Do I stop doing things for my 21 year old son who is disabled

Alexandra - posted on 09/22/2012

I do not feel the fact that he does not want you have a key is a disrespectful thing. Maybe there are other factors we don't know about that make you feel disrespected?

I think he probably just wants some independence. I wouldn't feel sad. Let him be himself more. And he brings the laundry to you, it means he wants to see you, he wants to be close to you. Do the laundry, if you want. If you do not want, that's fine too. But don't do it because you are mad at him.

Julie - posted on 08/09/2012

This is a tough one for sure. I don't think your son is being "disrespectful" by not giving you a key. I think he is trying to gain independence. If your doing his laundry for him was a co-dependency thing, then you were right to say, "no more". But if you were doing his laundry out of love just because, then refusing to now do so is sending the wrong message. It sounds like you and your husbands feelings are hurt (rightfully so) but it's not about you, and that doesn't make it ok for you to respond in the same child like manner. (tit for tat if you will).
My last question is are you paying the rent on this apartment? If so, you get a key regardless of his "feelings" on the subject. If not, then let him go Mama, and make sure he knows he can always bring his laundry home :)

Bev - posted on 08/09/2012

It is hard. My son also sustained a brain injury from an assault at Scout Camp the summer after his brain surgery. Today he went on a third interview for a job he really wanted and was hired....I am so proud of him.....we have to be proud of how far they have come and pray.....you have raised him and I am guessing you did a good job, now you have to rely on that...hugs

Tah - posted on 08/09/2012

If you aren't allowing him to do his laundry over there because he won't give you a key, than i would say you are wrong. It's almost like, o you won't do what I want, then i'll punish you. I moved out when I was 18 and my parents to this day have never had a key to any of my houses and if I needed to come wash clothes or anything else, I was welcome. Is there something we are missing here, because that alone doesn't constitute disrespect. It constitutes a normal 21 year old who wants to have friends over, have girls over and leave his shorts in the living room without mom stopping by cause she is in the neighborhood to straighten up.

Celeste - posted on 08/08/2012

I think you should maybe take a step back emotionally regarding this. I think its fine that he doesn't want you to have keys to his apartment and I don't think it has anything to do with who you are as parents. I also think that you should re-evaluate not letting him do laundry at your house. It seems like you are trying to get back at him for him not giving you the keys. Its okay if you don't want him to do laundry at your house anymore. Just make sure its for the right reason and not because you got your feelings hurt.

Anita - posted on 07/23/2012

I wouldn't have given keys to my parents at that age either. It's a time for him to exert independence, especially with his physical immobility. I wouldn't worry too much about him not having help in case of an emergency. He has a great girlfriend, she probably has the extra key for emergencies. He's an adult and you should be able to express your concern for his safety in an emergent situation the way you would with an adult neighbor. Bring the subject up in such a manner. "I respect that you would not like us to have a key to your apartment, but do you have someone else you could trust to give that access to. It really is a safe thing to do for anyone." Also, my landlord has stated in the lease that we should not be giving keys out and being caught could result in eviction(our outer door is locked and we are only allowed two keys per apartment) That could be the case with his landlord as well.

Beata - posted on 07/18/2012

I feel your pain, I feel your hurt, I understand where you come from. Our son survived the plane disaster on his first backpacking trip around America in the age of 18. Now he is 21 and he is on his third trip around the world. He has the scars from the first trip he will never loose, but there was nothing I could do to stop him. I have to let him go....

http://beatastasak.hubpages.com/hub/What...

Laura - posted on 07/17/2012

Thank Bev & Amy,

It is hard. Bev, my son too had brain surgery at age 13 with brain cancer. The last 8 years have been tough but we got through it with lots of physical therapy. After what we have been through it is hard to let him go. I still worry so much that something will happen. He was 13 and got suddenly ill at 2am when we rushed him to the hospital he had a ruptured brain tumor which we didn't know he had. I am scared to death what might happen to him living alone but at the same time and so proud. Thanks everyone for your support!

Bev - posted on 07/17/2012

I have a son, 20, and a daughter, 19, this weekend - both have had serious medical issues including brain surgery...for now, they live with me out of choice. When I was on college I came home to do my laundry sometimes so I could visit. My parents never asked for a key. I don't understand what one has to do with the other...doing his laundry would be a great help to him plus you are assured of seeing him often when he will be very busy in law school and with a girlfriend....I don't see disrespect in what he did but I do see manipulation is your not doing his laundry anymore because he did not give you a key...sounds like there are strings attached to your help...be very careful with that as I don't think that was your intention...one should have nothing to do with the other...think about it would you want him to say "I am not giving you a key because you won't do my laundry"? same thing....yes parenting is very difficult....good luck

Amy - posted on 07/17/2012

Maybe he brings the clothes home as an excuse to let you know that he is doing good on his on but needs a mothers touch. I would however let him know you feel like he is being disrespectful at times, and it hurts your feelings. I always brought my clothes home and that gave me time to spend with my mom while saving a little money as well. He may not want to give up the key right now since he wants to be independent, not disrespectful. Just talk to him, and then you wont feel awful and you all can work things out where no one feels bad. Since you all had to deal with the trauma of the cancer, it makes it harder to let them go to grow up on their own, but he might be just showing you he is doing well, and other than a few things he can make it and thrive. Sounds like you have a very bright son, and you should be proud! Good luck and if you really want a key which I think is a good idea, I would say if I had a key I could help you with your laundry while you are in school. Its a thought, but if not he might just need that tough love, just make sure he knows that he has hurt your feelings. Good luck :)

Elizabeth - posted on 07/16/2012

You can still do for him with out babing him. He needs to be self reliant. It sounds like he is taking advantage that you will feel sorry for him and keep babing him. Unless he is sick or can't do it for himself let him do it. Tell him if he finds a washer or dryer you'll help him get it moved in his apartment. Or you can help him shop for one. If he would like to use yours he can wash his clothes at your house but he needs to bring his own detergent and wash them himself. And inforce it. If he wants you to do it for him he can pay you. You are not his personal maid. You are his mother.

Laura - posted on 07/13/2012

Thanks Melanie, I agree!

Melanie - posted on 07/12/2012

he's not trying to disrespect you. He's just trying to be an actual adult and have freedom an opinion of his own. he's too old for you guys to have a key to his apartment. and by going to college in law school he's clearly mature enough to take care of himself. don't be angry it's not your fault or his, but don't do is laundry anymore. if he wants to taste freedom let him take care of himself completely and stop relying on you that's what he needs. he needs to have faith in himself know that he can do it on his own he can't do that if you guys keep asking for keys and his laundry for him.

Laura - posted on 07/11/2012

Thanks again! Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world but I wouldn't change that for anything. We will be fine. Thanks for all of your help.....

Shawnn - posted on 07/11/2012

Well, Laura, that doesn't change...LOL... the learning how to let go... I'm working on that one as well :-)

Laura - posted on 07/10/2012

Thank you both so much for your comments. I know part of it is letting go. It is very hard. I definitely and listening to what you both are saying and truly appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. He is functioning well and I am very proud of him. After all we have been through, it certainly is hard to let go. I am learning as he is my oldest.........

Shawnn - posted on 07/10/2012

How is not giving you a key to his home, when he's obviously a well functioning survivor, and is basically on his own, showing you disrespect? He is an adult, after all, and he does seem to be functioning rather well, if he's in law school, lives on his own, and has a girlfriend.

Since you have obviously given him signs that you would like him to depend on you more, he brings his laundry for you. You don't have to do it, I don't even do my kids laundry, and they're still in HS.

But, you arbitrarily stopping the laundry service simply because of perceived disrespect (which is actually your adult son exercising his right to privacy in his own home), is a bit childish. Could you not explain that, since he won't allow you access to his home, you now feel "used"?

Seriously. Your kid is a survivor, and he's not a baby any more. If you're going to expect respect from him, at least be willing to return it. Sounds to me like you still want to be in control, and want him to depend on you.

I don't have a problem with you not doing his laundry. I have an issue with your reason for stopping.

Kristin - posted on 07/10/2012

I understand especially because he was sick but he has been in remission for 8 yrs now and is achieving goals that lots of other people cant achieve. I know as his mother you will constantly worry over him, but i truly believe he does want to put the sickness behind him and live an average everday college student's life. You have done a wonderful job with him and he know that he can always count on you and your husband. Good for you on standing your ground on the lack of respect thing though, that is not called for at all, although most kids go through a lack of respect for their parents stage lol. My mom babied my brother and I and finally she had enough and said you guys are grown adults and on your own do you own laundry, and fen for yourselves. We were upset at first but thankful she stood her ground, which is why my kids all have chores and I make them do things for themselves so that they can be independent, because sooner or later we all need to learn to fend for ourselves. But i guarantee in a few months your relationship with your son will be 1000 times better.

Laura - posted on 07/10/2012

Hi Kristin, I totally understand what you are saying and appreciate your feedback. I guess if my son didn't get sick many years ago I would feel different but there have been times when he needed us and if we couldn't get to him that would be very difficult. It certainly is hard to let go as he is my oldest. I think I will go ahead and let him start doing his laundry. He will have to do it one of these days. I have just always did things for him and now telling him I won't kind of is hard. He still has been somewhat disrespectful in the way he says things to us and I just won't put up with it. We have treated him and my other two children well and were always there. I do not and will not be disrespected by any of them. I guess this is all a part of life. Again, I appreciate your feedback more than you know. :)

Laura

Kristin - posted on 07/10/2012

I wouldnt take it as being disrespectful he probably just wants his privacy and he probably brings his laundry over because you have offered to do it. I dont think he is taking advantage of you. I certainly would not give my parents keys to my house unless i was out of town or something and my mom used to do my brothers laundry while he was in college. I think your son just wants his independence and freedom a little bit. He is doing wonderful by the sounds of it and I know it is hard to let go of your children but you need to respect his wishes if you want him to respect your wishes aas well. He is no longer a child and is an adult and should be treated as such. DO his laundry but only if you want to, but I think no matter what parents will always being doing things for their children and when the parents get older the kids start doing more for the parents .