First "Real" Heartbreak....

Stephanie - posted on 11/17/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am new here and am looking for advice or suggestions... My daughter is 15 and has been dating the same person for the last 10 months (which is like a lifetime to her) and is her first real relationship. They have had several arguments lately and I am afraid it is coming to a break up....How do I help but not be butting in. I so want to protect her and at the same time I know somethings she has to learn on her own!!! Any ideas???

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Terese - posted on 11/19/2009

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I just went through the same thing! All you can do is listen, don't give advice. just listen.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/19/2009

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I have three teenage girls! And all of thier friends who think they live here too! One of the things I always tell the girls is to write.. Write what was good in the relationship what was bad and what they want from a relationship. Dating is all about learning. We learn what we are willing to accept in relationships and what we will not accept. Once the crying has stopped and you have loved her through it all. TALK! Talk about what is right and wrong. That she deserves the world! There is nothing she cant accomplish! Use this to teach her, afterall that is what parenting is about. If we can learn from each thing that happens to us, then we become better people. All three of my girls have a list of what they want from a relationship. When they where little it was things like blue eyes, dark hair... but then as they got bigger it was more important things like communication, respect. I am sorry for your daughter and having to go through this,.. it stinks! I hope everything works out good for you and there is something you can get out of what I am saying. Good Luck!

Lesley - posted on 11/19/2009

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My DD is now 16, and what we have done with each breakup along the way (even the relationships that have lasted only a few days/weeks) is go for 'break up milkshakes'. We go to wherever we feel like for the shake, whinge about the boy together, and figuratively wave goodbye to him when the glasses are cleared from the table. Nothing like a milkshake to send off an ex boyfriend ;) No moping allowed after the milkshake, and you can take up to 3 days to be miserable before the milkshake. Don't know why it has worked so well, but it does. Lots of her friends come over for break up milkshakes too, and it seems to work for them to. I think maybe its just because its like a punctuation mark signalling the very end of the relationship.

User - posted on 11/18/2009

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I agree with Angie
My 15 yr girl really doesn't get heart broken like others girls her age.However there has been a few bad apples with ex-boyfrends I say don't worry about butting in and protect her the best you can.

Tiffani - posted on 11/17/2009

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I know what you are going through my daughter is fixing to turn 14 though shehas never really dated she has been boyfriend/girlfriend with the same boy now for over 2 years and just the other day he called to tell her that he is breaking up but he is sorry and that he loves her. ( Why we feel that word adds the extra touch I don't know) It is hard to see your kids go through so much drama and pain when you know that they will over come it and that eventually they will find better in time- it is just finding the way for them to understand that we have been there and that we have went through it ourself. Therefore I try to give her the space she needs to clear her thoughts but also let her know that I do care and that the door is there for her if she needs or wants to talk. I have found it to be easier to let her be the one to come to me rather than me making her feel as if I am being pushy. Then I try to come up with things for us to do to get her mind off it for awhile without letting her catching on to what I am doing so that she doesn't feel that I am pitying the situation and that a long sermon is coming -generally within a short time while we are involved in the activity it comes out little by little because they all want to talk it is in everyone to want to talk just to get it off their chest but I try to sit back and allow her to find the right time! I can be the shoulder but she has to want to talk other wise they have a hard time understanding! I wish I knew of a better way to help! I am always up for some helpful advice you may have for me that will help!!! I just want them to see they don't need that extra someone (boyfriend/girlfriend) to have the beauty and good qualities within it is who they are that determines that! Thanks for being an ear for me as well!

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Dawn - posted on 11/27/2009

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i have the same problem but i have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. i dont want her to get hurt

Ester - posted on 11/26/2009

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I did not see the other mom's replies and do not know if what I say was already said.. I would recommend just being there and let her talk - especially when the breakup is over. Then be very honest with her about how you see it. As long as she experience that it is/was not "just a puppy-love" in your eyes, Putting things in perspective might help a lot (also to ensure her knowing she may cry as much as she needs), but at the same time the listening will do the most in helping her to open up and talk about her loss and feelings. Wishing you strength & wisdom :-)

Daisy - posted on 11/24/2009

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I dealt with this with my daughter last year. I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut and open support by simply listening. When my daughter told me about her heartbreak, I let her cry, vent, and I just simply listened...without judgement. She did the right thing by breaking up with her b.f. She said, she felt uncomfortable and felt it was getting too serious too early and she still had other things to really focus on. I simply told her how proud I was, and that breaking up with someone is not the end but a beginning for her. Then, I took her out to Starbucks, had some frappucino and gave sound advice without being too critical. I always tell my daughter, no matter what...she and her dreams come first. Boys can wait...and if they don't they're not worth the headache. I think focusing on the positive helped. The fact that she's too young, she has her whole life ahead, I tried being hones, that too many kids get too serious, and give up too many things too soon. I simply refocus the issues to have her see "the BIGGER PICTURE". I hope this helps.

Deedra - posted on 11/21/2009

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yes my son is 16 and it's not easy believe me ,but the first thing is just listen don't judge her give advice if she asks for it. but always be that concern parent without making it seem like you are being pushy.you can be her parent and her best friend too. i know me and my two sons that are 13 and 16 are the very close i let them know that I'm always here if they need to talk. and give them so much love that if something does happen they will come right to you also keep a close eye with the arguements there having to cause sometimes it can be a sign of some else going wrong in the relationship like abuse. just watch closely.

Angie - posted on 11/17/2009

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My son just broke up with his first girlfriend. There is nothing you can do right now. All you can do is be a sounding board for her and be supportive. If he becomes abusive then everything changes and you should step in and do whatever you have to do to keep her safe.

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