can anyone help with step parenting advice?

Jayne - posted on 04/18/2012

I've been a step-mum for 25 years Courtney. When they were very small i was just their friend, buying them magazines and cooking nice food for them and we all got along OK. The major problem behind all step-parenting is the mum's attitude when they get home. Their mum never ever (and still to this day) has a good thing to say about me, never thanked their dad for anything at all and now the eldest is 28 years old and has decided that she doesnt want her dad or me in her life because apparently I did too much in her younger days and I was always in the way. I honestly wouldnt change a single thing that I did but she insists that they never wanted me to do any of the things I did. Its hurtful after all these years becuase now is the time that we should all be getting along happily but I know deep down that I have done nothing wrong and they had a good life with us but their mum should be totally ashamed of herself for poisoning their minds against us.

Courtney - posted on 04/17/2012

WOW! Amazing, your story made my day. I try to do exactly what your step mom does. My 26 yo step son is getting married, we have never been close but I made his dad step up and pay for his wedding ( I actually am, but think dad needs credit for it). my 24 yo step daughter bought her first home last year, so i had dad step up and take care of new landscaping, locks, security system etc ( i really paid for it, but think dad needed credit for it). they 9 and 14 year old step daughters are here 1,3, 5 weekend and i always buy them stuff (which i tell them dad did, because i think he needs credit for it).



the only thing that keeps me from going crazy is i love their dad so much and could never ask for a better husband and best friend, i would do anything to make him happy. And i know the number one thing that makes him smile is when his kids are happy!!



I know my husband really tries but, come on, he is a guy. I wonder how he feeds himself sometimes!



and o ya, I am wife #3! So maybe 3 times is a charm!

Courtney - posted on 04/16/2012

I'm a mom to three teenagers so can relate to the self centered aspect of your plea for help! However, I relate more to your seeking support as a daughter of divorce - my father has been married three times and I've had three step-mothers. The first step-mother had two adopted children and an ex-husband - her two boys were about twelve years younger than I. They were spoiled rotten and even I, at the beginning of my pre-teen years couldn't even handle it! My father ended up divorcing her not only because he just couldn't handle having absolutely no control over their abusive behavior but also because he was a man in love with a woman who put him last.



His second wife was a younger woman. She was only eight years older than I was, and I was sixteen. Couple a 16 year old girl who lives full time with her father, absent a mother, with a young step mom who has absolutely NO experience with teenage girls or parenting or even marriage ... and you get - oh yes, DISASTER! lol Looking back, now, so many years later - I actually truly feel bad for what she went through. She had no idea what she'd signed on for. While I lived full time with my dad .. I also had 3 younger siblings who visited once a month and were all younger than me. It was CHAOS on her. We all hated her. Not because of who she was, but because she was married to our daddy and we wanted ALL of his attention. I did terrible things to her. I stole her car once and went for a joyride, I put all of her vitamins down the disposal, I even got into a physical confrontation with her. My father divorced her several months after. He grieved, I learned later on, for years. He truly loved her - but chose me over her. I needed him more than he needed her at the time and he resigned himself to that.



Then, he married again when I was nineteen. I was out on my own, and married myself at this time but that didn't stop me from harboring ill feelings towards wife number 3. She was beautiful, young, blond, and carefree and she made my dad happier than I ever could. For that reason alone ... I resented her. For the next eight years regardless of how harshly I would treat her or how cold I was to her - she loved me. She remembered my birthday. She remembered my children's birthday's. She always called to check in on me. She made every event special, even if by sending presents via mail. She always planned our get together's and made everything splendid. I never gave her any credit. Never any thanks. Then one evening when I was about 26 years old I have a breakdown. I got angry. The root reasons for a lot of my internal struggles came to pass ... and while on the phone with her I let it all go. I told her about the abuse i'd suffered growing up by the hands of my father's brother and how angry I was at my father for not protecting me.. for not doing anything about it ... for putting other people first instead of his own daughter.



She grew quiet and then said, "I get it now. Stay by the phone. I'll call you back."



I hung up angry. Sat, right there on the cold hard floor of my kitchen and bawled and screamed like never before. Ten minutes later, the phone rang.



It was my father. He simply said, "I've booked a flight. Lands in three days. I'll be at the airport, United gate at 4:53pm. Ill be the father hoping his daughter can forgive him."



It was that moment I loved my step mother. When she realized, for the first time, that my actions and behaviors had nothing to do with her and her efforts and everything to do with my needing my father to love me.



I am closer now to her than I am my biological mother. I call her mom. And I've spent every day since that day working so hard to be the daughter that she deserves.



In my own experience, a step-mom's best course of action is in the way she loves her husband enough to love his children for exactly who they are and what they need. When I first began having issues with my oldest teenager I called her first, "How in the WORLD did you survive me??? I am SO SO SORRY, and I love you so much!"



She kind of half laughed into the phone and said, "For all those years it wasn't about me - because I loved your father enough to do whatever it took for both of you to be okay with one another. Now, I can honestly say ... you were and are worth every second of it - because as it turns out .. I got a daughter in the deal. And I really adore her."



Because of my step-mother I had the courage to admit what I needed from my father. And because of my step-mother ... my father finally understood how to give what I needed. The day his plane landed - and he held me in his arms and let me cry ... when he broke down and told me how sorry he was for failing me ... I got my daddy back. I found myself again. And we could heal.



Step-mom's have a precious gift of insight that, when presented in the right ways, in the right moments .. have the power to heal and unite broken hearts. That's what mine did for me.



I hope my story lends some light to your journey - may your days of mommy-hood be blessed and the relationship you treasure with your beloved spouse blossom beyond your wildest dreams.



Let's just say ... wife #3 was the last one. :) And she's been the mom I always wanted ever since.



I even hang up my wet towel, and help with the dishes when I go and visit. :)

Courtney - posted on 04/16/2012

the boys do respect their step dad, and we did sit everyone down and talk in the begining and discussed everything. It seems like my step daughters are acting out because of thigs going on at their mothers house. Their mom remarried back in december and thats when things started getting bad. But, i dont know how to get my husband to step up and handle the issues. He makes excuses for the girls behavior.

Shawnn - posted on 04/16/2012

Well, do your kids respect their step father?

It's a two way street. Both sets of kids should have been set down at the beginning, and expectations explained. If this was done, and they aren't following thru, then you start taking privileges just as you said you would when you gave them the expectations. If you didn't set them down at the beginning, then I'd suggest a full family meeting soon...to get everyone on the same page.

Best of luck, but it seems that you may be behind the ball as it were...If he starts picking apart your kids when confronted about his, seems to me like there may be some respect issues on both ends.

Courtney - posted on 04/15/2012

I have talked to him till im blue in the face. His 26 year old son just now moved out in feb, only because the 26 year old moved a girl in and she started 3 different fires in our house and i finally had to make my husband chose between the 26 year old and his girlfriend moving or a divorce. The 24 year old step daughter lives on her own and is successful, so no problems there. Now we just have the 14 year old and 9 year old girls 1st 3rd and 5th weekends. Its not that they are "bad" kids. My issue is they are lazy and gross. They act like everyone owes them everything. They wont even put away their clean laundry. I tell my husband and he says he will do it. He does not get the point, the point is if I ask for something to be done they need to do it. He makes excuses for them then starts picking apart my kids. I have 3 boys and I am well aware they are not perfect.

Heather - posted on 04/14/2012

have u tried talking to him about it? He needs to understand that even as a stepmom, when you expect your stepkids to do things and be respectful, and your husband should make them respect you. I have the same problem, and i told my kids that you need to respect your stepfather in the same way that you respect me. If your husband doesnt ensure they listen to you than that will lead to problems between the 2 of you, my hubby and i argue alot because my daughter wont listen to my husband at all.