Help!

Lori - posted on 10/24/2008 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a 17 year old boy that is a handful!! He is extremely rebellious and hard to handle. Grounding and taking things away like the car or cell just do not work with him, it only makes him very angry and even more rebellious! Can any of you help with ideas of how to handle him??



Thank you for any help!

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Lynda - posted on 05/09/2013

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When he shows anger its because he doesn't like the consequences keep to your guns don't give in

Lauri - posted on 10/28/2008

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Parenting Teens with Love and Logic has some interesting ideas & suggestions. Mine is 17 too - he was rebelling a lot, and was needing me to be firm, consistent and present. I have a relative with 3 grown and doing well... she said it gets bad until right before they are ready to leave the house. She had a nice insight: they need to know you're going to be there no matter.

Betty - posted on 10/27/2008

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Ok....I was that kid and punishments just did not work at all. Didn't matter if I was grounded, I would walk right past my parents and out the door. Didn't matter if they took away the car, had plenty of friends with cars of their own....I was a MAJOR rebel but what was really going on was I was SCREAMING for help through my actions. I was so deeply depressed and hated myself so much. My outward actions and attitude perfectly matched up with how I was feeling inside....like complete crap. Get your son some mental help.

[deleted account]

I know that my daughter has had major anger issues which were worse a couple of years ago. I am proud to say that we have improved some in her behavior;however, I know that when we were at our worst, I would attempt to "punish" her bad behavior by taking things away (she was 14-15, so it was the cell phone and computer), she would laugh at me, scream and curse, threaten to run away, etc. I had to learn that my daughter is a completely different person than I was when I was young. The more I pushed to resolve an issue, the angrier she became and the worse the situation got. If I stepped back and let her cool down before I reacted to the situation, we accomplished a lot more. I don't want anyone to think that I totally caved into her behavior, but it has helped to give her time to process everything and you would be surprised at how many apologies I have gotten from her in doing that. I wish you the best during this difficult time. I did have to put my foot down about things and stick to my guns. I said my peace and then left her alone to process the words. Now, she will come to me to talk about it later or she is much calmer when we do talk the next time. Anyway, that is what is working for me.

Peace to you!

Jamie

Bonnie - posted on 10/25/2008

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Hi Lori,



I wish I had an answer ready to pull out of the drawer and apply, but as you know better than anybody, there is no such thing. It seems like some kids just simply decided to take it that one step further into territory they very difficultly return from. I know your situation from talking to you (unfortunately not enough lately :-( ) and I must admit he does not respond to any "standard" rearing methods. I wonder about one thing; what does he stand to loose when you get mad at him. In other words, I know he has lost priviledges, but does it bother him at all when he misbehaves? People work for rewards, By careful when reading this, I am NOT talking about bribing. Bribing will open up a whole new set of horrible problems and it is a fine, but very clear line to walk. But we all respond to some form of reward, whether it be physical (often the first steps of rewards) or later emotional (feeling of pride; accomplishment, "I can do this") down to very simple reinforcements such as I say hi to someone and they say hi back. My behavior has just been reinforced. I would love to take you out to lunch and talk to you some more about this if you want to. I also believe we as adult Christians need to pray for the next generation of Christian leaders and that would be the kids. We all as a united group of believers need to daily pray for their growth and protection and accept them as a unique and individual creation. If we can reinforce the positive behavior, we often wil cultivate rather than kill. Sometimes negative behavior has to be put on what we call "extinction program" where we directly negatively reinforce the bad behavior but it is a last resort and has to go hand in hand with a positive reinforcement program. You will often see the bad bahavior escalate during such a time and rebellion and aggression are common signs. Let's talk over lunch and see what you think. You are my sister in Christ and I love you dearly. I consider this OUR problem, not yours. We are family!!

Love

Bonnie

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