Can't tolerate my son's friends

Cara - posted on 07/21/2010

After reading the posts, and looking at both sides, I think, if you don't want him to be a druggie, then he needs to not hang with druggies.
Since he has to do something with his time, how about him getting a job? Maybe that will help him meet some new friends and he won't miss the others so much.

Peggie - posted on 07/20/2010

The only thing I can say to you as a mom is very simple. Restrict him from these friends completely. Try to get the other parents involved if you can. Make it a group effort. If they won't then he can't see them.



Educate, Educate, Educate!



Take him to a rehab center and ask them to allow him to volunteer. (You make him) Make him see what drugs and alcohol do to people, not just kids. Once he gets it he will influence his friends.



I agree though, the destructive behavior from the other boys should not be tolerated and next time go to the cops.



Also, oddly enough look on Lifetime Movie network for movies about moms and their kids with drugs they have a lot of real life movies about real people's experiences and make him watch and talk to him as the movie progresses. TV is such a big influence. Point out that they are real life stories and it will help. I did this with my kid and she has stayed away from all of those things. We have a very open and close relationship and she tells me nearly everything.



Good luck to you mom!

Sue - posted on 07/20/2010

First, PRAY! Ask the Lord to bring new influences into his life.

I think you need to consider moving away.. he is young - new friends new school. Then the drug testing, counseling and therapy will have a chance to sink in. Do not let him get a driver's license under any circumstances so he is dependent on you for transportation. Why does he have a cell phone? If he is chained to you or his dad he won't need to have a phone. Where are they getting the $$ for this stuff? Keep him penniless unless you control it -- you are the parents -- for a few more years.
Let him know how much you love him and that you are doing this because you love him so much. If you have been wrong in being too lenient in the past tell him so and apologize. let him know that you are going to make up for it now. Then do it. plan to give up your fun for the next 3 years - hopefully it's not too late.
I will pray for you! You've got a good start by kicking out the friends.

Ellen - posted on 07/20/2010

That is a hard one b/c yall are neighbors.

I don't agree with your thinking. Its like, "well, I don't want you engaging in sex with prostitutes, but you can hang out with them." Does that make sense? It's the same with his friends...they're drinking and doing drugs, but you'll still let them hang out together? Just doesn't make sense to me.

You and your husband need to keep him away from that stuff and the influence. Some say its just a phase and he'll prolly grow out of it, but what if he doesn't? Those are addicitng horrible habits!!! I say that desperate times call for desparate measures. Protect him at all cost. Do what you have to do and if he gets mad then your doing your job. Have yall thought about counseling?

Hang in there...I know this isn't easy.

Tiffany - posted on 07/20/2010

DONT WORRY! trust me, I raised 3 boys which are now 17,18, and 21. but my middle son was hanging with friends i didnt approve of and some that he grew up with since 2nd grade. now all his friends smoke pot, drink and smoke cigs. my son tryed drinking he said it wasn't for him, he has never smoked a cig cause he said its for people that have no self control and he has plenty, lol and for drugs, he said he dont need to blend in and do what others think is cool cause only losers do drugs, so regardless what or eho his friends are, trust your son, and always talk to him about the issue and find out why he hates it, that way when he tells you why he hates it, its almost reminding himself why he don't lower his standards just for his friends. and now that they all are seniors, they all respect my son for his decisions and they dont use peer pressure.

Stacie - posted on 07/18/2010

I think that is a very good idea and very similar to what we are doing with our 15 year-old with the same behaviors. We have thrown one-on-one therapy into the mix as well. We do allow the friends in our home as long as they are respectful and follow our rules. With the destructive behaivor of your son's friends I agree with your decision. Best Wishes! I know it's not easy.

Ann - posted on 07/14/2010

Amy i do understand what you mean and i am deeply sorry for your loss!! However you can not force someone into a program. well you can but if they don't want it to work it won't, they will use the very system they are in to snow the staff into thinking it is really working for them until they get out, i know my son did this when he was first sent to juvy, then to another place that had councling, shelter care, a classroom, and was a boy/girl school. He has the personality that he can charm just about anyone he wants and have them eating out of his hand. He had them all fooled that he was changed, which his attitude was indeed better, but it didn't take him long at all to start back up the drinking and pot!!! One thing i do know i would never bail him out of jail or anything like that, would i be there for him, you betcha as far as visitation goes, that doesn't mean that i agree with what he's done at all and he knows that!!! Another thing i've learned over the years is that if i tried to keep the kids from someone it made them more hell bent on being around them!! My kids are now 22, 21 and 18 i still worry about them if they ask my opinion about something i am completely honest in fact i always ask them are you sure u want my opinion, you know im going to tell you the truth and you may not like it...lol they say yes...and well sometimes they really don't like it, but they know they can come to me and i will be honest. i no longer try to tell them this guy is this or that, you can do lots better etc, or tell my son this girl is this or that you can do lots better and why are you putting up with all of this? i have found it's better to say nothing!! They have to find their own road in life and have to make their own stupid stupid mistakes no matter how much it pains you to see!!! Molly i know how bad all of this frustrates you how much it hurts, the not knowing what to do!! Sounds like you are doing all that you can, the rest is up to him. Sounds like you have instilled in him what's right and wrong and that's all you can do!! Pray for him..believe it or not many many many people out there that smoked pot and drank as a teenager are very weathy and successful...even if they didn't inhale....lol

Charlene - posted on 07/13/2010

First thing is to get rid of the anger, and what other negative feelings you have for these boys..I don't know if you realize it or not, they know how you feel and are acting on it. Once you can forgive them, then I am sure you will see the right way to handle this situation. I have gone through the same thing when I was younger and when I got kids. What happen was when the love was shown the boys behaved differently. Because basically, love is what they need, especially tough love. And if you are to angry to give it to them, where else will they get it.

Yvonda - posted on 07/11/2010

when we heard that our son was trying pot with some friends, the first thing i did was a home drug test, and since I had never been one to hide the fact that I will pick and choose my kids friends. I pulled rank on that, but I also took my son to see a counselor at one of the local Charter Ridges in my area. sometimes children will experiment with drugs because of peer pressure, but other times there may be something entirely different going on! Thankfully with my son is was just wanting to fit in with the crowd, but some of the horror stories we heard in group meeting about what children go through in their own minds is down right scary.
I think maybe you should take your son to see someone outside the home just to be safe, depression in children is really more common than we realize. I hope everything goes okay with your son,

Lizl - posted on 07/11/2010

This is a tough situation, but i think you are on the right track. My suggestion is for you to take your son to a drug rehab or even a prison so that he can see for himself the gravity of what he is getting himself into. A lot of these places have volunteer positions where he will then be in the midst of it all. And hopefully this will open his eyes and he will make the right choices from then. But i also suggest in conjunction with this that there will be someone for him to talk to so he will be able to make sense of his experiences.
As for the "friends" .... tough love... i suggest you call the cops next time. If their parents wont deal with them, then the cops should. Maybe then their parents will step in.
At the end of the day you and your family come first.
Hope things go well for you. I too have a son that has just become a teenager, so i guess my own problems will come too.

Amy - posted on 07/10/2010

Oh and if these boys cannot respect you after all the lovely things you have done, they don't belong in your home. And you should have taken that text about shooting your in the face to the cops, they could have put a mandatory psych hold on him to get him some help. That is not ok, that is a threat. My chikdhood sucked but I always showed respect to my freinds moms, after all they feed me, clothed and housed me when my mom was loaded. I am tellin you, that kid needs help.

Amy - posted on 07/10/2010

Hi,
OK, this may be a long post but hopefully it will be helpful. Many teens are experimenting with drugs and alcohol and when a parten sits there explaining to them why this is not ok they are think "God my parents are freakin lame. they know nothing". They will beleive their friends over you when there friends say "it's just beer and bud, dude it's cool, your parents just don't understand". Now with these being life long buddies their bond is pretty tight, if you try to break that bond, your going to have a lot of animosity and anger. You have to get your son to see the real problem with doing drugs and drinking at a young age, life long additction is a very real threat. This will require your family to activly participate together and there can be no waivering. Now there wil be alot of people saying there just experimenting, it's no big deal, as long as they have good grades and activly participate in school activited it's not a problem. Well for some this is true, but not most. Most of the kids I went to school with that "Experimented" turned into full blown junkies by 18.. My mther was a junkie and died from an OD, so this area is one I am all to familiar with.
At first your son will hate it, but you need to find a program in your area that deals with kids drinking and doing drugs (even just pot). Most communities have free or low cost programs for teens and parents dealing with this type of problem. They will have group and private sessions, they take the kids to places were hey can see first hand what happens to others that just experimented. Your son needs to see the life long consequences, don't think for a second it can't happen to you, that your kids can't fall victim to addiction or at the least alcohol and drug relatied accidents. Now not everykid that drinks in high school becomes an addict, but if we don't teach them what can happen and leave it to chance by not educating them, we run the risk. Is that a chance your willing to take? Most parents no. So instead of only dictating (which is definatly a great start, your doing right by not letting them at your home, at this point thats all you can do because he will begin lieing t you about it and you dont want to go there) get out tere and show him what can happen, take him to meetings to meet others tat only experimented. Do not think this is overkill, donot feel foolish about taking him, nip it in the but b4 it gets worse, dont risk it.

I hope this helps, if only a little. Keeping him away from the destructive behavior is exactly what you nee to do and maybe if he see's that it can become a life changing prblem maybe he can help his friends since their parents wont.

Good Luck to You :)

Ann - posted on 07/08/2010

I DO think only allowing the boys at your house where U can watch them is also a good idea.

Ann - posted on 07/08/2010

My 15 yr old thinks you are on the right track mom. Keep it up!

Molly - posted on 07/08/2010

Thanks for the reply, Joan. I didn't want to make my previous post too long, but I simply cannot allow these boys at my house. My house was the house where all these boys used to hang out until it just became too much for me. One has no boundaries and the other is quite destructive. We have had two flat tires from backing over boards with nails in them that one of the boys left behind one of our cars, we've had one large hole in our drywall from one of the boys throwing around a chair, one of them bent all the poles on the net around our trampoline from climbing them, my two leather sofas are trashed from them jumping on them and wrestling and the frames are totally shot, they have both taken stuff from our garage when we were not home, not to mention that they will not clean up after themselves and have a tendency to create chaos whenever they come over. My son is not without his guilt in any of this, but he has been generally a respectful and neat kid. Any time I have told them this was unacceptable and to clean up their messes they sulk away and refuse to help and I make my son clean up after them. I definitely should have been more firm when they were younger, but I felt bad for one of them because his family is a mess and I often let him stay with us and fed him a couple times a day. The final straw was when I set some boundaries with them and he texted my son "You should shoot that b***** in the f****** face." I am hurt and bitter and angry over this and I just cannot stand to have them in my home.

Joan - posted on 07/08/2010

hi
instead of not allowing these boys at your house why don't you only allow your son to see them at your house when you are there to keep an ear or eye open. maybe you could have a possitive influence on all three of these boys. my kids always brought all of their friends here.i laid down my house rules,they were free to not come back if they didn't like them but they all returned.maybe it would do these boys good to have someone care. my kids were always allowed to have friends at our dinner table as well.i think that is where we had the most influence. one night one of my sons friends told me he wished his family would have dinner like us. meaning all sitting at the dinner table instead of in front of the tv.