MOST HELPFUL POSTS
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 08/29/2011
Actually, it's a pretty common thing in boys, I'm finding...
We fought the same issue with our son between the ages of 10-14. Part of his problem was that he'd hold that BM for so long that it had nowhere else to go but leak out!
We've done the whole gamut: Diet, scheduled potty, stool softeners, etc. It does help, with constant monitoring. However, dad HAS to be on board!
This kiddo probably has other underlying issues as well, with the divorce, mom's bi-polar, dad is in a relationship, etc, so therapy/counselling is a good idea. But, a cheaper, and quicker start may be to get him involved in extra curricular activities...my son really started "cleaning up" his act (pardon the horrible pun) when he started playing football. Somehow, realizing htat he was changing clothes in a locker room full of his peers made a BIG difference.
Of course, washing out his own underwear, and cleaning up his messes also helped.
As far as his diet, most kids his age are actually pretty interested in cooking...could you maybe start to show him how to prepare foods (can use it as a "getting him to help with the family" type thing), maybe, and get him used to eating healthier, and making healthier choices? Definitely get grandma involved as well. Dad really needs to be set down and given the big wake up call, tho, because you legally can't get him into treatments, or even start to make appointments without dad's authorization...
Oh, and another good "trick" is that, first thing in the morning, he drinks a cold glass of water. Wait about 15 minutes, and his bowels should start to move. Get him in a routine, get up, drink water, sit on toilet, brush teeth, get dressed, get ready for day...finish day, drink cold glass of water, brush teeth, sit on toilet, finish BM, get ready for bed, and start again tomorrow. This worked with my oldest to "retrain" his bowels.
Hope - posted on 07/27/2012
This issue existed in our house too. For the poop that gets everywhere in the bathroom, I bought Clorox Wipes (the cheap version from the Dollar General Store or the Dollar Tree) and I had a conversation about how important it is he clean it. My DS didn't like having conversations about it because it embarrassed him, so I told him the conversations would stop if he could be a little more responsible. He uses a lot of toilet paper and occasionally stops the toilet up, but that problem is ceased. I buy a lot of cleaning wipes, but there is no poop on my wall or floor. As for the underwear....I created a spot for him to place his shorts in the event this happens. The key is I ask no questions and we do not discuss his underwear as long as they are in the spot I made. I check this spot regularly when I do laundry and it is beside the washing machine. Now....my DS trusts that I will not ridicule him for not being perfect and we have a better relationship because of it. It seems my son was able to gain a sense of control over the situation and this has led to him holding himself more accountable. Good Luck! I know how frustrating this can be.
Stasha - posted on 03/06/2013
My son also suffers from encopresis. I'm a single mom and he has Depression and Anxiety disorders. I don't have a cure, I so wish I did. Miralax doesn't work. Diet and lots of water help. He has had problems with constipation for years in part because of the medications he's on. It's frustrating and while patience and understanding is key, i'm human and sometimes I get frustrated. Knowing what is wrong is a huge relief. It isn't that is lazy or gross, he has a medical problem.
America3437 - posted on 09/16/2011
First off that is gross. He is big enough to know better. I would lock the door and he would come to me to get the key when needed and I would do an inspection of bathroom before accepting key back. He would clean up his own shit that's for certin.
This conversation has been closed to further comments
Tina - posted on 07/12/2014
Hi, I think it sounds like he could have some sort of autism.. I hope you get things sorted out for you all as it must be stressfull.. Well done for trying to help and understand.. He could have anxiety issues too because of the split of mum and dad. You keep up the good work in trying to help him hope your hubby backs you up.. Good luck.. Tina.
Jennifer - posted on 03/10/2013
If his mother has bipolar issues it is hereditary and he may have issues of some kind himself. I think you are right to suggest counseling. Since his father doesn't want to
send him to a counselor check with the school counselor see if they will talk with him
and maybe to his father also. Mom shouldn't be left in charge of him until she can
work out her own problems. Maybe dad just doesn't understand how much this
upsets you. Also maybe he feels that his son will e singled out and made fun of for
seeking counseling, or even afraid maybe something wil be wrong with his son.
However I don't think it would be good to marry this man until this is worked out or
it may come between you later and end the marriage.
You will definitely be in my prayers.
Tess - posted on 10/23/2012
All that junk food is sending negative signals to the brain. Put him on FISH OIL PILLS (2500mg) ALONG WITH Probiotics and digestive enzymes. THIS WILL WORK BEST! I feel like if I didnt give my son FISH OIL PILLS (2500mg) ALONG WITH Probiotics and digestive enzymes, I would be in the same boat as you. You have to try these. Miralax only covers the problems. The vitamins I told you about, fixes it.
Kerry - posted on 03/26/2012
Just a word of warning. Kids with encopresis tend to deny and hide it, even when you know, and he knows you know. BE SURE to let the school and teachers in on it. Otherwise, you could have a very unpleasant visit from child protective services which will embarrass the child and terrorize the rest of the family.
I have two sons with this problem, one 14 (had it on and off since 9), one 10 (who is far more intermittent, but still has the problem occasionally). The 14 year old had a cleanout and a colonoscopy when he was 12. When that showed nothing (because it was EMPTY), the idiot GI specialist said there was nothing wrong. That worked for some months, but then it all came back again. We have tried Miralax and everything else it seems, but each time it's just a lull. It always comes back.
Every time we go to the doctor about it, he just tells us to do the cleanout again and then the Miralax maintenance. No luck.
If anyone knows the cure for this, let me know. Thanks.
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 10/03/2011
Amanda, I'm glad everything is going well. I would bet that being a freshman did do a little for his motivation, but I would say the biggest thing is that Dad is on board. Good luck to your son with his battle!
Marie France - posted on 10/02/2011
Ouff... I sense some animosity ... not constructive... live and let live is my motto.
As for the topic... Have you ever tried to ask the kid to clean up what he leaves behind... maybe someone has already suggested it, but I could not read all the posts some of them were just too filled with negativity.
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 09/27/2011
Nice to see that some can take and appreciate suggestions, and others cannot.
Just remember, ladies, that we are not the only one who reads these posts, and SOME on here are coming across as very, VERY defensive about posts that have been misconstrued.
Rather than continuing to nit=pick at each other, why don't we all just move on. The advise stopped being helpful a page ago...
Rachael - posted on 09/25/2011
Well, it appears that you are defensive. You practically wrote me a book defending your intentions and how I am taking it wrong. Point is, if I am taking your intent wrong could it be you are doing the same?
I cannot express how much love I have for "T", his father at times travels for work...for several weeks it was just he and I. Now, my fiance and I have a son together (15mo) and "T" is an awesome big brother. Regardless of my previously listed frustraions....I LOVE HIM!
You may reply if you like...but this will be my last post...it is getting rediculious. You have insinuated that I am cruel etc. What ever makes you sleep better at night.
Kim - posted on 09/25/2011
Racheal you are the only one that claims that I am judging you...first off the comment made about spanking was over the articile you gave the link for. Please take the time to go back and read again......You and I both agreed that the intent one has can be taken differently...the samething I was saying so again please go back and read.
As for my stepchildren... I don't believe my profile is set up for all to view without being in my circle...same as yours...I can only view one on your profile, and if you must know, our computer had a worm virus and we lost all our pictures...But thanks again for your concern..
Ty again for taking the time to share your point of view and I sadly hate to point out you are the one that judged me by calling me a hypacrite.
I was only trying to get you to see you are placing your anger onto your son/ss when if you truly think about it, yes some is due to his condition but I think there maybe some due to no one else helping with it...you have had to fight/argue to get back up...
No need to throw scripture to me ty, the Creator and I have a very close relationship,. This is the 3rd time you have taken my intent in a manor it wasn't meant to be. I can only guess you read it, maybe skip a little or maybe I am not writing in a manor that makes sence to you. Lower your defensive mode and you will see we agree on something, and I was only trying to get you to see what I was talking about... and things you asked things you didn't.
Penny - posted on 09/24/2011
I went through this with my son who is now 18. Its called encopresis and you can google it and read up on it yourself. I totally understand your frustration with the father and the child. I was in a similar situation where my sons father was in denial and my son was in denial about it also. I was very concerned how it would affect his social life if it didn't get resolved. Sometimes I would have to hunt down and find the offensive underwear and show it to my son and it was a terrible experience mainly because my son made up some excuses. I kept telling him its a medical problem that has a solution.
Over time .... I think it started to sink in. He started to take control of it and I think the 2 main factors were... drinking lots of water to flush the system plus metamucil regularly to keep the bowels moving. One of the misconceptions is that this is like a diahrea but its actually caused from cronic constipation.
I think this would have been harder had it not been my own son but the fact is - its a known medical condition and your hubby and stepson need to get that through their heads and understand there are solutions but you cannot solve a problem until you face it head on. Good luck girlfriend . I feel your pain.
Rachael - posted on 09/24/2011
Responding out of anger? Not at all. Responding because while you are entitled to your opinion, it is not accurate. I have recieved emails, texts whatever...sometimes you think someone is rude whatever and they are not. Yes, what I posted is how I felt. However, for you to judge me is just wrong. I was not referring to you having stepchildren, that was for Shawnn. You seem to have all the answers in the book. You are basically saying that I am only the better mother in the BM families eyes because compared to BM I am. There is more to it than that sweetie. As for you going on and on about spanking...who said anything of the sort? I do not believe in any type of physical punishment. Grounding yes....spankings NO! You basically have "me" figured out and you don't even know me.
You stated you have 3 stepchildren that you would take a bullet for...why are they not on your COM's profile?
MATTHEW 7 (NIV) "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
Kim - posted on 09/24/2011
Hey Rachael G. its me again....After reading your responce to my first posted responce addressed to you, then your second responce directed to but not formally addressed to Shawn and I, let me share some more advice. No matter who post what, sends a letter, email or text...no matter their intent, they can't control how the receiver will take it...obviously I see a problem, that you yourself my not see...obviously you didn't understand when I stated I wasn't a mean person by nature and I wasn't trying to attack you still took it I was.
Just to clarify things...I never said I live with you, wouldn't need to in order to see a problem...a lot of people are good at opening up what they truly feel on the internet and tend to use words..or one word to show our true colors...QUOTE: "He eats like a slob" The Word "SLOB" shows your disgusted, you hate it.... see what I'm saying?
I said I hoped your son by another mother wasn't in earshot of hearing any comments you have made of his BirthMother. Didn't say you did...said hoped you didn't. Glad you haven't and ty for pointing that out.
Honestly, you do have a right to be angry but it appears to being placed on the wrong person. At his age he is going through either the first or second stage of Puberty...Boys do tend to eat a lot during that time. I do agree he needs help in learning how to slow down when he eats and use manners......but don't forget that behavior is either for a biological reason or a learned/allowed behavior....it will take a lot of time to correct it no matter which one it is.
QUOTE: "Call me mean...I don't care! Sometimes at that age, kids need the truth even if it is the brutal truth. " You recognize you aren't being nice in your approach...You gave a link in your second responce after Shawn suggested you edit your first post (which is where I just got these quotes" I read the articile you sent the link for....please recognize the women wasn't speaking of children with a biological or mental conditions...she was referring to little girls the mothers were coddling and I agree they were handled wrongly..but again..it shows you how different mothers will respond when it is their Bio child and not one from another mother..they tend to have more sympathy/consideration/feelings/attachment. It also shows a lot of mothers are careful how they respond not only out of embarrassment but out of fear to get onto their children. How many video's have been on the local news channel for spanking their children in public or in a car in a parking lot where they feel they aren't watched but caught on tape anyway...depending on the state you live in will determine the laws placed that define child abuse...heck in Oklahoma you can spank your children below the belt, but not above the belt...how many times were you slapped across the face as a child? Even once in Oklahoma if it leaves a mark...and you are on the news and facing jail time, potental loss of custody. Even when you spank more than X amount of times you face the same situation. The Editor of the post has a good idea, Once I did it with my son but only in a calm voice did I tell my 12 yr old son in all his life I didn't like him at that moment. To me to raise an Honorable man you must teach them to recognize what is respectful and disrespectful. Again...nothing was about a biological or mental imparement. So please don't confuse that!!!!
Quote: "I am a wonderful mother to my stepson." Define a wonderful mother.....Thats why I commented you should be all you can be as a mother and not just the Better Mom.
Quote: " I also have custody of my sisters son(since he was 7) who is now 18. He has always called me aunt Rachael. I've always refered to him as my nephew. So I am wrong for that too by not calling him my son?" Thats a totally different situation, thats your sisters child, you are his aunt you are not married to his father.
Quote: 'Many other stepmothers posts that have read say stepson/daughter, I think it is so there is no confusion." Your correct..I should have looked at it that way...but it is all your stern matter of fact personality and the discuss you reveiled in your post using those "Words" I was speaking of...to refesh your memory "Slob" being one. Claiming to be all that then you bring in the negitivity canceling out the good.
It is wonderful that the BM's parents compliment you and say your the best thing thats happened...but don't forget the comparison they have. They look at you and they see a daughter with no mental imparements they probably always wished they had.
BTW I have 3 Step Children, and when I look at them I see the man I love in them and would put my body in the way to take a bullet for each one, just as I would for my own biological children! I hope things work out for you, and instead of being so defensive when adviced is shared please take the time to think it over before responding in anger...it only shows our short comings when we can't.
Wish you and yours the best!
PS. I agree with Shawn in what she shared!
Rachael - posted on 09/23/2011
Thanks for the suggestion Shawnn...I will fix that. I do refer to him as my son. On the discussion I did not. I also have custody of my sisters son(since he was 7) who is now 18. He has always called me aunt Rachael. I've always refered to him as my nephew. So I am wrong for that too by not calling him my son? Many other stepmothers posts that have read say stepson/daughter, I think it is so there is no confusion. No one harped on the lady who made the original post for referring to SS as "the kid" or "his son." As you said you don't have a stepson/daughter so it is easy for you to make judgements on situations you have no clue about. I am not defensive and your posts calling me wicked does not bother me. I know the truth and so does my son...is that better? My son's mothers family even say I am the best thing that could have happened to "T"
Also please read the following link to the ladies who think I am wrong for speaking the truth instead of sugarcoating it.
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 09/23/2011
I have to comment...Rachael, maybe you should edit your original post, because you seem to be offended that we are reading it "wrong". None of us like to assume ANYTHING, but when a post is written with as much anger as yours was, it's hard NOT to assume that you are the "wicked" stepmom.
Plus, just because your step son doesn't refer to you as Mom, doesn't mean that you can't refer to him as Son. It's all in your perspective. In my perspective, if I had a step son that I cared about and (I quote you) “He is NOT a part of my family...he IS my family!” he would be my SON. The “step”, in my opinion, is kind of an indication to them that they aren’t truly family. Just my opinion, there.
Your post, as originally written is easily misconstrued. I did it, and a few others after me have. Once may be a mistake, twice, even, but when multiple people end up reading my posts wrong, I go back and edit them to clarify…Just a suggestion.
Rachael - posted on 09/23/2011
You do not live in my home. I love my son/SS and treat him good. I don't speak about his mother to him nor would I ever do that. I am a better mother than her, never did I say I am a perfect mother. For replying to this post yes I did refer to him as my stepson. He does not call me mom, he refers to me as his stepmom. I am fine with that. Just because I was able to relate to the original post and her frustraions does not give you any right to judge me as a person or a mother. Have a wonderful day.
Kim - posted on 09/23/2011
Wow to Rachael Gilmore!!!! QUOTE: "I have a simular issue with my stepson who is almost 12. I too have been with his father for 3.5 years and he lives with us fulltime. The doctor also suggested taking suger out of his diet etc because of a weight issue. He gained 7 lbs in less than 4 months. He eats like a slob and out eats his father sometimes getting 3rds. As for using napkins...I make him use it or he would just use his hands, shirt, table, whatever is close. He shovels his food in his mouth like he is a starving child from another country. I have spoken to him and his father about it...it never changes.
As for the poop issue...my stepson has been smearing poop from day one. On the toilet paper, on the toilet handle, toilet seat, and even in the shower on the wall. He tried using the excuse that no one has ever showed him how to wipe...SERIOUSLY? Not only do we make him clean up after himself (scrubbing the area) we also give him consequences.
You are NOT wrong for being angry!!! You need to lay down the law. I can't tell you how many times I have argued with my fiance about his sons habits. Now he supports me and backs me up. I made it clear to my stepson...I am sick of throwing away underwear because you are disgusting. Call me mean...I don't care! Sometimes at that age, kids need the truth even if it is the brutal truth.
Don't back down...stand your ground!!!"
My response to your first paragragh- Have you ever considered he might be an emotional eater? or have him checked out to see if his body produces More then needed chemicals for craving food? "stepson" ????(if you feel he is yours and your so perfect in your mothering skills why referred as your STEPSON)?
paragragh- 2). you would be suprised how many parents don't think of how to show their children to wipe...and only think they will do as they are told.
paragragh- 3.) hope the "Brutal Truth" didn't add to some possible exsiting issues he already had from having a mom with bi-polar...a new step mom in his life, and now has dad back's her up (which he should for the right reasons) I believe you have tried to be "The Better Mom", but anyone that claims to be the best mom is no better then the person that claims they never lie. NO one is Perfect!!!! The thing that defines a TRUE ADULT is the ability to see and carry responsibly their short comings. I do not think it was right to comment on the mother being a drug addict when she is BI-POLAR...this is a mental problem...a mind altering drug..I haven't heard of or met one person that has BI-POLAR that didn't involve Drugs or Alcohol in their lives on a daily basis. I hope you never have ever said anything close to that where that child could hear it! When attacking one of the parents you are attacking the child mentally and emotionally!!!!!!!!! They are a part of them...no matter if we like it or not! I hope you step back and really think about if it does happen like some people say it does....your life flashes before you eyes...would you feel good about what you have said and done on that day or days before? Being young .... sometimes you aren't aware of your own mortality..someday you will...it comes with age! I saw your apolygy, and your statement you wrote it wrong..but then your additional post they only re-enforce the firt posting. I hope things get better, I pray they do....the mental and emotional damage that already exsist are enough without having more added to it. I have never felt like I needed to leave a post like this before...ever...Cuelty never helps...what level you think is cuel will probably be different then mine...but for the sake of your marriage and STEPSON I hope you take a long look at what all is said and done before speaking or acting! Everytime you get upset with him, just remember you getting upset with a part of the man your in love with, the potential... if it hasn't happened already....the future brother to your child.....that could potentially have the same problem as your stepson...would you still say and do the same...?? I can tell you now if you haven't had a child you will not know the true answer...Children give women strength.....I would bet you wouldn't treat your bio child with such MEANESS!
Is it possible that the weight issue is also genetic? So many questions...put them to thought...I am not mean by nature.....and I don't mean to sound like I'm attacking...but I am pointing out thoughts that should be reviewed...just as I would my own daughter if she was in your place. So many things have happened in her life...as well as mine...she didn't want to listen at times but...within time, she always comes back and say's "You were right mom, I didn't understand what you were saying but now I do" 'Mom your my best friend" "Mom when I get a hug from you I feel all the love, when dad hugs me...its like he does it for show" They know ....children are far from stupid...Be the BEST you can be...not just the BETTER MOM
Lika - posted on 09/22/2011
For the sake of this child, I don't blame you for being very concerned, and I'm thinking there is a reason why the father has primary placement for this boy... The mother must be more apathetic than the father...
But then again, MY son has had similar issues. I make him put today's clothes in the basket at the end of the day, and he knows he's supposed to start fresh tomorrow. Each day he wears a clean set, regardless of if the ones from today are clean or not.
My son may or may not have inherited Charcot-Marie-Toothe syndrome from his dad, which is a perineal nerve disorder. My son also had seizures as a baby, and outgrew them, and now has mild ADD in some of the categories. while none of these may have anything to do with it, it may be that it takes more effort to understand the dynamics of the part that you want him to have a normal and productive life, and everything else being normal, this could prevent him from having friends, jobs, etc...
Talk to your stepson. Don't get mad, ask him questions to what he thinks may cause this, and try to understand that it's embarrassing to him. Try to get your fiance's unilateral support, but, he seems to not know how to handle it either, so, take the bull by it's horns.
Is he having accidents because he's holding it too long or because he's not wiping good enough? Is he constipated or does he have loose stool? If it's both, it could be IBS, and taking something like iFlora may help.
Caffeinated beverages may cause some dehydration, so make sure you have plenty of other beverages available. Having apple juice handy would be good, if he's constipated. As for diet, see your pediatrician to get a referral to a dietician.
Seriously, though? It may be that the sphincter may be acting up, and may need medical attention, so, if you go through and try to find out what is going on, go over your husband's head, and seek his pediatrician's help on the topic.
Getting mad at the boy won't help, that will only isolate him and embarrass him more. Hiding soiled underwear is a sign he knows it's not right, and that he's embarrassed. If you're going to be angry, be angry with his father (your husband) for not taking a more active role in the situation. Dad should be asking the questions, not you, and if there are no mental or psychological reasons for lack of progress such as an illness, slow learner, etc, there is no reason why he can't learn to do better.
If he's trying and STILL not doing better, it may be a physical problem that needs a doctor to intervene. Try to find out what's going on with your step son about when, how, why he has the problem, and that may be a good start to see if it's diet or medically related.
But the processed & frozen meals is what he eats, that's a big no-no for health reasons. Make your own stuff, put them in individual containers for him to eat. Grandma can guide him too. Eating fruits and veggies helps expel the digestive tract to keep your insides clean.
Feel free to contact me for details, if needed. (I am a CNA, with a nutritional background, my mother is an RN, my sister is an OB/GYN)
Kim - posted on 09/20/2011
"America3437 - posted 4 days ago
..First off that is gross. He is big enough to know better. I would lock the door and he would come to me to get the key when needed and I would do an inspection of bathroom before accepting key back. He would clean up his own shit that's for certin. "
Keeping the doors locked will not help a child with this issue no matter their age...this boy has been blessed to finally have someone that cares to make things right. Sad the bm and bf aren't as focused on the issue. Yes it would be easy to be mad...but is that going to solve all the issues that brought the problem on? Before making such comments you need to educate yourself on what and why these children do this...it is more common then people realize...He maybe old enough to know better but it may have gone on so long he can't help it, and/or seeking out some kind of attention that will help him change things!
IFFGD can behelpful for some...here is their link
http://www.paediatricgastroenterologist.... and Hirschsprungs disease
"Constipation and picky eating can be very frustrating problems for parents and particularly difficult when the child cannot tell us exactly what is going on. There is very helpful advice on these two conditions on the recently launched American Academy of Pediatrics website http://www.healthychildren.org/English/P...
Also, the book Food Fights by Laura Jana and Jennifer Shu, two pediatrician mothers, has wonderful, down to earth suggestions for picky eaters. Parents of children with autism may want to check out these resources as well as the materials available about autism at the AAP site and at the Children's Hospital Boston website.
A link for parents that have children with Autism Spectrum disorder http://www.childrenshospital.org/az/Site...
Hope these links help!
Maryann - posted on 09/16/2011
I completely understand EXACTLY what your going through!! My step son did the exact same thing he started at about 5 ~all the way up until he was about 15. He went through everything not wanting to brush his teeth or take a shower. He was at our house more than his mothers so I started doing changes. He had plugged his mothers toilet because he started flushing his underwear because we wanted to make sure he was going to the bathroom. I insisted he would take time to sit on the toilet and take a poop!! I was very angry he was stinky and uncleanliness was just out of hand!!! Put your foot down tell him this is unacceptable make him clean it up and let him know he isn't gonna get anything or go outside ANYTHING!! I stood my ground and he is very aware now of how to keep clean and to go to the bathroom!! Good luck need to talk i'm on fb and my email is kaylazmarlex@yahoo :)
Teresa - posted on 09/10/2011
No ,Hon,you have more than right to be mad.One your husband to be should be working with and not aganis you.Has this child every hqad any kind of testing do to see going in side him.?I total with you that he need to badly talk with therapies.,it give him a place to total open about every thing on hias mind and you well be able to get to the end of this promble.God Bless
Stacy - posted on 09/10/2011
Believe it or not it is a serious medical problem. It is called Encopresis. you can google it to find out more about it. My son was the same way and we took him to the doctor several time before we got an answer. The serious part is that it can cause intestinal problems and can lead to cancer. When the "poop" sit in the colon and intestines it causes damage and can lead to cancerous cysts in both. It is very serious like I said and if he is 14 he should know what cancer is and if he knows that it can be bad he will want to stop eating food and drink he shouldn't or at least cut down on it. I know how you feel about just being tired of it all but my doctor said we had to be understanding and know he can't help it until he gets it under controll and it is a lifestyle change he will have to do. The fathers support is also important. He is also 14 so he can clean the bathroom up himself make it a daily chore for him and wash his soiled clothes out too. As soon as my son heard the word cancer he was all about healthy foods. He started eating lots of veggies and fruits and he knows when he starts feeling the slightest bit constipated he will fix his own miralex. Good Luck! I hope this helped you. He was 12 when he was diagnosed with it and he is now 16 and doing great. He still has some bad times but nothing like it was. It is something he is going to have to live with for the rest of his life.
Cheryl - posted on 09/09/2011
I would probably feel more worried that there isn't an underlying medical condition in with it. If he is still having problems have them take him in again to the doctors to see if they can come up with a solution. I as well had medical issues as a child and only that my mom kept me going in to see new doctors and trying new meds did we finally find the underlying cause and had it fixed. Took many years many tears and many doctors but in the end was finally fixed. Please dont give up on him keep him encouraged and put your foot down with the parents.
Rachael - posted on 09/08/2011
Yes I agree I wrote it wrong and understand how I may have come across. I just wanted her to know that I can relate to her situation. It is hard to be a parent to another persons child. I love my stepson...I don't consider him a stepchild. My life would suck without him in it. Thank you for the apology...sorry for coming across as the wicked stepmother...I am not :)
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 09/08/2011
Hmm...Never said anything about not getting angry with my kids, Rachael. I just responded to your post as written. And, as written, you did not come across as an understanding, loving mother, you came across as a very mean and judgemental person. my apologies for that.
I also didn't say that there shouldn't be consequences. I simply suggested alternate consequences, and possibilities. Again, my apologies for submitting those suggestions.
Rachael - posted on 09/07/2011
Shawn...I appreciate your input. I am a wonderful mother to my stepson. I am not mean to him. He loves me and I love him very much. The only reason I told him that "it" is disgusting to smear poop...(NOT him being disgusting, sorry wrote that wrong)...is it can get other people sick. He has not had any poop issues in several months. He is not the only child I have raised. I am his mother...not stepmother. Giving birth does not make a mom...I am at all of his school functions, parent teacher conferences, doctor visits, I do more with him than his father. He is NOT a part of my family...he IS my family! My entire family welcomed him with open arms...including myself. You can lie to yourself by saying that you never get angry with your kids...all parents do...biological or step. There has to be consequences for childrens actions even if they are doing it for attention. My stepson is very respectful, does great in school, active in sports, etc. He is not deprived of attention! While I agree he has his hygeinie issues all else is fine. I am not a stereotypical, judgemental, or harsh stepmother. Have a great day :)
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 09/07/2011
Anger is understandable, however, telling a 12 year old that he is disgusting is not ok. If you don't have the patience to calmly sit down with the boy, then you are adding to the problem.
For young men who are from a split family, this is a common occurrence. Rather than being judgemental, stop and look at the situation. You, as the step mom, are not helping the situation by being mean.
Why throw out unders that are soiled? Why has he not been cleaning them? At 12, he's old enough. But, that's not the biggest issue. The attention he's trying to gain is, and perhaps if you were to start to treat him as part of your family, and not some hanger-on that your new hubby has to "deal" with, he'd start improving. Self esteem issues are deeply seated, and that's where you need to start. Or rather, someone who actually loves the child needs to start there. Sounds like you need to start by finding some compassion.
And before you start in on me, I'll state it again: I've dealt with this issue in both of my sons, both were issues not of wanting attention, but other underlying things that were bothering them, but they didn't know how to express. Once given an avenue of expression, the issue resolved itself, with help from the doctors for retraining the bowels.
If you've been nothing but the stereotypical, judgemental, and harsh step mother, then there is adjustment needed on both sides.
Courtney - posted on 09/02/2011
Just remain positive with him and encourage him. I go through the same issues with my son and yes it really gets to you. I have stressed the importants of being clean and wearing clean clothing. You become lost or so focus on the problems that our children have that we loose sight of what important. Just be there and have him to clean up the bathroom once he is done. Just show him you support him and find alternative ways to get him to do the things he needs to do. Like if he can wash up and keep the bathroom clean for a week reward him. This may be a start and you sound like a wonderful mother that deeply cares... don't give up
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 09/02/2011
While she may be angry, anger DOES NOT help in this situation. Take it from a parent who's had 2 kids go through this.
PATIENCE, AND UNDERSTANDING! Of course, MOST situations can be handled with patience and understanding. If you haven't had a kid that has had this issue, you will not understand.
Lisa - posted on 09/02/2011
It sounds like the boy is following his father's example of concern about the issue though. If Dad doesn't think a therapist is necessary or that keeping John on a specific diet is beneficial then neither will John. It sounds like until Dad steps up shows & expresses concern for the matter not much will change. As far as the issue with the bathroom floor & his underwear, I would make your fiance & John clean it. Concerning that its not just his personal hygiene its the family's health also.
You have every right to be angry. I've known kids who have done this yet it was always as an attention getter. Therapy may help yet until your fiance shows a concern it may not get better. Good luck& I hope you get your fiance on your side with this problem too.
Kim - posted on 09/01/2011
Amandasolecism ... Your fiance probably has empathy for his son, due to his own experience when he was younger...this can be a genetic issue that is more in the male gender then female gender. First off Miralax is a laxative..which is the first thing a GI doctor will perscribe for a child with gastrial issues..the sitting on the potty at the sametime everyday etc. as you listed. I give you a high 5 for communicating with the BM to know what is going on with their son. I will tell you what we found helped our son when he was going through the samething (so did his father as a child)....go to walmart, kmart, walgreens whichever you choose and by a stool softner...doesn't matter if its the store brand or a name brand, give it to him everynight before bedtime...this will keep him regular...What you didn't mention, could be that you didn't get told yourself by BM or BF...but the miralax is prescibed due to the child's body not knowing when he needs to go poop anymore due to holding it too much. The muscle that alerts us that we need to poop will stop working. This is usually because they got impacted and nothing was done at an earlier stage.
When you buy cereal make sure its General Mills brand since they have more Fiber...by the Fiber One snack bars/breakfast bars. Slowly introduce different foods to him, and if he refuses to eat them, then let him know their are consquences for doing so, sameway with if he doesn't clean himself better, if he doesn't pickup his dirty undies and place them in the appropriate place, then he will lose time playing video games or going somewhere special or if you rather... place a schedule on the bathroom or bedroom or both walls of when you get up in the mornings do this..... or have him sign a contract saying that he understands if he doesn't follow the list and try to do better then he won't be awarded something special he is wanting or if he does do them all he will be awarded with going to the movies or lazer game etc.
Miralax will force a person to poop but it doesn't soften it to help it from hurting...thats the reason at this age it's better to put them on the stool softner. Remind him other kids will tease him for being nasty...google Mersia/Mursia...not sure of the spelling...this way he will see what problems can come along with not being clean.
Its very frustrating, This can be genetic or emotional...most people jump to the ideal of Therapy before thinking of the biological, when you said marbles and hard that shows he needs to have the stool softner.
Also, the DAD may not remember or know what his parent(s) did to help him get through the issue if he did have it, seems he did by his actions or he has become ammunied to it. Doesn't mean he doesn't care, he just doesn't know what to do anymore and figures.."well I got over it at a certain age, I know he will too". It's AWESOME you are taking all steps possible to make this child's life better which inter will make yours better! Wishing you the best! Keep me posted...like to know if any of these suggestions work for you!
PS: needed to add this part, our son not only had this due to genetics but him having ADHD didn't help, he would get so wrapped up what he was doing he didn't want to stop to go potty. You didn't mention that this child has ADD/ADHD but thought I should add this for those that have a child that does and they have this problem.http://www.aboutkidsgi.org/
Mandy - posted on 08/29/2011
My son had a similar problem, I even got spoken to from his teacher at school that he smelled often. It is was very embarassing for me and I would have assumed for him too but he seemed to not take care of it. After seeing the doctor he said that the large intestine becomes enlarged if someone holds their bowels for too long and in my sons case it started in Kindergarten and went until he was about 14 so after finding out why it happens ny son told me he did hold his bowels while at school because he didnt want to go there and the after years of doing this they cant even feel when they have a bowel movement. He had to take a Tbs of vitamin oil and then sit on the toilet for 20 mins twice a day..we did morning and night...and eventually the problem went away. Good luck and dont be too hard on him, as gross as it is I am sure he doesnt want to be doing this as much as you dont want to be dealing with it.
Lora - posted on 08/29/2011
One of my sons had a problem not being able to feel that he needed to have a bowel movement. Our doctor recommmended giving him Milk of Magnesia because it was a gentle stimulant. At some point in time, the young man that you are concerned about, may have not been allowed to use the toilet or had a very severe case of constipation that could have caused the nerves to be damaged. We ended up being blessed with a wonderful teacher that bought a kitchen timer. He set it for every 10 minutes and had our son go to the restroom for 5 minutes everytime that it went off. After he went a week with no accidents, the time was changed to 20 minutes and continued. Within 3 months my son no longer needed the timer as the problem was gone. At 14, this young man is going to be thinking about dating so explain to him what girls like in boys-cleanliness. I understand you being angry, but take it out on dad. This young man is suffering even though he may not appear to be. Kids are cruel and I guarantee he is being teased. Be there for him and explain to dad that this is a serious problem. I believe that therapy is necessary at this point in time and so should his father. What he is doing, by not following the advice of a doctor is child neglect and he could end up loosing custody of his son. Remember that the important thing is to let this young man know that YOU care and want to help him. I agree that YOU need to take control of the grocery shopping. Don't buy what he's not supposed to eat.
Marlene - posted on 08/27/2011
He needs therapy URGENTLY! This is not normal behavior! He will have serious relationship problems if this is not sorted out NOW! Father's don't see the issues like we do. Perhaps, if possible, chat to his mom. Assure her that you are concerned and genuinely want to help him. Good luck.
JuLeah - posted on 08/26/2011
Maybe Mom should have the kid. Dad doesn't seem to care.
No, you are not wrong to be upset. You care, you want the best for the child and you see him suffering at the hands of a father who wishes to stick his head in the sand.
Lesson learned: Don't have kids with this man!!!!
Try to work with the mom, grandmother? Go over dad's head. The kid needs help.
You take over buying food and toss what they kid should not be eating.
All the food you listed ... ohh man, the kid is being set up for all kinds of health issues, cancer ...
He is more then a 'messy kid' and was when you met his at age 11. He is a child with some big issues.
Join Circle of Moms
Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.Join Circle of Moms