Having a hard time relinquishing control over to 14 yr old daughter on homework issues. Any advice?

Angie - posted on 02/22/2009

My son's school has a website that allows me to check his grades as often as I'd like. The deal with John is that as long as he is getting his work done and keeping his grades up, I don't nag him. He only let one grade drop once before he realized how nice it was to just get things done himself!

Liz - posted on 02/18/2009

Quoting Linda:

Having a hard time relinquishing control over to 14 yr old daughter on homework issues. Any advice?

I have a tendancy to micro-manage what she has going on at school. With the internet showing all her daily grades it is even worse for her. I know I should let her sink or swim but isn't it our responsibility to teach her how to manage time? HELP!

Hi LINDA;  First thing we must remember is that we were teenagers once... I have a 15 year old and I went through it with her sister who is 23 now. My daughter gets good grades but I still worry about her.The best advice I can give you would be to let her know she can come to you at any time and you'll lisiten. Don't get mad or judge her or she may never come to you again.Parenting is one of the hardest jobs, you have to trust your daughter and she will trust you.Try getting her to do her homework right after school before anything else and then she can watch T.V or go for a walk... Just try giving her some space. If you tell me more about this ,I could help more.Chat at you later.

Bonnie - posted on 02/17/2009

I add that helping her have a quiet place of her own, devoted just to study, an IPOD if she needs it to rid of distractions, and skills- knowing HOW to study- will all help.  Set her up for success, and let her rip!

Bonnie - posted on 02/17/2009

A Jr. High counselor once told me after battling her daughter, she had to allow her to "own" her responsibility.  She told her daughter exactly the consequenses if she didn't do well, immediate and long range on her life, and what rewards were hers if she did do well.  Letting her be in charge, left her flailing for a while, but she picked up the baton and ran eventually.   Slightly like throwing them in to swim, but after giving them good lessons.

Ruth - posted on 02/17/2009

Hi. This is a tough stage for parents. We need to move from being the mom who can tell our child what to do to being the mom who is the consultant and still get our child to do the right thing. I just took a class on active parenting of teens. It seems that giving kids at this age choices works well. As is - Do you want to do your homework now or in 30 minutes. I most definitely don't let my kids watch TV until the homework is done. The same goes for other electronics. Here is a story with other advice on homework:

http://suchasmartmom.com/2009/01/30/grea...

Good luck. Ruth

Lynn - posted on 02/17/2009

IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO GUIDE THEM IN THE MANNER THAT WE SEE FIT. HOWEVER I HAVE THIS RULE ...AS LONG AS I PROVIDE MY HIGH SCHOOLER WITH THE PROPER TOOLS THAT IS NEEDED FOR THEIR CLASSES THEN THE REST IS UP TO HER ....PROVIDED THAT THEY R AT A  DECENT AGE  SO GOOD LUCK...

Regina - posted on 02/16/2009

Yes, it's our responsibility as the parent to make sure our children are on task. Maybe she's just found a new group of friends(knuckle heads) which are using the one's who mess up in school but know's how to have the most fun! It's time for you to sit down and have a what's on your mind talk! Ask her where is her interest now! Why are her grades declining, and what can we do to improve them? Ask her if you should remove her internet use, or any other activites that are distracting her?

Lisa - posted on 02/15/2009

oops sorry I meant to say I agree with Shelly, sorry.

Lisa - posted on 02/15/2009

I agree with Linda, a great parent allows there kids to fall on there face so they can pick themselves up and try again, that is how our kids become masters at doing the things they are good at. You will always be there if she calls, she knows that by the micro managing. Try the honor system for awhile, I bet you will be proud of her. She sounds self disciplined. some of the best lessons are learned by the mistakes we make while completing the lesson.

Lisa - posted on 02/15/2009

I agree that it is the right time to start letting go a little even though it is so hard to do. I have 4 kids, two are teens!! To make matters worse I work in the school my teens attend. I am a control freak at the best of times but I have learnt over the past year to take a step back from the homework issue. I outlined clearly what the consequences would be if I started to hear that homework was late or not being completed and left them to it. To be fair they are doing a good job of managing so far. My son who is almost 15 had missed one or two but I make him deal with the consequences and hence it is not a regular thing. So far, touch wood, they are doing great at school. Give it a go..what have you got to lose? You can always revert back to your micro managing ways if things slip too much for you and who knows she may just surprise you by taking responsibility!! Good luck and let us know how it goes xxx

Pati - posted on 02/14/2009

Hi

My daughter and I had a contract, we seem to have alot of those. It was really just spelling out the rules and the consequences if she got low grades and rewards for the good ones. I paid her like it was a job and was rather supprised that she did not do all she could to get all the bonus' . But she did find her self grounded for 6 weeks at a time when the progress report came home and she had to wait till the next one to get her time back.

Nothing more fustrating or rewarding than being a parent. Good Luck!

Shelly - posted on 02/13/2009

I don't believe we were ever promised a easy time of it.  I know that it's not easy being mom  of a teen all we can do is our best check out the thread trial and error that might help

Linda - posted on 02/13/2009

Thanks for the advice.  I know what I have to do but doing it takes more discipline on my part.

Zaundra - posted on 02/13/2009

Yes, it is time to sink or swim.  And what a better place to learn then at home.  I know  it is hard.  I did that to micro manage. But someone reminded me of something "these are her accomplishments not mine!"  I can' t take credit or responsibility for her success or failures.  But I can celebrate with her and I can provide support for her.  She still gets consequenses for doing poorly on her progress reports and report card.  It just means ahead of time you lay out the rulses to where she knows the consequenses.  And then Both of you follow them. As hard as it will be, you will have to follow them too.  I promise you, once you let it go, you both will be happier.  Oh, for a little while she will slip a little, but again remember these are her accomplishments, not yours.  ;)

Shelly - posted on 02/13/2009

Linda,

   Yes it is our responsibility to teach them but it is also our responcibility to let them go.  We can teach them the things they need to succeed but how are they going to know if they can do it if we don't let them?  Smothering your daughter is going to do more damage than good.  Trust me I have  a mother that to still  trys to micro manage my life and i'm 45 yro.  And thats one of the reasons I have not talk to her in almost four years.  We as parents need to learn to step back and allow our children test there wings.  I'm not saying that you can't be there for her and help her get the feel of thoughs wings but you need to quit trying to be her wings.  Shes at the age that you need to start guiding her and quit trying to in control of every aspect of her life.  I hope this helped and that you don't take it wrong just let her know your there when she needs you...May God bless this path that you are travleing we call motherhood.