Devastated that 18 yr old daughter left home, how do I cope?

Patty - posted on 10/01/2011 ( 46 moms have responded )

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My daughter left home suddenly after catching her in lie. Long story short, she has grown to hate her dad and will have nothing to do with him. She is living at her boyfriend's parents house while he is away at college. I feel betrayed that she is there because neither me or my husband like the boy or his mother. I resent my husband for driving her away. She has always been a near perfect daughter, smart, funny, responsible and the only trouble is with her dad who has been verbally abusive to her. I cry just about everyday because I miss her so badly but she won't come home and she bare ly communicates with me. My husband wants to make things right with her but she won't even bend. She is still driving our car and using the cell phone we pay for but is unwilling to compromise or forgive.I just don't know what to do. I hate that she is living in that house and don't want her there when the boy comes home for the holidays. Any advise out there?

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Anabelle - posted on 05/21/2013

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My situation is similar, my 18 y/o daughter left home last Saturday and I am devastated and hurt. I don't know how to cope with this. She graduated from high school in January and we were looking forward to go to her graduation, instead she moved in with her boyfriend and his parents. There were times when I had 3 jobs just to be able to provide for 5 people in the family. Now she calls me crazy b.. and a stalker if I try to call her. His parents are no help, they are acusing me of not giving her the freedom she wanted. All I wanted for her is to have a better life than I. I am at the breaking point right now but I have a 10 y/o too, and she needs me. Anything out there to make me feel better? :(

Nolongeramum - posted on 07/12/2013

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t has been almost 4 months now since our dd walked out to live with her bf and his wonderful mother. Since my last post we have only had the odd text and that was only when she wanted something.

We have tried to keep in contact with her but if she bothers to reply it is just a one word answer eg fine, which tells us nothing.

She has always been a daddy's girl so her dad went to bf's house the other day to give her some post as it still comes to our house and his mother answered the door and said 'she doesn't want to see/speak to you as she is going out and doesn't want to get upset' I ask you why would she get upset all he wanted to do was hand over her post. He did refuse to give it to bf's mother. Then would you believe a few hours later a friend rang us to asked if we had seen the photo bf's mother had put on facebook titled 'her wonderful family' and there was our daughter all smiles in the photo with bf and his sisters and their children but not sisters partners. We couldn't see the photo as she had deleted us from her account so my friend sent it to me.

I just feel that there is no point anymore trying to talk to her or wait for the little crumb she may throw our way one day. Why do our children treat us this way and not tell us what we did wrong?

Nolongeramum - posted on 06/07/2013

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My 18 year old daughter walked out almost 10 weeks ago to live with her boyfriend and his mother and don't know what to do. She is our only child and this is her first boyfriend and I do not trust him or like him very much. Our daughter told us when she first started to go out with him just over 6 months ago that he had issues but wouldn't tell us what they were and worry for her every day. She had to be with him all the time and whilst she is at college 3 days a week she texts him upto 200 times a day. We couldn't do anything without him turning up or her having to rush over to his as soon as we got back and so many other things. I think he is very controlling. She has even applied for a job where he works so they can be together even then so they will never have to spend any time apart.

Before she start going out with him we bought her a car to learn to drive and paid for driving lessons then she up and left. We haven't heard from her for a few weeks until Monday when she sent a text saying she was picking the car up on Friday - not a please, thank you or anything. We said no you haven't passed your test, she just text back 'It.s Friday' Then last night she sent another text 'I will pick the car up in the morning' her dad again said no, anyway this morning she passed her driving test and text her dad to say 'I'm on my way to pick my car up' Her dad meet her at our house and she got dropped off collected the keys, hardly said a work and drove off.

I am really hurt by the way she has become and just cry all the time. She was our world and we did every thing together and now she won't even talk to us or see us. Before she left all she did was talk about his family and how wonderful they are.

I feel like the worst mum in the world and I know this sounds awful but there are days when I go to bed that I hope I won't wake up in the morning. Pills didn't work they just made me sick.

Julie - posted on 03/02/2013

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Sorry to hear about the pain you are feeling as a mother. As a girl who moved out at 18 and lived with my boyfriend, and enjoyed his family more than mine, I can also relate with your daughter. What she is doing is "leaving the nest" and "finding her own identity and independence (as best she knows how) without you. These are both healthy and necessary things that need to occur in order for her to become an adult. However, the way she is going about it may not seem healthy or necessary to you! Identifying your feelings, and separating them from her needs is the hard part. As difficult as this is for you, it's not about you but about your daughter. I was happy to hear you met for lunch and it went well. Plan on doing that regularly, because it may be all you have for the time being.
Either way, know that you and your husband need to come together, not fall apart at times like this. You sound like you are a good mother, and that you and your husband have raised her right. She is no longer your legal responsibility, but it does not mean you suddenly stop loving or caring for her future and well being. Trust me, at this age, the harder you push towards them, the further they go away.
Be there to support her while she is away, and when she comes back (because she will eventually). Now is the time to refocus on your marriage, obviously this is a transition for ALL of you. Not communicating with him out of resentment will not helping the situation. Regardless of how you feel about him and how he treats his daughter, he has a right to know. Tell him how you feel about his reactions. He may be hurting inside just as much as you, but men have different ways of dealing with empty nest syndrome than women. He may think it's easier to call her a "bitch" than face the reality she has left his home. it just might make him feel better to pin her as the bad guy...you never know?!

Carla - posted on 10/03/2011

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I went through the same issue with my son 3 years ago. the day he turned 18 I came home to find his room empty. he had moved in with his girlfriend. I cried for weeks. It really hurt. he wouldnt talk to me because he knew I would pressure him to come home. it is really hard for parents when the children leave the home. basically you have to make the tough choices. I would suggest that you take her car (since you pay for it) I would allow her to keep the phone though, she may come to realize that she made a mistake and that may be the only way she can get ahold of you so that she can come home.

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Bobbi - posted on 08/08/2014

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It is sad, but makes me feel better that I am not the only one dealing with the same issue. I also was looking for help, or maybe answers.
My son turned 18 and left in the middle of the night walking over 100 miles, but was lucky to get a ride. He wanted to be with a girl friend that dumped him two days later. However he contacted me everyday. Then he finally moved back home after 2 months, and out of the blue he moved in with a friend. The were drinking got stupid and broke out some windows of a building. He was arrested for the weekend, and my parents picked him up paid for the windows, and told him he will live with them till he pays them back. All was good he was working on finishing school, and had most the debt paid back, but was still waiting on court date. Officer said the day before court if he was still doing good they will drop all charges. Four days before his court date he stole my mom's car, as she tried to chase him down he almost ran her off the road. She felt he was driving erratically so called 911, and the cops started chasing him. He was doing around 100 miles an hour and the speed limit was 70. The chased him for about 2 hrs before laying out spike strips across the road to stop him. He avoided the strips and got stuck in the mud. They arrested him and 3 days later they released him on an O.R. and he took off on foot to Reno which is a 3 hr drive from where he was. cops gave him a ride to my cousins house after he had passed out on the side of the freeway do to dehydration. He stayed the night at my cousins, and then my cousin dropped him off down town Reno. He wont contact anyone in the family, and all his friends say he wont talk to them. He deleted his facebook account, and his girl friend sounds a bit crazy, and she blocked me so I can't talk to her either. He now has missed both court dates, and now has warrants for his arrest. I have no idea where he might be. I believe he could have taken off to be with his girl friend in Oregon. I don't know how to deal with this, some days I am pissed and some days just hurt. We have always been close and sense he turned 17 he quit talking to me. This is the longest he has gone with out contacting me. I haven't seen him for just over a month and no word of him being arrested, or anything. I am so scared, that I will get a call that he is in a ditch somewhere. Any feed back would be appreciated.

Shirley - posted on 07/14/2014

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I am going through it too I have a 17 yr old son just graduated high school last month tomorrow he turns 18 and he decided to leave our home 4 days ago to stay at his friends until he leaves to another state to move in with his 23 yr old girlfriend who to be kind is just plain messed up oh but wait he will be staying in a room until the lease is up in August and she moves out of the place she is sharing with her boyfriend she got him a prepaid phone which he refused to give us the# so we only have an e-mail address to contact him his dad who is heartbroken as am I e-mailed him to at least let us have his cell# to keep in touch he has yet to reply. I have to wrk I have a 16 yr old daughter so I'm going through my days but there are just moments when I'm angry, or I just break down & cry or I miss him terribly this shouldn't be happening he had a good life two parents who love eachother & our children we did stuff together & yes there were consiqiences for bad behavior he had grandparents aunt & uncles who were always involved In our lives so I just don't understand why this is happening well I do it's this other person he's infatuated with but why would my son just forget everyone & everything in his life for someone he has only known for 6 -7 months I feel betrayed like nothing I did for his 17 yrs mattered i know I've heard he's growing up and wants his own life his own experiences they all leave sometime you can't keep him a baby forever he's just in lust it won't last & hell be back but none of that helps those moments of panic & heartbreak that I get

Carrie - posted on 07/07/2014

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> She has always been a near perfect daughter, smart, funny, responsible and the only trouble is with her dad who has been verbally abusive to her.

Yeah, she has always been perfect, except that you have been abusing her for years.

My god you are clueless.

>My husband wants to make things right with her but she won't even bend.

It's too late. Gosh I hate your "husband." He most likely ruined her life for many years. Fuck him.

>She is still driving our car and using the cell phone we pay for but is unwilling to compromise or forgive.

She doesn't have to "forgive" anyone.

I'm glad t hat she managed to get out of the hell that was your house. Fuck you, Patty.

Natalie - posted on 07/05/2014

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Hurting going through the same... My 19 son left to live with his dad 6 months now no calls no texts it hurts stepdad & l have done everything for this kid)':I am on Facebook..send me friend request would love to talk to you Natalie Soares..

Marisa - posted on 04/01/2014

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how are things now that she's back? I am going through this now. She just turned 18. We have had some ups and downs w/ her the last few years. My husband(her step dad) and I have had to deal w/ her running off to her biological dads house, only to have her come back when he got tired of her.That took some time to heal from because there were a lot of stressful things that happened during that time that strained our relationship. So now she's left again, from what seemed like a small thing escalated to her leaving. her step dad or as I think of him her dad, he's always been the full time father in her life, they got into an argument because she didn't want to come inside when we told her to. She felt the need to ignore me after several requests. when he went out to get her she came in, mumbling how she's tired of us, leave her alone, we embarrassed her. We are not unreasonable parents. We've always told the kids, especially her, you can be mad, but don't be disrespectful. Well considering how she's had her ups and downs here, we don't have as much patience. We all got into a shouting match and she said she can't stand us and was told if she feels that way she can doesn't have to be here, But there are rules here, and respect is one of them. if she can't listen to one small request to come in the house when it's after midnight before school, then she wont abide by the bigger things. she wont listen to me when I tell her go to class, she is now on the verge of possibly not graduating because she puts her personal issues first before school. ive grounded her, she does good for so long w/ It then slowly starts back w/ missing classes. So instead of chasing her to come back, even when I told her not to leave, I decidedto let her be. I think she needs a hard dose of reality.

Pam - posted on 03/28/2014

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I came across this site by googling for help and can relate to many of these posts. My daughter has always performed well academically and excelled in everything she did (sports,dance,etc), but for some reason we don't understand, has always gravitated towards undesirable peers and has made many poor social choices. I have had a very close, loving relationship with her; however, all along. This year at 17 she began dating a 20 (now 21year old) that has been in lots of trouble. He was raised and still lives with his grandmother. He has no bright future to put it nicely. I was so emotionally upset and insistent that the relationship cease immediately but she told me she was going to see who she wanted and it wouldn't last forever. I backed off as I knew I was only pushing her away and hoped with time the relationship would end on its own. Last month my daughter told me she was pregnant and that she wanted to have the baby. The news was devastating! It's been like going through a death or divorce...an awful roller coaster ride of extreme emotions and you just want the ride to end. I wanted her to consider all of her options. I took her to the pre-scheduled college tour so she could see what she'd be missing out on, took her to a counselor so she could talk to someone independent, had conversations with her and the boys mother and grandmother, had my parents give her loving guidance. Over a week ago she moved out and is now living with her boyfriend at his grandmothers house. She was not living by our rules and chose not to come home one weekend. She said she did not want our relationship to change and she was not intentionally trying to hurt us. She was scheduled to graduate with academic honors, but now she'll be lucky if she graduates at all! On top of all of this, my daughter has also had health issues this year and was preliminarily diagnosed with lupus anticoagulant (high risk for blood clots and miscarriage). Two days ago I had to pick her up from school and take her to the ER. They determined through ultrasound that the fetus has no heartbeat. While her Dad and I were with her, we were told that other family was waiting outside. The words were crushing! People that barely know her are now her family, and to top it off, people that we have no desire to associate with (poor character and judgment). She ended up leaving the hospital with them vs us. She has not expelled the tissue yet and may need to have surgery. I wanted to be there for her as her mother, but except for two subsequent calls I made to her, she has not contacted me. I thought that this miscarriage was a blessing and would give my daughter an opportunity to re-evaluate her life. Afterall, it was not a planned pregnancy. Now a close friend of her has texted me heartbroken because she says that my daughter plans now to get pregnant again! She said she doesn't even seem like the person she knew that had goals and desires to do something with her life. It's like the cesspool she's living in has just sucked everything out of her! She needs serious help and I feel so helpless as her mother that I can't do anything because she is now 18 (December). At the moment, my love has turned to anger. I wish there was some intervention available. I thought the miscarriage was a divine intervention but the pregnancy was just a symptom of much bigger issues and I need a much bigger divine intervention. It hurts so much to see my daughter who I love immensely and who has great potential to have a good life for herself have everything she's worked for go down the toilet in a matter of a few short months. This feeling of helplessness aches so bad! I understand an 18 year old wants independence, but going to the "school of hard knocks"? I don't get it. Why would my daughter choose to get pregnant when she can't even take care of her own self right now? I'm so worried about her! She has not been back to school since the hospital because she's afraid to be in school and start bleeding. However, she told her Dad that she went to the mall today with a friend that graduated in December!!! Where is the sense? I wish I could go get her from his grandmother's house and bring her home! I don't understand why she is enabling the situation. It's contributing to the destruction of my daughters life.

Pam - posted on 03/24/2014

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My situation kinda close. Have 3 teens, 1 with Autism and lives in a group home. After 16 yrs of marriage to a man that really as courts called Abusive. He is horrible. My then 12 & 14 yo HATED him and begged me to get divorced. I tried then took him back for about a yr till he just was evil and treated my poor daughter so neglectful kills me. I tried so hard to make them adjust after him out. He is so in Contempt of Court unreal. He has lied about his income and lives just fine. But has so pitted the two at home against each other he needs to be in jail. My daughter has said for all this time still hates him and wants nothing to do with him. Until he dangles money in her face. My now 16 yo son is stuck in middle and I am so stressed it's not right. But when my daughter whom I thought with. Yes the las yr stessfull and typical teenage girl arguments. But she turns 18 and 2 weeks later announces moving into my so called now ex-mothers. She worships them. They plotted this whole thing for about a yr behind my back. Thats just wrong but hide behind God which I am sorry pray He gets them for this. But my daughter then becomes buddies with abusive ex who still lives in another state. But she's not even graduated and almost won't. She's rebelling big time and who gets blamed? ME. But I have no idea why? What did I do so can work on it. This lil kid has all the power over me like a puppet. At times I am so angry at her. She posted very graphic letters of suicide and drug use online which is not at all ok since my father committed suicide at the same age I am now. She took them down but I have a couple stored in my computer they make NO sense. Blames ex, then me (all lies) then herself. I am totally useless to the other kids with pain. Everyone says let her be she will come back. WTH? Will I be alive? And how can I forgive this? I love her so much this is to much and I am a strong person. Everything always my fault? I am no angel and sure screwed up along the way. But how come ex is even walking around and not in jail? Oh yeah, i have to press charges. My son also is torn, 1st his Dad who was close to a looser, then his Sister ditches us. And Mom's loosing it to. Any suggestions?

John - posted on 03/14/2014

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people the bottom line of all this is very simple.you bring them up care fore them love try to give them direction and guess what ,gone in a matter of days,youths of today have no family values.its all about them and nobody else.imagine the generations to come???,sometimes you have to let go of the self pity and see it for what it really is.the goverments has done a wonderful job with technology.internet mobile phones,media,think about it.my daughter was home in body but never in mind????,we all know the details but what is the culprit,a big industry slowly destroying families ,relationships and the rest.the youths today nearly all become a product of society.

Patricia Jean - posted on 03/01/2014

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I also feel that I can never recover from this. I have so much regret. So much hurt. I just don't know how to carry on. I don't know what to do with myself. You are not alone xoxo

Mel - posted on 02/17/2014

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My step daughter left one week ago today. She is 18 had a few months until graduation but had to leave the hell hole she lived in thats what she wrote in a text to me. She is a beautiful and bright girl who had hooked up with the wrong crowd in high school. Her grades fell she was grounded more than she was allowed out. She had a very close relationship with her Dad but she left with no notice went to school on Monday morning and was on a plane by noon. We found out because she told the dean. She felt she was abused verbally by her dad which at times she was. He couldn't undersatnd her choices. She told me that she needed to grow and couldn't do it living in our house . She felt she had to walk on eggshells around him. She has broken this man he felt they had a great relationship they did everything together he took her and her friends around all the time. She would never share her real feelings with him only me and if I spoke about anything she would deny ever saying. I fear for his health but she limits that time she speaks with him because he is always asking what did I do wrong and she will not tell him. She has always been manipulative and caused many fights between us over the years. She states she has never been happy. She left to live with her 16 yr old boyfriend at his monthers house in another state. I do not understand how any other parent could allow that. My prayers are with all of you. I am in touch with her daily I have chosen to be supportive and tell her that my house is always open.

Mrs Pauline - posted on 01/05/2014

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I feel for you as am a mum when I sleep I can't sleep then I don't want to waken up either I feel so hurt and alone I feel my heart has been ripped out? We love our child so so much but. In my situation my daughter was full of laughter plenty of good friends then she meets this boyfriend and she has no friends now and her attitude is very nasty? I think the boyfriend is controlling her mind but she says she is happy and now she can do what she wants she is moved in with him as his mum has a partner and her son has been left the house. I think we will have to let her get on with it and stay out her life? I have tried everything but we get no help in this cruel world now ? So sad being mum when they leave with no warning lol xx

Mrs Pauline - posted on 01/05/2014

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I am a mum at my wits end? My daughter moved out on her staff night out on dec 7th that's almost 5 weeks now she is staying with boyfriend that we can't trust and he has no attitude to life. We are trying to get on with life but my husband and I are so hurt as we have giving her everything in life ? She won't come home? I have tried talking And texting her but she doesn't care how much she is hurting the family. She says this what she wants and doesn't want mouthing to do with us? I can't sleep we are not coping with this situation and we feel it's made our Xmas and new year hell? Can't sleep and my daughter is in my head 24/7 please help I feel that we have lost her...

Nan - posted on 11/19/2013

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Let her go at least you still have child to care for thru your experiences the one had left u been hurt deeply. Now your should give more attention to your presence and not make the same mistake.let this child with you work and raised to have her repect that you happiness will comply .when she grows up with the boy she has will keep all happy and be close in the relationship. Nan

Sue - posted on 11/11/2013

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Hi, I had to post this to give everyone hope. It's been almost three months since my daughter (now 17) left home. I must say it feels a lot longer. Yesterday I received a text saying she had told her dad that she was moving back home. She had asked me prior to this.

I have to say I was devastated when she moved out but within time I started to get used to it and all the time I had to myself and my husband. No more teenager mess. No more driving her all over the place,picking up friends waiting up until late to collect her from birthday party's. No more worrying about how she's going to cope with all her schooling, work and tafe courses. If I didn't hear about it I didn't worry about it.

Well, now she has had a taste of the other side and has found it's not so easy. While I do feel she has learnt a few things I also feel I myself have learnt to let go of those apron strings and let her find her way in life. They need to make their own mistakes and learn for themselves out in the big wide world. If we try to pull them back they will only go further away. Leave them be as long as their safe and let them learn for themselves. If we back off and let them come to us when their ready, I found that was a much better approach. Wait until they are ready to ring you. It really does work.

My daughter has now told her dad that she is now moving back with me. No he won't be happy about it but he hasn't contacted us once since she left not even to tell us that she was living there and was safe. That three months was the longest three months of my life, but really she didn't last very long away from her home.

I wish everyone out there that is going through the same problems all the best and I'm just letting them know that things will improve in time. Now I'm looking forward to my daughter coming home.

Anj - posted on 10/31/2013

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My daughter left at 19, 2 months after i gave her a car. She lives at her best girl friend's house. i have tried to communicate with them that what they r doing is wrong. The dad is a lawyer. The mother said i should be grateful that they r taking her in. In the meantime their own daughter is away at college in her junior year. My daughter lives at their house while their daughter is attending college in San Diego. My daughter won't talk to me. i am a single parent who has given my daughter everything that money could and couldn't buy. She has turned on me in such a negative way. There is no dad in this situation, only me, i was inseminated. She won't talk to me. Only sees the negative. It's a mess. i haven't had contact with her for 4 months. My heart cries every night.

Christela - posted on 10/04/2013

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You described my complete situation! I try to have a relationship with her but she puts no effort and I feel she cares more about his family than ours. We all begged her not to go and she still went and never looked back. Will I ever be fully happy again? I'm constantly thinking of what our family was before this 3 weeks ago and it makes me feel like I'm falling to pieces and that I failed as a mother. How did your situation turn out?

Chris - posted on 09/16/2013

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I too going through the same thing, I was not prepared didn't think it would happen to me. She left in 6/2013, its not September with not indication of returning home. She makes it seem her dad and I are such horrible parents. doesn't even want to talk with us. I am so devastated. she is my first born. I always thought my kids and I would have a great relationship, like they show on these movies - not so in real life. she is living w/one of her friend and her friends' mom. I don't understand why some parents would have another parent's child living with them and not try to contact the child's parents - they are parents too - don't they think about the emotion wreck the other parent's are going through. Hope all the parents who are going through the same thing will find piece and happiness some how. I am trying to focus on my other children hoping when then get older they won't do the same thing.

Sue - posted on 08/29/2013

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HI, Sorry to hear that your daughter has left home. I try to look back at when I was a teenager and all the bad choices I then made. I think the teens these days are a lot more disrespectful. They don't seem to care about how the most closest people to them are really feeling. I think the just think about themselves and that's it.
Your daughter sounds smart and responsible but she is still a teen.

I too have been going through the exact same thing. Only my daughter is almost 17 years old and is still at school. She didn't like me saying 'NO' to a boy coming over on a school night so she quickly packed a small bag and fled out the door. Later came back with police and got the majority of her clothes.
I find out later that she is now living full time with her father. He didn't ring me to let me know where she was . It was call from child support.

Like you I am absolutely devastated. It has been 3 & half weeks now with very little contact. Only text to ask for a dress. I then felt that's the only reason she contacted me for. No 'sorry' No' I'd like to see you'. As if nothing had happened.

She was my life My husband & I did everything for her. Pick up friends, drop off etc but firm at the same time. We told her as she gets older we would allow more freedom. Which was happening. She is still at school which I am greatful for but I feel completely cut out of her life.I know exactly how you are feeling right now with your daughter living with her boyfriends mother. That mother should be encouraging her to come see you and try work things out. After all YOU are her mother. Good luck and I really hope she contacts you soon.

Kelly - posted on 08/15/2013

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Sorry to hear about what has happened with your daughter. I too am having the same problem. My daughter left last week also to live with her boyfriend and his dad. For us was a bit different. She didn't want to live under any rules and if we told her no, she couldn't go somewhere, she would respond with "I'm 18." Problem was this is our house and she had some rules to live by. Nothing major just to clean her room, take out the trash, help with dishes, and be involved with the family from time to time. She wanted to sit in her room playing video games all day and have me drive her to and from work. She wanted also to come and go as she pleased. The boyfriend we don't like either. He is the one who would ask her why she had to listen to us if she was 18. We had dogs and asked her to alternate weeks with her other sister in letting the dogs out to do their business. Well during her week, she never wanted to take the dogs out and would say "they are not my dogs, they are my sisters dogs." So at times, so my husband wouldnt get mad, I would take them out for her during her week. Otherwise the dogs would go inside and she would get mad because she would have to clean up the mess. Her boyfriend also would tell her they are not your dogs, you shouldn't have to help with them. She also stopped eating at home and didn't want to help at all with anything. On a week that her boyfriend was on vacation, she was completely different. She was helpful and even buying us dinner. She didn't complain one bit about rules, then the boyfriend got back and she was back to being a jerk to everyone. So this last week she got mad that I wouldn't let her walk to a restaurant and gave me the I'm 18 speech. In the end, she walked out the door and came back later to pick up her stuff and moved out. I am in pieces over it because she hasn't called once since she left over a week ago. I know exactly what you are going through and I am not only upset over the move but worried for her. She doesn't exactly make good choices. She is a good girl but very naive.

Nolongeramum - posted on 08/13/2013

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Welcome Sue.

I am sorry to hear that you too are going through this nightmare and hope that everything works out for you soon. I wish it was true about 'Karma' and pray every day that my dd's bf and his mother suffer just as we are suffering which I know is wrong but it is what I feel. I also think we have lost our daughter for ever and that is hard to handle and feel that there is only one way out because I will never get over this as long as I live becasue the pain is just too much to bear.

Sue - posted on 08/11/2013

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I am new to this site so I hope I am responding correctly. I can fully understand how you must be feeling.This has just recently happened to me and my life is just isn't the same anymore. One thing I do think is that rarely do these sort of relationships last and I have noticed that generally it backfires on those helping and interfering.'Karma'. In time, I think your daughter will realise and she will see the much clearer picture .This post is a little late so I would be happy to hear if things have changed for the better? Also worried mother

Nolongeramum - posted on 07/24/2013

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Your dd's bf sounds so much like my dd's he too has issues but she won't tell us what they are and we are sure his mother asked her to stay to keep him in control. Our beautiful dd was so happy and we were a close family before he came on the scene but within 6 months his mother had asked her to move and she walked out on us without a reason and that was over 4 months ago. I have tried talking to his mother but we just go round in circles because she doesn't see anything wrong and can't or won't see our point of view.

We have tried to keep in contact with her but she hardly repies and then she tells us she never got our messages which I find very odd but what can we say ( I think he deletes them if he gets to her phone 1st). Just last week her Dad tried to see her at their house but his mother wouldn't call her saying 'our dd didn't want to get upset as she was going out', all her dad wanted to do was giver her post that still comes to our house. Would you believe that within minutes of him leaving our dd sent him a text asking what was wrong so she was listening all the time but wouldn't come to the door.

I too wish our nightmare would end and our dd comes back to us and I hope your dd comes back to you too.

Tamie - posted on 07/13/2013

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I've posted about my daughter doing a similar. I am Shocked that so many "Parents" are allowing other people's " 18 year olds" to move in with them. In our situation, my husband contacted the boyfriends mom and told her that he wanted her to have Sara move home and work things out with her own parents (what a strange concept) and that was 4 months ago and Sara was still there. This son has alot of severe anxiety issues (supposedly enough that he attends school online instead of physically attending) and I think the mom is using Sara to keep the son in control or "make the son more normal". What I don't understand is why Sara is going along and actively participating in this. I don't know. Sometimes I think they are drugging her. It's like a nightmare that doesn't end.

Tamie - posted on 07/13/2013

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So happy to hear that things are looking better for you all. This also gives me hope that my situation will someday change for the better

Tamie - posted on 07/13/2013

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My daughter moved out the day after she turned 18. She calls it moving out but to us it seems like running away. She lives with her 17 year old bf and his mom. She dated him for 2 months before she moved in. The mom acts like I should be happy. From what we have been able to find out, the mom has been married and divorced 3 times and is currently single, she is an LPN (which is fairly low pay) , she's had alot of bad-debt which we found on public court records, she moves alot, she says she is a Christian but allows my 18 year old to share a bed with her 17 year old son (who is still a minor). I meet her at Church one time and spike with her briefly,I do not know thus woman, nor does she know me. She tells me that she understands Sara and was like Sara when she was young and that the moms relationship with her mom was like mine and Sara's. She makes this wise decision in having talked to me 2 minutes in the Church lobby. Sara moved out the end of March. My husband is an RN and I am a Workers Compensation Claim Adjuster, we have been married 22 years, we have tried to be the best parents we knew to be. Are we perfect? No, far from it. We have made mistake. But Sara was never abused in any way. Sara had always seemed happy at home. Yes the teenage years were a little rocky, but I thought that was normal. Sara and I had both gone fir couseling, sometimes together and sometimes separately. My husband and I are mostly worried for Sara's safety, we are also very hurt and confused. Sara says very mean things to us thru texts. She will say horrible things and then say that she loves us but wants no contact with us. They won't let us know where they are loving. We fear for Sara. I am going to counseling . I pray and pray and pray

Sheila - posted on 07/12/2013

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My son, 17 years old, left last Saturday and is now living with a friend but won't tell where he is. His girlfriend is on an humanitarian trip so we cannot contact her and he doesn't have a good relation with her parents so no help there either. I have rang him (no answer) but he'll send me a text. He's angry but we were angry because of his outburst and rudeness on Saturday, he had been smoking and we found pot in his room. He doesn't want to come home as he doesn't like our rules. We didn't find the pot until we checked his room when he had left, this is a first for us to find such a thing so quite shocked. He's been moody for the last two years and fighting with me with his smoking, I don't smoke so smell it straight away. It all started with his new first girlfriend, she smokes. His grades have suffered the last two years too, he use to be great at school otherwise. Now he's on probation at school for rudeness. We decided to use the tough love approach, sent a text two days ago to say we love him, asked for him to come home and find a solution together with us. Unfortunately it's summer so he's enjoying his time with his friends without curfew (we still don't now who he is with and haven't rang around all his friends, in a bit of a quandary if to do that or just give him time) but hopefully, as we must have hope, he sees reason and comes home. I am not sure what more we can do as the authorities can bring him home but they cannot keep him home, so that is basically a waste of resources. Summer stress!

Gayle - posted on 06/24/2013

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It bothers me when other parent let teens move in without talking to the parents first. You might have to accept some things you hate and choose if you are still willing to pay for things while she makes choices you don't agree with the comforting part is she is likey going to need to move back in , and needs your support. Issues wiht Dad sound like a huge part of this. You say he wants you to fix it ? Is he willing to take any steps ? Playing house at bf parents without him there will hopefully get old.

Btw why do we hate bf so much ?

Nolongeramum - posted on 06/09/2013

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We bought the car for her just before she starting going out with her wonderful bf and it is in her name so we didn't feel like we had a choice and it will be the last thing she ever gets from us that's for sure.

She only took a few clothes from her room and her school books. I don't know if I should call her her/text her or email her to come get her stuff because every time I pass her room I just want to cry.

Maria San - posted on 06/07/2013

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It does hurt when our kids our disrespectful and ungrateful. This age is really a tough one for both teens and parents. When you give her a car and continue to support her in other ways, you are sending her the wrong message. You are telling her it is okay for her to be disrespectful and ungrateful and that you will continue to giver her things. If it were me, I would not let her drive the car nor would I support her. She is making a choice to be with her boyfriend and his mom, so let them provide her with a car.

Patty - posted on 03/02/2013

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Well, it's been about a year and half since she moved out. It was really rough the first 6 months, but she gradually started seeing all of us more and even went on a family vacation the following March. Things have improved greatly between she and her dad. He has learned to keep his mouth shut regarding certain subjects allowing her to get closer to him. We allowed to to keep the car but pay for insurance and I continued to pay her cell phone. The boyfriend moved back home after a few months, quit the school he was attending and enrolled in college here, so she was living with him in his mother's house. He decided to join the Air Force and it caused some friction between he and my daughter. She had no intention quitting school and following him (thank goodness), nor did he want her to. He doesn't know when he will leave yet and wouldn't talk to her about it, so it caused them to argue. To make a long store short, they had a falling out and she asked to move back home about 3 weeks ago. At first I was concerned that this was just a temporary situation and she would get back together with him. But the longer she has been home, the more I think it might actually be over.Since she has been home, she is spending time with her friends from high school (boys and girls) and seems happy. I hope it's permanent but all we can do is be supportive and loving. As far as I know she's not talking to the boyfriend and now sees some of the things in him that we did not like in the first place. It's so good to have her home, I've missed her so much. My relationship with my husband as improved as well. I think he realized that he almost lost me over this whole thing and has really turned over a new leaf, I'm in very happy place right now and hope to stay here a long time.

Tara - posted on 02/19/2013

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Hello
I am currently experiencing a very similar situation. My daughter turned 18 and left home the next day. She moved in with her boyfriend and his parents. She is a senior in high school. He's 20. She was not allowed to take her car and we eventually turned off her phone. She is still keeping all her school commitments and working her part time job. We took her to get an IUD the week she moved out. She has been with this guy for about 3 years. I really don't like him. She has made so many poor choices since he's been in her life. I am absolutely heart broken and miss her so bad. I cannot have a good day. I am devastated and have no idea what to do. My husband down plays the whole thing like its just something she'll learn from. Also I have a 14 year old son that is a really great kid and I'm trying to be present for him. It's just so hard to function. Any advice, ideas, words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Mary - posted on 11/29/2012

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Hi. I was just wondering how you were doing? Has your daughter come back home yet? Has things gotten better for you? I just jumped in to see what you all were talking about because I noticed it was regarding an 18 year old leaving the house. Mine left last night and it is hurting me something awful. I was hoping to learn something from this "circle of moms". Now, I'm sad because of what happened to you.

Donna - posted on 10/09/2011

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That's a tough one. But first if it was me I would shut off the cell, next I'd ask for the plates and give her the title to the car. then take her off your insurance. I'm not saying be bitchy about it or anything but if she is unwilling to compromise then maybe since she is no longer under your roof then you dont need to pay for her. I think after going without for a little while she may just change her mind, after all I think it would only be a matter of time before her boyfriends parents say get a job or get out

Maryanne - posted on 10/09/2011

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My daughter is now 19 and pregnant, living at home, the guys that she had, I did not like, but put up with for the sake of my daughter, sooner or later she would see if they would stick by her or not, if I would have said don't see him anymore, my daughter would have moved out, I rather keep an close eye on my daughter when she used to date guys than controlling who she is with, even half the guys she dated i hated, as I knew they were not right for her, I stressed every time she would go out with a different guy not knowing what he is like or where he lived, it Pissed me off many times, now she is pregnant and expecting a baby in January, the last guy she had the father of the baby is sort of in her life but not in a relationship with my daughter, don't know if he will be there after the baby is born.

The hardest thing for us Mum, is seeing our daughter making big mistakes in their young lives, even though your daughter has moved out of home, living with her boyfriend, when things get ugly she will come back to you, don't get stuck into her, let her tell you what happened, allow her to get communicative with you, the more you push them the more you will oush them away, I know it breaks your heart, what she is doing, trust me she will come back when something happens, she knows where you are, and teenagers need to learn from their mistakes, and they will grow up from their mistakes, right now don't pressure her (I know it hurts) sooner or later she will contact you, keep an close eye on her, but don't drag her away or you will loose her for sure, its hard, I have been there myself!

Goodluck, and I will pray for you!

Jennifer - posted on 10/02/2011

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it really sounds like you are really unhappy ((hugs)) :'(
I suggest you get some counseling - hopefully your husband will agree to couples counseling, but even if he doesn't you should go for you - you need to build yourself up and your 15yo will definitely feel the tension in the home and might even act out because of it. as for your relationship wiht your daughter- I suggest continuing with what you are doing -meeting her from time to time and re-establishing a relationship with her.If you dont like how your husband talks about her after those visits, maybe you could make that topic off limits between you. His responses sound a tad paranoid and self centered...could he be depressed?

Patty - posted on 10/02/2011

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I met her today for lunch and we didn't talk about her dad or any other touchy subject. She hasn't had much time to see me because of her college classes, homework and job. She caught me up on everythng going on in her life or as much as she wanted to share. When I got home my husband wanted to hear about our meeting but I wasn't ready to talk to him yet. I always leave her upset because I miss her so badly. He asked if she was a bitch to me and I said no. It makes me upset when he uses those words to describe his own daughter so I didn't even want to tell him about our discussion. He is mad at me now because he thinks she manipulates me and plots against him. We didn't even talk about him and I told him that. I'm so frustrated, I just want to run away myself. We've been married for 25 years but I can bare stand to be around him because of this. My heart is broken and I don't know how to fix it. This is really putting a strain on my marriage and we still have a 15 year old son left at home to think about. Any more advice out there?

Louise - posted on 10/02/2011

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Ask to meet your daughter in a cafe or something away from the home and her dad and sit down and chat about her future plans. She has to think about long term, is this really what she wants? Listen to her and support her, do not even bring her dad into the conversation put your relationship right first, in time you can include him but if he is verbally abusive then you need to build bridges with her first. Try and meet up regularly unconfrontationally and see how things go. She is hurting right now, may be she feels you picked her dad over her and did not stop the abuse. Children see things very one sided and she will not realise that you are stuck between the two of them.

Cindy - posted on 10/01/2011

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Hi Diane,

I am going through a similar situation with my daughter who is 15. One thing that has helped was to discuss with her the lifestyle she currently has and then what "plans" do you think need to happen in order to maintain that lifestyle. My daughter is really a fashion nut so this spoke to her.
I also asked her what she defined as "love" and what she thought he defined as "love" sometimes our definitions are just not in sync. From there I went into what she thought was made a "healthy" relationship, and what kind of goals needed to be written down to get there. She has a few shows on TV she likes, and although TV is not the best role model it helped to keep the conversation rolling. The final thing I asked her was what would she consider would be "deal breakers" in the relationship. This gave my daughter a better understanding of where I was coming from and what my expectations were. I wasn't in favor of the boy but if they spent time together at least half of it had to be under supervision and had some other rules in place as well. The consequence if she didn't adhere to the rules was that her phone (most prized possession) would be taken away so she cooperated.
Lots of prayer for guidance and wisdom were also helpful.
I hope that helps, The bottom line is they are going to do what they want so it is being creative to come up with ways to open the communication so the respect is there for me as her parent and for the rules that I have set in place.
Good Luck, sending prayers your way

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