Help Needed for 13yr old Daughter that Lies All the Time About Boys

Angie - posted on 04/16/2013

Kathy,

I can totally relate, my daughter is 13 years old, soon to be 14. My husband and I also have made it clear that she is too young to have a boyfriend, however, she ends having boyfriends at school, and through Facebook. I also became sexually active at a young age and did not pick the right type of friends or boyfriends to be around, and became pregnant at a young age. As far as my daughter's choice in boys there are also boys that have been in trouble with the law, and into drugs, etc.. Just this past Saturday she had a girlfriend spend the night, and I woke up at 1 am and the two of them were not in the house, I called my daughter on her phone and she innocently said she was outside sitting on the cul-da-sack in front of my house just talking, and came right in. I told the girls " once we're in the house, were in for the night!!" And that was the end of it. I didn't think anything else of it, and then today I find a note from that friend that states, I talked to Eddie in first hour, and he said he doesn't even remember hanging out with us Saturday night!! Whatever, LOL !! So not only were they out there because a boy was here, the boy was obviously on drugs or drinking, because he doesn't remember being here!! So it is now 2:30 pm, my daughter will be home in 15 minutes, and I found this letter this morning, so I have been thinking about what I should do and say all day, which is what led me to find this site!! This is by no means the first time something of this nature has happened, obviously what I've done up to this point is not working!! I'm very concerned about her!! Her grades are also very poor!! Her whole focus is how many boys can she talk to, or about, or how many pictures came she take of her self with her cell phone!!! Something has to change!! I wish Someone could just say do this, IT WILL WORK FOR SURE!!!! Thank you so much for listening, I feel your pain!! Worried mother in Michigan!!

Pati - posted on 02/03/2009

Hi,

I agree 13 is to young to date for many reasons, At 13 you need to know what she is doing and she needs to have rules and consequences. If you want to know what she is into, it might be hard reading, but if she has aol im or a chat program on the computer, get a spy wear that will save all chats, IM grabber is good.  Some think it is not right or fair to invade on a kids space like that, but I am responsible for my daughter bottom line no matter what she does and I need to know what is going on in her world. I started monitoring at 12 when she started using the computer and got a cell phone.  

When she started liking a boy just before14 I went to his house and talked to him and his parents and let them know that my daughter was NOT allowed to date. She was a little embarrassed and then again with the next guy that came sniffing around, I found his house and parents too and the next. She is well known at school been on cheer since 9th grade, It was kinda funny by the time she was able to date, all the boys were afraid of me.  There are a lot of things that she can do at different stages of her life, she was able to go with a boy to each homecoming dance in high school, she could have male friends and stuff, but she is not in charge of her life just yet and when I say no I mean it. I have been open and honest explaining why each rule is in place and which ones will be negotiable at what age.  It has been hard because her dad was not the best role model when he was alive and she was so against all the males in our life till this past year, but I have had them (the guys) talk to her about guys.. and what they want and what they say and the whole game. One of the things I was advised to watch for in counseling with her was looking for the attention she did not get from her dad in boys..

The monitoring was to know if she was safe and to guide me in advising her in a round about way, not to catch her doing something wrong. I did it from 12 to 16. She stepped way over the line at 14 and lied about it its on some other posts here, she was drinking and she got grounded for 6 months. Rough maybe, I can not allow her to go down a dead end road and I was not going to wait till I was forced down it to drag her back kicking and screaming. I had to nip it in the bud and I did. Bottom line in my house, there is no lying, I do not lie to her and I will not stand her lying to me. There was no sex no drugs period no dating till she was 16, no drugs and no drinking till she is 21 (or out of my house at least) D”s and F’s were also punishable. I am a pretty cool mom in her friend’s eyes and her's, but when I say NO I mean it.  She was grounded for 6 months for LYING to me. Yes she would have been punished for doing what she did when I found out, and I always do, but because she choose to break the rules and then lie when confronted, she got the full harsh unconditional grounded to the house for 6 months loose all modern electronics life. She was drug tested and told any positive would result in rehab and relocating.  We became very close then and learned how to talk with each other in a more adult way and how to get through the next chapter in our lives, Together!  My 1st goal was to teach her that she had to be honest, no matter what I needed to hear it from her first I got her to understand that I would always be there for her, but that in order for me to have her back at all times I needed to know what was really going on, weather I liked it or not.  I now get jaw dropping conversations with my daughter, and it makes me feel proud that she feels safe enough to tell me anything and it will be ok. I may not like it, but I have to accept that she is going to have her own experiences and its good to know that she is making mostly smart choices. My 2nd goal in this was to get her to believe that I would always be there for her, and that if she were ever feeling unsafe or was in a bad situation she could call me and I’d be there. (part of what happened on her sneak and drink night at 14) And though I am not proud of her drinking again, she did after senior picnic I dropped her at a friends to spend the night, she called me at 11:30 told me she had a drink and felt sick so I went, picked her up took her home gave her a bucket and some Advil and a soda and went to bed (and cried)  And never said anything else, I could see the look of how much trouble am I in.  She knew by looking at me that I was disappointed in her drinking, but thankful that she called. So I learned that she makes a bad choice now and then and she learned that no matter what, she can call me and I will be there.  The next morning, her cell phone remote control and car keys were on the table with a note from her saying Thank You.  She is 17 now has had the same job for over a year has a nice boyfriend and is waiting for her college acceptance letters; we shall see what happens but I don’t regret any of what I did in getting her this far.

Carey - posted on 02/03/2009

Hi Kathy!  I can understand what you are feeling!  I am the mother of a 15 year old daughter and I am involved with many pre-teen and teen girls at my church!  You are not alone!  This is happening to all sorts of girls from all types of homes.  The girls of this generation are dealing with soo much peer pressure and issues in school.  In middle school, girls are actually teased if they do not have a boyfriend.  Also, these girls are struggling with their appearance and acceptance of themselves and they think a boy will fill that void.  When they are soo caught up in this it is hard for them to hear us telling them no, they are only focusing on the immediate effect they get from the attention.  I would suggest that you and your daughter spend some time together doing something she would enjoy.  While you are doing this, have an open conversation with her and find out why she wants a boyfriend and talk with her about it.  Let her know that it hurts you when she goes behind your back and it causes you to not to be able to trust her.  Tell her when you trust her more she is able to do more! My daughter wanted to grow up soo fast like a lot of the other girls.  I promise it gets better when she gets out of middle school.  My daughter is now able to have a boyfriend under the rules that she is not to be alone with him or go any where with him until she is 16.  She is a cheerleader at her highschool and spends most of her free time with us and he visits a couple days a week at our house.  He is even going to church with us 2 days a week.    I too felt the same way as you when she was that age.  It is more important that you have a relationship with her to where she can share with you and you can help to change her heart.  Protect her without having to say NO so often.  They only rebel at this age to that word.  I got smart and kept her busy.  When she was invited to a party that I did not approve of  I just happened to make up plans so she was unable to go. She never even realized that I was keeping her away from certain groups of people and girl - boy parties that I did not approve of.  Good Luck.........      She is already a step ahead because she has a mom like you that cares soo much for her!!!!

Becky - posted on 02/03/2009

Hi Kathy, I thought of something else.

Actually at 13, they like the "idea" of having a boyfriend, it makes them feel grown-up. So like i said, let her "think" she has a boyfriend. She doesn't - its really just a boy at school that she sees everyday and really likes alot. They have no idea what a real relationship is, so don't sweat it. Its more important to keep communicating with her (calmly), that will stop the lying. Then she'll feel like she can come to you with anything. Thats what you want right?

Becky - posted on 02/03/2009

Don't tell her she can't have a boyfriend, cuz, thats exactly what she'll do. Instead allow her to "think" she can have a boyfriend and that you gave her permission. The "catch" . . . she can only see him when they are at school. In between classes, at lunch, etc.. Thats not enough time for it to be a concern. Then stick to your guns about not allowing it outside of school! Tell her if things go ok then maybe next year, if she still likes him (trust me, she won't) You'll think about allowing her to she him on weekends, etc....

What I've learned about teens, I have 3, is that compromising with them and finding common ground, works best. They want to make choices now, so let them, BUT, keep those choices very structured, the way YOU want it. They're happy, Your happy! Then when it all falls apart because it usually does be there for support and the "I told you so's"

Best of luck!

Becky

Keisha - posted on 02/03/2009

she isnt  mature enough to have a boyfriend yet.. I guess its kinda too late to go back on your decision kinda./ I would tell her if she cant be honest, she cant date and mean it. Put your foot down. I bet you see results then... Also take away her communication with boys ie. cell phones and computers.

my daughter isnt allowed to date until 15ish because I want her to be mature enough to handle what comes with it.. .keeping up grades and if bad things happen... when kids date young sometimes they cant handle the bad.. break ups etc.

I hope she realizes that  honesty is the best policy.. My daughter is learning that. I have taken everything away.. computer, ipod, cell and radio... I told her things could be so easy or so hard.. its your choice.. I know she will mess up but my thing is its important that I can trust her thru her good and bad decisions because we all make them..

Good Luck

Kim - posted on 02/02/2009

my name is Kim and I have a 18year old daughter and I have been there too. My husband and I took her to counseling because we could not stand the lying any longer. We started off with family counseling that way she didn't think it was all about what she is doing wrong. We found out we were giving her the wrong kind of attention and this is how she was getting attention was by lying.

Kathy - posted on 02/02/2009

I truly believe she isn't sexually at this point though fear that can change it the near future. Thank you for you advise and website info I will check it out.

Tina - posted on 01/29/2009

Dear Worried Mother in Missouri,

I would recommend www.turnabouteens.org. My daughter is in this program and has help me as a parent as well as my daughter to deal with her problems and struggles in life in general. It sounds to me that there is more then just lying going on and you need an intervention before, if it is not too late, she gets involved with drugs. She is probably already sexually active as well. Check them out on the website. They can help with this kind of behavior.

Shelly - posted on 01/29/2009

Kathy,

  Yea what a mess...I just don't understand why our kids seem to think that we have never had any problems like them what I tell my boys id "Oh I forgot I was born this size!!"  This is something you need to nip in the bud now.  As far as her grades it's time to take away whats important to her like phone, stereo, MP3, computer time anything she thinks she can't live without...What we did is stripped thier rooms of every thing except thier beds and dressers and they had to earn them back...we set it up so that we got weekly reports from the teachers and as the grades started coming up we gave them back some thing just not the most important thing first we saved that for last and if the grades started slipping guess what It's MINE again!!!We even took away friend time until they proved that we could trust them again...just a suggestion and no it's not easy but you do what you have to do to show them that your serious about there lives and what thier doing with it. 

Kathy - posted on 01/29/2009

Ticia thank you so much for replying. I have told her about some of my experiences. She also knows how they don't always turn out as intended as her father hasn't stuck around long enough to know her and now she refuses to see him. When I talk about her dad I am talking about her step-dad whom she thinks of and refers to as her dad. I have had conversations with her about boys, sex, protection, birthcontrol, games that are played, and so on...things I wish my mother would have talked with me about. So, why isn't it working? Why doesn't she understand? She wants to be a doctor or scientist though with the road she is heading down just getting her to graduate seems like the biggest of worries that and not getting into trouble with pregnacy, drugs, or something.

Ticia - posted on 01/29/2009

Hi Kathy my name is Ticia I have a 14yr. Have you talked with daughter about the responsiblilities that come with having a boyfriend. When i mean boyfriend. I mean the ones that she likes a little bit more than friends. Have you talked openingly with her. I know it seems like they are so young to talk to right now. But I found talking with my daughter is alot better than her getting her information from her friends who think they know it all. I do not encourage and young lady to have a boyfriend. When we were their age we had boyfriends and talking about your experiences might help her to understand why school should be her number one focus and boys will always be there.