at a loss

Missy - posted on 05/29/2010

As parents we are responsible for giving our kids 2 things: roots and wings.



By sheltering her ('I've tried to keep things the same as much as possible") remember that she is losing a huge learning opportunity....wings. As parents, we need to teach our kids how to survive in the world; how to cope; how to act, etc. Sometimes the best lessons are failures.



Remember when she learned to walk? You didn't try to keep her from walking because she might fall and hurt herself did you? Likely what you did was encourage the new experience, hold her hands to gently GUIDE her and teach her how to do it. I'm assuming you didn't keep her away from other young "walkers" so she wouldn't have to see those changes, right? This is a very simplistic example, obviously; but try to look at it from a different angle.



This situation isn't too different, is it? Isn't it best that she experience these things while she is still with you, so you can guide her throught the maze? Denying her the experience of our imperfect world is to deny her learning to get through it and being proud of herself when she does it herself! She's not a baby anymore Mom.



Another thought that crossed my mind when I read your comment about having to spend more time with her than the others: deep down, she may be feeling that you don't trust her as a human being; you don't trust her to succeed without you. Maybe less is more in this situation? Maybe less will give her the confidence she needs and wants.

Cassandra - posted on 05/25/2010

Tami, I thought the same thing. I said to my best friend that maybe me not dating all this time wasn't necessarily a good thing. I feel like I'm being a good parent, but when she tells me I make her depressed and she hates her life it makes me question myself.

I worry about the changes and I've tried to keep things as much the same as possible and have told her that I would never just up and move and yank her out of her school and away from her friends.

I've compromised with her to try to keep her happy but she seems to want everything to be her way or she's going to make life hell. Pretty much her words. I knew the teen years were coming but I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought, lol, and EVERYONE's advice has been great. Makes me feel like I'm not the horrible person my daughter is trying to make me out to be.

Tami - posted on 05/21/2010

just thinking out loud here, but since you haven't dated for 8 years, she probably doesn't know what to think... maybe scared of what will change? I'd try to see what's she's afraid of, they have a tendancy to lash out when they're not comfortable with something. Keep in mind that she will pay attention to your actions, like bending over backwards... stand up and be the woman you know you can be, and maybe someday she'll see that and respect that. Some of it may be about control as well, it's not selfish to want to be happy, and if she see's a man treating you with respect AND you treating yourself with respect, she will learn that's what a real relationship can be. It's tough. We always want to give our kids everything they want, and sometimes that's just not what's best. I agree, you'll get through it. good luck and God bless

Toni - posted on 05/21/2010

Cassandra, you got this. You know she is a moody teenager, at that age, too old to play with young ones, too young to play with the older ones, 13 is a rough age to be, but she will survive, because of YOU!!! It sounds like you are a great mom, she knows this and you know this. I think you know what you have to do, just like you said, don't put up with disrespect, it's your house, your the momma, stand strong. AND you know you spoil your kids, and take very good care of your kids. They are your kids...lol But, I do think you need to focus on YOU a little more, be kind to your body and mind. You can't take care of your kids or date if your dead. I had to learn this after my divorce, if I am not healthy and feeling good about myself how in the world do I expect my kids to be. Teenagers can be difficult, I have survived one, and I have another just going into his teens..This is going to be a bumpy ride...lol Good luck and God bless and remember, if God brought you to it, he will bring you through it.

Cassandra - posted on 05/20/2010

Thanks everyone. I guess looking back the fact that I NEVER dated over the past 8 years didn't help them get used to the fact that I would be with someone someday. I guess just the fact that I lost the closeness with her that I used to have and I'm the enemy just drives me nuts.
It's funny you say I do too much Tracey. My family and boyfriend say the same thing. I do believe in giving her space because I know she's growing and needs privacy and time with her friends, which I allow, as long as I know the parents.
We've done the chores thing too, but they never seem to care that they aren't earning money for dances or makeup or jewelry. Go figure. I know I'm not the first or the only person dealing with a moody mouthy 13 year old, but it still is a shock to the system that my sweetheart has taken a hike and this girl is here now.
I was the same way with my mom Leslie. As a matter of fact, lol, I was with my mom this past weekend and apologized to her for being a rotten teenager. Thank you everyone for the ears and the advice. It is appreciated. :)

Leslie - posted on 05/19/2010

I was a 13 yr old girl once with a mom dating a new guy. I hated him (never mind the fact that he was really a nice guy). I was just 13 and I loved my real dad. He never once tried to replace my dad or anything. I was just 13. There's really not a good reason for it.

My mom and I fought all the time. It really had nothing to do with my mom, but I just didn't like the guys that she was dating. When I was younger I didn't really like the man that she married- my now stepfather. I grew up and things changed.

I don't know what to tell you to do except to try to find out what the underlying problem is.

Tracey - posted on 05/19/2010

If doing everything for your daughter makes her miserable let her spend more time alone and don't do so much. She may be feeling stifled and you are worried that you need to do more when in fact you are smothering her not mothering her.

You need some serious Me Time without kids, perferably with Mr Wonderful, and think about your health and getting yourself well. The kids need to accept they are not the centre of the universe and that you are entitled to, and have your own life.

In a few years your kids could be going to college and living away from home, they need to know how to cope by themselves, or are you planning to drive miles to college in the middle of the night when they have a problem?

Your daughter is 13 and sounds like a typical teenager, nothing is going to make her happy when she is in a mood and as Mum you are going to get the blame for everything. You are not doing anything wrong. May I also suggest that instead of buying everything for your kids that you make them earn the money to buy them by doing chores. A teen told to do the cleaning soon decides they were happy before, and when they see how much you have to do they might appreciate you more.

Cassandra - posted on 05/19/2010

I do more alone stuff with her than my other two. Her and I have ALWAYS been close. She has just decided the past few months that I'm the enemy and that nothing I do or say is right. I think she expects me to be ok with however she acts and talks just because she's going through some things. I try to be understanding but I also explain to her that I am her mother and that I will not take her being disrespectful. I've talked and talked to her. Matter of fact when she came back we sat down and I had a one on one talk with her about everything. I told her I would be willing to try to work on not "yelling" (what she calls being strict) at her all the time if she works on the attitude and being disrespectful. Thanks for the tips :)

Louise - posted on 05/19/2010

I think you need just to make a regular date with your daughter where you go out say for a meal or to have your nails done. This will lead to you chatting away from the house and hopefully she will open up to you and tell her what is going on in her life. She is in the midst of puberty so you will have to excuse the outbursts she is going through a lot right now. Try having an adult conversation with her and tell her that you will always be there for her to talk. If she knows there is a date coming up for just the two of you where she has your full attention she may be inclined to talk more. As for the new man in your life he will just have to understand that this is really difficult for your daughter and keep his distance until she is ready to accept him being around. Tell him to not try and talk her around just be himself. Teenagers want time with parents as they have alot of anger and bodily changes going on and they just don't know how to handle it. Good luck