Frustrated with my 13 year old daughter

Cassandra - posted on 01/05/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I have three kids, but the one that frustrates me the most is my 13 yr old middle child. My daughter can be the most loving, helpful girl on the planet. Blink, and she's this raging, mouthy, bratty teenager that I have no clue who she is. Don't get me wrong, I don't tolerate it. She gets grounded, she gets priviledges taken away, she loses fun time. I always warn her, you are going to get ..... whenever she starts and yet, on and on she goes. My best friend will sit there and be amazed that my helpful, wonderful daughter is now a raving lunatic. I keep telling myself it's hormones and she's growing up and testing, anything to keep myself sane. Heck, I even got her counselling to see if talking with someone other than me would help. She told me, mom, if there's something I want to talk about I'll tell you, NOT a stranger and boom that was it. For the record, the councellor said, normal teenager. REALLY??!?! I have a 15 yr old son that is NOTHING like this. I'm sure we will both survive, but I really needed to see if I'm the only one with the Jekyll and Hyde teenage daughter, and vent a little. :)

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Delicia - posted on 02/21/2013

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No, you're definitely not alone. I have two girls ages 14 and 12. My 14 yr old went through it just like you're daughter at 13 and still does at 14 but not as much. I don't tolerate it either but what I really had to learn is not to immediately react to this behavior without thinking about what I'm going to say or do, it only made matters worse for us. I've learned that once I was calm and/or we both cooled down I could relay my feelings to her but also 1st find out what's "really" bothering her and listen, listen, listen. This wasn't easy at 1st but getting better. Both of my girls finally told me that my husband and I didn't listen to them vs. only hearing them. I've improved on that tremendously, my hubs on the other hand... well let's just say he's not here to defend himself. I went from my 14 yr old telling me she'll never come to me with her problems to guess what? She does. It does get better. But you have to meet each other half way and remember she's trying to find her own identity now. That doesn't mean back off from being her mom, but go from being warden when she was small to now let's say a supervisor if you will :) I never noticed until my mom asked if she tends to act this way during her menstrual cycle and I believe she actually does. Hope this helps. Good luck. We're in this together.

Melinda - posted on 01/10/2010

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What I find interesting.......I am an american living in europe. European children dont act the same as the american children. Europeans dont believe in the terrible twos (cause it doesnt exist) and they dont tolerate or have minimal problems with their teenagers. One of the MANY reasons I moved. They must be doing something right....right?

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Daffiny - posted on 03/05/2013

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it sounds to me there is something bothering her or if its not to late try and sit down with her and see whats going on I have 3 girls my self and I told my oldest that she can come to me when ever she needs to talk we can go some where so its just me and her and I will help the best I can and no body will know but us and it worked all 3 of them come to me and say mom I need to talk can we go some where and talk never yell just listen and when they are done give them your best opinion how ever u wish to help then give her the biggest hug you can and say I love u with all my heart if u ever need something im here for u.

CAnn - posted on 03/05/2013

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What can my daughter do with 12 year old daughter that is progressivley becoming near violent, abusive in her lanuage, will not go to school nor get her homework. She has had her phone and laptop privileges taken away. She spends her time in her room in bed will not get up for school on her own and when my daughter has to step in to get her up, then the boom drops. Daughter is very concerned with her 5 year old seeing her 'sissy' act this way.
The 12 yro has very little family interaction unless forced to. My daughter is very concerned because when the 12 yro lashes out it is getting violent and she accuses her Mom of abusive behavior. At one point about 3 months ago they actually brought in a legal element to try to jar her; which did work for a short while but has now gone back downhill. I am at wits end too because I hear the pain in my daughters voice because she only wants her child to be happy. Please any help I can pass on or recommend.

Worried Mom and GranMom

Daffiny - posted on 03/03/2013

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I have a 13 year old girl and tried every thing I can and it don't matter to her if shes grounded or she loses every thing her mouth still runs HELP !! what do I do or what can I do

Christine - posted on 02/25/2013

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I am going through the same thing when it comes to the sweetest girl to bratty teen. However, she has yet to show that side to friends, family, and neighbor. As for the counseling, it seems like you are giving her too many rights. Even if she goes in there and says nothing for an hour, oh well. But at least she will be there. It takes kids several sessions to warm up to a counselor. You are the adult. Tell her until she gets her behavior under control, you will continue to come here weekly until she sorts herself out. Take her into the room, sit her down, and sit in the waiting room. I have also found that volunteer work helps the soul, too. Take her to a county animal shelter and have her do some cleaning. At the end of the day, she can hold a few animals. Maybe this will show her hard work pays off, it helps others, and it leaves her with a self of confidence. Just a thought.

Chris - posted on 02/20/2013

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I have heard this normal teenager response before and apparently it's true although I find it completely unacceptable. I would also look into her drug use and believe it or not 13 year olds are smoking lots of pot in school. I have been through all of this as my son was introduced to pot at 13. It completely changed his behaviour and he has continued using and it was almost completely destroyed our family life. Lots of people will say oh get over it...its just pot. In fact that is what my son likes to say. The problem is that pot is not like it used to be and it CAN cause psychosis in some kids. Good luck.

Sandy - posted on 02/19/2013

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Believe me you are not alone! My 13-year-old daughter is the sweetest smartest kid ever one minute and the next she's crying saying she is fat and that I'm cooking fattening meals on purpose just to make her fatter! She is 115 lbs! I guess it is hormones because the mood swings are just spiraling out of control. I usually just stay quiet until the mood passes and never bring it up when she is back to her normal self. You gotta love 'em! We'll get through this!

Angie - posted on 01/14/2010

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I have a 13 year old that is Hyde ALL the time. Every waking moment. And like you, I was told she's a normal growing girl. She's even on meds and it doesn't help. She talks to everyone like your beneath her. Threatens her little sister all the time. If she doesn't get her way, she whines like a baby and yells for hours on end. I come to the conclusion there is no help and I'm just waiting for her to grow up, get married and make someone else miserable.

Sherry - posted on 01/14/2010

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I totally understand. I have a stepdaughter that will be 13 on 1/17 and she's been acting like a 15 year old brat for about a year now, not understanding that she's 12, not 15. The mouth, the attitude more so and the rolling of the eyes, the "whatever" really gets me. Well, overall, she's a great kid, but last week, decided it was ok to ditch her tutoring class and hang out at a boys house, no phone call or anything. Her mom ended up picking her up back at the school 2 hours later when she called. Now, her dad and I layed into her big time and all she could do is sit there with her arms crossed and smug look on her face. Really frustrating, makes you want to just grab them and shake them. But you can't. Is she on the straight and narrow now, no, she lives with her mom full time, who is taking care of 2 other kids that aren't hers, along with her daughter and son, too much to handle on your own in my opinion and my stepdaughter knows this, and she's taking full advantage. She lies about when she's getting home from school and she has no cell phone because her mom can't afford to pay the cell phone bill. All the way around, nothing that I would have expected from her, and I say the same thing, just hormones and teenage stuff coming out. You're not alone

Shannon - posted on 01/13/2010

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i hate to say this but it is normal teenage girl behavior. my daughter is now 20 and for a while there i wasnt sure we were going to make it. has she started her period yet? i used to think that once mine did all would be normal again. it seemed to get worse for a while then i took her to the doc. turns out she had a hormone issue that putting her on birth control helped. (i'm not condoning or advicating sex at 13, just something to look into.) it sounds like she is willing to talk to you so thats good. try having a girls day. my daughter and i still set aside a day at least once a month where we go out just she and i and do what ever it is she wants. she gets to plan the whole day (even if it is an activity doesnt appeal to you personally) it helps to get you involved in her activities, her likes and dislikes. it has turned into a day that we both look forward to. i also do this with my teenage boys we call it date day. they plan everything and get money from me or dad so they pay as well. its a bonding day for all involved and teaches my boys social skills, manners, respect, holding doors, pulling out chairs standing when a woman enters and leaves a room. things they have been taught since they were young put to practical use. good luck with your daughter. have faith and be patient it will pass.

Angie - posted on 01/13/2010

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You're doing all the right things, Cassandra! Every child is differenct and will react to being a teen differently so don't compare her to her brother. My almost 12 year old does this too. It's not always easy but I'm sure we'll all survive!

Louise - posted on 01/12/2010

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I have 14yr old and a 12yr old both boys and it is like living in a bomb factory some days...I only have to look the wrong way and I am the worst parent that ever lived. they are both good kids but the mood swings are incredible..I look forward to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel one day. as I mentioned on a previous post a plaque I saw the other day sums it up"Bringing up ateenager is like being slowly pecked to death by a duck"

Michelle - posted on 01/11/2010

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Vent, vent and vent some more!!! It helps!! Then say a prayer every night!! I have four teenagers 2 boys 2 girls. The girls are definitely the most challenging. When I speak I get "the look" of I am an ailen from another planet or a maggot from under a rock!!! It is hormones, I have seen it happen 4 times over..from between 11/12 to 16 it's just hell! Stay strong, stay the course and continue to parent. It is sinking in!! I can't wait until my twin 8 year old girls get there....I know all the tricks & treats

Amy - posted on 01/10/2010

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I know I have a 16 yr old son and he gets mouthy then he gets in trouble grounded, Things taken away ect..Then he says I DIDNT DO ANYTHING ITS YOU ! Thats what he tells me .. I get so mad . and Yes he is very helpful around the house and he does great in school .But u know another thing I wonder about is if he acts like a smart a** with his friends cause his friends dont really much call him anymore and when he calls them they dont answer or are busy .

Rebecca - posted on 01/10/2010

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my daughter is also 13 and that sounds just like mine we take stuff away after a few days of not having the phone she is great again for a few days i have even put her in timeout when she wanted to act like a little kid that did the trick with the whining ect. cause then her sisters went to school and put it on facebook i just figure its got to stop at some point im just thankful that shes not out wanting to party like some of the kids her age

Cassandra - posted on 01/09/2010

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My daughter is a great kid normally, she goes other places and all the parents love her, she's soo well behaved. She is a pleasure, she has such a funny personality. I guess she leaves it behind when she leaves their houses. lol She gets good grades in school and it's the same friends she's always had, we live in a VERY small town so the opportunity for new groups that she didn't already know is slim to none. Plus I'm the ultra strict mom and she does NOT go out running around or go to a party without strict supervision. We talk alot about what is going on and why she's so cranky and nasty at times. Sometimes, yes it's that she's tired or school drama. Other times she has no clue why, she's just psycho for fun I guess. lol She is a flutist in the band, she's in chorus, she's in drama club, she's part of student council and she plays softball. We are also a member of our local Y and we go up there for teen night and that kind of stuff. I won't let her join anything else unless she drops something because it would be too much. So yeah she's involved Tina :) Thanks everyone, I figured she's a "normal" teenager, but sometimes I still miss my sweetheart and wonder where she is and if she'll ever come back.

Tina - posted on 01/09/2010

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Don't feel bad I happen to have a 14yr.old son that is doing the same thing.He is so helpful but he also likes to make alot of negative comments,and doesn't like to well when I correct him.He turns into Jeckyll and Hyde.Is there a new group of friends that she started hanging with? Sometimes kids will do things to fit in with friends,that's what is with mine. Is she in any programs or school activities? That what we have been trying with my son,I hope this helps.

Nicole - posted on 01/09/2010

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Nope, definitely not the only one. I've got two teenagers and one who will be in a couple of years. My girls (16 and almost 12) can be absolute nightmares. Normal one minute, screaming and carrying on the next for apparently no reason whatsoever. My 14 year old son though, barely a tantrum most of the time. As a baby he was the most painful one but now, really nothing out of the ordinary. So I guess I could put it down to one or both of two things: it's either a girl thing...LOL...or each teenager is different. They are people after all and we all go through out moods, we're just older and able to control ourselves better I suppose.

Tammy - posted on 01/08/2010

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i totallyunderstand my daughter is twelve and gets like that. i've talked to her about it after she's calmed down. sometimes it's being tired , confused stressed out about schoo[ she gets moody too sometimes it's the hormone thing and she not sure how to handle it] l and friends boys sometimes it's me we are a lot alike shehas a temper but the good thing is we both know that some times she needs to blow off some steam and then we talk about it we have come up with some good ideas together for redirecting that energiy but it was trying to talk together and really listening to her and her input that is helping one suggestion is writng to eachother we have a notebook that we make notes to eachother but what ever you make sure you both can follow through that is important i had a hard time getting her to open up and really tell me what was bugging her it took some work and i felt like iwas prying it out with a crow barbut it's making for a better relationship

Clare - posted on 01/08/2010

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You are definately not the only one! My daughter was like this at 11 -12 but now (at nearly 16) we are definately out the other side - it will get better, just give it time and keep the communication open. I would not suggest you hit her, stick with your other consequences. Have you tried talking to her (when she's calm!) about why she still loses it?

Melinda - posted on 01/07/2010

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My daughter started at age 11. Very normal for a teenager but no affense......a slap put her in her place and cut it out REAL quick! I remember hearing the expression "I beat it out of you" when I would ask my mother. REMEMBER that people? Works like a charm. She still gets nasty to her brothers but, NOT with me! Spare the rod spoil the child is straight out of the good book. Its there for a reason. Use it. You will be amazed at the instant results.

Jenn - posted on 01/05/2010

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You're not the only one with a Jekyll and Hyde teenage daughter. My daughter is not quite a teen, she'll be 13 in a month but have the same thing. One minute she is sweet and loving and the next yelling and carrying on. It drives me crazy!! I don't tolerate it either, if she starts yelling at me, she gets one warning, if she continues, she loses her phone for 24 hours. She's lost it once so far and hated it, was the worst 24 hours of her life according to her but it helped, now I just have to give her a look if she starts and she shuts up real quick..lol. Good luck, hopefully it will get better.

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