hateful 15 y/o son

Candace - posted on 07/26/2010

OMG!!! Reading the mothers storys is hiting home for me i'm going throw something like that now. I have a 17y (son) and a 18y (daughter) snd my husband he is not there real father but his been in there lifes every since they was 3y and 4y.. And my son is going throw this thing that he don't want to listens to any one and cursing at my husband because he feel that he shouldn't do what he say any more... My husband puts his foot down and its been like these for the last past three years... i have done it all to the talks to taking things away and it don't do no good.. very sad my husband is at the point of giving up... son done left the home and is over my sisters house he is saying he his grown and is not coming back home... what to do he is olny 17y... now my daughter is living home at 18y... is there any hope out there...

Kimberly - posted on 07/11/2010

When you speak to your son, keep the words focused on the inappropriate behavior. Also a book called "Life Strategies for Teens' a different perception, it talks about how there is a payoff, what is the payoff for him, how's that working for you? Another idea is, he is teaching you how to treat him. Definitely anger is appropriate for inappropriate behavior, priviledges are earned. I suggest you read the book, it definitely has good tips for all parents, especially for those of us who have teenagers

Vonkisha - posted on 07/10/2010

PUT IT GOD'S HAND AND LET HIM GO... FOCUS ON YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD OR CHILDREN....

Amy - posted on 07/10/2010

I have always said its harder to be a step parent, you have to work twice as hard to earn the respect. Does your hubby ever take him aside and talk to him about the resentment and contempt he has for you? Or does he just let him get away with treating you poorly?

I think your family would benefit a great deal with counsleing. Sometimes it takes an unbiased outside source to help breakthrough to an angry kid. Have you ever had one on one time with him to develope a bond? This is also very important when blending a family. You say he also is very cruel to his sister, this indicates that he is really struggling with something and he is taking it out on his family. we all know that somethimes we take out our anger on the ones we love the most. And hoping and waiting for him to grow out of it will only make it worse. Seek guidence from proffesionals that specialize in this behavior, find a support group for step parents and gain knowlegde and help from those around you that have been in your shoes. Otherwise if you wait, you may never have the relationshipo you want with him. Alot of moms feel like a failure if they haveo go outside the home for help, but the old saying it takes a village to raise a child is true. Nobody is perfect and there are no perfect answers to your troubles, but don't waste another 5 years wondering and find a peacesul resolution so you can be a happt family.

Good Luck

Angel - posted on 07/10/2010

I AM NOT PARENTING FOR TODAY, I AM PARENTING FOR TOMORROW.Repeat this to yourself over and over, it will keep you sane. My husband and I took over the custody and care of his 2 oldest children from his first marriage when they were 10 and 8 because his ex did not/could not handle being a parent to them(she has issues of her own). They were angry with us for many, many years because
#1 we did want them
#2 she didnt
#3 we never gave up on them
#4 we loved them unconditionally

I am still dealing with the backlash from the oldest, a girl now that she is 20. She still blames me because her mom didnt want them, but we never faltered, we remained united and consistent, we had to support one another and discussed everything as parents before talking to the kids. The 20 year old is now living with her mom, gives her mother her entire check (mom doesnt work and has been on welfare for 13 years) etc. And her reason for moving out of our home...We gave her 2 rules when she turned 18, if she wasnt home by 1 a.m. without a call the door would be locked and latched (a chain latch) and we would not get out of bed to open it if she didnt at least call to tell us. And there would be no boys spending the night, no drugs or alcohol in our home ever. We had a 3rd request but not really a rule. We asked that she at least tell us who she was with and where they would be in case anything happened we at least had an idea. We were over-protective yes but we werent tyrants. But the point of this is we never gave up, my step son is 17 just graduated high school, is working 2 jobs, has money in the bank and is going to college in the fall. He has the same rules since he will be 18 in 2 weeks and graduated at 17. He was the one who literally was abandoned by his mom, she always made him feel secondary to his sister and to a younger brother who is handicapped. When he was 11, he started acting out horribly, so after one particular incident where I got a phone call from the school that he was bullying a handicapped boy I snapped. I went in his room and took everything. He got his bed, dresser, pillow, socks, underwear and blankets. Just like prison, then I took him to the thrift store with about $20 and made him get pants, shirts and shoes. I told him the route he was taking with his life thats ho he would end up so therefore he needed to get prepared. For an entire school year and summer he wore what we bought second hand. He did not go to any extra curricular activities at school and he was aloud out of his room for meals and holidays. He got no choice of tv, no playing at friends houses no friends over and when his friends asked why we told them. If he was man enough to behave that way at school he should be man enough to accept his punishment and notoriety for his actions. Everyone in our family supported us, mom's family did not but since she and they lived 2 hours away and she only saw them once a month, anything that didnt meet our "punishment" stayed at her house. He learned in that year to be respectful to everyone, and it humbled him. He is now a very well round young man and when we've talked about it he stated that we didn't do anything he didn't deserve and he doesn't even want to think about how he'd of turned out if we hadn't. And he doesn't hold it against us. Say it again I AM NOT PARENTING FOR TODAY, I AM PARENTING FOR TOMORROW. Good Luck you can get through this and no matter what don't let it come between you and your hubby. Let it strengthen your marriage and relationship.

Suzie - posted on 07/09/2010

Kick him in the butt! At some point you allowed him to talk to you that way that is why this is happening. Stop giving in to him. it is not all about him there are other family members in the house. Also, if ya'll are talking to him hatefully then he will talk to you the same way. Do some changing on how you aproach him and give more ground rules about family. He will start changing things himself. Good luck.

Julia - posted on 07/09/2010

The best book I've read on advice for handling troubling teens is called "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!" Teens do tend to spout off, but that's because he is trying to become his own person. This book has hints on how to allow that to happen and still have a decent relationship with the kid.

Debbi - posted on 07/09/2010

Number One: He's fifteen. Number Two: He's 15. Number 3: Ello es quincero. I don't know how many ways I can say it Sounds to me that if he is the oldest, he resents having to share the limelight. Perhaps you might look into some family therapy?

Colleen - posted on 07/09/2010

I think we all need to acknowledge once and for all that DIVORCE HURTS KIDS. It is against the natural order of things and their suffering turns to anger. I was a product of divorce myself, twice, and I subjected my daughter to the same, although in my case her dad was eventually diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic so it was for our safety that I left him, In any event, that didn't make 16 any easier with her and she ran away just before her senior year. The good news is, she's 28 this summer and we aren't super close but she harbors no ill will and we get along fine.



I've been married to my husband for 16 years, we have four kids who are fabulous. I homeschooled the older ones when they were young, didn't ship them off 35 hours a week to be raised by one underpaid teacher and 23 other abandoned mob kids. We lived laughed learned together and my 15 and 13 yr old girls and 11 year old son are amazing and awesome and normal teenagers/preteen that want to do their own thing and occasionally get mad but don't live their lives in anger and generally do their best and are pleasant to be around.



Please take responsibility for what you grown ups have done to ther lives. Acknowledge they are hurt and broken through no fault of their own. Stop expecting life to be normal and hunky dory. Go to counseling. Apologize once for what has been done to them. Try to be kind and still maintain discipline and just get through this as best you can. Keep praying to God to give you the power to love them regardless of their behavior and for wisdon each and every day.

Staci - posted on 07/09/2010

He's hurting a lot. The most powerful thing in this world is love. Be the example of what you want him to be, pray for him a lot, and be strait with him about his behavior with appropriate consequences.

Enid - posted on 07/04/2010

try counceling it will work....the whole family will benifit

Julie - posted on 07/03/2010

you say his behaviour started 5 years ago. this sounds probably as if thats when his hormones kicked in. teenagers can be loud mouthed, dirty, slobby people who hate everyone and everything. and as his step mum you have probably sprouted horns and will be the focus of the behaviour if you let it upset you. just treat him as you always have and punish him as usual if he does wrong. set ground rules and stick to them and get his dad on side to help. tell the grandparents to but out its none of their concern. talk to them and let them know you love him and would apreciate the space to raise him and punish him and generaly be his mum without their interference and undermining behaviour. talk to him and tell him that just because he is getting older doesnt mean you will love him any less infact you would love to have a grown up relationship with him if he will let you. good luck and if you have any more children growing up behind him this trial with him will give you a better chance of understanding them.

Jennifer - posted on 07/03/2010

I'm in the same boat as you...My son just turned 15 this week but has been the same way towards me for as long as I can remember. I divorced his dad 6 years ago and have since remarried. My husband (his step-dad) DOES NOT put up with his disrespect and his attitude towards me. He goes to see his biological father every other weekend. Growing up, I'd discipline him and his dad would not enforce it. You'd think after 6 years of me being the sole enforcer, he'd give in. He's hell bent on doing things HIS way when HE decides to do it. Example: Justin, get up and get going and make your bed. He'll be awake, just laying there 10 minutes later I can go back by and he's STILL laying there. When I say something he pops off with "I AM awake". Then he'll take his time getting out of bed. It's almost like she's making me do something but I'll do it when I get ready so it doesn't look like she's telling me what to do. He's been in counseling...it does no good. He doesn't want to change. He doesn't even attempt to. EVERY morning his feet hit the floor and he's already pissed off at the world. I also have a 8 year old son and they are like daylight and dark...My oldest went from National Honor Society, Honors classes and A/B honor roll to the "best he could do" is a D in Biology, not doing his homework and half of his class assignments. His 15th birthday came and went and he DOES NOT have a learners permit! I will NOT give him a privilege that he does not deserve!! And no matter what HE thinks, it's not a right, it is a PRIVILEGE! I also have talked to his guidance counselor and we're both on the same page. He has to have Driver's Ed to graduate but he doesn't have to take it to pass the 10th grade. She told me we can keep pushing it back until his last semester of his senior year if he can't earn it based on behavior. I feel your pain! There are days I want to throw my hands up and give up, but then HE wins. I won't give up on him...When he's on one of his rampages, I always tell my husband (our stress relief joke) "Now I know why animals eat their young!" Hang in there...

Michelle - posted on 07/01/2010

i think you should maybe have him see a therapyst some of his actions sound like he might be bipolar i have a step son who is bipolar sever. and he has hateful tendencies sometimes. thats all i can offer it might help if he talks to someone like a go between. good luck. maybe if he realizes that one day he may not have one of you then what would he do. and also i am so sorry that your relatives would talk to your children like that about his parents thats terrible.

Kirsty Norris - posted on 07/01/2010

i know this may be a little harsh but it worked for my 14 year old son i was fed up with the crap being dished out by him so i removed everything from him all that was left in his room was his bed,pillow,blankets and cloths everthimg else was removed and he had to earn his stuff back that fact htat he had been given anthing he had ever wanted made him disrespectful towards me and i had had enough that was 6 months ago it took him a while to learn his lesson but now he does his chores with only being asked once and speaks to me like a human being, i dont believe in fighting or smacking as it really does not get you anywhere if anything it makes teenagers more defient you have to hit them where it hurts and that is their material posession you are his mum out smart him and dont let him hold anything over you

Michelle - posted on 07/01/2010

Get him into some counslling NOW. He is angry for a reason and is unable to voice his reasons to you. My son was very angry growing up. He is now 20 and his anger has turned into rage and depression. Luckily he was able to recognize it and ask for help. He is now seeing a therapist and is on an anti-depressant. It is the best thing that could have happened to him and he is doing well now but it was pure hell getting to this point.

Katrina - posted on 07/01/2010

both of my teens have done this im still going throu it with my 13 year old girl
my 14 year old son is 6"3 and is now calming down definatly pms!,the trouble i got is i have a girl and girls tend to be more advanced than boys and ive had no breakin the cycle at all

i hope it will calm down soon, im starting to believe some of the mind games all i can say youre not alone!x

Tracy - posted on 07/01/2010

Just keep telling yourself this too shall pass!!!! Many many times. My eldest son is my step-son by marriage and my son by legal adoption. He is now 24. He was diagnosed with a mild form of bi-polar disorder. At times he hates me and his dad. He seeks reinforcement of the hate from people that he knows will take his side...even if the hate is just his imagination run a-muck! He'll go to his paternal grandmother and favorite aunt that have issues of their own and hear stories that have grown long tails over time. He even hooked back up with his biological mother with whom he had little contact growing up...and she became mother of the year just because she was his "real" mother. A lot of this we came to understand was just his lashing out at us (mostly was because he was out of control) and because he knew deep down we would still be here and love him in spite of his behavior.

Love is tough. I have been there! It will get better at times and at others it will seem like you are in hell. You may want to take him to a psychologist to be evaluated and have him talk to someone outside the family. It helped us understand that we did everything right...and that some things are just beyond your control. When he turned 22 we had to kick him out the nest and asked him to find somewhere else to live...not because we wanted to but because when he was in one of his manic negative modes (the I hate you with 4 letter words added) it was affecting his younger brothers and their behavior..

The best thing you can do is limit the exposure of your children to the grandparents that are non supportive.



When our son was 15 he lost many of his most precious things to these outbursts. His room was stripped down to just furniture and books for school. No phone in his room, no cell phone, no I-pod, no-stereo, no going out with friends, No anything...He did not get his learners till he was 16 because of grades then later on he was driven and dropped off at the front steps of his school due to grades, lies, behavior etc...many many times. It went report card to progress report each time. When behavior and grades were good he got his things back...when he slid back things were taken away. (We took one closet and removed the knob and put a keyed deadbolt on it so if he was home alone he could not get to his "stuff") We use this on our younger sons too. Works like a charm. But if your son turns out to be bi-polar it will only work when he is not in the "princess" stage. That meaning the world needs to revolve around him and everyone else is to be hated for not giving him the royal audience that he desires. We did not get the diagnosis till our son was 18. The book his doctor gave us was our son from day one. Miss-diagnosed as ADHD by the school... The book is titled: The Family Intervention Guide to Mental Illness by Body Morey and Kim Mueser PH.D. Another good one is: Bipolar Disorder a Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mondimore, M.D.



Even if he is not bi-polar it can help you through the turbulent teen years where hormones rule the day and even boys have their own version of PMS! God Bless and Good Luck. Just hang in there!!!

Karen - posted on 07/01/2010

his dad tracey is very involved in his life. he hasnt had his mother in his life since he was about 5. she was an alcoholic and not very nice. i have from day 1 treated him like my own. i dont tell people that i am his stepmom cause i dont ever feel that way and never have. we lived with his grandma to help with each others finances and she liked me until she felt i took all her power away and then she hated me. her boyfriend liked me but all my husbands life(since he was 8) he has told him he is worthless and felt he i guess needed to turn his son against him. i ground him when he is bad as that is the only thing that bothers him. i have talked calmly to him and begged for everyone to get along but it doesnt work. i have tried talking to him and all i get from him is "i dont know". i heard his grandma tell him i was a bitch and i didnt love him as much as his sister which is a damn lie. everytime i punish him or talk to him i tell him i love him and i will always love him no matter what he does or says and it will never ever change. i am tired of crying about the situation. i have tried councelling but he says i dont know still. i am considering going to someone else. he has talked about his mom and said he hated her and never wanted to see her and i promised him that he didnt have to if he didnt want to. i have always stuck up for him and always protected him. i am amazed his sister doesnt have issues. she is a loving little girl who tries with him all the time. she gets mad at him like any sister but she tries to be around him. their 10 y/o brother(also my stepchild) is totally different but he was 1 when his mom and dad split. ty tricia it is nice to hear we r good parents. parenting is hard and all kids are different and it is a thankless,heartbreaking job. i appreciate all the advice. it is nice to talk to people about it.

Lashanda - posted on 06/28/2010

you are just going to have to give him tough love, give him a reward system as well, you have to develop structure in his life. Make a list of chores he is to do, besides each chore, there should be listed a reward if he does it, and a consequence if he does not. since you have 3 children you should have a day for each that you spend time with each child, and then have 1 day for family day where you are spending time with all 3. and most important Pray.

Tricia - posted on 06/28/2010

SWEETHEART...U R GOOD PARENTS...A LITTLE SPANKING WON'T HARM THE CHILD...NO MATTER IF A TEENAGER OR NOT...I STILL TAKE CONTROL...EVERYONE TOLD ME I WAS TO HARD ON MY KIDS...NOW THEY R 17(BOY) AND 16(TWIN GIRLS)...THEY NEVER BEEN IN NO TROUBLE...SO DO WHAT U DO SWEETIE...GET MORE IN HIS EAR...THEN TOO SEE IF U CAN GET SOME COUNSELING FOR HIM...MY SON HAS FLARE-UPS TO THE POINT MY GIRLS GET SCARED...BUT I'M LETTING HIM NO EVERYDAY WHO'S BOSS...ALSO REMINDING HIM HE'S ALMOST AN ADULT...SO IT WILL BE OUT OF MY HANDS SOON...KEEP ME INFORMED.

Shalah - posted on 06/28/2010

I'm sorry to hear about your troubling situation. It sounds very frustrating. But you have to step outside of it and consider all angles to get anything to change. I remember how confused and angry I was as a teen being raised by my dad and stepmom, and I never felt like they listened to me. My mom wasn't around at all from the time I was very little, and it had a deep and lasting effect on me. As much as his behavior is unacceptable, truth is he is probably acting out because of strong emotions he may not even understand. It's easy to be angry and punish him, but it sounds to me like you need to get him to open up and talk about WHY he is doing these things. Come to him calmly and start a rational discussion of his behavior, focusing on what might be causing it. If you can't get him to talk about his feelings and reasons, you may want to look into a mediator or counselor to help him open up and get to the root of the problem. As angry as he makes you, he still needs love and understanding. I'm certainly not saying his hateful actions should go unpunished, just that the underlying cause needs to be addressed in order to exact positive change. The teen years are the most difficult time of developement, feeling so independent and yet having to still follow all the rules, and with his real mom out of the picture, it makes it harder. He probably suffers from some negative self esteem because his mom isn't around. I know I did and it made it hard for me to love myself. And if you can't love yourself, it's hard to be respectful or loving to others.This is a difficult time for your family, but understanding and openness is my best advice. Ask him why he is acting this way openly, and really listen when he answers. Good luck to you.

Shawnn - posted on 06/28/2010

Dad must correct his behavior. You cannot, as his step mother, push the issue. If dad isn't willing to do so, then I'd suggest FAMILY counselling. Sounds like the grandparents are against you, which can sometimes happen in a 2nd marriage, unfortunately.

If none of the above works, get yourself and your younger kids in to counselling to help cope with the situation

Allisha - posted on 06/27/2010

@KAREN I ALSO HAVE A 13 YR OLD STEP-DAUGHTER THAT HAS LIED ON ME SAYING I MADE HER 9 YR OLD SISTER EAT PUKE,,NOW THATS JUST INHUMANE N SHE DID THIS ALL OVER NOT BEING ABLE 2 GO 2 THE BEACH 4 THE 7TH DAY IN A ROW. I HAD JUST GOTTEN MY TAXES DONE, N BOUGHT MY 4 KIDS NEW STUFF N MY FIANCEE'S 2 GURLS NEW STUFF ALSO. NOW BCUZ SHE DIDNT BREAK US UP N HE KNEW SHE WAS LYING, SHE WONT EVEN SEE HIM . WHATS WORSE IS HER MOM IS OK WITH ALL SHE DOES N EVEN TALKS BAD ABOUT US BOTH, MY LIFE IS SO HARD, BUT I KEEP ON TRYING 2 GET THRU THIS. I HOPE I CAN B OF ANY HELP, 2 U , WE RELATE IN SO MANY WAYS. MY 7 YR OLD LIL BOY IS IN ANGER MANAGMENT , SICE HE WAS 6 YRS. N MY GURLS ALWAYS FIST FIGHT. IM ALWAYS SO STRESSED OUT !!!!!

Tracy - posted on 06/26/2010

Wow. What a situation, and I have to ask, "how involved is his father in his life?"
And, "have you considered family couseling?" because sometimes a family needs outside assistance. Don't think you are "bad" parents! Asking for help is one of the strongest steps parents can take. It demonstrates how important he is and how seriously you take your child's well being to the child(ren).

Also, your daughter must have her own issues from her brother's hostility; however it is demonstrated.

Karen - posted on 06/26/2010

i ground him and take things off of me but he is still hateful. it breaks my heart as i know there is a nice kid in there. i have seen it. i ask him to do things and he will do it but only because of his dad. he doesnt do drugs,no smoking or alcohol. doesnt hang out with the wrong kids. behaves at school. saves all the nasty stuff for me and sometimes his dad. tells lies to relatives saying that we are mean to him etc. i just hope he grows out of it. hope urs doesnt last as long as mine allisha. i love this site as can be very helpful. ty both of you for answering

Allisha - posted on 06/26/2010

I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM,W/MY 13 YR OLD SON. HE IS VERY GOOD IN SCHOOL,DOESNT HANG W/ THE WRONG CROWD, BUT DOESNT LIKE 2 BE TOLD WHAT 2 DO AT HOME, CHORES OR JUST HELPING OUT. I HAVE 2 SAY IT OVER N OVER N THEN I GET ANGRY.HE YELLS BACK, N TELLS ME CALL THE JUVINILE CENTER, N I DONT WANT 2 DO THAT 2 HIM I JUST WANT 2 LISTEN 2 ME.

Angie - posted on 06/25/2010

Charge him in whatever his currency is (XBox, iPod, driving, going out with friends, spending money) for every disprespectful outburst. If he were my child, he would lose an XBox have for each episode and he would only get it back after 1 week of appropriate behavior. Be tough, Mom, he will get it eventually.