HELP!...Depressed Teenage Son

Lisa - posted on 09/26/2009 ( 39 moms have responded )

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I need help...My 16, soon to be 17 year old son, is very very very depressed & angry. He has been for many, many years and nobody can seem to get through to him or help him. He won't talk to anyone and refuses to talk about anything that is bothering him. My son is very good, stays out of trouble and has been bullied for many years. When he gives his heart, he gives it ALL! Presently, his girlfriend decided to go to homecoming today with another guy, AS FRIENDS! She had already gone out with this other kid several times, but continues to "play the game" with my son. I understand this is typical of the teenage years, but it is sooooo hard to watch your child go through it. I'm soooo worried about him. He puts everything in his life on hold for her. He worked so hard this summer and spent all of his hard earned money on her ($120 flat iron for her hair, amusement parks, clothing, etc...knowing that she could use him). He lets his anger and sorrow build to where he doesn't come out of his room, he's not eating, breaking things, smashing walls and glass (with his fists); just total destruction. I'm afraid for him. Can anyone offer any advice, Please? I don't know how to comfort him, calm him down or help him. Thank you, Lisa

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Cheri - posted on 09/26/2009

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Hello,

With all due respect and in sincerity, please take your son to his pediatrician, explain the circumstances and have him referred to a psychiatrist! He needs your love and your help right now. Do not stammer if he becomes angered about your assistance. Do what you NEED to do as his mother/ Out of love for him, and because he NEEDS your help whether he belives so or not! When he refuses, make it unacceptable. Do what you have to do to make it happen. He can argue all he wants, and it most likely will be a long road but never give up! ( Be a "Momma Bear")

Kristi - posted on 09/30/2009

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prayer, prayer, it changes things God will never put more on you or your son than he can handle or you can handle. but if you truely know God pray about it and i bet you will see a change in your lives. do you go to church? get your church involved because God is the best counselor, medicine, doctor or friend than anybody can have and he can comfort you way better than anybody on this earth can. please give God a call his line is never busy never. peace be with you and God bless you and your family and i will also keep you in prayer. Luv Kristi

Summer - posted on 05/25/2012

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Having suffered from depression myself from a young age one thing I have found that helped a lot was regular strenuous physical exercise and plenty of time outdoors. I also had bad joints which got in the way of excersize, but that can now be worked around. Has he tried self defence or martial arts classes? They can help his self confidence especially where the bullying is concerned. Time outside is very important as most kids these days don't get enough, natural light on the skin stimulates production of vitamin d which the body needs and helps improve quality of sleep and can help with depression. Look into SAD (seasonal affective disorder) a condition where people get depressed over the winter months due to lack of sunlight, a lot of teens spending a lot of time inside could be suffering from this year round regardless of the season. a daily multi vitamin may help a lot With his mood also. Hope some of this helps. X

Angela - posted on 09/30/2009

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Hello, I was reading what others wrote and with no disrespect to anyone, I also have a 18 yr old son with what I have gone threw the same exact thing when he was 17, the girl, him working as much as he could to buy things for her, they would spend all their time together when out of school, than the girl cheated and my son was devastated. Same as your son he would not eat all he did was cry in his room it was killing me to see him like this. I tried talking to him about the situation and still no response. So I watched him carefully all the time and told him when he was ready I would always be there for him no matter what, he did after about a week come and ask to talk, and yes it was very hard for him and also myself fighting tears to see him going threw this I called the doctor and they wanted to put him on depression meds. and my son and I both agreed that he did not need that, what he needed was what us adults need when something like this happens to us, Time to heal !!! And he could talk to me about anything. He is now 18 and at the moment does not want a girl right now, he said when he is ready he will have one. " Smart boy" :-) I hope this helped a little bit, as we all deal with everyday stresses so do our children. I will check back on your post, would love to see a positive outcome!!

Sue - posted on 09/28/2009

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i have 4 sons, 3 older than your son, just tell him you love him, and that you are always there for him, encourage him to talk about his feelings, let him cry and cuddle him, dont call this girl, he doesnt want to hear that, ( i told you so, is the worst thing he wants to hear), be sympathetic, tell him, that things happen for a reason and that no matter what happens in his life, you will always be there for him, dont push him to talk, just let him know that if and when he wants to, you are there to listen, its not easy bein a mum to a depressed teenager, but all he really wants is love asnd understanding, good luck hunny x

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Ann - posted on 12/05/2012

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Teenagers are a totally different creature. Especially at his age. He is man, but not. I agree with several others on here. You want to get him some counseling. Right now though. He probably won't hear of it. I can suggest a couple books that I am reading now and that several other moms and dads have said has helped them. I honestly wish I had had it when my daughter was that age. It seems I have lost her now since she has turned 19. I pray you don't have to deal with that pain. I sympathize with you. I know how hard it is. We are not alone though. It seems it starts at 17 and doesn't end until they have kids of their own sometimes. lol.

The book that is helping with my sons now: Have a New Teenager by Friday: From Mouthy and Moody to Respectful and Responsible in 5 Days

and: The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively

It seems like at this age, it is not what we say....its how we react to what is being said. Good luck hun and God Bless. I will add your son to my prayers when I pray for my daughter.

Cathy - posted on 12/04/2012

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My son has been sick since hes been 12 all he knows is dr and hospital and medications. He never developed any friendships. He is lonely and I always thought he was depressed. He is now 19 and still going through alot medically. He has never had a normal childhood. He goes to college part time and works part time. He befriended people from work and confided in them hes depressed. He is now smoking pot. He says it numbs him and makes him feel better. He confided in me he is depressed but will not talk to anyone and because hes 19 ,hes an adult and I cant do anything. He needs help asap but I dont know what to do. Any advice.

Nat - posted on 07/05/2012

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Lisa I'm so sorry to hear about you and your sons pain :( My daughter is suffering severe depression at the moment and I had no idea how to handle it but as I became aware that it was far more serious than I feared I had to make a decission to act. It imakes it so more difficult when they have people that they care about deeply contributing to their pain. My daughters best friend is also severly depressed and it scared me to think that each may actually be making the other worse and escalate her risk. Although your sons girlfriend is not depressed, it does seem that she most certainly puts your son in the situation where she may escalte his risk. Maybe you can try what I did, my husband and I discussed with each other firstly what we were and were not going to say, then being very careful to avoid any labeling, judgements or accusations sat her down to talk to her about what we did know and insist on telling us what we didn't. It has taken awhile for her to open up completely but she has through gentle but firm prodding, asking lots of questions and givng her lots of love and support. We got her to agree to see a doctor and she now has the appropriate specialist appointments in place. Your son sounds very vulnerable at the moment and I wouldn't hesitate in seeking professional help. I am no expert but if I were you I would be trying to approach him when he is not upset or angry. When he is calm try gently talking to him and tell him your concerns. Tell him that you love him and that you are deeply concerned for his safety. Trying to get him to agree to attend the doctors with you is your first step but if after talking with him he still wont agree I would be seeking the advice of a professional anyway, their lives are far to precious to risk otherwise. I so hope that you have some success in getting through to him hun , sending ♥ your way, all the best x.

Deneene - posted on 05/17/2012

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My heart goes out to you and my prayers will be with you and your family. As stated in other comments to your post, "You are not alone!" Your post came up when I did a Google search about what I'm going through with my son and it was as if I was reading something I posted myself. My son will be 16 in July and he is an honor student, plays multiple instruments, and several sports. He was in a relationship last year with a young lady for a little over 10 months. It was way too serious, but he refused to listen to me. He gave his whole heart and she was his entire world. He did everything she wanted and he worked hard on a farm over the winter break to raise money to buy her things. Right after he spent all the money he worked for on her for concert tickets and Valentine's Day gifts, she broke up with him the morning after Valentine's Day. He stopped eating, fell behind on school work, cried everyday even calling me from school crying because she was in several of his classes and wouldn't talk to him. He is hurt, depressed, and angry. For the first few weeks he kept saying he hated life, hated the world, and didn't have a reason to live. Now he just doesn't care about anything and is depressed but refuses to accept it. I tried to get him counseling and he refused to go and said even if I physically forced him he would say nothing. The school counselor pulled him in a few times and he sat there closed up saying nothing. My son has a strong spiritual base, but seems to even be mad with God and no matter what I do or say I can't seem to get through to him. Watching him go through this is the most painful thing I've ever been through. I'm a single mom and most of his life he hasn't had a father figure in the home. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I will however let you know if I come across anything that works to improve our situation. Love, Peace, Blessings, and Hope to you...Dee

Michele - posted on 10/11/2009

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Lisa, I share your pain, you've rec'd some good recommendations, pls let us know how it's going.

Ann - posted on 10/11/2009

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Get him some professional help. Don't wait. My community in the past 18 months has seen 6 boys from16 to 18 take their own lives. Who knows what could have been done to help. But do all you can and don't wait. I have a daughter who was using self injury in 7th grade to cope with her depression and I got her help and she continues to go to a therapist, sometimes she hates it but most of the time it is great. She has shown a huge improvment over the last 5 years. She was dianosed with ADHD and severe depression. I am scared for todays youth. They don't know how quickly life can be over.

Lori - posted on 10/10/2009

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Does he have any outlets for his frustration? My son is 15 and has had his heart broken by girls who use him also. He writes songs (he plays guitar)about his feelings (believe me they are fantastic, sad but incredible). He also has lots of friends on myspace he talks to, they talk to him when he doesn't want to talk to me and believe me he doesn't want to talk to mom or dad about his problems at least not here.

Have you thought about giving him an outlet like this? Some way for him to express himself... If you want to see how my son does you can look at his website

www.alongcamemay.com

Show it to your son - he may get inspired to put to music his feelings - playing an instrument is a wonderful escape for teenagers - When angry they can play loud and heavy and when sad they can play differently.

Hope this helps and doesn't sound as corney as I think it does :) good luck with him -

Marlène - posted on 10/03/2009

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I don't know how open you are to "out of the box" kind of treatment. For sure, a psychatrist or any outside help could be usefull. But what most young people need these days is a feeling of an internal structure they could relate to. When the structure is "forced" upon them by the adults outside, they have hard time to comply to it. They are a few psychatrists using a technique called "EMF Balancing Technique". And there are a lot of practitionner of that technique who are not psychatric. Anyway, for my 13years old son a some of his friends, it does wonder. Because it helps them to get in touch with the most sacred part of their being and it offer them an internal structure they can relate to. It help them sort out their emotions and feelings by themselves. And what's best is that the results are quick to show. For more informations www.emfbalancingtechnique.com

Tara - posted on 10/02/2009

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that is one thing i am very proud of my daughter she doesnot drink but she will go in her room and hide from us and it scares me so while she is in school i check on her make sure things are ok.

Alanna - posted on 10/02/2009

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Hi there. I also have a son the same age as your that is very depressed, moody and angry. He shuts down almost completely and does nothing but play x-box. He has been in a lot of trouble, does drugs and drinks occasionally as a way to buffer the pain.

Bottom line is your son must be assessed and treated. I am a professional in the feild and recognize patterns of behaviour that can ultimately lead to suicide. He must be assesed. I can't stress this enough. If he is not willing to go, you can get a court ordered assessment through adolescent forensic dept. You do this by going to the court building downtown.

Believe me, this is what he needs. You can't fix the problem until you understand the root of it.

Tara - posted on 10/02/2009

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my daughter goes talks to someone every two weeks and she has two mentors to help her i try keep her busy but i have other kids plus i am not best of health

Shawna - posted on 10/02/2009

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Girls are impossible at that age. They seem to delight in torturing boys to see the reaction. If he's not suicidal, don't worry too much. If he mentioned killing himself, you need to get him to a professional right away. As a mom, all you need to do is be there for him, and make sure he knows you are. Kids might not want to share with mommy, and especially boys. Does he have a male figure? If not, try to see if you can get him involved in a sport or another friend's dad. He may open up to an older male. Hopefully this experience with the girl won't scar him and make him avoid relationships, or try harder the next time. How was your relationship with his dad? Is he somehow emulating parts of your relationship that he has seen? Get him a good outlet, physical if at all possible. Sometimes my son will come home upset, and after he physically exercises, he is a different person.

Tara - posted on 10/01/2009

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my daughter is 14 years old and she has serve depression, separate any??? and few other things and she has take meds for it but boy she does not take it watch out some one say something she really gets mean and nasty plus she would cry and we have been through sleepness sleep due her wanted to kill herself or just cring but my husband tells her all she wants is to get people to feel sorry for her and she needs to get over it it makes it rough one time she had a bad day she bite me 12 times cause she was going run away and i was scared want she was going to do so i hold her so she bite me they have up her meds start off the school year and have seen alot better but now she is complaining of sick to the stomch and dry hives so i am not sure want to do and my husband tells me it is nerves no help with him so please don't give up i understand where you are coming form

Melinda Douglas - posted on 10/01/2009

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Lisa, I feel your pain. I have a son that is 25 now and still going through the same things. It started around age 10 and has gotten much worse as the years progressed. I did seek help from doctors, counselors, and psychiatrist. I have a question, are you a single mom? I have two boys one is my step son which is the one having the problems and I have a 18 year old. My now ex-husband would not allow counseling at first, but I made it happen anyway. When my son was diagnosted with Oppositional Defiant Disorder my ex-husband stopped allowing me to continue my son in any type of counseling. Huge mistake. As he got older he used and abused women. When he finallly did get serious with a girl, he cheated on her, even though he loved her as much as he could love. They broke up and he bought her everything you can imagine, which won her back for a while. This on and off went on for a while. He became very depressed after each episode and started getting into serious fights (with weapons) because I think he wanted to feel the pain. He thinks he is above the law, that's the ODD part, and he looks for pain (that's the fighting part) because he does not like who he is. He still can't admit this to himself, so his saga is never ending. He has been so depressed he has voiced his thoughts of suicide and I know if something doesn't change in him soon I will either loose him to death or he will be in prison. GET HELP NOW! Is there anyone in your son's life that he regards highly? Is there a Big Brother Program in your area. Ask him to go to counseling with you because you need help. It won't hurt you to get some advise and it WILL get him in counseling. It may sound like trickery, but he may be more willing to help you than he will be in helping himself. Pray specific prayers to God. Tell God exactly what you need and expect God to give you what you ask for. It is amazing to me when I have asked for specific prayers there was always some change that would come about. No matter how small, every little change will help. Ask God to put people in your sons path that will intervene and help with the situation. Please seek help immediately. You can NEVER take a teenagers depression lightly. Hormones raging and depression building can be just the last straw sometimes. I will pray specific prayers of intervention for you and your son. Please get some help. Call Hotline and talk to someone and let them lead you in the right path, anything, just ACT NOW. God Bless you and your son.

Mallisa - posted on 09/30/2009

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Hi Lisa. You've gotton some really great advice. I would for sure take him to a doctor, right away! Can't tell thru your message, but if he may be having suicidal thoughts, you want to have help ASAP. I know when I was a teen, I was always very depressed, and as an adult, my Mom told me she wished she'd know about anti-depressant then, cause she would have definately gotten them for me. There is a "vitamin" called St. Johns Wort, it works just like an anti-depressant, but it's all natural. You can try him on those if you are afraid to try meds, talk to his doc about it. Good Luck & Don't ever stop Praying!

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Teenage love is tough! I woudn't bad mouth the girl too much because he might get back with her and then you will be the bad guy. I would not tolerate the destructive behavior....he needs to learn how to deal with disappointment without going into fits of rage. If you truly feel like he is depressed, I would take him to a therapist who deals with teenagers. He may just need a neutral party to help guide him and give him the tools to move on without this girl.



Good luck!

Liz - posted on 09/30/2009

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Lisa,

Don't let is escalate. You may want to take him to the hospital E.R. if he gets too violent. They will have him evaluated by a psych person there and then refer him somewhere. I have, unfortunately, been through depression issues with some family members - it is not something to deal with yourself.

Is your son using Accutane by any chance? I worked with an attorney for many years who was dealing with Accutane related depression and suicide in teens.

Seek help, and please keep us posted.

[deleted account]

Take him to a doctor. If he is hurting himself he needs help. Don't let his resistance stop you. Take charge and make him open up. Let him know that he's not alone and you are there for him.

JoAnn - posted on 09/29/2009

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Dear Lisa,



I have a son who is bi-polar has been since 8th grade. It started out with depression, we had 5 family member pass away that year. He was very close to his grandfather. He held it in. We went through alot, depression, drugs, bipolar, suicide, hospitalization. I don't know if you have a family history of mental illness or depression. They are genetic. Being a teen does not help either. I suggest therapy, maybe group, someone who is close to him maybe could find out whats going on. The sooner you can figure out whats going on is his head the better. Because todays teens will self medicate, cut, drugs just to take away the pain. Just let him know that you are there for him and that you will always love him.I hope this was helpful. God Bless.

Judy - posted on 09/29/2009

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I know from experience how hard it is to watch your child go thru heartbreak. Everyone has to go thru it sometime or another. BUT, he has to have consequences for breaking things. As his parent you need to calmly tell him he has to pay you back for all he has damaged. If he refuses, then take away things, such as cell phone, computer, car, take off bedroom door, etc. Bedroom door may be a good starter because he really shouldn't be alone. Thats when he has the most time to "think" about negitive thoughts which causes the chain reaction. Keep him busy with chores or a job. He has to much time on his hands. He will figure things out with this girl on his own. He has to know that destroying your home that you have worked hard for is a NO NO!! Its against the law! If you dont correct this behavior now, he will end up in the hands of the authorities and court systems when he gets older. If he doesn't stop destroying your home, you may have to use tough love and call the police on him. You have to get his attention. Good luck! :)

Melody - posted on 09/29/2009

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This is a very serious problem, you really need to take him to a professional before something bad happens, thats the truth. Or does he have a good friend that maybe can talk to him. He needs help, he really does. Your depressed to, get help for youself to.

Jeana - posted on 09/28/2009

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Lisa, i know it has to be hard. I am the mom of 4 boys ages 23-14. I had a similar crisis several years ago with one of the boys. We had to intervene and get him some help. He started out being angry, breaking things, yelling then seclusion. He drank a bottle of robitussin and went to school, no one knew what he did. He passed out at school and teachers called. He went to the hospital then commited to a youth pschiatriac facility for a few days or so. After that counseling, for him and family. You really need to intervene and get him some counseling or admission. Part of my step sons problem was a girl as well. This has been 4 yrs ago and he is doing wondrful. I t hought i would share our experience with you, i hope it helps. You and your son will be in my prayers anf i hope evertying works out for him. Jena

Deirdre - posted on 09/28/2009

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It sounds like your son needs to see his doctor as soon as possible!! It is quite possible that he may need to be treated for depression. It would also probably be a very good idea to seek counseling for him. It is hard for teens to talk about what is bothering them with their parents sometimes. They don't want their family to worry about what is going on in their lives, especially if there is bullying involved. It sounds like the poor guy is just emotionally spent. Please, take him to your family doctor and have a very frank discussion with him/her. Your son may have a legitimate medical issue and he is too precious for you to not find out for sure! Wishing you the best of luck.

Penny - posted on 09/28/2009

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acts 19;12 pray over a napkin what ever and put it in his pillow are get your church to pray with you. i will. please read this,

Bridget - posted on 09/28/2009

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I have a a son that has a hard time explaining his feelings openly. So I tell him to write down everything and that gives him time to sit and think about how he wants to say. In the 4th grade he yelled at me all day just to find out it isn't even me that he was mad at. Does he have a journal to write in? I know boys think it is for just girls but it might help..there might be a group he could join w/other teens feeling the same way..he can go and just listen..I would try the first thing..have him write it out..then just you and him talk about it..then burn the letter that way he knows that no one else will read it..

If you do try it..keep me posted..please and good luck..

Paula - posted on 09/28/2009

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I also have been going through the same type of behavior with my 12 yr old son. Tantrums, anger fits, bullies, fighting in school, etc. I have recently (June '09) gotten him psychiatric care, a therapist and changed his diet. We are testing for bi-polar but for now the doctors call it Explosive Anger Disorder. Since he started taking anger management meds he has improved 75%. I haven't seen a new hole in a wall in a while. :-) I have had a few anger meltdowns but when this has happened, he has been able to calm himself down in a relatively short period of time. We still have issues with bullies but you can't control other kids, only your own. You really should try to have your son see a psychiatrist & perhaps a PhD too. He might resist at first but once the ball starts rolling and he feels better, he will thank you. My son did!

Good luck to you and your family as I know this is a trying thing to deal with. Keep the faith and hang together.

Erin - posted on 09/27/2009

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well i used to be depressed but god opened it all up for me and i still feel effects from it but i didnt want to tell anyone especially my parents that would be like admitting i was weak which i didnt want to do.so just make sure he's attending church and reading hi bible and etc. because god can really open up his eyes

Janice - posted on 09/27/2009

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You must get help for your son, he needs to talk to someone! I hear you when you say he doesn't want to talk to anyone, but you need to let him know if it's not you, it needs to be someone, your pastor, his best friend, and uncle or aunt, someone. He truly needs to let this girl go, she is just using him, and I know this isn't easy to do, but he is too good for her! For now hugs may help. I know when my son didn't want to talk, I just loved him, and eventually he came around!

Nicole - posted on 09/26/2009

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I also have a 17yr old son, he's ADHD and he's depressed and he's very emontional. I'm basically on the same page as you, just minus the girlfriend issues. Since he's on meds, he's also in an all boys group @ the Mental Health Center. He also talks with a theripist every 2 weeks unless he needs to see him more and with all this he's still depressed, angry, and just emontional. So I may not have the answer but I do know what your going through..........

Kathy - posted on 09/26/2009

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hi i have been thru some of the same issues.we have been treating my son for bipolar.we have had problems with him punching walls,cussing ,and many other things .his main problems started his freshmen year of school.shortley before this he encountered his first girlfriend.he is on and off with her still. he is a junior now.we are trying medication and im not sure this is the right thing but nothing else has helped.we take one day at a time and pray alot.i dont have any advice but rest assure you are not alone.praying for you also.

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i'm not sure if this will help or if your child is willing to go, but some anger management courses would be very helpful or a youth group of some sort with the same interests as he would have, maybe a class that would help build self esteem and self displine like martial arts would give him the confidence to stand up for himself since he was bullied. i do not know what is out there for kids his age as my son went threw a class at school when he was 12 and 13 that helped him learn to deal with anger, my son use to have an explosive temper and was bullied for awhile as well, he is doing very well now and found a good group of peers to hang out with before he hit high school, (he is now 14) and now building more confidence with each day from which he lost when he was being bullied. check your area for programs that are free or offer subsidy if money is an issue, where i live they have subsidy for YMCA which is great for my son and i.

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