Daughter thinks friends are soooo much better than family

Andrea - posted on 01/14/2009

Quoting Danielle:

Daughter thinks friends are soooo much better than family

My daughter is 13 and thinks her friends are amazing and that our family is not. I accept that her friends are important to her, but am depressed by how often they come first and family a poor second. My friends teenagers are not as anti family with their families as she is with us, but I don't like to admit to them how little time she spends with us as it makes me feel like a failure. She doesnt like to come out anywhere with us or do anything at home together and i find it very sad. i have two other chidren who are 8 and 4 and we all really enjoy each others company. My eldest daughter did too when she was younger but now its all about friends. Anyone elses teenager like this to this extent or does anyone have any advice?

Hi,

I just became a member and stumbled onto this conversation and i'm sorry to tell you i too have the same problem with my 14 year old daughter, i am a single mom  and have been from the start. i feel like maybe she has a lot of pent up resentment towards me for not giving her a "normal" family and not always having the ability financially to do or have the things her friends might. i don't believe she hates me or anything, but when i see her with other friends moms, dads, and her coaches or teachers she hugs them and is nice to them and it kills me and stirs up a lot of jealousy in me. i can't remember the last time she hugged me or treated me nicely in public, it usually involves a lot of sarcasm.  when i take her places with her friends her friends all love me and tell her how cool her mom is but she doesn't believe them. like you responed to another mom, it feels better knowing i'm not the only one. and i found out also the friends house she usually wants to hang out at and spend time with ....that mom also feels like her daughter is the same way so i hate to say it but it may just be normal. stay strong, and jsut keep trying to communicate with her and let her know you will always be there for her when she wants you to be.

Andrea

Teresa - posted on 12/29/2008

If it helps, I think sometimes I fought harder to get away from my mother because I thought she was so neat and that she overshadowed me in so many ways. I wanted to be seen as "me" but felt I was only "her daughter" or "his sister" and not noticed or appreciated for myself. Sometimes the easiest way to find that "separateness" is to push away, sometimes forcefully! It takes some maturity to see you can be a good loving daughter and family member AND be great in your own right. Keep loving her, celebrating her uniqueness where you notice it, but set what limits you feel comfortable with to keep her "in the family." May be one family game night every 3 weeks, etc. In our house family sit-down supper was virtually non-negotiable. Do draw a line in the sand and make her relate to the family as best you can, then just be the role model of grace and poise that she wants AND dreads becoming!! Good luck!

Charity - posted on 12/29/2008

My 15 year old daughter is the same way. She thinks I'm the biggest meanest mom around that makes her do far to many chores and not enough time with her friends. We take her cell phone and puter away when she babysits her brother and my gosh thats just the end of the world for her. We only do that because she has proved to us that she can't watch the boy and talk with her friends (she just doesn't play with him) We sometimes ground her by taking the cell phone away but that only makes things worse. Like Susan I have a very hard time getting her to do things with the family but she also wants me around at functions it's just hard to understand her at times.I had a rough teenage life and thats why I have had a nice long talk with my mom and told her I was sorry for every little teenage thing I've done 'cause man it's got it rough days raising this teenager. I work with teenagers and they don't seem to have these problems with their family. But I do hear stories about my daughter at school that she has not mentioned( because she doesn't talk to us about problems) it's nice to hear things but some I wish she would tell us. Anywho I'm sure its just "a faze" and they will grow out of.

Danielle - posted on 12/28/2008

Thanks for your comment Susan. Sorry that you're in the same boat but at the same time relieved that I am not the only one! Guess we just have to wait for them to grow out of it eventually....

Susan - posted on 12/27/2008

Since she was 13 and she is now nearly 15 and it is not much better yet. The last thing my daughter wants is to go somewhere with the rest of the family. You say her friends aren't like that. I found when you talk to their friendsmothers they have exactly the same problems. They all just don't verbalize as badly in front of their friends family's. The worst is when they are alone at home. The one moment they are laughing and the next moment they are swearing at you, lashing out at the younger siblings and slamming the door... you usually have no idea what triggered it. Everyone say that is a teenager but for me to be hated so by my litlle girl is painfully sad. The worst is at school functions and matches. She wants me there but I mustn't talk to her, her friends or the teachers. She would prefer that noone notice i am there but i must be there. She won't say it outloud, but she lets you understand in her own twisted teenager way