Daughter in a relationship that seems to be just poison...

Maria - posted on 08/03/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I have read a stream of posts in regards to my situation. My husband and I don't like this relationship and I have tries so hard to be positive and not say much. However, lately it just seems she distances herself more and more from us and has become so darn rude & disrespectful. We had a major blowout last nite basically because she says she has felt like an outcast. I told her she has done that all be herself because of her actions. The flight went on and I ended up outside calling my mom very upset. She gave me ideas and the biggest solver seems to be to take her cell phone. Part of me agrees but part feels that really won't help. This is so hard.....

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Bobbie - posted on 08/18/2012

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My daughter had a bad egg for her first boyfriend at age 15. I don't agree that it isn't a big deal and she will change relationships quickly. Boyfriends set the tone for how they feel about themselves. Love, as we know, feels just as real at 15 as the real thing. I say get her out of it as soon as an issue arises that gives you cause to ground her. This is why....When my son told me that my daughter's boyfriend and slapped her I had a talk with her. Seems she thought it was her fault because she got into his car and tracked mud. He slapped her hard enough on the leg to make a welt. When I heard this I devised a way to teach her a life lesson and give her time away from him. I told her that she was grounded for not showing enough respect for herself as to let him speak to her and treat her the way he did. That she had kept the slap from me only to then tell me it wasn't the first time he had slapped her. Of course grounding her was great for the best result of all. She wasn't allow to speak to him or see him. He was such a loser that he started hanging out with another girl within a week. This broke her heart of course and I was there to dry her tears. I didn't say I told you so. But she said as much to me. She learned what NOT to allow in a relationship. At 15 she is going to side on the way the guy feels is best. Would be interesting to learn if he told her she was treated like an outcast. I mean where did that come from. If it is a friendship that is poison and not a boy than the cure is the same. Get her grounded for something unrelated to the fact that you don't want her around that person. When grounded take her phone only after school and returning it to her when you get up in the morning. If you turn it off in the evening and charge it in your room she won't be able to txt or call anyone for the full weekend or two. By then they will be moving on to someone else they can more easily hang out with.

Maria - posted on 08/05/2012

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Thanks Angie! I think your right! Also, I think when you see them making stupid decisions you made yourself...and didn't listen....you want to make them see reason but know they won't because you didnt! I will say this, my mom has gotten a lot of sorries from me lately about how I was as a teen!

Angie - posted on 08/04/2012

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I don't think I would worry about it at 15....they change relationships so quickly. The rude and disrespectful wouldn't work in my house although you didn't say how she is being that, but even my 20yo is all ga-ga when he starts seeing a new girl, that's where his focus is, he's not as home as much, & that's all I hear about, etc. etc. When you say distancing...what do you mean? Do you have things that you do as a family that she isn't including herself in...and if you don't, maybe you should start? You said you don't like this relationship, but haven't said if this is her 1st boyfriend...is it possible you are adjusting to her growing up some? I'm not sure what taking her cell phone would do but I would definitely set limits...no calls/texts after a certain time. At my house, there are no cell phones allowed at the dinner table..mine included..lol

I hope you have had a chance before she wouldn't listen to reason about growing up, handling relationships, and being safe if she chooses to be sexually active....hang in there ~ unfortunately, I think this is just the beginning of the world of teenage dating....wish I could tell you it gets easier, but I think the only thing that gets easier is us, as parents, accepting our kids are growing up and this is part of it.

User - posted on 08/04/2012

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Yank her out of school, keep her at home. then you will be able to control the relationship. until she can behave, no cell phone.

Chaya - posted on 08/03/2012

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Having a family friend, as opposed to family member, may be a good idea. I know I would never respond to family members, except perhaps more distant ones, but I had good adult friends I could rely on.

Maria - posted on 08/03/2012

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Gosh I love reading all the posts. I can say there is no drugs or abuse. Sexual? Enough for the hook to have sunk in for to think he is an awesome "god"! At least this is my theory....not complete sexual I am almost certain! I really like the advise of when this boy is around, he needs to socialize with us! He is gone at the moment and is even going to a different school next year. I have said they are both selfish to not let each other go since they are only 15! Friends have talked to her, etc and she will not listen to anyone! He most definitely has a hook into her and I keep waiting for it to go away! So very frustrating because I love her and hate the fights. I have thought about putting parental control on the phone and limiting who she can text and when. The other side to that....it's crap that we have to add more stress to our lives because she refuses to see reason! Anyway thanks for the good ideas.

Cherease - posted on 08/03/2012

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Hello Maria, am the mother of an 20 yr old daughter. I can honestly say that we have been were you and your family is at. First you must know that things will get better. Taking your daughter phone away will not help this situation and besides with s much stuff going on she needs a phone to contact you in case of an emergency. You mentioned that your daughter has become distance,well from my experience with my child it may be some abuse (physical and or mentally) going on. She may be distanced because she is sexually active,and or experimenting with drugs. Whatever the case may be I suggest that you start snooping,so you can know what where and how she is doing things. I suggest that you check out the boyfriend,his friends,parents etc. Arming yourself with as much information that you can will be helpful. Maria you must believe that you guys will make it through this trying time. Have you considered having a family member talk to her? Sometimes children go through things and they feel as thou parents don't understand. Also you should have your doctor speak with your daughter and have them run some test. She could be depressed. Good luck and one day you guys will look back on this situation and laugh about it like me and my daughter.

Anna - posted on 08/03/2012

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One of the beginning signs of an emotional or even physical abusive relationships is isolation. First he may isolate her from her friends, the only friends she can have are actually HIS friends, then her family. Same thing has happened to me. He makes her feel guilty when she doesn't spend time with him (the Rudeness and Disrespect was just the tip of the iceberg in our family) I've taken her phone away but it didn't help, aside from that, me being a working mom, her phone is my only way to communicate with her. I downloaded a tracker on her phone so I ALWAYS know where she is , she can't lie to me about that anymore...OMG SUCH a long story but I ended up getting a restraining order against her BF - they are still seeing each other and the police WON"T do anything about it (adolescents have way too many rights at least here in CA they do)

Chaya - posted on 08/03/2012

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I'm not so sure taking the cell away is the solution, although perhaps for a couple of weeks. My concern is that she'll likely need to contact emergency services.
If she's distancing herself from you, the boy is quite possibly coersing her into it. How old is your daughter? Depending on the age, you should explain why this is troublesome. If this keeps up, she's likely going to go from one abusive relationship to another. She'll either choose to get it or not, if not you can threaten the boy, not with physical violence, you can get creative on that. I'd be vague, but clear.. If the boyfriend is a minor, you could discuss it with his parents.

Annabelle - posted on 08/03/2012

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I think the cell phone idea is a good one. The first step for her to get back "into" the family is to give her no other alternative to not participate in the family. Four out of 5 of my kids have cell phones but we have very strict rules for when they are not to be used or seen, like during family time even if we are just watching a movie together. The problem with the cell phone is that kids are connected to one another 24/7 anywhere, anytime so they totally disappear into the abyss of socializing with their friends constantly. Remove the opportunity or set some strict rules. Also, remember that if you think her relationship is unhealthy you need to be checking on it, read her texts, etc. it's your right as a parent. If she wants to see the boy her comes to your home and interacts with your family so you can get to know him better. One step at a time, by giving her options to get more into the family she can begin to get there. My daughter BF is like a part of our family because we wouldn't let her date him if he wasn't willing to let us get to know him (and we have gone to dinner with his parents as well). Don't let the past hurt the future start now but start slowly.

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