Does she stay or does she go to sex ed?

Kristi - posted on 05/20/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My daughter is a very grown up 12 1/2 year old. She cooks, stays after school everyday for homework club, does gymnastics. I know that sounds like every other kid in middle America. My daughter has had to grow up fast under some pretty intense circumstances. In any event, I have tried, on more than one occasion & from more than one direction to have The Talk with her. Of course, she doesn't want to talk about any of it & she gets embarrassed when we talk about her getting her period. She says it's gross & disgusting. I told her, light heartedly that yah, it kind of is but it is totally normal & we all have it & we all get used to it, etc. When I try to talk to her about boys & their body parts & then what they go through she gets angry & plugs her ears & yells at me that she does not need to know this & so on. If we get through that and make it to actual intercourse, pregnancy & birth control (in the opposite order!) she gets even worse. She will cry & she starts to catastrophize everything. She says her body is nasty & disgusting. I asked her if she was talking about all our inside stuff or her outside. She told me all of it, it is all nasty. Of course, I tried to comfort her & I talked to her about how beautiful our bodies are. What a miracle they are, especially a woman's. But she was adamant. I am worried there might be something more going on & I don't know how else to help her. I went to the school, they invited parents to come & see the materials & talk with the teacher,etc. Do you believe out of a school of 500 kids only 4 parents showed? Anyways, the teacher gave me the packet he's using in class so I brought that home & tried to go over it with her, hoping to dispell some shock value & help her ease into it. Samething all over again. Absolutely crazy mad about why should kids her age be learning about something they shouldn't even be considering until they are like at least 16 or 17 and even then that's messed up. So please, mom's who have been there, done this, I need help! Thank you!

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Louise - posted on 05/21/2012

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This is an extreme reaction to the topic. You would expect embarrassment but this is something else. Has your daughter had a boyfriend that you dont know about that pushed his luck and touched her? I am not talking about a serious assault but a grab of a boob? Women/girls who have had an inappropriate incounter do react over the top to the subject, and this may be why she feels her body is disgusting. I think it is worth trying to get her to open up to you or the school nurse.

I really would look into this more seriously because I have taken a class of 11/14 year old girls on puberty, periods, sex education and birth control, and never once come across a reaction like this. The normal responce is embarrassment, which is quickly followed by a mountain of inquisitive questions, followed by "is that it"!

Michelle - posted on 05/20/2012

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Send her to sex ed she will not react the same way with her peers around her. This is info she needs to learn and if she is not willing to learn it from you then maybe she will from the school.

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Kristin - posted on 05/23/2012

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Kristi,
I would be very concerned for your daughter. I was a sexually abused child by a baby sitter of mine and it went on for years before anything got said. To this day I have never told anyone the complete truth or details of what went on it was too humilating and embarassing to me. The thoughts of being a dirty little girl always crossed my mind and i wound up blaming myself or thinking there was sometyhing wrong with me. To me my body was ugly because of the ugly things he did to them. It is worse when the child is young, for me it started when i was 5 and ended when I was 9 or 10 (like i said I blocked a lot of those memories). Even now i struggle with my own self esteem and self worth and hate my body and im 32 now with children of my own. However your daughter needs to go to counseling and she needs to be told that she is a victim and she is NOT to blame for what those boys did to her. Please Please as an adult who knows what it is like get her the help she needs and let her know you still love her and terll her she is beautiful and it is ok to love herself that she is a VICTIM and not to blame. I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this because any form of sexual abuse is the absolute hardest thing for anyone to overcome especially girls and if you dont get her the help she needs and help her too she will end up with poor self esteem, self loathing, self hate, and self worthlessness and will head down some pretty bad roads. When i was 16 i ran away from home started drinking and wound up pregnant with an abusive jerk. I then went on to get the help i needed and having my son really helped me raise my self esteem and become the person i wanted to be and not always be the victim. But it was years and years of struggle promiscuity drinking and anger. I do not want that for your daughter. For me self meditation worked and going to the gym and meeting others who have been through the same situation. For my kids sake i got tough and i have to love me for their sake so i can protect them for ever being hurt like that. Please be strong for your daughter and let her know it is ok to talk about it and it isnt her fault. My family buried it all when it happened to me and there are details i will not speak of and some i have buried. But i grew to be a strong independent confident woman with a good job a nice home and spouse, but it takes time and counselling.and believe me it is better to do this while she is young so she doesnt have the self hatered and turns to drugs sex or alcohol to validate her worthlessness. Let her know she is worth it and she is beautiful and strong and has nothing to be embarrased about

Robin - posted on 05/23/2012

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I was initially opposed to my children having the sex ed conversations with their teachers at school. I wanted to teach them my feelings personally and religiously about sex in the home. But after converstaions with my daughters it was clear that they understood how I felt about sex at their age, it would have been more embarassing to them to be singled out and not attend the class, and their tachers understood that if at any point my daughter wanted to excuse herself from the class she was allowed to do so. It is important to follow up with what they learn in school and let them know how you feel about the topic. Yes it is uncomfortable, but they are learning all of this already from their frineds - I would rather know what they think is right, and then correct them where they are wrong. Your kids are actually a lot more mature than you want them to be.

Kristi - posted on 05/22/2012

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@ Ramona, we have talked about puberty & her period before & we have skimmed over intercourse, which is to say the bare basics. It has all been pretty casual & easy going until now. I was just using The Talk as a reference to how things were "back in the day" for my friends & me. And this time was more serious & in depth so maybe she considers it The Talk. My point was that we have been talking about it to varying degrees since she was 10 & needed deodorant. What are your thoughts on taking her to our PC, who is a female?

@ Louise, I got more worried as her reactions became increasingly worse as well. I'm quite confident there was never a boyfriend but my ex-husband has been remarried twice since we got divorced & both times there were boys in the package. I found out about a "harmless" incident between the 1st woman's 3 kids & my daughter after he was already married to the 2nd woman. The 4 kids, all between the ages of 5 & 10, the oldest being one of her boys & Grace being 7, were all out in a barn at a friend of his family's & when someone went out to check on them all but the oldest were in various phases of nudity & my daughter was lying on the ground. That's the best I could get from anyone, including Grace. He told me it was just kids playing doctor & that's why he never said anything about it. I called CPS & the police & was told there was nothing anyone could do. Now I wonder more than ever if something else happened that day. And as if that weren't enough, set of boys number 2. The oldest is about 2 1/2 years older than Grace. I have already tried to keep her away from them as often as I could, I couldn't afford an attorney at all. But one day, my husband is doing a snoop attack on our kids' emails & games, etc. he found pictures of Grace at 10 dressed up like a little street walker, make up, all of it & she had a big fake championship wrestling belt in her hands above her head & she was posed all stretched out, very provacitivly but you could see the fear in her eyes. Needless to say, she never went back there & she went to counseling & we talked, etc. She says to this day nobody, in either case, ever touched her but I'm very skeptical. That's why I am on such shaky ground here. She refuses to see another counselor. She said if I make her go she won't say a word.

You have seen all the reason's I want her to go. The other moms also think she should go & they have good, logical reasons. But you see what I thought when she was reacting like she did. I feel like I'm walking a tight rope but if I slip, Grace will be the one who falls. I appreciate Ramona's & your feedback very much.

Ramona - posted on 05/21/2012

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It should be an on going discussion, and not "the talk". Since she won't isten to you, she better do the class.

Kristi - posted on 05/20/2012

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I think she needs to learn it also & I don't want her to be "out of it" next year when they have to take it again. Next year she will be in with a bunch of new people & may not have her best friends around to muckle through it with. Thank you for posting back!

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