BITCHY, disrespectful, selfish, rude 15 year old daughter?

Tonya - posted on 01/02/2013

I have a daughter just like that, but she isn't on the honor role. She got out of band and any other school functions when she started 10th grade. It is just her and me and I cant get her to help me around the house much or do her laundy. She cusses and all her friends do too. I am a single mom and she doesn't want me to be in a relationship, she just wants it to be me and her. She has no respect for me and she is so unappreciative. She has alot of things for her age, but her other friends have more and most of their parents are married. My ex is an alocoholic and is no help with her at all. It's all about his friends. At least he has a good job and I get child support. I recently got another job and I was commuting 42 miles one way to a job, but had to quit there is just no way, a single mom living in a small town with no family in that town to help me take my daughter to and from school. I have been cleaning houses for forever and I have no health insurance, no savings and no retirement. She graduates in 2 1/2 more years and then I can move. I am trying to stay in this town for her because all her friends are here, but there is nothing hear for my in this town. I live in a twon less than 3000 people and it is very hard to get a good job here if you are not bi-lingual. I also only went to a business school. I have no college degree. All my family lives near Fort Worth, but the way the economy is I may have to move to Fort Worth and get help from my parents. I am so depressed. I want a good job here in this town. I want a love life. I want my daughter to work with me. To let us work together instead of against each other. I want her to love me and appreciate all that I do for her and I would like for her to want me to meet a good man and be heppy for me instead of being so neggative. Any help ful hints out there?

Jennifer - posted on 01/01/2013

I am a single mom of a 15 year old daughter. When my daughter was 3, her dad and I split up and I was the main person taking care of her. He chose to spend approx. 5 hrs a week with her up until she was 11, when he decided that he wanted to take on having her spend time at his house so he wouldn't have to pay child support. My daughter and I had always had a close relationship, but recently, she has been so incredibly rude and disrespectful! Her dad can do no wrong, but I am always the bad guy! Are there any other single moms that have this situation where you are the enemy and dad is always the good guy? I tried to make sure she had a good Christmas and got her things that she wanted and still, she treats me horribly. I called to say Hi to her today when she was at his house and see how her day was and she was very short with me and said I bother her! It was so rude and I was so hurt.She has a chip on her shoulder toward me all the time! I went in her room and took away the gifts I got her and she will have to earn them back by showing respect. Is that the right thing to do? I miss my daughter I used to have!

Deanna - posted on 01/01/2013

Sounds VERY familiar....15 was the worst!! She's now almost 18...still has some attitude issues, but not as bad. All I can say is...pick your battles, try to keep your cool around her and try not to let her see just how frustrated she makes you (I think that only gives them justification for her being rude), and, as Ive been told a million times.. You will get through this!! Teen years with a girl suck!! Bite your tongue, often...You dont want to say things in the heat of the moment that you may regret and she may never forget!! Try having one on one time with each of your girls, and keep it light-hearted, dont bring up the bad stuff. They may all be competing for your attention in their own ways! Oh and one more thing! When they do or say something good, no matter how big or small... Make a big deal about it and Praise them up and down! Hope some of this helps or at least reassures you!! Chances are you are doing everything right, just remember YOU too are only human!! Hang in there mom!!

Robin - posted on 12/31/2012

Catherine, I was thinking about you over the holiday. How did your Christmas go with your daughter?
Robin

Catherine - posted on 12/30/2012

@ Contributer Advisor :

I am a mother of raging teenage girl. This blog allows me to let go of some of my anger and disbelief that I have towards my 15 year old. I am realising that I am not the only one going through this, and that I am not going crazy thinking that I did something terribly wrong while raising my daughter. I am NOT saying that my daughter is a Bitch nor are any other of the mothers posting here, we are simply refering to their "bitchy" attitude, so please dont concern yourself on the swear words as there AREN'T any on this Blog's title. You must obviously have the most perfect, non moody and obidient children in the world to write what you did. For me personally short of abusing my child WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN I am unable to control her whatsoever. You should look back and really read every post that every parent has written here ... You'll see that we are actually trying ...Just so you know, she has lost absolutly everything, cell, previliege to go out ext.. I have spent time with her at the mall and whatnot and NOTHING seems to work her attitude is as bad and she is as bitchy as ever. So please do share your secrets as to how YOU are able to control, so effectively ,what your children do.

Tracy - posted on 12/30/2012

Seems like this is the way the next generation is treating their families. I am going through the same thing but have actually been dealing with my 19 yr old who is out of the house and resents me for trying to raise her right. Coming from separated parents, She could always run to Daddy who would make me look like the evil bitch and let her do whatever she wanted, which ultamately left her pregnant at 18 yrs old. I have been feauding all year with her and her fat boyfriend who doesnt hold a job, and much less else they provide a filthy home for my grandaughter who is eating cigarette butts out of the ashtrays. It says in the Bible the end of times, families will rise up against eachother and loved ones disappear. my older daughters are selfish and don't care about anyone except for what they can get out of ppl.

They are both 18 and 19 now. I wish I would have spent more time showing them how to give back and be good ppl but I was always working. Children need more time from their parents and arent getting it!! Thats the biggest problem out there. These kids have no up bringing!

Sian Hannabell - posted on 12/28/2012

preted like she right and then she will realise how wrong she is

Contributer - posted on 12/27/2012

this is called looking after your whole family meaning their different problems, desires etc. you should listen to every desire or problem of your daughter so that she can have wonderful memories when she gets married one day, after all daughters have to sadly leave their maternal home one day because only daughters have the strength to take a responsibility of their future in-laws as well as their own life.
a mother in one hand shouldn't really go shouting help and that i am fed up of my daughter instead of dealing with her teenage times- maybe by taking her to shopping, being loving and caring or at least maybe just be a bit natural and easy. i mean, if a mother can't control a thing resulting in father and little brothers and sisters shouting at a teenage girl then what values and respect will the rest of family will learn to look after relationships in the future.
EVERYDAY FIGHTS OF MUM AND DAUGHTER CAN LEAD THE WHOLE FAMILY BEING UNCARING AND UNFAIR TO TEENAGE GIRLS MAKING THEM FEEL ALONE, MAKING A BAD WEAK EXAMPLE OF MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP. I DON'T KNOW BUT MAYBE THIS CAN GIVE MEN AND BOYS CHANCE TO BE DISRESPECTFUL, JUST BECAUSE OF TOO MUCH CHILDISH ANGER. i beg everyone, please be natural, easy and caring, the today's society can only teach us to blame and hate daughters/girls feeling superior, rather than helping people to make strong relationship and better respect between mothers and daughter, between all women and girls, giving whole family-dad, sons, daughter good important values to make just a good example.
IF PARENTS LOSE CONTROL AND CAN'T BE A HOPE THEN WHO WILL HANDLE WHOLE FAMILY, MORE IMPORTANTLY MOTHERS. I AM WORRIED ABOUT THE TITLE WITH THAT SWEAR WORD.

Robin - posted on 12/24/2012

Joy, Catherine, Naheed and all the rest of us with teenage daughters, take a deep breath and repeat "she will grow out of this stage, she's got to grow out of this stage". If my daughter remains like this into adulthood, I fear I will not have a good relationship with her. I don't think it's what we've done wrong. We have all nurtured and loved our daughters yet they act as though they are the center of the universe. My brother jokes that children are the ultimate narcissists. My son doesn't behave this way so I wonder if the hormones are way more ramped up in our daughters and cause them to act this way. My idea, for now, is to be busy. Focus on my needs, take a class or get exercise and avoid the confrontations as they only seem to fuel her wrath. Also, instead of confronting her in person, I text her. It seems to work as she is less likely to explode via text. I keep my demands clear and simple. If she treats me like dirt, she will lose privileges. No bargaining. I put it in a text message and if she yells at me, I text her that I do not deserve to be treated that way. Somehow this is working because we avoid the anger and negative confrontations.

Catherine - posted on 12/24/2012

We are now Christmas tomorrow and I got personalised gifts for all 3 of my girls. 2 pre-teens and my 15 year old. Of course I am now the enimy for whatever reason, my 15 year old, now thinks and is treating me like the worst scum of the world. I do not know what to do with her, and I know that even though I spent a good deal of time on her gifts that she's going to bad mouth all of them, even though they are exactly what she wants, and ruin christmas for my other two girls and myself and my partner. I don't know what to do. Do I give her the gifts and just ignore her reactions? or do I tell her that she has none this year because of her horrendous attitude. Last night at my parents with my whole family present, she pushed me away violently and told me to not F**ck** touch her. I couldn't believe that she had said that. I was so embarrased. . . . I am at the end of my rope .. I don't know what to do .. I know that tomorrow is going to be hell and that of course the younger two are going to want to follow suit and be like her and not like their presents...

Naheed - posted on 12/22/2012

Oh my god. I'm not alone!!!! I'm not a monster (my 15 year old daughter thinks Iam) . After I cried my eyes out tonight I found this site. reading other mom's stories I figured that "I am not the only one dealing with this ugly situatin"
Robin: when I read your story, it feels like it's my own . wow

Deanna - posted on 12/21/2012

My answer is IDK...MY way of handling this NOW, with my 17 yr old daughter... Back off and let her be who she needs to be FOR NOW ! I have nearly went crazy trying to find the solution, the right words to reach her and the most effective discipline. I recently went back to school for nursing and Im now working full time, and it has been the best thing I ever did since battling these teen years with her.... Best thing for me...AND for her. Looking back a little, I was getting to be quite obsessed with how SHE was and her behavior...Ive noticed since Ive found other distractions with my own life, forcing me to back off...she has come around a little more.. Shes not perfect.. but I have come to a place where I am more accepting of her ways and, although I do my best to still be aware and stay somewhat on top of it all...Im not hovering over her and constantly battling her with all the little things that used to drive me nuts! These teen years are tough, not only for us but for them too. Just try backing off for a little while...or at least pretend to...(lol). See what happens, she may just realize how much she needs you being there...OR, maybe she will embrace some independence and take more responsibility for her actions, or lack there of... Good Luck Mom! I feel your pain!

Dawna - posted on 12/21/2012

Wow, it is so nice to know I am not alone, this is my 14 year old too!
We seriously just can't deal with her catty attitude and utter disrespect any longer, NOTHING has worked, we have tried every angle and I am starting to believe that she just doesn't care about anyone's feelings or lives as long as she gets to stay the same and not change her behaviour.

appeals to her to please understand we love her, yelling, grounding, no electronics, nothing works

I am exasperated!

Anita - posted on 12/04/2012

ok if this has only started it could be a cry out for affection.. . but that is no reason for her to be the way she is .... have you sat down as a family and talked about your feelings. her feelings and how the whole family is affected by her mood swings and strops. involve her, own your own feelings and tell her... sometimes we think we are talking but the other person is not listening or dose not understand were your coming from . she might not like you at the moment but that is fine your her mum not her friend but its nice to be both it dose not always end up that way. there has to be consiquences to her attitude but you have to listen to her too. she thinks she is an adult with all that goes with it and its an tin line respect is earned so start talking and give her a hug your never too old for a hug and even though your angry with her she is still your little girl making her way in life. home is the only safe place thats why she feel she can leg go there .. good luck

Robin - posted on 11/29/2012

Thank you every one for helping me realize I am not alone in dealing with my volatile and moody, disrespectful daughter. I am trying to teach her to be thoughtful and considerate but she too is in a selfish mode of thinking. It affects our entire family with her mood swings. We are in the process of setting up revised house rules and all of your comments helped. Somedays (many days) she makes me cry because of how mean she can be. I am a "it's a new day" sort of person, and try to put a fresh start on the whole teenaged angst thing, but by the end of the day, I am ready to ship her off to her fathers house because I do not deserve this abuse. My other children see how mean she can get and it affects them too. We tip toe around her so as to not set her off. I sometimes ask myself how I will put up with this for the next 2 1/2 years. Like many of your daughters, she is only nice when she wants something, so I know she has the ability to turn it on and off. She is in therapy, but stonewalls the therapist and says it is a waste of her time and our money. My ex wants to put her in more expensive therapy that is outside of our insurance plan and my daughter wants all sorts of gifts for Christmas. With more therapy out of pocket, I think it will be a lean Christmas. She just doesn't seem to comprehend the repercussions and the effects on the whole family. We have saved for a family vacation to Mexico for our 2 seniors who will be graduating this year and I am wondering whether to cancel it or leave said daughter at home unless she can be nicer to all of us. Of course there are no guarantees once we are on the plane. I just don't want her to ruin it for the rest of us.

Natalee - posted on 11/26/2012

hi

my mums going through the exact same thing at the moment except my sister is so rude, disrespecful, cruel and always putting my mum down to the point i get phone calls in the middle of the night with her crying on the other end. She will call my mum a sl*g, c**t ect ect.



my mum cant take it anymore and i have tried to help but cant take her in as i have a 3 year old daughter to ook after, my mum wantd her to go into care for a while so that it would scare her and make her see what shes got at home, but the SS would not help my mum and havnt helped her properly so far. she is at her wits end and it seems like no one is there to help her except me and i cant do much as when she is being told off she just laughs at me and my mum.



if anyone else is having the same problems i dont know if she is bi polar or has adhd the doctors seem to want to shrug it off all the time.. please please any suggestions for my poor mum before my sister actually drives her to an early grave



nat

Janine - posted on 11/10/2012

I have a 15 year old daughter exactly the same .. she is impossible to deal with .. she is 15 going on 25 .. I can only hope and pray that she "matures" at some point and realizes how she treats her Mom, who tries as hard as I can to understand her, support her in every way possible.

Eileen - posted on 10/26/2012

I am in the exact same boat. I have a 15 yr old only child with ADHD and on medicine and no affection what so ever mean, nasty and disrespectful to me and my husband. Lies all the time.

Does things I would never do. We to church and she just sits there. She needs to find God.

She needs someone else to show her how to be a individual. I have her in Karate and in Sea Cadets and in a private expensive school. She brought home three C's for the first time. I was shocked. She keeps saying she hates this family. I want to run away from it all myself. I too would like help. But all are too expensive. Anyone have any suggestions?

Heathre - posted on 10/16/2012

I bought the series The Total Transformation Program and followed the advice religiously and it was incredibly helpful. My daughter, who was a freshman at the time, was trying to rule my house. On the surface, she looked great excelling in sports and school but at home she was a nightmare.

Starr - posted on 10/16/2012

I think that is just part of the age especially with girls, it's like PMS 24/7 for them. You just have to find a way not to take everything that comes out of her mouth personal. Trust me its hard to do, I'm still working on it every day.



I once heard that god makes babies cute so you can get through the sleepless nights, diapers, tantrums etc. He makes teenagers snotty so its easier for us parents to send them off to college :)

Samantha - posted on 10/15/2012

In reply to Shawnn Lively



My daughter is sitting with me now and she told me that it would not help at all, I agreed 100% when I first read this but then she spoke up, dont treat her like the enemy, treat her like the friend- be cool when talking about boys and friends. If she says something innapropriate try to tell her the right thing but dont TELL her, suggest it, sectretly implant it into her thought train and even if it doesnt show results, it has an effect! Teenagers think waaay too much I know, she lt me read her diary (The non-presonal one) And dont try to find out every little thing going on in their lives, I know when I was a teen I didnt want my mom poking her nose in my "ish", I mean do we want them to know about our private sex lives? No so lets let them have their lives, with appropriate safety measuresbut let them keep secrets!!

Samantha - posted on 10/15/2012

Don't worry about a thing Joy !! It'll pass, I thought my daughter hated me, but she told me after a while that it was just teenage hormones, she's now 17 and we are great friends. She explained to me that when she was in the slightest mood that anything could set it off, and it's true! It's not your fault, I watched her at school and she's a completely different person like an angel and I was so proud of her, then she saw me and was my little devil child again. She said she was a little bit embarrassed to be like that in front of me. I recently found an old video of me as a teenager, I was worse! And so were my friends, I couldn't believe it! But don't worry and dont take it out too hard on her it's just a phase - NB my friend helped me write this, she's an adolescent counselor ;)

Eve - posted on 10/15/2012

I also have three daughter 16, 14 and 13. My eldest daughter is terrible, so disrespectful, selfish and say the most awful things. I have always over compensated when it came to her as her father died when she was 6 months old, but i think that over compensating turned her into a monster. She always see herself as a victim in every situation. She is soooo jealous of her sisters for unjustified reasons. I've tried talking to her, we've been to counselling, i thought she was depressed so i tried medication but she refuses and i would have had to forcibly have her take it. It has really got to the point that it is an verbally abusive relationship on her part. She also has hit me when in a rage. I feel like she is just ruining our lives because she is unhappy. I have tried so hard to make her happy but nothing works. She drains every ounce of energy out of me. Her sister are so tired of her and the worst thing my youngest daughter is trying to mimic some of her behaviors. I have no family where she could go to in the states as my family are in England. SHe will be graduating in January and i want her to go to ENgland for a year with my mother. SHe has told me she will refuse to get on the plane. WHat can i do. I love her so much but really do not like her as a person. Its really making me depressed and i just feel terrible for disliking my daughter....HELP

Tammy - posted on 09/29/2012

I am not sure as to how to help you as my own who is 17 is fine as long as he is getting his way and I am spending on him. Well this past year I purchased a car for him and then it broke .... my car broke.. i am a single mom of four he has no job... not willing to get a job. He is mad due to I can not afford to fix his car and I can not afford home coming this year. He is very rude.... tells where to go and how to get there... I used to blow up but as of late I just walk away. I am tired... walking away helps sometimes. But then there are times I just look at him and think WOW.... and you came of me.... mmmmm... wow soooo not liking what I am seeing. He feels as though I owe him something... I have given all I could and I have been out of work for a while just got a job offer. and will be starting. So excited.. yet he tried to bring that down.. wow... what can I do.. keep ignoring him? Keep remembering it is him not me that is nuts right now. I have been saying NO a lot as of late...and if not no cz he will not listen to that my response is do what ever you want..... his reply..you don't care... ughhhhhh no no I do care but I am tired... I have 3 others right behind him... and to tell you the truth they are tired as well... need help

Taraboss - posted on 06/05/2012

I appreciate Tina Dunlap's input-- especially when you said that "she's trying to figure out who she is and wants to be independent, but also wants to be your little girl".
This makes alot of sense to me and I'm really encouraged by this! Thank you Tina!

Taraboss - posted on 06/05/2012

I can relate to what Joy was saying about her fifteen year old. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I've treated my daughter with love, honesty and respect and haven't asked for much in return and I feel very unappreciated. And she doesn't want any hugs and kisses. People have told me it's just a phase.. I certainly hope so....

Karen - posted on 09/01/2011

let me get this straight.. she is responible, self sufficient, honor student? not a drop out drug addict promiscuous or pregnant teen? AND YOU ARE COMPLAINING? since by your own words you are to busy with the other children to notice her til she is disrespectful count your blessings and give her some attention for how wonderful she is in spite of the neglect

Vanessa - posted on 08/31/2011

My son behaved as your daughter and I relinquished custody to his Dad. He's done a complete about face. Now my younger daughter, 1 yr difference, is secretive and sneaky. I've taken her to a counselor and first time popped up: what are her consequences for her actions? Duh, I had none because I too grew up resentful for not having a childhood or material things and not wanting my children to feel as I did. Bottomline; I've had to learn how to teach my daughter coping and communication skills. I also took time out, every other week, with each child for their one-on-one time. It was very difficult getting into my daughter's head, and remembering my own teenage hood, but I found several teen group, i.e., library, animal cruelty, art workshops, that also helped her gain balance. Perhaps it's time to rotate her current activities, as they're not helping her become well rounded? I also believe that a teenager should both save a portion of their job earnings, as well as pay rent into a joint bank account. The combined requested amounts total about 1/3 of their earnings. This formula helped me learn that nothing in life is free and that I should be prepared, off the top, for a rainy day! It also felt great having this account turned over to me at age 18!

Tina - posted on 08/30/2011

You will have the relationship that you want with your daughter...when she is older. For now, you must be her parent. Later, when she is an adult, she will thank you and maybe apologize. Also, when she had kids, she will come to you. This is all very normal. She is trying to figure out who she is, and although she wants to be independent, she also still wants to be your little girl. Hard time in every girl's life :). Stay the course, stick to your rules and expectations, and allow her to make some of her own choices about activities and stuff. She will resent you if you force her to do things she doesnt want to do. My daughter quit soccer all of the sudden at that age, and she LOVED it as well. Come to find out, some of the girls were being nasty, mean, teenagers and had been making fun of her. It may not have anything to do with the sport! If she truly loves sports, she will miss it and go back when she is ready. Hang in there!

Maria - posted on 08/30/2011

this is just the beginning. i have a 17yr old. this is been going on for years. what i did is start counseling for me and her and it seems to be helping.

Pam - posted on 08/24/2011

We went to counseling for a while and at first my daughter said she wouldn't talk to the counselor. To my surprise she did though. It felt good to talk to a third party and have him listen to us and have him reassure us that basically we were dealing with a normal spoiled teenager. Problem was we had spoiled her and and she had taken advantae of that all this time, now when we wanted to start bringing chores and stricter rules she didn't want to comply. Our 15 yr old has always been naturally talented at sports also and now all of a sudden she doesn't want to play sports and she hates sports. That didn't sit well sith us because we don't want her sitting around watching TV, on her computer or cell phone all the time. That has also been an ongoing argument. She thinks we are sports fanatics and we just want her to be the best she can be and be a well rounded person. Now her sister also is very good at sports but loves it so she always says we favor her but it's not true. My oldest is soo stubborn I can't get her to understand that I too was once a 15 yr old girl and can relate to alot of what she is going thru. She has told me that I want to talk about feelings and everything she is going thru and that she is not going to be that girl. She like to keep everything inside and work it out herself. I'm not going to lie it does hurt that she doesn't feel like she can talk to me, but I have resolved myself to the fact that we may never have that realtionship. I just don't know how to help her get through this part of life without us all fighting so much. Like I said before, it isn't fair to the other two kids in the house. Why does this have to be so hard?? I already went thru my teenage years once?

Dawn - posted on 08/24/2011

I am having the same problem with my 15 yr girl. She's very rude, talks back, won't help out around the house etc. However, with what you have explained above I think part of your daughters problem is that she may have felt left out and invisible so now she's doing anything and everything to get your attention and being bad is the easiest and best way to do that. But keep in mind that some of her attitude really is just being a teenager. Try taking her out to the movies just you two. Try spending some one on one time with her. It's not going to change her overnight but you'll wear her down.

Lori - posted on 08/22/2011

@Pam - reclaim your home! Just like in a corporation, the kids (employees) need direction and guidance... not saying you aren't giving that at this time. We just get caught up in what we need or want, we may forget to communicate it clearly.
I was so mad the other day because my daughter (6) was throwing a balloon in the air when I asked her to get dressed and then I cut my ankle on a box. Of course I was so mad at her -- then realized I was mad at myself for not doing what I needed to do to get everyone in the house on the same page. It is tiring and overwhelming at first, but in the long run the entire family is happy and "running smoothly [almost entirely]"

Deanna - posted on 08/22/2011

Your 18 yr old sounds alot like my 16 yr old!! She also fights w/ her 10 yr old brother, however does not have a head injury...Have you tried Counceling, for the whiole family? All the negativity from the older siblings surly will effect the younger ones....Its never too late to try! Good luck and feel free to keep in touch!

Deanna - posted on 08/22/2011

Have you tried Counseling for her? Does she get enough 1 on 1 attention from you? My daughter is also very disrespectful! She's been diagnosed with ADHD and depression and is in counceling once a week. Everyone says "Oh she's a normal teenager!" But I believe its more than that....Talk to her doctor about possibly testing her for possible depression or such...talk with her, and keep the gate open! Good Luck, I know its very difficult!

Pam - posted on 08/19/2011

Wowreadig these post I feel like I am reading about my own 15 yr.old daughter. My husband and I have reched or breaking point with he. It seems like all weevedo is fight unless she wants something or wants to go somewhere. We feel like we have to walk on egshells around our own home because your nevr know what mood she is in. Then when we do fight with her I feel bad for our oter kids, especially our 12 yr. old daughter, because she's so tired of it. In someway I feel better reading these posts because I realize I'm not alone, but at the same time I don't feel like she should be so disrespectful and rude. I've read where people say they tok everything away and that worked,so I am trying that after this last act if outright disrespect and pure meaniness. Took cell phone,laptop, tv and all of designer clothes.Left her with the basics, will see how it turns out. Probaly hurts me more right now the her.

Tina - posted on 08/17/2011

You may think that what you say goes in one ear and out the other, but it is very different. She hears way more than you think! She wants you to think that she is not listening or is trying to act "cool", but she is thinking about what you said. When you talk to her, make sure that you are doing just that. don't talk at her or down to her. Make sure that you talk with her and listen to what she says. If you want her to listen to you, you must make sure that you listen to her...

Lori - posted on 08/10/2011

Joy - take a deep breath and imagine your relationship with your daughter(s), each one separately. The KEY to mom/daughter relationship success is creating a home-lifestyle that has structure and positive communication.

While working with the families I work with, I find that many times the parents are TELLING the child what to do or say or think rather than ASKING. Adele Faber and Jack Canfield (and many other great authors) discuss the importance of asking about their feelings. For example, "this really seemed to frustrate you, I can see your pain/sadness/frustration." and then wait... she will tell you what is happening inside of her. Remember when our children were 2 or 3, we would tell them to use their words because they would hit/bite/kick when they were mad? Same thing might be happening here. She may not know what to say or how to say it so she screams or slams the door.

The two reasons kids act out (studies show) are #1 they don't feel their parents love them and #2 they don't feel they are listened to. We as parents have those same concerns.

Respect your daughters, don't talk about them to other people (esp. right in front of them) and respect their thoughts. ON THE OTHER HAND - have rules and routines that are "home-life maintenance" rules and routines. They should be giving chores like picking up the bathroom or sweeping the kitchen because "we are keeping the house organized for the family's success." Set goals with your children too! When they have something to reach for, they will succeed in school and sports/extra-curricular.

Lori Ketkar
Help My Tween Succeed Founder

Christine - posted on 08/09/2011

WOW! Teresa... that is great feedback! Something to really thing about.

Teresa - posted on 08/09/2011

Hi Joy,

Your daughter sounds actually like a very normal healthy 15 year old, and of course she is finding out who she is, and everyone else takes a back seat in this stage of her development.



This means that she may appear at times disrespectful and may say or do things which will seem hurtful and rude. This is a time of confusion and learning as she is becoming independant from her parents, and finding out about herself as a adult, although she still needs your guidance and support.



She may feel she is now able to make judgements and decsions for herself. However, as I said this is about her learnig to become an adult part of that process is learning by mistake's and of course she will be making a few of those!



She is also learning that you as her parents will be their with her when the mistakes she makes need sorting.



Her resentment will appear to be aimed at you but most likely she is annoyed and anxuious with herself and the nearest to her will get the fall out of this.



I can understand your anger and frustration but under all this she does to!

Time and patience and staying strong as her parents will give her a sense of security.Knowing you are keeping your boundaries in place will help her to understand herself, and how in time she will still be able to become an adult and have a relationship with you that is both equal but also supportive. good luck

Christine - posted on 08/08/2011

Joy... I can totally relate to you! My 17 year old is exactly how you describe your 15 year old. I get everything your saying as if you're speaking of my life with my daughter! I too find myself banging my head up against a wall asking myself where I went wrong or how do I fix this?! I have 2 daughters, 15 & 17... I've raised them for the majority of their life on my own and although my 15 year old is so kind, caring, thoughtful, respectful "a tad bit lazy though"... my 17 year old isn't at all lazy but displays more often than not disrespect, selfishness & has a "me" "me" "me" attitude.

Don't get me wrong...I have a great relationship with them both for the most. I am told ALL the time how great my kids are but my 17 year old when at home is so unbelievably selfish I often wonder where on earth did this come from?



I've read the majority of the posts on here and I find myself still at a loss because I spend a ton of time with my girls, I've done the whole discipline thing with taken things away, not giving too much and I certainly make them do chores. Both my girls do their own laundry and have daily chores they must do or they aren't able to go anywhere. I'm a single mom so I need all the help I can get!

I've always worked but have done a great job at balancing my work and personal life "thus far". I take my girls to church every Sunday to a church we all really enjoy, we've done volunteer work, we've passed out blankets to the homeless and she's been around others less fortunate then she is so I have no clue as to why she is all about herself, and has this what she wants and when she wants it attitude no matter who she walks all over to get it.

She is kind when she wants something. I sound like I'm talking about a horrible child and yet she isn't at all... she is just very self-centered... my youngest and I aren't so I don't know where she gets this from and how to fix it. Maybe we will both get some good advice on here! My heart goes out to you Joy as I said...I can totally relate! Hopefully they will outgrow this behavior!

Chrissie - posted on 08/04/2011

I have 3 girls ( 19, 18 and 14) and some days I just want to pull my hair out. The 19yr old doesn't live at home, she has some "issues" that I am trying to help her work on. Meaning she has some developmental/learning disabilities and mental heath. She had a baby last year which I have custody of..because of her behaviour she was removed from my home (age of 13) after I was unsucessful at trying everything under the sun to help her (counseling, therapy, one on one time). She was getting suspended from school all the time in gr 6 because of her being physically agressive. She has no education higher than gr 8 (she was in the care of FACS up intil about 3 months ago) My 18yr old has become a real demanding self centered brat the last 8 months (she lives at home) she skips school, lies, steals and can be such a witch at times. She argues with her 10yr old brother and she refuses to do anything to help. She was diagnosed with mild intelectual learning disability due to the head injury she suffered when she was about a year old. My 14yr old is just starting to rebel and get into that "stage" hopefully she will learn from her sisters mistakes

Candace - posted on 08/02/2011

I think you know you kids and your family dynamic best. What you have to do is set boundaries for your children and because of their different personalities respectfully, the rules need to apply respectfully. With the fifteen year old sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Aplologize to her for what you need to, don't apologize for being a mom. Then tlak with her about what's bugging her. Understand her-embrace her; then set some ground rules for you and her moving forward. At fifteen she needs to be respectful, but she needs to feel respected too.

Nicole - posted on 07/28/2011

My lord! If I didnt know netter I would think you are talking about my daughter. My daughter just turned seventeen since she was about 10 she has been unbearable. Mean, rude, uncaring and defining selfish all on her own. I have done everything I can I cant take it. I cant get to a point that her actions dont hurt. She makes it to the point she wants to hurt me and she isnt hiding it. She moved out for seven months and moved back home. I broke my neck and can not work. My husband works as much as he can and she gets pist with even a mention of helping me, her brother or her dad. She says its not her responsibility. She has no appreciation for what family is or defines. She acts like we are strangers that she hates. The only time shes nice is when she wants something. She is applying for a part time job. We are struggling bad due to my husband being out of work for six months, he started work again but everything is racked up. I mentioned to her that I need her to help for a little while til we can get a better balance on our feet and OH NO! you would have thought I asked for a body part. She scowls and glares and says I cant on minimum wage! Plus she wants us to pay for all her stuff! HELP IM SO CLOSE TO TELL HER TO MOVE IN WITH A FRIEND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Shawnn - posted on 07/15/2011

That's alright...I married the "boy who wasn't good enough" 21 years ago,and still going strong...LOL

Nicole - posted on 07/09/2011

lol nah I was the quiet kid that everyone thought was smart or stuck up. Never had a single problem until I started dating 'a boy that wasn't good enough' which he is heehee. She wanted an answer so i gave her my teen bitchy honest answer ;)

Shawnn - posted on 07/07/2011

boy, Nicole, I'm not sure where you are coming from, but why are you bashing on suggestions made by another parent?

Just FYI, but um..well, IMO, you have no clue about teens. Teens in MOST states (not all, but most) can get a job at the age of 14. In fact, it's federal law. So, if she ain’t workin’, she ain’t getting extras. And, no, asking if she contributes to the house or pays for her phone, etc, is not stupid.

“If everything is handed to her…”…You respond “she’s your kid, you’re supposed to give her shit”. Yep, I give my kids SHIT every day. I give them shit about when they’re going to do their CHORES, or take care of their RESPONSIBILITIES. I do NOT give them clothes, computers, phones, games, rides, etc. Those need to be earned…by the aforementioned JOB.

“there is a difference between things you can earn and stuff you should have as a normal teen”…A NORMAL teen…let’s see…so that would be everything under the sun that they demand? Sorry. They can EARN all computer privileges, all phone minutes, all trips to the mall, all rides to movies, their driver’s license, the gas to put in the car…Pretty much EVERYTHING can be earned. As a parent, it is my responsibility to feed and clothe my child, no abuse. HOWEVER, that does not mean that they get designer this, or fashion that. They get basic food needs met, and basic clothing. Everything else they EARN on their own…even as young as 13! (OMG, I am such a hard-ass parent! LOL)

Saying that “you and your teen don’t give a rat’s ass about…” Sorry, but the OP DOES give a “rat’s ass” as you so quaintly express that, otherwise the OP wouldn’t be posting. And, kids can come up with PLENTY to be proud of…just ask them! Mine’s proud that he isn’t getting his DL until he feels he’s going to be a good driver. Won’t even attempt the test until HE is ready. He’s not letting peer pressure get to him. That’s something to be proud of, Nicole…

You don’t understand the question about contributions that the family would be lacking if she didn’t contribute? Let me try to explain: Can she say that she cooked for the entire family last night? If she does cook for the family, but she stopped for whatever reason, the family would be lacking if she gave that up. Get it?

What I get from your post is that you were this very same child. You were bitchy, disrespectful, and everything described. By saying things like “doing chores doesn’t make anyone feel valuable, just makes you wonder why your mom and dad aren’t doing it”…Sorry, but I am not on this earth to be a maid for my kids. If they can’t pick up after themselves and contribute to the house, then they don’t need to live there! I’m not raising a couple of spoiled rotten little brats, I’m trying to raise responsible young adults. You may not know any teens/preteens that are concerned with war or drugs, but I’d have to say that you don’t interact with many, or you just don’t give them credit for being more intelligent than you want to accept. My kids and their friends have absolutely wonderful, in depth conversations about just those issues. They’d rather NOT talk about sex…they both want to wait for that. (Don’t get me wrong, we’ve done the sex talk, they just want to wait)

And, if you think that expecting your kids to be self-reliant, and contribute to society in general is “weird”…well, you’re weird!

Constance - posted on 07/07/2011

The fact that she is self sufficint but has a bad attitude probally stems from you needing to give her other siblings so much time. I know it wasn't something that was intentional. I am also guilty of not dividing my attention with all my kids. I have 2 daughters with disabilities and 4 childen that have been to ell and back on more than one occasion. I do notice after awhile when am dealing with one more than I am with the others ther attitudes suck.

It can be the littlest things that effect them the most. Like the fact that she is self suffient. You know she is going to get it done so you may not be giving her the same positive resonse that you give the other ones. Like grades she does very well and the othr 2 have had struggles so positive response when they get a good grade on their test. If they have been failing the class but a test they worked really hard for and bring home a C you will tell them you are so proud of how they did. When you have one that brings homes A's and B's all the time you my not give the same outward response. You are proud but you may not verbalise it as much.
She does have to have bounderies and if she is going to behave this way there has to be concequenses. I do believe she is actng out so that she gets attention. No matter what kind of atention it is.

Nicole - posted on 07/05/2011

-Why does she even have a computer or phone? Did she get a job and earn the money? Does she pay for it herself? Does she buy her own clothes?
That is the stupidest question. At 15 & for a girl you can not get a job just 'household chores' That's like asking you why you have a computer & phone & whatever else if your a stay at home mom & rely on a husband. Duh. You want to socialize. & clothes really?
-If everything is handed to her, how can she value anything?
Its your kid your suppose to give them shit.

-If she never earns it how can she appreciate it?
There is a difference between things that you can earn and stuff that she should just have to be a 'normal' teen. Going to the movies or mall she can earn the privilege by doing what you ask her to do if she doesn't then touch luck she's not goin anywhere.

-If she didn't work for it, how can she be proud of it?
true, but when your a teen & you don't give a rats ass about anyone or anything there's not much she can be proud of for long. Try asking her if she wants to study for her learners permit then if she does have her try taking the test & have her learn how to drive in an empty parking lot the fear & excitement for her will be amazing & once she gets the hang of it she will be proud & then you can say hey if you do this or that I can let you try driving more. She'll be like sweet! Braging rights on fb!

-So many teens are raised in a world in which they are asked to think only of themselves, not given responsibility, not held accountable ... then blamed for not being accountable or responsible .... does she have chores?
I also believe kids need to have chores. Make parents coffee in the morning & unload the dishwasher b4 school,clear off the table for food, bla bla whatever else.

-Are there contributions she makes that without the family would be less for?
I really dont understand what you just said

Does she volunteer in the community using her skills and talents to help make better the lives of neighbors?
when a teen volunteers in a neighborhood or something its usually only for college credits. Who really gives a crap if the store down the road needs help unloading a truck or something, thats why you hire ppl

-How can she feel valuable as a person if she doesn't do these things?
honestly chores & stuff doesn't make anyone feel 'valuable' if anything it makes them think why dont you do it your a freakin mom & dad. If you want someone to feel valuable try asking how they feel about you'll be surprised what kind of crap your kids keep bottled up & by talking to them it will make them feel like you actually care.

How can she be proud of herself if she does nothing to be proud of?
like i said try the learners permit not only is that a big stepping stone in life she will get to tell her friends & that makes anyone proud.

-If she receives, but never serves, it is a sad and lonely life
your weird.

-Kids are raised with such fear ... drugs, gangs, street crime, addiction, abuse, war ... they hear it all, read about it, are bombarded with it daily .... face book, computers ... so many ways to distance ourselves from others, resulting in increased fear .... rude sassy behavior is about creating distance between yourself and others…
I don't know of anyone (teens or pre-teens) that gives a serious rats ass thought about war or drugs or any other of the stuff you said. Mostly it will be about dating & sex.

Teens contribute nothing, so really have no power, no voice ... they are expected to deal with the stress of the life we throw at them, but not really given tools or support ... just stuff ...
Stuff for a teen helps if you take 'stuff' away that helps nothing they just get pissy & then you have to deal with an even bigger bitch or bastard in the house.

-I had friend years back that sent their teen to South America for a summer to rebuild an orphanage taken out by a storm. The experience changed that kids life!
That sounds like real fun. (sarcasm)

Joy - posted on 07/05/2011

Dawn, I agree with everything you said, but the only possessions I could take away would be her phone & computer. She BARELY watches TV or plays video games & I have tried that, but it didn't seem to work. Also, we always go to consignment stores & outlets before we hit the mall. Thanks for your input.