Can't cope with my teenage boy!!!!!!!

Samantha - posted on 05/29/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My son who is almost 15, is driving us crazy. Sometimes I feel like I don't even like him, never mind love him, then I feel guilty for thinking that! Like most males he has to have the last word, he argues about absolutely everything, I swear he'd argue black was white just for the arguement! He takes forever to do anything he's been asked to do and moans about doing it. And everythings is all about him, me me me! I have older daughters (twins) aged almost 20, and they were so different. even they tell him just to shut up, listen and do as he's told. Also have a younger daughter aged 8, he's taking all the attention from her all the time. I've tried every tactic I can think of, but anything only lasts a couple of days then back to normal. He's not a naughty kid, just doesn't know when to shut his gob! He's probably just a normal teenage boy, but how do I stop myself from murdering him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!

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Judy - posted on 05/29/2009

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Take care of yourself.........detach. Keep getting outside support like you are doing now. I understand your frustration. It sounds like he is strong willed, like my son........which has positives and negatives. The positives are than he won't easily allow others to walk all over him and can grow up and question traditional norms....and be a leader/make a difference in this world. The negatives are that if he continues to allow his emotions (anger, resentment, feelings of powerlessness) to rule him, he may get stuck in "victim" mode and always be a whiner/complainer...instead of taking action to solve his problems. This is where you can be his teacher/role model. I dont know that he is the "average" teenage boy or that it is a gender thing, because there are teenage boys who "shut up and do as their told". There are also teenage girls who argue and complain. I am sure part of it is temperament. You are not alone in being frustrated, because I too have felt the same way about my teenage son (who is 15 1/2 years old). The important part of your feelings......is that they are just feelings and they are perfectly normal.....there is no wrong or right. It is the thought and actions that come after the feelings that are important. When you are feeling negative feelings it is extremely important that you recognize how frustrated/angry, or whatever you are feeling and do something nice for yourself. Walk away from your son, he isn't going anywhere. Figure out what is going on with you and why he gets you so frustrated and what you can do about it. Then when you do talk to him, try to help him understand his feelings and what he can do about it. If you felt that he treated you disrespectfully, then you need to let him know that and that it is not okay to treat you that way (e.g. argue with you, etc.), but also help him to learn to communicate with you when he is feeling unhappy. Complaining is a sign of dissatisfaction and part of him just want to be heard and validated (""I know it sucks, but we all have to do our part"). Just as you are entitled to your feelings, so is he. Also, when he is done with his chore or even practicing new coping skills, you may have to validate him/praise him for what a good job he has done. That could be a gender thing.....males like to feel appreciated (positive reinforcement). Sometimes we are so busy, that we may not do that enough. As a mom, I know that I feel bad and can feel responsible if my child is unhappy. However, I am not responsible for his happiness, as he is not responsible for mine. This can be a learning process for both of you, but it will be a process. You will have good days and bad, because both of you have a pattern. But hopefully over time, things will get better. I hope that helps, and if not, I hope someone else posts something that makes better sense. Good Luck!

Maria - posted on 05/29/2009

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Shelly is right. Sometimes, we need a strong male role model to put him in his place. My 17 yo is going through the same thing as your 15 yo, and to keep my sanity, I try to walk away or count to myself slowly up to 10, but there are times when these don't work. I think it's because we have similar temperament and personally, even with books to tell us how to cope with our kids, it's always an on-the-job training! Still, Judy also made a point. Whether we (our kids and us, parents) want it or not, they want to be heard and we need to learn to listen. On the flip side, we all need to vent sometimes to get it out of our system! LOL As long as we learn to let go afterwards and still let them know that we love them.

Chris - posted on 06/01/2009

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i have an 18yr old, and we have had some tough times with him. my advice would be to pick your fights carefully. you have to learn to bite your tongue and walk away. my son was the same, and i still have to wait several days for him to do a chore for me. if u argue with him for every little thing, it not only makes both your lives a misery but he wont understand when it is that you are being serious, because hes that used to arguing about the smallest thing.

the good news is that it passes after a few years!!! lol

my son is now able to converse with me in an adult manner without the teenage fit!!

RaeAnn - posted on 05/30/2009

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I feel you pain! You pretty much summed up what my husband and I have been going through since our son Matt turned 13. He's now going on 16 and things just kept going down hill. Staying calm is a big help even though it's hard and you just want to pop their heads off like dandilions. Try to understand were he's coming from keep the communication lines open without repercussions. Think back to when you were a kid and how hard everything seemed to you(???). Hormones play havoc with all teenagers and sometimes they don't even know. I wish I had a positive outcome for you, but we finally had to enroll Matt in a special camp for children with out of control behavior. At that point he had started assulting students and teachers and tried the same with the family to get his way. The counsellors there said 50% just have to see the camp and what type of environment they will be entering and that's enough to straighten them out. The other 50% like Matt have to be enrolled. It was a big help for us because they are more equipped to deal with his issues and it took him out of the picture so we could deal with the damage to the rest of the family. Be strong, take heart and remember they all grow out of it eventually.

Lori - posted on 05/29/2009

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Judy Z has excellent advice - ditto everything she said, I couldn't have said it better!!



You love your son - but of course there will be times when you don't like him very much!! That's the normal human interpersonal condition - just because he's related to you does not make him exempt!!



I will only further say that it takes two people to argue - so if one of you is not there, it ends pretty quickly! ;-) I learned when I had to walk away - calmly and rationally, with a word to my girls along the lines of, "I don't think we are communicating with each other very effectively at the moment, and so, in an effort to not makes things worse, I'm going to go away and think about things, and come back to talk to you again when I feel like I can better understand you." And then I leave - and usually go for a drive, at which time I yell and curse and scream all the IRRATIONAL and emotional things that I FEEL - but don't really want to inflict!! =D



Rants are good for the soul! Don't worry - he will outgrow it (assuming you let him live!! =D)

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Casey - posted on 05/14/2014

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I would love to know how your son is five years later. I just came upon this since I am now dealing with the same type of behavior from my 15 he old. Did he grow out of it??

Yusra - posted on 09/13/2012

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Hi.My son is a nagger and his always challenging me with every single thing,from dressing to brushing his teeth.It's very frustating cause his father works away most of the year so it's just me dealing with him.He refuses to do anything chores,i hve to ask him 100 times to do his homework.His 13yrs old and is happy all of the tym,he loves sports and everyone loves him cause his very well behaved with evryone else he just seems to provke me all of the tym lol.I just feel that i'm always doin everything for him all the tym,i even pick up all his clothes after him.I just want him to start doing this for himself cause i'm not going to be there, always doing everything for him.

Renee - posted on 05/31/2009

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Wow I have one of those too..My son is 15 and has been a problem since birth..He was diagnosed with ADHD about 5 or 6 years ago. And now I had a psychiotrist tell me he shows symptoms of bypolar. I am not an advocate of medicating children, but I can tell a difference in my son when he doesn't take his medication. Trust me I know what you are going through. There are some days when I don't like Josh. I feel like such a failure as a parent when I feel that way but what do you do. Most days he is a big jerk to everyone. Everyone had a lot of good advise. I am another one that has a tendency to being sarcastic, not a good thing. Another thing to try to avoid is engaging in the argument. Very difficult I know but try to stay calm and talk. I hope someone had some good advise for you. Good luck!

Shelly - posted on 05/29/2009

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Samantha,

A strong male role modle can help one that's not afraid to put him in place as far as respecting you and the others in your home...We as mom's can not take on that role b/c we have never been there as far as the hormones rushing thru his body...He needs some one that has been there and can help him handle the moods in a productive manner!!! Good Luck

Sharon - posted on 05/29/2009

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Well, I have 3 daughters who have all gone through this phase. I have accepted that I am the adult in the relationship and must think and behave and react in a mature way to these situations. He wants to be heard and understood. next time he spouts off, reply in a calm manner, ask him what he is trying to say and try to listen. I am very sarcastic and sometimes that is not what the child needs at that moment. It should be up to you to diffuse the situation because right now he has no idea what he is trying to say, he just wants to be heard! Then give him a hug and wait for the next blow up because it will happen. Byt he time he is about 22, this will all pass! lol!

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