help please, somebody, anybody

Karen - posted on 10/31/2009

The first thing you are a caring person and you are not a failure. Second get the kids and leave that enviroment cause if your kids around that kind of out of control kids they will one day get in their minds that it is safe to do the same one day..But is decide to stay please get paper and pen and a camera and take documents of all the abuse and put in it who did what and what caused the reaction to have them put their hands on you like that. Try also to talk to BD and see if he can switch to a shift to help out with the kids That why you wont have to explain the bruises on your body I would also seek outside help that can come to your house unstead of a office to sat down and talk with each of the kids to see what is going on with them and if they want to hit a adult give them the door for the ones who are old enough to get out on their own and let them see how hard it is to pay the bils and take care of their self maybe they will get a rude awakening I see on a show not to long ago that a parent took a kid to a funeral homw where a lady with the same thing you have been thru and show that girl exactly what would happen if things dont quit you may try that to see what happens.

Denise - posted on 10/30/2009

Get the Hell out of there before something bad happens to you or your kids!!! Call protective services and tell them whats going on. There are womens shelters too that you can go to. Go to a church and ask about them. Tell them they are hurting you and you are afraid for your lives. Obviously the kids are mad as hell and are lashing out at you. You do not need that in your life nor do your daughters. His kids need help...you tried and don't you dare feel bad or guilty because those kids wouldn't feel a damn thing if something happened to you I'm sure. Take your daughters out ASAP!!!!!! Contact protective services and get to a shelter with your girls as soon as you can. Please for the love of God don't think twice or hesitate. My sister had a similar situation and 3 kids and she got away and the shelter even paid for her to get her own place. GET OUT!!!

Jacque - posted on 10/30/2009

Take your kids and Haul ass. Your kids are your first responsibility. If your not safe neither are they. I know you love your husband but tell him to call you when he has dealt with his issues ( his kids).

Tammy - posted on 10/30/2009

Again, thank you all. I thought I would give you an update. I have been checking into juvenile boot camp type facilities for sd. Dad has finally agreed to and is actively seeking counseling both family as well as individual for sd. As far as ss goes he doesn't come home all that often anymore, he is almost 18 and doesn't feel he needs to do anything we tell him. Ever since the episode with me getting jabbed with the crutch, dad has finally begun to realize he has to start standing up. I guess my actually showing him the bruise this time made the difference. All the other times I never showed him the bruises, why? Because I didn't want the kids to have the satisfaction of knowing how badly they hurt me. I know that was kind of messed up thinking I guess, but I guess I thought if they knew how badly they hurt me they would be more apt to do it more often. Anyways, things are getting better, slowly. Dad knows that if one more thing happens, I am out of here if he doesn't do something about it. I am sorry, lots of posts on this, but in response to the person who said something about talking to the school. We have, the school here is nutso, they have actually encouraged our kids to disobey us. This is NOT an exaggeration. When sd was in 7th grade, she was in choir, because the class she wanted was full. Anyways, they had a choir concert that was mandatory I contacted the school and let them know that dad had been laid off of work and our car was not running therefore we had NO way to get her to her concert 28 miles away. They said ok and they would let the teacher know. When sd got to class that day the teacher informed her that she had better just stay in town after school, cause if she wasn't at concert she would get a zero. I couldn't believe it so I contacted teacher and she said she had no choice but to give her a zero if she wasn't there. I've tried to deal with the high school with ss and again got no support, had no way to transport ss to and from football practice so told them I wanted him out of football cause we were down to one car and didn't have transportation for him and they refused to do it saying that if they pulled him he would quit school. He forged his dad's signature this year on his paperwork for football, I contacted the school and they did nothing other than told him to bring it home and get my signature. When I was in school, if someone got caught forging a parents signature on ANYTHING they got suspended. My point here is that the school is absolutely NO help, if anything they encourage disrespect. Again, thank you all. It was the words of many of you combined with what happened with the whole crutch thing that has made dad start thinking things through and deciding it was time to get help from an outside source. Keep praying for us.

Shelby - posted on 10/30/2009

O.K. as I posted on another thread, I'm not one to sugar coat things. I'm going to give you my opinion and do so without trying to offend you so I hope this doesn't come across too harsh.

Why are you still there? You are allowing yourself to be abused in front of your children...What is that teaching them? You have your own children to worry about and you obviously aren't doing anything when it comes to your step-children. You are wasting the last years that you have your children at home, suffering on a daily basis due to something your kids have no plight in. Why would you do that? Obviously you are a strong, smart woman. I think you know what you need to do but because you love your husband you can't do it. Instead you allow them to beat on you and do nothing. What are you teaching them. Have you ever heard of tough love? Someone needs to lead those kids in the right direction, and since no one else "obviously" if you have kids acting like that is doing it, then you need to step up. Those kids need help and NO ONE is getting it for them!!! What is going on here? Call the law the second they lay a finger on you. If your husband loves you why would he want you to sit there and get beat on. Why would you allow your kids to see this? Put yourself in their shoes for a second. Imagine seeing your mom in pain and agony on a daily basis and be too afraid to say or do anything to help her. That has to be tough on them and they'll have to live with that the rest of their lives. What you are doing to those kids (Your kids) you'll have to live with the rest of your life. You must stop the cycle of violence NOW. Whats to say that you are the only one that these kids are going to beat on??? What about their future spouse? THeir kids? something has to be done. In my opinion someone should have done called Social Services, and you don't want that. Be proactive, you need to take that first step. Call the LAW!!!! If you can't do it for yourself because you love your husband that much, Then do it for your kids.



My child hood was a little different. I saw my mom beat to a pulp on a daily basis, and I remember every beating to this day, it haunts me, I felt so helpless. BUt I have to deal with it every day even at 31, Your kids will too, trust me.



Do something, don't do this to your kids. NO MAN is that important, I don't care how good a husband he is.

Rae - posted on 10/29/2009

Please, take your bio kids and leave. I am a mom of 4 wonderful boys, but just because I call them wonderful doesn't mean there aren't problems. Right now my almost 16 year old is in a behavioral health hospital due to genetic depression and possible bipolar. It sounds like you have done most everything and nothing works. If you are feeling bad about leaveing, I understand but the only thing I can suggest is to take him to a crisis center....they are at almost every ER's. The pros there are trained to read behavior and can tell when the kid, or theparent for that matter are lying. It is sometimes the only way to get them the couseling they need and after the hospital stay they provide you with ongoing care for as long as you need it. My 16 year old has been in for almost 2 weeks, the usually provide 3 great meals a day, have game rooms, outside sports time, group, peer to peer therapy and well as one on one therapy. once they get discharge the kids almost always go into what is called a partial day program, which is where they are back at the hospital for normal school hours then home for the night. With my son, the partial program will last 5-7 weeks....after that they go into yet another step which is straight there after regualr school hours for 4 hours or so and then back home for the rest of the night. The hosptial sets up transportation and everything. after the after school care is done, they make sure you are set up with Dr's that will conitue on a weekly basis to assess the situation. Honestly, the best place to start to get this process going is with the school guidance office. if you go to a regular ER, you can be there for hours. It may be possible depending on the resources the school has to get you right in to a place and have HOURS cut off the initial process. The kids time away also gives the rest of the family to think more clearly able the situation knowing the the trouble makers will not be around for a certain amount of time. I could give you so many more details on this but have to run....if you want more details, etc, please conatact me back...in the mean time, best of luck and safety!

Julie - posted on 10/29/2009

Plain and simple, just get out and have those children looked at for Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Depression!

Crystal - posted on 10/29/2009

It is so unforunate that you live in this situation. I lived for years in an abusive home between my father and step brother. I had to make adult decions at 14 for my own safety. Watching my mother being abused was a HUGE aprt of it. I have been on my own since. Now as a mother i never want him to live such a life. But i made choices that effetct that currently and all i am is reminded of my childhood. Get your daughter out or she will to fall into abusive relationships simply because its a natural situation that she lives now. Just my experience that i wanted to share because i was and still am a product of my environment and breaking the circle is hard to do even when you are aware of it. Good Luck. My mother ran, it was the best thing she had ever done for herself. Kids grow up and leave and the parents are left behind to clean up a mess that they should of cleaned up much earlier.

Jennifer - posted on 10/28/2009

i agree- get you & your daughters out of there- trust in God & he will get yall thru it- prayin you all-

Sonya - posted on 10/28/2009

First of all i would like to say is that the bible says that we wrestle not against flesh and blood(people) but against principlities, powers, rulers of the darkness of this world,Ephesian 6:12 read the whole chapter your children r not your enemies the forces that's working behind them... you have to take your authority over your house, i don't mean fight your kids but speak life into your situation declare that this will change God has given u the right to speak to the mountain and it has to change. I have a 15 year old and he began to act out we actually got into fights but i began to take control not by forcing him to change but by prayer and binding the true enemy which is demons u may not believe what i am saying is true but it is i promise u it will change.. one other thing u said u r not married people don't realize that
God can't bless there household because they have broken covenant with him we tie his hands when we r not obedient to his commandment...(James 4:7)

Tracy - posted on 10/28/2009

Please ..listen to evryone here..there is sooo much Great Advice..First Call the Police...documnet..document..document..these (no matter how small) instances by photo, police report etc. There has to be consequences for these actions ! Your children though not involved already subliminaly think this is a normal Life occurence..IT IS NOT !! you have to get immediate help , no matter how uncomfortable it is for you to change your life..something has to be done. All my Prayers are with you and All your Family !!

Leslie - posted on 10/27/2009

You have to think of your children and yourself first.It sounds to me like the violence is escalating. You don't want to be there when they finally reach the end of the testing the water stage, I have to agree with a few other people though. I would either call the cops and have them put into a detintion facility or fight back and take my chances. Not very smart the second option, but would probably be very satisfing.

Emma - posted on 10/27/2009

Still there? Have you left? This is not a "wait & see" situation. You have given this situation a decade of your life. Shoving back is not the answer. Dad tells you he will be fine on his own?? So he is demeaning to you also??? Talking and advice and "what if" time has passed. Leave or accept the fact that your life is fed by the drama of the situation. If you stay, you are now guilty of being part of the problem; of teaching this life style to your own children, and theirs. Act. Act now. Buy a bus ticket and go home to your family, love your daughter and let her know she is worth way more than you have been providing her. This is your decision, you are the parent. Choose today to be a better one.

Donna - posted on 10/27/2009

Get out & get out now! You've let it happen this long that no matter what happens in the future these children will always tret you like this. I am a step-mum to 3 & told my partner right from the get go that I don't allow any one to hit me, that includes my kids 5 & his 3. I told him I will sort my kids out if they ever lay a hand on me & I'll call the cops if his do. I am an adult & their carer when they are with me & as such they have respect for me.



They have NO right to lay a hand on you & as their parent your partner should of stepped in right for the beginning & stopped it. My partner has told me that should his children ever lay a hand on me that they will be banned from the house until they prove they are sorry & if it ever happened agai that he would personally take them to the police.



Do not put up wit it, do not allow it. Your daughter is learning that it's alright to disrespect you .... not only that, but what happens if things go further & you're killed? Stand up for yourself & leave!

Tam - posted on 10/27/2009

I have been through some of what you describe.. I was the step mom of a spoiled brat who was verbally and physically abusive. went as far as she refused to go to school and her dad had to report her missing. She chose to stay with the state, and then some terrible guardians.Lied to try to ruin our lives. Her BM did not want to take care of her, the lab was more important. Before the 14 year old left she started the physical abuse and i defened myself. once you start defending yourself they get scared.. theyare just bullies..Now 5 years later she is pregnant with a drug addicts baby, living with her mom and SD who have meth charges.. We made the mistake of trying to re-establish a relationship through phone and internet.. Some things never change, and now she thinks she can hold a grand child we have never met over our heads.. She will send a pic, but we will never treat her kid like we did her. I texted her and told her to keep the pic, if we are not going to be a part of its life we really dont need the pic,, WE were good to her.. SHe sent nasty messages to her REAL dad at 5 in the morning, and when he did not reply she had two felons threaten his family via telephone and texts messages..I am lucky to have a stand up man who realizes that he has good kids here, who do not need her influence at all.. I feel bad for her unborn child since she is six months and only gained 4 pounds..I wonder why living with known meth users???..Her father basically told her to stay away from his family.. what kind of an 18 almost 19 year old has her little boyfriends call and threaten a good family? CRIMINALS...We are taking a stand once again in our life. Defend yourself, use TOUGH LOVE.. She works at MCD's he works at a carwash.. I wish them all the luck in the world, but I am not helping them in anyway until they apologize and prove they have changed which we dont see happening anytime soon..I have lived in the same place, and Im not going anywhere.. I dont runaway.. like she has to florida with all the trouble.. THEY(kids) have to respect their Elders.. glad we figured out her motives before she brought the baby around and started playing the malicious mother game.. We have other kids who will someday give us healthy baby grandkids, and not abuse us, or a baby in utero..Step moms get the bad wrap all the time and we are doing our best to raise someone elses fetal alcohol sydrome or druggies baby.. sometimes you just gotta let go and let them figure it out for themselves even if it means they are headed to prison and the poor infant to the state. My stand up guy says he is not raising his daughters child no matter what, and I am thankful I have such a great guy. SInce his daughter never wants to hear from him again, I am sure she wont...

Laney - posted on 10/27/2009

Do they have cell phones, cars & tv's in their room? If so, I would take all of those things away for a start. Put holds on the phone accounts, take the tv's to a friend's house when the kids aren't home, if you can't get the driving age kid's keys, dismantle the car in some other way. Next, I would secretly videotape the arguments and abuse that will probably follow. Then I would email those videos to EVERYONE you know, and every adult they are lying to. Follow up by telling them that kind of behavior will not be tolerated any longer or they will get no help or rewards from you and your boyfriend. I would also talk to the school counselors and see what they suggest (anonymously, if you don't trust that they won't turn your kids in to authorities). Drop them off at a soup kitchen for a day and tell them it's your way or the highway. I don't want to criticize you for your parenting skills because I don't know how you and their father have parented them but it just sounds like they have been lacking in discipline and they definitely do not respect you. The time for "fear of the rod" is past, they are too big for that now and physical contact is not appropriate on either side of this scenario at this point. It may be that you will have to file charges against them anyway to get the point across to them otherwise they might take their tendency to solve their problems physically somewhere else where the other party won't hold back and they will find themselves in trouble they never expected or wanted. If you're going to do that though, do it before they turn 18, that way they will still be considered juveniles and their records can be sealed after all of this is dealt with. I feel so bad for you. There is no one right answer, because every parent, child and situation is different but you have to find some way, any way - use anything you can - to get the respect back. That's why I suggested taking away the media items. You've gotta "hit them where it hurts" so to speak. Don't let money stop you from doing what's best for you and your kids. Get a credit card and make it happen. There has to be someone who would loan you money if necessary. If you have to move, then you need to move. No job is more important than getting your kids and yes, his kids too, on the right track.

Tammy - posted on 10/27/2009

Your husband is so wrong about the counseling! Any counselor worth their salt will know that she is telling lies on you and your husband! You need family counseling ASAP, or yesterday!! The police should be called on the kids if they are abusing you the way you say....they think it is okay because they have gotten by with it over, and over! If everything you say is true, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to fear by going to a counselor and calling the police!!! It wouldn't hurt any of them to spend the night in juvie!! If your husband really loved you he would do whatever it took to keep the kids from abusing you!!! I wouldn't take the time to ask his permission to call the law on them if they are physically abusing you...That is dead wrong!!! What kind of ppl are you and your husband going to be putting out in society if they have no punishment for thier BAD behavior! I assure you that if they beat someone up in the community they will diffentely go to jail. Isn't it better to get a handle on them while they are still young? Praying for you, Tammy

Leslie - posted on 10/27/2009

Sorry to hear about all that you are going through, but everyone on here that has responded is right in one way or another. You must, must report the abuse that they are causing you. The other thing is that you could be charged with child endangerment for having your daughter their when this abuse happens. I know you don't want that, so if you decide to stay then you need to report everything that happens when it happens. That is the only way they will understand that you mean business and you are not taking it any more. If you leave then don't feel guilty for it, you are doing what is best for you and your daughter. You guys don't deserve to be treated that way and you BF should be standing up for you and calling the cops, reporting, and protecting you from all this. Does he really love you cause if he did then he wouldn't let this happen to you. Hope you do what is best for YOU and your daughter. Best of luck and God Bless.

Yocheved - posted on 10/26/2009

You need to seek counseling for yourself first! You need to find out for yourself why you would stay in such a relationship to the detrement of your own daughters. You are living with a man, without the benefit of marrage, and exposing your children to behaviors that they will end up copying. Is that what you want for your daughters? You said in one of your posts that your mother was abused, and you have followed in her footsteps. Is that what you want your daughters to do? These are patterns that are documented. Show your children a positive role model. Leave this relationship, get counseling, and seek future relationships that are positive rather than negative. Next time you become involved with a man, demand that he respect you and your children. Become a wife, not a live in, your girls see this too.Get help NOW for your girls and yourself. Start respecting and having faith in yourself. Your girls will start to look up to you for it. It may seem impossible at first, but believe me, it's a lot easer than what you are used to. Good luck, and hang in there.

Margie - posted on 10/26/2009

So now what? It's your call, you know it's a bad situation and you have known for years that it is, and your daughter is a child you love her and respect her, but you can't live your life because of what a child says, you need to go to a shelter. BUT only you can decide that we can sit here and give you advice and you can read it, and have a bleeding heart but are you going to act on it, cause guess what you need to set the example for your daughter, she will go through all this and will probably marry a man that will abuse her. Do you want that? NO? Then you need to act now and prove to her that it is wrong, get counseling for both of you, your local women's shelter offers it. Don't make excuses because you will come up with 20 plus reasons why not to go, it is never a good time, just do it! Keep us posted. Best of luck to you

Janelle - posted on 10/26/2009

I just want to tell you how sorry I am for you're pain.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/26/2009

So now you have all the information you requested. The only thing that is needed at this point is call to action. You have the motivation (your safety and the safety of your child), you have direction and you have desire. Do you have faith? Can you find the strength? Positive change is within your reach if you just ACT!

Tammy - posted on 10/26/2009

I want to tell you all thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cried to hear what some of you have had to say. You know my mom was abused and I swore I would never let a man hit me and I never have but I have basically allowed my man's kid's to hit me. I say basically because I stayed. As a matter of fact the bruise I most recently got was because I don't just take it. You see the boy likes to "shove" that way he can say he didn't hit me. It doesn't fly for me nor the cops nor his dad, we have all told him that shoving is just as bad as hitting. I have always said that men should never hit a woman but if a woman were beating on a man he has every right to defend himself. Preferably through restraint but sometimes that's not possible, like when she is bigger than him, then he has to do whatever he can. Same in any situation. In my situation, my boy likes to shove me when I tell him to get out of my stuff or just whenever he doesn't like what I say, so I shove him back, I feel wrong for doing so but the one time in the beginning when I didn't he didn't just stop with one shove. Now I shove him back to get him away from me, usually we just argue after that and walk away. This time though he was on crutches cause he tore his ACL in a football game; I told him to get the food out of his pocket, that belonged to someone else, and he shoved me in to the refrigerator so he could run with it. So I shoved him back and because he's on crutches he lost his balance and his sister came at me from the other side with a vengence, while I was trying to get her off me and had my backed turned; that's when he jabbed his crutch in to my side. Dad did hear and came to help but I was already injured, it would have been much worse if he hadn't come in though. I couldn't fight the both of them. I HAVE spoken with my daughter and she has begged me not to leave, even cried, she loves them as much as I do. Then she finally said she would be okay with it if we only moved out and not back home. She doesn't want to be that far away, she thinks if we just move out then when both his kids move out then dad and I will and can get back together. I don't think I even want that though. I have felt like I am just here to take care of his kids for a long time now. I think some of you are right though. I think part of me needs that confirmation that leaving is what I need to do. I needed to know that what lies in the future for them won't be my fault if I leave and give up on them. Part of me wants the state to just come in and take them without me having to report anything. It's not my fault if the do something wrong and get taken away right? Least wise I think that's what I have been telling myself. No one could get mad at me if they were the ones that did something wrong and ended up in juvie. I've warned them and so has dad. I think part of him feels the same way. It's like we want the state to take and put them in juvie for a couple weeks or a month or something so they can maybe learn something. But we don't want to be the bad parents who sent there kids away, we don't want to be the bad parents at all. As it is, in this area most people think we are anyways, because we want respect, we don't agree with underage tobacco and alcohol use, and we expect to know where they are at all times. Most of the parents in the town we live in as well as surrounding towns all buy tobacco and alcohol for there minor children, they allow there kids to drive without a license, they don't care what they do or where they go, or when they come in. I am sure this has a lot to do with why ours are so hateful towards us. I have actually had parents tell me that I am to controlling cause I don't want my 13 and 15 yr. old daughters hanging out with or going out with 18, 19, and 20 yr. old guys. I am sorry, it just doesn't work for me. By the way this is what most of our fights with the kids are about. His daughter wants to hand out with people whose parents who have NO rules and with adults that she is way to young to hang with. His son also just wants to go to people's houses where the parents actually by the booze for them to have party's with. I NO I have to leave and I appreciate each and everyone of you and your comments, no matter how bold they were. They were Honest. I have told dad that I am done, I've told him the whole family is to get counseling and somethings need to change or I am outta here. He doesn't want me to go, but has told me more than once over the years that he can take care of things just fine without me. hahaha, I know better and soon enough he will figure it out on his own. Also, for those of you who talked about us sending daughter to grandma's, well part of the reason for that is because grandma was here one day and begged us to let her take daughter for a few months, she would get her in to shape. Well, I guess we wanted grandma to see for herself that she COULDN'T take care of the problem. K gotta run, gotta get to work in like 20 minutes. Feel free to message me anytime. I work a lot these days, trying to put some money away, but will get back with you asap. Thanks again, and god bless each and every one of you.

Melanie - posted on 10/26/2009

I look at it like this you have tried and gone some beyond trying and it just hasnt worked, some people are beyond help and sadly it seems his kids are, to me it sounds as if your boyfriend doesn't discipline them (kids without boundaries and rules then become unruly), I think you have to think about yourself & yours, by staying will only end with more violence which will end horribly, get out and don't feel regretful for protecting your kids as a parent should. Good luck in the future xx

Custom_creations By Lisa - posted on 10/26/2009

I am so sorry to hear the termoil you are in!

First Off NO ONE deserves to be the Brunt of Physical or Mental Abuse! THat is waht you are being dealt right now!

No YOU can Not FORCE them to go to Counseling! But YOU do NOT have to Live in this type of Hell either.

I too was abused by my Duaghter! I spent 12 yrs seeking help not only for her but myself! I learned alot from a support class I took "How to Change DESTRUCTIve Adolescent behavior"!

It was very helpfull to hear the similar stories and such from other parents in like situations!

I am also a stepmother of 4 Other children and THis is tougher than being a natural parent!

But honey...if you & Your hubby are NOT on the same page...you are fighting a LOOSING battle!

If his fears are he does NOT want to loose them...HE is blind to the fact...he ALREADY HAs! Ignorance is NOT BLISSFUL in an abusive volitile situation as this!

I had to make choices with my daugher whom is now turning 22. I had to get her help in programs where she was placed in Residential type setting that dealt with Destructive behaviors, cutting, suicide attempts, Physical Abuse(she was to me) dangerous behaviors and so on. No it was not easy...but I will SAY it helped her and me!

I encourage YOU to get some Support from a Group or Church Group.

You DO NOT DISERVE to be ABUSED and your children that are younger that are living with you...DO you want the same behaviors with them? Is it allright for them to live and be subjected to this? Do you want them to end up in adult relationships of abuse?

No You Don't..that is why you are CRYING out for help!

But children tend to Live hwat they learn and this is BEYOND what any person should endure!

PLEASE seek help for YOU and the Children Living this! You cannot force the others to get help! But you can get help! As far as being Hit and NOT hiting them...YOU HAVE THE right TO DEFEND YOURSELF! I too had the same fear as when my daughter was abusing me and trying to kill me...I weighed 415 lbs and I was terrified to hurt her. But the day I had enough and took her to the ground it was a turning point. I did NOt hit her...I only took her to the ground and caught her by suprise...I then called 911 and had her arrested and from there I fought and successfully got her placed in a youth program...it was helpful for both of us!

Please SEEK HELP...EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT!

GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK!

Margie - posted on 10/26/2009

I got half way through reading this and couldn't read anymore. First yes she does need serious counseling and I fault her father for not acting. She is headed down a path that will make her adult life worse should nothing be done, you need to get on his butt! The first thing you do is you and your husband meet with the counselor that you are setting her up with and tell that person EVERYTHING! How she ran away and lied about abuse, how you fear further lying to the counselor, they can see right through all the kids lies they are trained for that. The next thing you do, when one of those kids lay a hand on you, call the cops! It wont stop, you can't change them, you can't help them, the only way to get them help is to start reporting the abuse! I know i lived with it for 17 years it is no different than a husband beating you, abuse is abuse! And because you take it and have taken it, it WILL get worse. You have not done anything wrong you are not a failure, but you will fail them if you don't report it and get them to counseling, if they fight it, send them to juvie. If daddy gets mad then tell him you wont help them i will. Live with it, cause he has already failed them by letting it go this long. You need to report it before you get arrested for her lies.

Toni - posted on 10/25/2009

Sweetie, I am a big woman also and I know what it is like to live in a situation with violence. My complete and total advice is GET OUT!!!! I thought no one would love me again or my kids, but I was wrong. Now I am in a great marriage with a wonderful man. You owe it to yourself and your kids to live a peaceful life. There is a reason you never married this guy, he is more afraid of his kids than he loves you. Be smart, be strong and do what is necessary for you and your kids. Good luck and God bless.

Devaney - posted on 10/25/2009

I didn't finish reading either. All I have to say is press charges.....PERIOD. Both you and your BF should press charges. If these kids aren't made to stand accountable for their behavior (and I'm not implying that by pressing charges the behavior will stop) they have no chance in life. And if they are doing that to you and their own father, I hate to think what is around the corner for the "little old lady down the street."

Andrea - posted on 10/25/2009

OMG! I couldn't even finish. Let these teenagers live with the choices they are making. If anyone were to hit me or kick me in my own home they would be out! If they think they are old enough to make these adult decicions they are old enough to live with the choice they make. I know that sounds very simple but I'm sure it will be the hardest thing you have every done. Have a familiy meeting. Set the rules out on the table and what will happen if the rules are broken. Get you cop friend in on the meeting if you need the back up help. Ask him if he can be a responding officer if these rules are broken. The hardest part will be the follow through. Good Luck. I will pray for you. It soulds like you are going to need alot more han just prayers!

Jaime - posted on 10/25/2009

THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY IS EVERY TIME YOU GET A BRUSE TAKE A PICTURE OF IT. THEN CALL THE COPS AND SHOW THEM THE PROOF. EVENTUALLY THE COPS WILL GET TIRED OF JUST COMMING OUT THERE AND THEY WILL TAKE HIS KIDS AWAY. IT IS A HARD THING FOR A MOTHER TO DO BUT SOMETIMES THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE EASY. I JUST HAD TO HAVE MY 12 YEAR OLD SON PUT IN A CHILDRENS PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL TWICE IN THE LAST 4 MONTHS FOR TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF. THE FIRST TIME I CRIED AND SHOOK ALL DAY. THE SECOND TIME I DIDN'T. IF YOU DON'T CALL THE COPS SOON HIS KIDS MAY START HURTING YOOU KIDS TOO OVER SOMETHING STUPID LIKE A GAME PERHAPS. IF THEY DON'T START GETTING HELP NOW IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER. JUST REMEMBER TO TAKE PICTURES OF EVERYTHING EVERY TIME. AND CALL THE COPS. HOPE YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED AND GET SAFE WITH YOUR GIRLS. BEST OF LUCK...JAIME

Michelle - posted on 10/25/2009

The best advise I've heard is to leave and leave without feeling bad. You have stayed longer than any one should and you should feel good about yourself for trying as hard as you did. The best thing for you and YOUR girls is to find a place of your own and stay single. You need to show them what a stable house is like so they don't fall into a bad relationship when they decide to move on with their lives. If it's meant to be between you and your boyfriend you'll find him again some time down the road when his kids are on their own but I think it would be best to leave him behind as well, for good. Best of luck to you

Johanna - posted on 10/24/2009

Girl, Stop and LOVE yourself!!! This is mad, these kids have had you in there life for almost 10yr now, and this is how they treat you!!! No there is no excusse for this they are not little babies they are old enough to rep the concinquences for their actions. They have no "fear"/respect for you, their father or themselves! Just closing your eyes and waiting for them to leave or stay away- IS NOT THE ANSWER! No action is worse than action. They are having a feild day, Dad won't do anythin, you won't do anythin and poor grandmom is left while DAD pretends nothing is wrong! This is messed up, your daughter is scared for her life, they bully her by the way they BEAT you and abuse you. She's there allie because she takes their side cause she's scared! They do things when no one else is around cause they are just punks. At thier age, if your old enough to raise your hands and hit someone -your old enough to get hit back! PHOTO your bruises, make a record, file crimminal complaints! Don't EVER let a child you have taken care of, clothed and feed ever think they can do what they want of you , because you are not thier burth mother! I have 2 stepkids who have lived with me for almost all thier lives they know I don't PLAY! There father backs me up. Kids today are smart they know how to play the system, by lieing! Well, proffessionals can see between the lines. Let them lie-because all lies are checked up on an investigated. You have a bigger count than they do. Their father needs to grow a pair, and be a FATHER, not thier friend! So what if they hate him, he needs to do whats right by his kids, so what about anger with thier looser mother, they have a roof over their head and they are laughing at both of you! You are also showing your own daughter that it's OK to be treated the way your allowing those two to treat you! Please, all of the other responses say the same thin -YOU ARE NOT IN A HEALTHY SITUATION - GET OUT OF IT! Money, shmoney - your life and the wellbeing of your mental state are more valuable than any amount of money. and what effects you affects your daughter. Have you ever asked your daughter how she feels about these two! Your scared to be in the comfort of your own home, I see it in your words! Please step back and really see, the tourcher and torment you are allowing yourself to be exposed to! you should m=not feel guilty, but you do. That is normal thinking of an abused person, please sweetie realized your a victim of abuse. You may also be affected by PTS disorder. And your boyfriend rather get sleep and ship his daughter off to her grandmother so he doesn't have to deal with her. Believe me there is more going on than the children acting out. They are doing this because they are screeming for attention to there father! He loves you, does he show outwardly affection towards you when they are around? Are there any triggers that set his kids of. KIDs NEED structure, and any little hole in the house of cards will stress their worlds and they WILL act out! Have his kids been like this since they were little? when or what age were they when they started? This behavior NEEDS proffesional help, stop being scared of what they may do or say! That has no bearing on the fact that they need help, yes the son turns 18 in 3 months so get on it now cause you have say over him. Once he's gone it's too late. He'll just continue to act out until he gets worse and will end up in jail or even worse kill himself or someone else. The daughter is still young enough to get a grip on her! Millitary school if you don't want the state to step in! Bottom line - the hell with huring their feelings - the hell with what they will tell the doctors, they are already saying it and it's out there so hell send them to someone who can see through the lies they are telling. If that doesn't wotk commit them to psyciatric care, don't send them to a poor old woman who can not control them. OR GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT UNHEALTHY SITUATION, IF YOU CAN GO GET YOUR DAUGHTER OUT! and if you are worried about her running away, come on, them they have effected her as well! So please by writing this you already know what to do you want someone to confirm to you that it's the RIGHT thing to do! I don't know you but honey I see these things going on all the time in Philadelphia, PA and no action on your part is never a happy ending. yes you love your boyfriend, and those evil two but you need to love yourself more before you can love them fully. If that doesn't help you need to at least LOVE your daughter more than your boyfriend and those spoiled bratts because she looks at you to protect her like a mom only knows how! I am not trying to be rude but sometime the truth needs to be spelled out, so I'm sorry if I have caused you any undue stress, I just want you to see that you are beautiful and wonderful person you have raised those two from when they were little, you still want to protect them after all they do to you. A friend of mine gave me some wonderful advise, she said "the only advise I can give you is this; look at your situation as if YOUR best friend was going though what you are going through. NOW after looking at what your friend is going through, what advise would you give your friend? Think about it! Now why the hell aren't you listening to yourself!" Simple concept, but very hard to see that the answer is within!!! Please doll we all have been telling you this is a bad deal, get out!

Jennifer - posted on 10/24/2009

Hi Tammy

I am afraid you are probably suffering from battered women's syndrome, when you make excuses to stay in an abusive situation and go on to hope change will come you are where I once was.



Your boyfriend is abusing you by default as he is doing nothing to prevent you being hurt by HIS children, I bet he tells you how he couldn't manage on his own and if you left he would fall apart? There is no way out of this situation unless you leave, if you stay nothing will change and dont for a moment believe your daughter is not affected, believe me she is. Have you spoken to her about leaving? I bet she would be only to delighted to know that her mother, is safe and well when she is out of the home.



You will need support to overcome this situation but it can be done, dont mind cars or money, I was in an abusive situation for seven years and I ran in the clothes I was wearing one day because I knew if I stayed any longer, I would be murdered. I was in Istanbul and got to London to my friend and sought help; I have NEVER looked back.



The guilt and fear are all part of the abusive controlling situation you and your child are living in, you must just go and dont look back. the fact that you posted on here shows your ready but the next day when the guilt hit you began to make excuses and reasons as to why it would get better. this is all part of battered women's syndrome and it is not your fault. Please get out and back to your family, the women's shelter will help you get there so please make that call.

Jennifer

Lina - posted on 10/24/2009

I totally agree with Melissa . You should leave with your daughter before you risk her safety.Noone should suffer any type of abuse & I'm truly sorry you do . My best friend also does the same from her own teenage children that kick, punch ,bite & curse her.I hate seeing anyone go through it . So please leave before it is 2 late. Take care.

Lora - posted on 10/24/2009

If your boyfriend isn't forcing the kids into councelling when obviously they need to be, it's time for an ultimatum...not that I think that's a great solution, but you should never tolerate that type of behavior from a kid. If they can't respect you, it's time to put your foot down. If they are abusive toward you, maybe you do need to file charges against them and put them in Juvi for a few days/weeks. Hitting a woman is completely unacceptable and if a teenager doesn't see that now, think about the consequences of that later in life...



Never feel like it's you're fault - relationships are a two way street. They are his kids and he should take care of this situation. If he refuses to, then this is a sign that it's time to run. He should be protecting and loving you as much as his own children and if he isn't standing up for what's right, it's time to evaluate where you stand with him. This isn't a situation that should be overlooked. It's obviously out of control and if you want this to work, family councelling is the only way to go.

Kim - posted on 10/24/2009

Tammy,



You need to call the police. The father should have done this already, but it seems like he is turning a blind eye to what his kids are doing to you. Does he want you as a partner or as a babysitter. If he cared for you he would have put a stop to this along time ago.



My son has anger issues and when he became so violent one day and had his diabled father and my 15 year old daughter in the driveway fighting both of them, I called 911. They put him in jail, he is on probation for a year and he had to go to anger management classes. Now, I felt horrible for doing this to my own son. But I knew if I didn't show him that we weren't going to put up with it anymore, it would have continued. If you can't leave until tax time, CALL THE POLICE!!!!! Show them that you are done dealing with that behavior and the courts will step in. If you don't put a stop to it now, what's going to happen when they are grown and in a relationship? Are they going to get mad at their spouse or their boy/girlfriend and beat them? Or if they have children, will their children get beat also?



As far as them saying you are abusing them, who is wearing the marks from the abuse? The police will see that and laugh at them. The next time they raise their hand to you call the police let them know what has been going on. Don't not do it for fear of what their father wants or don't want. You have to protect you and your kids. If he cared he would have protected you!!!

Vicky - posted on 10/24/2009

you have a mess of trouble darling . Your whole family needs counseling. But I would not take the abuse any longer. You dont know where it might end.

Kristy - posted on 10/23/2009

Hi I am new to this site but Please go to Womens shelter if you dont have the money to leaxe now. We had a case in our town the kids murdered the stepdad (role reversed i know) ,but thypur stepchildern have anger management problem. your own childern will be left with no one if something happens to you.The womens shelter will hep you if you dont go ther Go to a church. you Boyfrined is just as guilty for letting this go on. Tell him either them or me I WANT TO LIVE ABUSE FREE!!!!!!!! and I do NOT want my children thinking this is the way life is & getting into same situation

Kat - posted on 10/23/2009

Tammy - pack your bags take your children and get away from there - nothing should make you stay there and be treated the way you are - YOU are NOT the failure there is only so much that can be done to try and help children who are nearly adults - they dont want to be helped - they are selfish and hurtful - get out there NOW!

Marci - posted on 10/23/2009

Run Think of yourself. your kids, run and do whats the best for you. you are strong and the releif you will feel when all the bull is behind you will be unbelievable.

Connie - posted on 10/23/2009

Quoting Tammy:

help please, somebody, anybody

I am a mom of a 19 yr. old daughter and a 13 yr. old daughter. My boyfriend and I have lived together since 2000. He has a 15 yr. old daughter and a 17 yr. old son. We have been raising his kids together since about a month after we got together when they were 6 & 8. It has been a constant battle since day one. About a yr. after we got the kids we moved to my home state about 1000 miles away. Things were up and down but not to horrible. About 4 yrs. ago we moved back to his home state, which is where BM, and the kids half brothers live. Since we've been back things have progressively gotten worse. The last 2 yrs. have been absolutely HORRID.... Since we moved back here the kids went from screaming and yelling and mouthing off to getting physical, with BD and myself. I have had bruised breasts from his daughter kicking me and bruised inner thighs from his son kicking me, I have had my head slammed into a stucco wall ( which for those of you who dont know what stucco is, it's like cement) more than once, I've been shoved into doors, appliances and furniture. I am a big woman, I could take them down and prevent them from hurting me but if I did they would get hurt because of the fight they would put up, so I don't "fight" back. As I am typing I suffer from bruises on both sides and back from where I had 17 yr. old sucker punch me so to say with his crutch while I was trying to fend off 15 yr. old who was beating the tar out of my other side. About a yr. and a half ago 15 yr. old took off one night after an argument and went to a friends house and had her friends mom call and say she was there and could she just stay for the night to let things settle down. BD was working 3rd shift and didn't want to leave her here with me with everything going on cause he knew she would come home and start in on me and if he wasn't here when she got physical which he knew she would then I would call the police and he didn't want that to happen, so he said yeah let her stay. The next morning when I went to get her she wasn't there, they had taken her elsewhere and wouldn't tell us where she was. We figured it out on our own and they wouldn't allow us near her so we called the law. The sherriff came out and all these parents of all her friends start telling the cops that we were abusing her and her brother on a daily basis and they were trying to protect her from us. It just so happened we knew the officer and he knew us and he knew it wasn't true. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you the 17 yr. old lifts bench presses 400 lbs, 10 reps of 10 every day for football, there is no way he would stand there and "allow" anyone to "beat" him. He is a big bad boy. Also the 15 yr. old bruises real easy, if she were being abused the school would have known and reported it. Not to mention the officer in question had witnessed their behavior in the past. Anyways, we got her back, but we were completely shocked that she was running around telling people the lies that could have put us in prison and her in a youth detention facility. I know that she deeply needs some serious counseling, my guess is she is looking for attention and she is angry at her mom for doing drugs and getting herself thrown in prison. She refuses and dad won't make her go because she has already proven that she will lie without even caring about the consequences. He is afraid of what vicious lies she would come up with to tell a counselor, which she would do if he MADE her get counseling when she doesnt want to. He loves his kids and is scared to death of loosing them. She has become very promiscuous, I have heard of at least 7 guys she has slept with over the summer. One weekend we took her and dropped her at grandma's for the weekend so dad could get his sleep for work, you see she will wake him up every 10 minutes all day long just to be hateful. Anyways, grandma lives about 13 miles away and about 10 oclock that night she looked at grandma and said she wasn't staying there and took off running down the highway. She was finally found half way between grandma's and home at almost midnight by the same officer mentioned above. He lectured her and she proceeded to tell me after he left that some guy pulled over and tried to force her in the car with him. She claims to have hit him and ran and apparently he didn't chase her. I asked her well did u learn a lesson? Next time stay put, your lucky to be alive and well, he could have raped her and left her for dead. She actually said, NO she didn't learn anything, if we ever tried to take her to grandma's again then she would do it again. Okay, either she made it up and it didn't happen or she trully is more selfish than I ever dreamed that she would put her life in danger just to get way. Now today I have been told that I am a drunk (by the way, I am allergic to alcohol), by the parents of one of her friends. This tells me that she is still up to no good and still telling lies, I am guessing she wants people to feel sorry for her so she can get their full attention. I don't know what to do. I have made the decision to pack mine and my daughters things and leave but that can't happen till taxes when I will have the money to do it. What bothers me about this is I feel like a failure, like I am letting his kids down, and I worry about his and his kids safety and well being if and when I leave. But I also don't like taking chances with mine and my daughters lives, which is what I feel I do every day that I stay here. I mean I have to worry every second of every day that the cops are going to show up to hall us away for some lie that she has told. Somebody help please..... what do I do??? Tuck tail and run as far and as fast as I can or do I stick it out? If I am to stick it out what am I to do about the situation?

Thank You for your help ~ Tammy

Mary - posted on 10/23/2009

CALL THE FRICKEN LAW!!!!! HAVE THEIR ASSES THROWN IN JAIL OR CSI!!! There is absolutely no way in hell that I would put up with that type of crap - why are you!

Carolyn - posted on 10/23/2009

I think you are going to hear the same thing fromeveryone....leave for your safety and the safety of your girls. Things are physical now, what happens when one of his kids puts you or one of your daughters in the hospital? I am a paramedic and I have seen kids do horrible things to their parents/step-parents. I have several step children of my own and I would not feel guilty at all about leaving that situation. If you have done everything you can to raise them right and treat them as one of your own, you haven't failed at anything. Its unfortunate that your boyfriend works odd hours as you don' get the support you need when you need it, the kids are too old for "wait till dad gets home ". I hope you and your girls get somewhere safe where you can concentrate on them and not worrying about whos going to do what to whom.

Judy - posted on 10/23/2009

Yes, take your kids and go back to yur state. This happens a lot in blended families. Different vales and different generations, don't mix easily without a lot of give and take. I think you've given and taken more than most and you have to look at your own life and also protect your kids, too. No relationship with a man, is worth that. God doesn't expect marriage to be such a battlefield and you have a responsibility to the children He gave you. I wish I had known that years ago.

Kelly - posted on 10/23/2009

And also you do not deserve to be treated like this. He needs to be a man and step up and discipline his childrenand you can press assault charges on his kids and then the law will take over!!!!!

Kelly - posted on 10/23/2009

I read your blog and I think that if you are in love, you can make things work. As far as his children are concerned, you definitley need counseling or an outsiders help. It will break his heart if his children get taken, but this is not a healthy enviroment to live in. Counseling might do some good and if she lies, she will be taken and put somewhere else and it will not be any better. Sounds like she definitley is in need of getting some help and hopefully the counseling will change her. Good luck and God bless you!!!!

Sarah - posted on 10/23/2009

I know how you feel like you need to stay to protect the children, but if he isn't stepping up and trying to put a stop to the situation then you do need to leave. My sister had the same exact situation with her step children. She has 3 of her own and then to add his 3 into the mix. It was okay at first, but the older they got the more disrespectful they became. Mainly the teenage daughter and the teenage son. My sister ended up calling the police on her own son because he needed to know that what he was doing was not right. Luckily they had a pretty decent cop that came to the house. He made sure he put a scare in them. It worked for the daughter but not the son. He feels that he is untouchable.

My sister ended up leaving her husband...and it was tough for her in the beginning....but it also made him wake up and realize how much she did and how hurtful they were. His kids are now living with their mother and her and him have recently gotten back together. Things are good now, but they had to show some tough love to his daughter and her son.

They could never get through to either one of them. So unfortunately they have to sit back and just pray that they make it okay.

Tammy - posted on 10/23/2009

OK, I appreciate what each and every one of you has advised, thank you. In answer to Felicia's question, yes Dad HAS been shoved by son and kicked and hit by daughter, my daughter is in NO danger to them, they think of her as an ally. But thank you all for your concern for her welfare. My oldest lives in Cali, she's in college. Most days when they act up like this, surprisingly my daughter isn't even around. The day son shoved dad into the head of his brand new bed and broke it and hurt his dad's back, son called the cops saying dad hit him. LOL I told the officer when he came to my door what happened then he spoke with both of them and left. Son is seldom home anymore so we don't have to many disagreements with him. Which I think is why daughter is getting worse cause she wants to be able to come and go as she pleases like son does and we won't allow it. He will be 18 in 3 months and already has a place to move in to, which is where he pretty much stays all the time now. Dad just doesn't like it, he wants him home. I say, let him go. The sooner we just let him leave, the sooner we can get daughter back on track, maybe. As far as me leaving, I have told Gary that HE needs to make things change in this house immediately or when school gets out I am leaving. My family is about 1000 miles away from here. We only have one car and it's in his name and his mom's name cause she co signed for it, I don't want it, don't pay for it and can't afford to pay for it. When school gets out I will have my tax return and it will be enough to get my daughter and I back home. My daughter is a teen herself and I have to worry if I try to leave in the middle of the school year that she will runaway. She really is a good girl but teenage girls are very emotional and unpredictable.

Susie - posted on 10/23/2009

Tuck and run baby. You are way in over your head. Physical abuse is never acceptable. You have to protect your birth daughter. These kids are not really kids. They will end up either in prison or dead with the bull crap they are doing. Where is your husband during all this he needs to step up. Tough love. God bless you and keep you safe and strong. ♥

Tammy - posted on 10/23/2009

no i was answering above hun im ok thx think may ave wires crossed lol