Daughter just turned 18!

Pamela - posted on 10/03/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Help! My youngest daughter just turned 18 and all hell broke lose with my husband (my daughters father). Well anyhow she stayed out all night with her boyfriend on her birthday, and my husband went in a frenzy. My husband has always been strict by not letting our daughters spend the night at their friends, going to parties things of that nature. Well a couple years ago when my middle daughter turned 18 she didn't go out all night with her boyfriend, because his parents were strict. Well soon after she broke up with him and started seeing someone else. At first her new boyfriend had a to be home by 10:00 and he lived with his grandparents and he was 19. Soon after he started dating my daughter she started to stay out all night at his house. There were plenty of sleepless nights. She rebelled because her dad (my husband) was too strict and so she decided since she was 18 she could do whatever she wanted.
Going back to my youngest daughter, so she stayed out all night long with her boyfriend and came home at 9:30 am in the morning. So now she is starting to rebel, however my husband blames me because he said that I didn't say anything. I mean what can I say, they are 18 years old and by laws here in the U.S we aren't allowed to say or do anything once they turn 18. My daughters are good, they all graduated from high school, they don't do drugs, or drink. My youngest daughter already has a good paying job working at a top cosmetic store making decent money. She buys all her own clothes,we basicly don't have to buy her anything, we only provide a roof over her head, and pay for food. But she even said that she is going to start paying rent because she feels she needs more responisblity to so she can adjust to the outside world. Does my husband have the right to say anything to her? Please I need some advice.

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Megan - posted on 10/14/2010

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It sounds like his reasoning is probably simple - he doesn't feel like his daughter should be sleeping around. Even if this is the only boyfriend she's ever had and she ends up marrying him to a dad she is a little girl who should be returning to her parents home at night - the same parents who she needs to pick her up from work. I think I agree with him. And I would question the boyfriends parents or guardians if they allow them to sleep together in their house - having you kids be open and honest is great but if you only get that by comprimising your own morals yo are doing your entire family a disservice. Do you agree with her behavior or do you just think she's 18 and you have no say??? If you agree with her then you and your husband have an issue but if you are just trying to be her friend then your husband and daughter are both loosing out.
Forget what he thinks forget how cool you want to be to her and listen to your inner voice - until you know what it's saying there is no point in asking for advice. I'm not saying it's wrong for an 18yr old to have sex only that she should be following the rules of the house she lives in. If you are honestly 100% ok with her choices talk to your husband and hear what his concerns are, he may have concerns that he has not communicated as of yet. Just don't let peer pressure influence your choices - it's hard to hear "everyone else..." and not break .
That said, My house my rules works for me and while we don't always agree - as parents we show a united front and occasionally one of has to be the heavy foot.

Debbie - posted on 10/14/2010

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Yup, he has a right to say what goes on in their lives as long as they live under his roof. If they live on their own in their own place and pay their own bills..then no, but since you pay for housing and food, you have every right to ask they abide by your rules.

Megan - posted on 10/13/2010

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Hello - 18 is only adult in the eyes of the law - and yes parents should let it be known if they disagree with their kids choices. I know the fear of what my dad might think kept me from doing many things. The reality is it's your house and your rules and if she feels she is enough of an adult that she can make her own rules she should make her house.
I have a 19yr old - she is in college and I am sure he boyfriend sleeps in her dorm some times but when she is home and he comes to visit he sleeps in a guest room and their doors stay open. I am not against sex and I am well aware that they are sleeping together, but this is my house and my rules. When she is at home over breaks I know before she leaves the house if she is not coming home on any given night. Is it possible that your husband would be less angry if she showed a little more respect and told you ahead of time if she was not coming home at night?
Going back to the rent thing - it's still your house - our rule for all 4 of our kids is - if you are not in college you are paying rent starting the week you graduate.

Jane - posted on 10/10/2010

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Your husband has every right. She may be 18 but she is living under your roof. You can make any rules you want to and if she can't abied by them, then she can mov out!

Joan - posted on 10/04/2010

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hi
my son tried something similar when he turned 18, i found him and informed him that as long as he wants to live in our house he will follow the rules of the house. i told him in the same conversation that if he wanted to live elsewhere he had to come get his shit right now. he came home and this has not been a problem since. i told him that being 18 does not give him the right to do exactly as he pleases. i also told him that i am his mother and when he doesn't come home that i worry because i don't know if he is dead or injured somewhere. he was also told it is common courtisy to call if he is not going to come home . i expect this of anyone who lives in my home whether it is my 18 year old son or my 72 year old father. so i would let her know that you need to have a conversation and set rules that are agreeable to all of you.

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Shannon - posted on 09/06/2011

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well your daughter sounds responsible. its hard couse sheis 18 my oldest daughter moved out at 18. its not whati wanted she was with a guy younger then her and i did not like him much. we tryed having an intervention. but i was 18 when i got married. so i stoed and told her she could go. it was hard couseshe did not have a job or even a place to stay. the frist year was so hard. but then everything clicked in se now has a great job her owen place is still with the same guy.but i think your husband needs to ease up the stricter you arethe more they rebel. you have to give them some freedom its like anything you tell them no you cant do this and they want to. you have to pick and choose your fights. fightin over everyy little thing just couse so much tension

Nickie - posted on 10/14/2010

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I can understand his getting mad, even with her telling him where she'd be. She is living under your roof, she should come home each night. As I said before, I have a 20 year old. His girlfriend (of 2 years) is 18. I don't allow her to stay at my house overnight, and her parents don't allow him to stay there overnight. House rules-- and they both respect that. I would suggest you and your husband have a heart-to-heart about this situation; find out what is upsetting him, and really listen to his point of view. Then offer your side. Once the two of you can come to an agreement, you can present it to your daughter, but ONLY after the two of you are on the same page. If you show a division, then she will take advantage of it. What teenager wouldn't?

Pamela - posted on 10/14/2010

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Well, last night she did it again. She went over to her boyfriends house for the night. However she did tell her dad, my husband where she was going to be. But again he got mad. My daughter texted me and asked me if I could tell her dad to pick her up from work because she wanted to talk to him. However when I called my husband to see if he would pick her up from work he said that he said no because he didn't have anything to say to her and he didn't want to talk to her. I love my daughter very much, however my marriage to my husband is not good. He has no reasoning or compromising for anything. What do I do. I need some advice.

Nickie - posted on 10/11/2010

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My son is 20 and he still has to live by my rules in my house. Parenting doesn't stop when a child turns 18... I don't care who calls them adults at that age, they are still kids and while they can act responsible they are also still very immature. It is great that your daughter is as responsible as she is, but staying out all night was disrespectful and therefore an act of irresponsibility. I think your husband has every right to be upset. I would be upset if mine did the same.

Sheila - posted on 10/07/2010

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18 is such a tough age to deal with, isn't it? My daughter is 18 and while she has never given me any trouble, suddenly she is driving me crazy with the whole "I'm 18 and can do what I want" attitude! I don't agree though that 'by law as soon as they turn 18 we can't do or say anything.' As long as they are still living at home, whether or not they are working and buying their own clothes, etc., then they should still respect our house rules. My daughter doesn't like having a curfew during the week but I cannot and will not go to bed without knowing she is home safe and sound, and since I get up at 5:30 each morning for work, there is no way I'm waiting up until 1 or 2 a.m. for her to come home! As far as overnights with the boyfriend? No way. If my daughter ever expected to get away with that then I would tell her that she needs to get her own apartment and be completely on her own! (My situation is different than yours though...my daughter is in a community college and I pay for her cell phone and clothes, food, etc. because she's still looking for a part time job).

Theresa - posted on 10/06/2010

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My son just turned 18 and he's been doing the same thing we objected and everything else but like you said they are 18. The more we complained to him the worse it got . when we finally backed off him. he started mellowing out and going to work and coming home. He still goes out with his friends and his girlfriend but comes home everynight with a few exceptions he still stays out all night once in while. Back off and leave her alone she'll be alright she's testing her freedom.However you should explain to her that it would be nice if she called and let you know that she is safe. That is one thing that both my kids do do they call and let us know where they are at.

Desiree - posted on 10/05/2010

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I only hope that when my daughter gets to that age she is as responsible as yours. You must have done something very right. You hear everyday of the hell kids put their parents through and i think you ar very lucky. If your husband carries on he will end up pushing her away from both him and yourself, is that worth it in the long run... Good luck on this matter but at the same time be very proud of yourself for being an exceptional mom and bringing up a daughter with such a sense of responsibility.

Louise - posted on 10/05/2010

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Your husband is very strict if he did not allow them to go to parties before the age of 18. My sons were allowed to go to parties but were given a time that they had to be back home and they never let me down. No wonder they are rebelling. Now your daughter is becoming self sufficient with a job then paying rent is a good idea. But if your daughter is living at home it is only good manners to tell you roughly what time she is coming home so you dont worry. Sit down with her and explain that staying out all night is really not exceptable and if she wants to do that then she should move out. Your daughter has to decide if she wants to respect the house rules or go it alone by moving out.

Julie - posted on 10/04/2010

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if it was a boy that had stayed out all night it wouldnt have been such a big deal but it was daddy's little girl and it smacked him in the face that she is growing up. even in the uk 18 is the legal adult age so your life is your own and all we can so as mothers is to keep guiding and hope they listen. talk to her about safe sex and relationships and hope you have a daughter with a sensible level head on her shoulders. she's been a good girl till now so i would let one discrepancy slide but if she did it again and didnt tell me she wasnt coming home then 18 or not she would know about it.

Angie - posted on 10/04/2010

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You're right, she's 18 and legally you can't say or do anything. However, she still lives in your house and, like you, should be respectful of the other people living with her. Would you spend a night out without telling anyone where you are going or when you will get home? Being responsible doesn't only mean financial responsibility but being respectful to the people you live with. Perhaps if she is not willing to live by the rules of respect, she should move out so she can do whatever she wants without having to worry about other's worrying about her.

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