Birds and the Bees

Tania - posted on 12/22/2008 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My daughter just turned 13 yrs old. Lately many people have been asking if I have had the "birds and the bees" conversation with her yet. I'm terrified and don't even know where to begin! Can any other mom's of teens offer some advice on how to approach the conversation or some resources on reading material? Many thanks!

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Dawn - posted on 01/06/2009

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At 13 she is already informed about sex by her friends at school. It is your job as her parent to make sure she is well  informed. You would be surprised what misconceptions kids have about sex. PLEASE stop being afraid to talk to her. What is there to be afraid of by communicating with your child? If you show her you are afraid she will be less likely to come to you later. "The" talk should be an ongoing talk. Every chance I get I open the door to talking to my daughters. A ride alone in the car with your daughter, a late nite up by yourselves or a planned day together.... make it happen! Good Luck!

[deleted account]

Have this conversation the soon vs later. I am blatantly honest with my daughter and have been from the get go. I guarantee that she knows way more than you think and it is better that you set her straight now with the facts than pay some unnescessary consequences later. Start with something not to emberassing and as you go it will get easier to talk about. Perhaps you could discuss what she thinks goes into caring for a new baby first? My neighbor had two babies after moving in and my daughter has watched the neighbor's two older kids care for them and give up play and freedom to do so to help their mom .... BIG eye opener.

Good luck ... I see lots of good advice in this string so I won't repeat.

User - posted on 12/29/2008

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I've had the talk with my daughter(now 15) but I think the best part was when she was 11.5 years and witnessed the birth of her brother. Scared her, perhaps but it seems to be holding her off of 'doing much' with her boyfriend. Also she sees how much of a handful the liilte guy is. I have my ways of knowing things that go on when I'm not around and things seem to be okay. Books are a great start get her to read them and then talk about the book after. Again she does know more then you think.

[deleted account]

My kids (son 23 & daughter 14) talk to me about anything and everything. Trying to force a conversation about some issues that my daughter was uncomfortable with just got her to "lawyer up" and shut up...lol. I find books are a good way in until she's comfortable. I am truly my kids best friends and comfort zone. My son was having a bad day at work on Saturday and called on his break "just to hear my voice". Although my daughter has been sleeping over her best friends house for the last two nights, she spent some time on the computer yesterday with me, just goofing around...lol. She actually called me on the phone to get back on the computer when I didn't return after I went to get my coffee...lol. The important thing is to be ready to drop everything WHEN they want to talk, and to be a good LISTENER (they don't always want your opinion). If they want your "help" they'll ask.

My son has actually had conversations with me about things that made ME squirm...lol. My best friend is always asking ME to talk to HER daughter because she doesn't know how to communicate with her. I feel bad for the both of them, because I feel like its such a precious part of our growing relationships. Communicating keeps families together, long after the kids have moved out. My son doesn't live at home anymore, but I think its a relief for him when he can come "home" to spill his guts...lol. Relationships are always changing, even our marriages grow, so good luck with your journey.

Nicole - posted on 12/28/2008

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since my daughter is the oldest of 4 she asked at a rather early age where she got the very basic basics..over the years I have added on to what she already knows although I am sure she thinks she knows it all **sigh, teenagers ** a great book that she really liked and so did I was the American Girl "The Care and Keeping of Me" we read it together and she post noted pages she wanted more clarification on.

Vicki - posted on 12/27/2008

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I think it is important to be able to discuss sex with them. A book is a good ice breaker but not a substitute for a parent (neither is the school!) I use a book as the framework for the discussion. Also, it is easier if your discuss sexual issues with your teen in a casual everyday type of conversation. You don't necessarily have to give the entire sex and reproduction spill in a formal sit down "talk". Besides, being able to discuss it in casual conversation will help her/him to be able to bring up the topic with you when they have questions if they sense that the topic is no big deal.

Suzanne - posted on 12/25/2008

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Dont be scared. Believe me she probably knows more than you think! Anyway i bought my daughter and god daughter a book on puberty and such from barnes and nobles. Look in the young adult section. They are written well with photos and teenage issues. Just tell her you are growing up now and I know you see alot of changes in your body and even in your feelings. I bought this book for you. You can look it over yourself or we can do it together. And you are free to ask me anything. This is better than letting her experiment and finding things out for herself!

Sivan - posted on 12/23/2008

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PLEASE DO NOT be afraid of 'the talk.' My mom never had it with me, and my dad attempted it when I was almost 18! I had it with my stepdaughter at 13 and as long as you keep a comfortable tone, that you ask her open-ended questions, and even what did she learn from school, you'll keep a better communication line open. FYI be prepared for some shock over what her friends may have convinced her to be the truth. Books were my husband's way of teaching her, but I like talking, and that's probably why, at almost 17, she still comes to talk to me about feelings for boys, and her belief of abstinence (I'm so PROUD), and her father can't say "sex" in her earshot without turning bright red.

[deleted account]

There are some awesome books for her age group from Chapters. There are books that are like questionnaires. My daughter really enjoyed those, and I learned alot about my daughter too. BOOKS! Its easier than everybody squirming around trying to figure out what and how much to say...lol. That way she feels "in control" of the "learning about herself" too. Good Luck.

Eileen - posted on 12/22/2008

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Hi Tania,

Well, I do not know if I can help, but here goes... At this age she more than likely knows everything there is to know... from her perspective. You might want to take her out and have chat with her. (Do you have other children? If not then going out might not be necessary.) Most girls at this age know quite a bit so a major discussion probably isn't even necessary. The other thing is (depending on which country you live in...) the schools teach our kids these things. Our 12 and 13 yr olds had a nurse come in earlier this year and had 'the chat ' with them. I have two step-daughters, and from casually chatting to them discovered that they know quite a bit.

Hope this is of some help to you. Merry Christmas!

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