Daughter with first period...Help please!

User - posted on 04/20/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My Daughter 12yrs is a Tomboy, is an athlete and plays at National level for her sport. I have tried to prepare her for this day and she would never enter the discussion with me.Well today it happened in the middle of her game and she had white pants on. I bought her home and she showered and i gave her some pads to put on a few hours ago. Just found out she hasnt even put a pad on. She wears boys boxers and says she cant wear a pad in the boxers. She refuses to wear girls underwear too. There is nothing girly about my daughter and she wont talk to me about it and she wont let me show her or talk about how hygiene etc...What do i do??? Deb

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User - posted on 04/23/2012

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Aileen, I kept her home from school today and i tried to have a talk to her without her siblings around. We went shopping and i told her she could choose her own underwear, she chose the same boys boxer briefs she already has and i suggested we buy one girls pair so she can try that when she gets her next period. She let me pay for them and we had lunch out and i thought we made a little progress today. But tonight she comes into my room throws the new underwear on my bed and says im not wearing these, she said i dont like them , i tried them on and im not going to wear them. I asked her to just fold them and put them in her cupboard and then she got very angry and i ended up yelling at her and then she slams her door and is in tears. She is such a strong personality and she beats me down constantly. Its like i cannot do anything right. I do worry about her periods being heavier as she has a platelet disorder and we were warned that she quite possibly could bleed heavier when her periods begin. I have bought her tampons ( Mini sized) pads, a bin, wipes and now new underwear. I am getting so annoyed and angry at her. I dont know what else to do , she wont talk to anyone about these changes and her attitude is quite selfish. I am feeling like i am losing control of my own emotions while not dealing with this very well.

Aileen - posted on 04/21/2012

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Hi Deb,
My eldest was exactly the same. Was and still is sports mad and like your daughter is at the top of her sport. She only wore boys stuff and when ever I brought up the subject of puberty she would cry and say "I don't want to grow up I want to stay 10 for ever". She developed early so what I did was put together a little pack which had a towel, wipes and a spare panties. I offered it to her one lunch time while she was eating and told her to keep it in her school bag for when ever her periods came. She pushed the little bag down the school bag with the full might of Teenage Attitude!!. She is now 13 and has come to terms with periods, she's had to she's had them for 2 yrs. She came to me some time later and hugged me and thanked me for the kit and said it made her feel much more comfortable knowing she had her kit. It is all about the fear of change I think. While some girls skip into puberty others like your daughter and mine just don't want to know. Try to be patient with your dauther, I would purchase a variety of pads in the store and leave them in her bedroom to examine at her leisure. She will realise the discomfort of it all if she doesn't wear a pad when in the morning she wakes up and has soiled the sheets. She will come around of that I have not doubth. Don't panic. She will talk to you when she is ready.

User - posted on 04/21/2012

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Thanks Louise, yes you hit the nail on the head with her. She is very stubborn and strong willed. How do i get her to the shops to make her choose some suitable underwear. I went to the shops earlier and she wouldnt leave the house. Normally if she knows im going near a shop she is in the back seat before i get to the car so i think she is not at ease with this. I dont want to scare her or embarrass her but she also needs to deal with this head on. I have dreaded this day as i knew this would be her reaction =(

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User - posted on 08/06/2012

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Daughter got her 2nd period yesterday. I am so stressed. I have made an appointment at our Dr today to have a chat about what to do or at least help me to cope. 13yr old is bleeding over all her underwear, sheets, shorts and is still refusing to wear any sanitary aids. I am at my wits end as she is refusing to go to school too now. I told her she has the choice to wear or not to wear but she must go to school. I told her the consequences of doing either and she is shutting down and wont talk to me about it. I have bought everything she needs. I have tried lovingly talking through her fears. I just dont know what else to do. I feel for her but if she would only talk to me i would be less stressed and frustrated. I have an auto immune disease and this stress is killing my condition too. Thanks for listening , i guess i just need to vent =(

Jen - posted on 04/29/2012

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I really have no advice for you except everything that everyone else has already said. You are trying, and that's what matters. I think you should just make it really easy and less embarrassing for her to come to you.

User - posted on 04/26/2012

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HI Deb, Just checking in with you to see how things went. have things settled down ?

User - posted on 04/23/2012

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Hi Deb,

Sorry I replied from my other facebook page earlier incase you are wondering who the stranger is with the little boy on the horse and cart!!!!. Listen I agree with Tabitha. If it is causing you too much stress and making your daughter angry, let her use the boy's boxers. Whats underneath her clothes isin't what matters once they can hold a pad. But I think your daughter is having more difficulty with just becoming a teenager and its what the pads represent thats upsetting her. This is what the issue was with my daughter. I honestly think that she will come around in a day or two. she will have no choice. How did she manage when you went shopping with her, did she put anything on?

I think maybe at this stage you should leave her alone for a while. As with most things in life it's a learning process for her. Just be there for her, but don't let the attitude slide too much. Let her know that she upsets you when she gets angry. Please let me know how you get on. Good luck and if you feel you need to vent I'm at the other end of cyber space, throw me a line and I'll read and understand I promise

Tabitha - posted on 04/23/2012

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She can still wear pads with boxer briefs, I wear boy cut shorts and have no problem with pads. I can't use pads with wings but regular pads work just fine. You need to MAKE her sit down and talk about at least the basics...cleanliness, preparedness, remedies for aches and pains. Let her use her regular undies that she's use to, make sure she always keeps some pads, wipes and and extra pair of undies with her and let her be. Don't try to push your preferences on how she should handle it. As long as she knows that you're there if she has questions, she'll figure it out.

User - posted on 04/23/2012

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Hi Deb,

If she has the problem with the platelets perhaps you could bring her to the doctor under the pretence that she has to have a check up. You could contact your GP prior to going and tell him to discuss the periods and what she has to do to protect herself, she may listen to the doctor. Please don't worry about your emotions. I can tell you that we all do that. We are all only human afterall not superhuman. It takes a might women to deal with Teenagers at the best of time never mind one who is so strongwilled and determined. There's a thought!!!! maybe appeal to her from that angel. Tell her that she is upsetting you and that as her mother you want the best for her. I don't know I know that sometimes works with mine. There are tighter underpants which she could use but I don't think i'd go with the tampons just yet. if she's having difficulties with periods in general I don't think she would welcome the idea of inserting a tampon. If

User - posted on 04/23/2012

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Tammy, Hi love. My daughter is oh so stubborn and strong willed. I too like yourself have tried relentlessly to prepare her for this puberty changes and she has refused to talk to me about this. Now its happening and she is digging her heels in more than ever. She has turned into a monster. I have bought her boys boxers and everything is not good enough. I dont know what else to do. I gave her pads and mini tampons and she refuses to talk about anything.

Aileen - posted on 04/22/2012

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I don't think I would let her leave the house without protection. Kids are cruel and if she did leak(as she would inevitablely) and the other girls noticed it they would give her a hard time, and unfortnately they don't forget easilly either, that episode could follow your daughter for a long time. If she is adamant not to wear one and if it wasn't suggesting too much, maybe you could give her a day or two off school and take the opportunity to try and talk to her some more. At this age I think girls are all about their own image (regardless of wheather they are girly or tomboy) They are finding the "New Me". I know this goes without saying but empathise with her. Maybe tell her how you felt when you got your first period. I would ask her what her friends on her team do when they have their periods? Relate it back to her peers? While she is obviously a strong personality and independent ( like my daughter) she will still want to be accepted by her peers. The other thing to keep in mind that her first period will be very light, and also it could be months before she gets her next one so you will have time to talk her around.

Tammy - posted on 04/21/2012

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My almost 11 year old is also in denial about puberty. She gets angry about me mentioning it. With bras, I had to just put them in her drawer. She still wouldn't wear them. I got her several tank tops with built in bras and she will wear those! I've tryed to talk to her about starting her period soon. She won't listen! I bought her a cute zipper pouch with pads in it for her back pack. It freaked her out! lol If your daughter wont wear girls underwear, will she wear regular boys underwear or boys boxer briefs? Maybe try that. Who cares if it's boys underwear if she will wear them so she can wear a pad. Good luck!

User - posted on 04/21/2012

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Thanks Aileen....yes its so hard when she never wanted to even talk about it. I have done everything i can for now and i guess she will come around in time. But do i let her leave the house without protection if she is refusing to wear it? Like school and training???

Louise - posted on 04/21/2012

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Maybe let her buy her own underwear. Tell her what she needs. She needs to have a gussit so that she can stick the pads on. Take her to the shops and leave her to it. You can always take it back if she comes back with something totally wrong.

I suppose it is giving her a choice that may be more appealing to her. Good luck with this one you have your work cut out! :-)

Louise - posted on 04/21/2012

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Sit her down in private and tell her she is going to listen to you whether she likes it or not. Every month she will be in the same mess and she needs to deal with it. Tell her that you will take her to the store and buy her whaterver underwear she wants. You can buy girls trunks if that is what she wants to wear, but she must wear a bad or she will bleed through her clothing and then get teased. She may want to use tampons at a latter date, but stress to her that she must change them regularly because of the risk of infection.Tell her she can not ignore this as it is going to happen if she wants it to or not. I think you are going to have to be quite forceful with her to make her listen. If she storms off then tell her that if she is not willing to talk to you then may be she would like to talk to another female relative or the school nurse.

It sounds to me that she is in denial of her woman hood and that she is going to rebel against it. Mother nature is not going to go away and she needs to face it head on. She may settle when she realises she cant win this one.

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