Do I leave my 20 year old daughter alone who I think might be experimenting with alcohol and marijuana away in college?

[deleted account] ( 8 moms have responded )

I have reason to believe that my daughter who is 20 and in college is experimenting with alcohol and marijuana. She used to be open to me about everything and since she has been hanging out with a new group of friends who I don't approve of,she has been secretive and often lies of her whereabouts. I am about to resort to drug testing her but this might just strain our relationship furthermore. She tells me to trust her and the choices she makes, to leave her alone and treat her as an adult. In my heart, I know I raised her right, I hope this is just a phase that she is going through. Should I just take a step back and trust that she will eventually make the right choices? Scared and heartbroken.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/29/2012

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Ruby, you're doing fine. I know it's hard, really hard. I'm at that same point, as far as "how much do I..." But, after talking to other parents with kids older than mine, I'm assured that by doing things the way I am (requiring the same agreements as I would with someone renting a room from me), I'm doing the right thing.



It is hard. It's really hard, when you watch your baby make choices that you KNOW are stupid, and potentially dangerous. That's one thing I've always told my kids, though...If I KNOW you are breaking the law, I'll call the cops myself...both for their safety and that of the public.



Hang in there, I'm sending supporting thoughts and prayers your way. If she's a bright kid (sounds like it) she'll come through this experimental stage just fine, and you'll still have an outstanding young woman!

Chaya - posted on 08/28/2012

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drug test her if you wish and she'd living at home, mind your own business if she isn't. As long as she's not under the influence while driving, she needs to learn her own lessons, as hard as that is to do. If she gets behind the wheel while impared, turn her in. She has every right to be stupid, but not a my kids expense

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Missmack - posted on 09/23/2012

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She is 20 years old, she is an adult. If she wants to do those things then she should be able to, she is her own person. If it bothers or worries you, then you have the right to ask and say you don't want that kind of activity under your roof, but you shouldn't tell her she can't. Also you shouldn't punish her for doing something you don't know for certain she is doing and you can't punish her for being distant. What was the reason forr taking the car and money ? Did she do something to make you take it or did you do that because you THINK she is doing something bad. If you believe you raised her right and that she is a good person then you should have faith in her, trust her intill there is a reason not to. Yes you can worry, but don't accuse. Also, a majority of kids experiment with alcohol and weed in college, most do in high school actually. I say, long as she is still doing well in school, not endangering herself or others, not getting in trouble with the law and not developing a drinking problem or doing drugs, I think there is no reason to worry, punish her and I think she is fine. In a year she will be of legal drinking age, and weed isn't as bad as people think. But if it bothers you, talk to her about it. That's my advice. But in the end, she is 20 and can do whatever she wants. within boundries.

[deleted account]

I already confiscated the car, the first and best thing I could think of and do under this circumstances since I do not have any more rights to tell her what and what not to do. I am paying for the car so it's mine basically. Don't get me wrong here, she was a good student, graduated Salutatorian with big dreams, a good girl in one of the top univ. that's why I gave her all these priveleges before including a debit card attached to my checking account (that's how much a trusted her before) but just started running with the wrong crowd, quit her job, stopped volunteering, unable to cope with her classes and again all I can do is give her advice as a mother. The debit card is already suspended too. Im not trying to control her by financially withdrawing support but I refuse to finance if she chooses to be stupid at this time. So yeah, I'm leaving her alone, she is after all already 20.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/29/2012

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Chaya's got a great point. If you know that she is impaired, and driving, call her in!

[deleted account]

Thanks for your input. I do need to realize that she is now an adult, and that's her choices. None of my business except that I am fully funding her education, dorm, car, etc as she chose to not work. But now I think I know what we have to do.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/28/2012

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Oh, and I might add, the BEST way to alienate your adult children is to force your mandates on them after they're grown and moved out.



Time for you to back off on the control stick. It's been time for 2 years now.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/28/2012

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You do realize that she's an adult, right? She is old enough to make her own decisions...



If you are paying for her education, you can put limits on the funds, but otherwise, you have absolutely no right to drug test your 20 year old, unless you have a signed contract with her stating that you will enforce random testing.

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