's 18 she can have freedom to do all she wants with out your say, and by that age you were hoping, that youre daughter would understand that hurting your mothers feelings really sucks. that you try and give her things that she likes, even if its not what all the rest of the kids have.. but maybe you have hope that with the teachings and things you taught her, that when she's old enough she can go out on her own make the right choices, to where she can have all the things she wants. and say no matter what.. i will always be proud of having you. just sometimes things have consequences for you to be able to learn whats wrong and right.....hope this helps.

Angie - posted on 03/04/2012

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Oh I wish I had answers for you but my 14yo son has so surpassed teenage defiance, but this exact situation is what escalated his defiant behavior. The battles I found was 1. most kids probably know more about technology than we do and 2. other parents don't stay on top of what their kids are doing...either don't care (those are the worst) , thought they were on top of things but didn't know it all (this was my category)...or just don't bother to question as long as they are behaving at home for the most part and the grades are staying good.



Insist on being a parent that cares, if she has a facebook, get her login and password (my son had me blocked so if I searched I couldn't find him) and check it along with the messages, if she has email, check it and check the text messages on the ipod.



Find out first what you are dealing with, then be consistent with whatever discipline you choose. Don't worry about being the mean parent...if at 14 she has shown irresponsible internet usage, maybe she needs to wait until she is 15 or 16.



I personally think the times today have become way to accepting and lenient on our young teens and I am worried where this generation's path is going with the exposure to unsupervised internet, TV programs, and video games. Cell phones/texting have become parents communication line and they quit meeting parents and knowing who their kids are hanging out with....Just my thoughts..best of luck to you :)

Dawn - posted on 03/05/2012

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When my girl was 11, I caught her on MySpace. She knew thus was forbidden in no uncertain terms. We discussed (again) internet safety, and the fact that she had made every mistake possible, proving she was not ready for the privilege of social networking. She lost internet usage privileges for a year, unless it was for school, & then her father or I was to be by her side supervising her activity. They are developmentally incapable of predicting consequences of their actions, especially with technology in infantile stages like the internet. If wifi is enabling her to continue to break your rules, secure it and make sure she does not have the password. Set up user accounts for the computers, and restrict what she has to. Learn how to protect her from herself these electronics. Most importantly, make sure she really knows your actions come from a place of great love and protection. We focused on admitting we don't know the exact right way to protect her in regards to the internet, and that if we err, we would prefer it to be on the side of caution than to learn too late after a tragedy. I think she understood out actions were something we were doing FOR her, not to her. Hope that helps you and your family. Good luck :)

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Brandi - posted on 03/13/2012

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I think what you need is an open relationship with your daughter . She is gonna keep sneaking around unless you allow her to tell you what's going on in her life and talk about it . She is 14 it's one of the most akward ages . You are considered a teen but treated like a child . The thing is a open relationship will allow your daughter to confide in you . This way if she gets in major trouble you will be the first one who gets called. For example when she gets her lisence and gets a flat tire or in a car accident she won't hesitate to call you . My daughter and I have that relationship now . She tells me everything and I can keep her away from bad situations like being friends with the wrong crowd,Keep your cool , listen to her. Trust me if not she is gonna get better with sneaking around

Christine - posted on 03/10/2012

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Kind of strange I'd just read this about lying today, but I also have a 14yr old daughter, my youngest, I have a 22yr old son, and a 19yr old daughter as well. Anyways I've always felt extremely strong about the importance of Honesty, because that is the foundation of Trust and without Trust you have nothing to build any kind of relationship on weather it be with a parent, friend, boy or girl friend anyone. But in order to teach a child to tell the truth they have to learn there's a positive thing that comes from it, so with my kids when ever I ask them something and their honest with me I've always made the consequence very light and used what they may of done wrong as an opportunity to Talk with them and teach them something. Sometimes I think we miss those opportunities by just enforcing a punishment which is easier than taking the time to communicate with our children. Bottom line is they have to make a decision that something matters to them and want to change whatever it might be, I learned that when my 19yr old was 13 and started getting bad grades, so I'd ground her but guess what , yup they didn't change till she started to care herself. Well today I decide to ask my 14yr old daughter if she ever tried weed, I see the nervousness in her eyes and my heart sinks cause I'm about to get the truth and I'm almost wishing I wasn't. She says "your weird why would you ask me that?" "who's saying that stuff to you?" I say have you she says..reluctantly..Yes. So now even though I'm upset and wish she hadn't instead of yelling and grounding I sit and talk things over with her and explain my feelings and my concerns. What we both got in that moment was. she got to be honest and not have to carry guilt for lying, she gained more trust and I got a big shock but an opportunity to teach my child something that is very valuable and will be the biggest asset to her as an adult, being an honest person. Cause even though I hated knowing she had tried weed, I know I was her same age the first time I did as well, and I wasn't a bad kid either. I remember my Dad taking me out of public schools because he didn't want me smoking weed so he but me in a Catholic school and guess what happened, I got high at a church dance for the school. So sometimes it doesn't matter what we do kids are still going to be kids,

Tammy Lynn - posted on 03/06/2012

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Thanks Chelsea! What you say triggers a lot of thoughts, about playing one parent against the other. I appreciate your input! :)

Kim - posted on 03/06/2012

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I am curious....Does her father agree and hold the same restrictions? You mentioned she brought the I-touch back into your house. Did her father give it back to her or did she take it without his knowledge and if she took it without his knowledge, what is he doing for her punishment for doing so? It appears there maybe a one sided parenting going on, unless it just wasn't mentioned. We have a child with RAD and had to deal with this child STEALING FRIENDS AND FAMILY Cell phones, even tho she had one, but wanted one that did more than her phone. Now that she is 18 she has a pay as you go phone, the phone does do more but she has to earn her mins. We do restrict her on the computer, she has a kindle and has taken it to school to hook up with their wifi...Kids will do anything and unfortunately they think they are beyond getting hurt, used, taken, etc. I hope your daughters father is parenting with you and NOT leaving you to handle the hardships that come along with raising a Tech Generation child. Simply because you can be the best mother, example for your child to learn from and without the support of the other parent in rules, morals etc, you will still have Mountains to climb. Wishing you the very best!



Kim

Angie - posted on 03/05/2012

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No problem..I've learned a lot of mine by trial and error, struggling to stay 2 steps ahead of him, when I needed to be 10 steps ahead of him, when in actuality I was 20 steps behind him..lol..I was so psyched when I hacked his facebook, but on the downside, what I found was super scary and when I realized how bad it was. So if any other parent can get any help from my experiences or get a handle on it beforehand, it's worth it because I wouldn't want any parent to be traveling my path right now...best of luck to you :)

Tammy Lynn - posted on 03/05/2012

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Thank you for your lessons! I have so much to learn! I really appreciate your time in doing this! :) God bless you!

Tammy Lynn - posted on 03/05/2012

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Thanks Dawn! My daughter is very intelligent, which is good (and bad). She is very good a deceiving. Very frustrating! Thanks for your advice!

Tammy Lynn - posted on 03/05/2012

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Thanks Angie, this was very helpful! I have restricted her from priveliges hanging out with friends, no computer usage for a full month. Ultimately, I told her my trust in her is gone. Now, she will have to re-build it... and it won't be easy.

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