Drawing the line between being a mom and her friend

Marci - posted on 10/23/2009

Stop it know or hell is waiting and you will have no relationship. every time she talks rudely or is disrespectful tell her firmly that when she wants to talk to you like the young adult she is you will listen then firmly walk away. I learned the hard way, then got my girl back.

Kelly - posted on 10/23/2009

I have an eighteen year old daughter. You need to let her be herself, but when being disrespectful to you , you need to talk to her and let her know it upsets you. My daughter is back in that stage and away in college and I told her to call me when she can be nicer. Walk away from her and tell her that you do not like the way she is treating you and until she treats you better you are going to leave the room and do just that. I have a fifteen year old boy as well and sometimes you have to walk away and when they come to you and are cooled off then tell them how the way they treated you made you feel. You are her mom first and foremost and friend second. They only have one mom and they will always come back!!!!!

Melissa - posted on 10/22/2009

I agree w/ what Carol says. We too were ungrateful snots when we were that age. The funny thing is in my household my husband is the first to jump on them about being ungrateful or not pulling their weight (though to be fair to him, he grew up way before his age). All teenagers are like that and it's not that they are ungrateful (I hope) just that their lives and issues take priority. I've always told my daughter I'm not her friend, I'm her mother; that it is impossible at this age for me to guide her and set boundaries if I'm her friend. Not to say that that I don't keep an open door to talk and/or joke w/ her the way a friend does but she knows where the line is drawn. As far as the sass talk or attitude she gets things taken away when she does. Good luck!

Carol - posted on 10/18/2009

The only thing you can do, is just be there. Do what you are doing. Keep being a role model to her. She will have to find her way. We raise them right and than we have to stand back and let them learn some things on there own. Than we help them pick up the pieces when they fall. She learned to be a good person through you. Now she has to try it out. Don't take the things she says to heart. Deep down she knows how good she has it with you. But at this age they have to try there wings and unfortunatly we as mom take the brunt of their growing pains. We have to just watch them sometimes even though we want to do something or say something. I think she is just tring to find her way. If you just keep being there and doing the mother daughter thing in 1-2 years (I know it seems a long time) you will see she will have learned all these things. Sometimes it's best not to try to make them see things because it just pushes them away. Just know you are not alone every mother I know has the same problems. You get to the point that you just want to rip your hair out and you just don't see how they don't see what you have been saying. I'ts frustrating and you don't know what else to do. that's because there is nothing else to do. You are doing it all. Now is the time of waiting. Just keep plugging away.

Jennifer - posted on 10/17/2009

thanks you for the advice. We do the mother daughter lunch thing quite a bit to keep ourselves connected. It truly is the sarcasm and the ungreatfulness that hurts me the most. She know i am always there to listen it just ripps me apart when she acts snotty or ungreatful. Especially when I try my hardest to give her and her siblings a good life. I watched my mother stuggle and I could never imagine speaking or acting the way she does to my mother. Any advice to help her realize how good she has it compared to other children who are going thought tougher situatuions. I don't want her to be the mean or snotty girl who thinks shes better than anyone else. That is not how I have raised her.

Carol - posted on 10/17/2009

This is the time when you need to hold your temper the most. Sit and talk with her and if she gives you smart remarks or starts to yell. You need to just tell her that that is unexceptable and you don't talk to her like that and you expect the same respect in return. You must say it firmly and meen it but don't lose your temper. don't try to over talk her wait till she is finished talking and than take your turn. Sit at the kitchen table so you can look at each other. Put the other kids to bed or have someone else watch them. There should be no distractions. If it is poss. have a mother and daughters day out, take her to lunch it's hard to be ugly or yell in a restaurant. You have to tell her what you expect and why. But don't be upset if she roles her eyes and gets mad, It's a part of growing up and they all do it, close relationship or not. They are pulling to grow up and we are tring to keep than young. Tell her that. Tell her it is new to you also that she has to understand you never did this before and you are going to make mistakes just as she is. tell her but if you work together you both can get through this with flying colors. Just remember to listen before you talk this will show her you respect her. But remember you make the rules and she will not like many of them.Being stern, listening without losing you temper and understanding everything in a teenagers life is a major disaster, even things we think are silly. So don't make lite of her problems no matter how dumb or small they sound to you. Good luck been there done that but it all turned out, she is in nursing school and doing really good.