help, walked in on my 16 yr old daughter masterbating to horrible things

Jenny - posted on 08/30/2012 ( 27 moms have responded )

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I am a single mom of 2 teenage girls, 16 and 12. I work when they are at school and twice a week i work late as a waitress. I have had the sex talk with both of them and i have tried to instill good morals and self respect. i pretty sure my youngest is still very niave (thankfully), i question now if my oldest is sexually active. anyways they have seperate rooms and last night i walked in on my 16 yr old daughter playing with a..sex toy, while watching what i would describe as very hardcore porn. i was disgusted by what she was watching. i composed myself quickly and left the room, i didnt yell at her, i was too shocked and i'm sure she was just as emberassed as i was. it was already late and we couldnt speak this morning because her sister was around. they are at school now and i just got done snooping through my oldest's laptop. she must have thought i didnt know her password because the history goes back very far, and is even more disgusting. I'm very afriad for her, masterbation is natural and if she was watching something...normal, i would have probably laughed and thought little of it. but that was sadly not the case(i dont want to say specific topics on here) and i fear she has no respect for herself as a woman or even a human. I'm afriad if she is watching this stuff that maybe she is doing this too. some of this is degrading, humiliating, and even dangerous. then i went through more of her computer and found internet coversations she saved from this web site called omegle, and these fantasies and role-playing she has done online is just as bad as the rest.

i have no idea what to do, what to say to her, please help, comment back or message me if you want more details. i fear that she may soon or may already be partaking in these horrific acts. and even if she's not wanting to actually do this, i still think something has gone wrong with my baby.

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Sam - posted on 02/27/2013

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what kind of stuff like anal and bondage and gangbangs? heres what you should do tie her up and fist her asshole. then make her lick your hand clean. then make her like ur ass hole and pussy. then have me come over and ill fuck you and your two daughters assholes.

Michelle - posted on 05/27/2013

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I'm a single mum, I have a daughter Gemma 15 years old, I was a little worried, that she didn't seem to be interested in boys, or at least showed no interest.
I work from home, I'm self employed, but I travel quite a lot.
One day I was due to go to a meeting, which would took me most of the day.
I told Gemma, that I would be home about half 6.
But my meeting was cancelled, I got home about 5, I let myself in and went into the living room.
I got the shock of my life, there was Gemma still in her uniform, with her friend niki,
They were sat on the couch, there skirts around there waists pants off, and were clearly masterbating each other.
There faces were a picture of shock, I apologised and left the room, went upstairs to my room, I wasn't upset just really surprised.
After about half an hour, I went back down, niki had gone and Gemma had gone to her room.
We haven't spoke about it yet.

Alicia - posted on 08/30/2012

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I think you just need to sit down & talk to her. Ask her if the images excite her just because they may excite her doesn't mean she wants to partake in them. If they do than just bluntly ask her if she wants to do these things & ask why they excite her it may just be that they are forbidden & thats what actually excites her. I would calmly ask her if she is sexual active I know no mother wants to hear these things but it's for her protection so you can take her to get on birth control & to get tested. I wish you the best of luck

Tina - posted on 09/02/2012

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She probably just curious. Hopefully it's a phase. But you do certainly need to have a talk and discuss the whole self respect issue. No matter what she says try to stay calm and discuss things in a calm manner. She may or may not be active it may just be a way of satisfying her curiousness without actually part taking in any of it. But definately need to get it out in the open so you both know what's going on. Hopefully she's not acting on any of it.

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Natalie - posted 1 hour ago

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I encourage you to encourage her not to have sex or make porn videos etc but if she is curious let her be, if that is all that she is doing that isn't that bad compared to what she could be doing. It is understandable that she is curious, and everyone is at some point about themselves, and she wants to further investigate as long as she is not doing the things she sees. I would ask her if anything else is going on besides that and tell her before hand that you aren't mad at her just simply concerned that something else may be going on. And if so tell her that you'd like to know and you ask her to take care of herself and be careful. Don't yell or seem upset or she won't tell you anything. I have had previous and similar experiences like this with my daughter, from previous experience best of luck.

[deleted account]

my experience with uncomfortable experiences started when my boy was 12. i soon discovered that at a young age, there is not really much rhyme or reason to what kids do, hell it will take years to figure out what turns them on. they pretty much run fuelled by hormones, orgasms are central and any stimulus is irrelevant.
i would be concerned with images of violence, but other than this, there is not much to worry about, just be glad she is healthy, and is developing a healthy sense of her own body.
i have a boy, and all he does is masturbate, because everything seems to turn him on. i am aware of some of it, and we have talked, but a lot of it will have to wait for him to actually find a girl to share it with, so for now its curiosity.
im concerned with what you describe as degrading, as she really has no real reason to invite negative aspects of sex to her door, but maybe its as simple as the guy in the film was really cute.
kids are funny, and im just trying to let mine become a good adult, and not breathe down his neck too hard for being human.

Katherine - posted on 06/25/2014

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Is she doing better? I don't want to rule out abuse as that happened to me -- but I hope you guys can be more open about sexuality

Michael - posted on 06/24/2014

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Who cares what she does? Who are you to judge what turns your daughter on? What YOU think is disgusting might not be disgusting at all? I mean were they eating feces? What is "disgusting" to you? a girl giving a blow job? Being in the Doggy Position? Tied up? Whats wrong with that? Alot ALOT of girls (way more than guys) are into BDSM. I dont know ONE guy who is. And the guys I have ever even heard of are doing it because GIRLS asked them to. Girls are inherently sick. They want you to pull their hair and pretend to rape them. its not right. I cant tell you how many times Ive heard "Hold me down" or something to that effect.

Katherine - posted on 05/13/2014

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I am going to 'comment back' because this post distressed me so. First of all, you are a single mom. Give yourself and your daughters a break with thoughts like being em·bar·rassed by your daughter's choice of porn. First of all, you should have talked to her about her sexual feelings instead of freaking out about your own judgemental reasoning on what is 'disgusting' and what is allowed. Would a different act or style of porn have been acceptable to you? I think not. You were shocked and are exhausted from taking care of life. You thought your daughter was still the little girl who caught fireflies. Well, part of her world is extremely offensive, in fact, most of what kids are asked to endure today is about showing how nothing is sacred--not your body, not your various entry points, not your uniqueness as an individual.
BUT needed to have an orgasm (which older generations are naturally more repressed about -- I know, I am one of the older generations and my family was so messed up sexually I wish I could tell you not to worry, just be more open with your daughter and don't take everything at face value) -- anyway, just because she might be watching some hardcore (I won't even suggest because I don't want to offend you) action doesn't mean she's going to run out and meet the dominatrix lesbian and large-sized black man for a threesome as soon as you leave. She is just trying to figure out her body. I had to learn (after a horribly dysfunctional childhood--molested by my brother since I was 4 years old and I am adopted!!!! so you can guess how that was used to creep me out--my sexuality was a mess in the making). You should examine what it was that bothered you (I'll admit I am not a fan of anal so I scroll past that stuff, don't get it, don't want to get it but I would know that was MY B.S. and own it) and talk to her about what she's looking for. Kids today are so screwed up you are lucky you have a home where your two daughters are still near you -- you sound like an awesome mom. They are just stuck trying out how to be a woman. Good luck and god bless to you and your daughters. --KATHERINE WALKER (I have some experience with education/rape crisis/abused children -- I was a social worker--so I know the weird sex signs and the well, things sure are different today kinds of things). Just make sure your daughter can trust you IF and WHEN she really needs you.

Josephmx - posted on 05/06/2014

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She may be doing it because one of her friends or possibly a boy either wanted her to or liked it and she liked that, not the actual things she was doing. if thats the case, she'll either move on once that situation ends or she will think that is how she is supposed to do it, which could lead to so many other problems primarily with her reputation.
I agree with those who advised discussing it with her, it doesn't have to be difficult (depending on your relationship) but you should be direct and make her feel comfortable listening to your advice. maybe even discuss when you were her age or use a third person. remember, this is all so new to her and she probably doesn't realize every kid at her school masturbates as well as her teachers, etc. hell, I think I started at like 9 or 10 fantasizing about my best friends mother. (who actually seduced me when I was 15-she thought she was my first but my first was my 12 year old girlfriend I had when I was 14 so kids are doing it at young ages and with all the cell phones and digital imaging they are much more desensitized that my generation with Polaroids and hustler. the things your kid was watching has been seen by a vast majority of kids over 12
This is part of life, it feels good so why wouldn't someone do it?

Truef - posted on 04/19/2014

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Hi, may I ask please where her father is?
Speaking from experience, I know that girls (and boys) without dads in their lives to give them discipline, do things that are dangerous and shameful to themselves and others.

Proverbs:
29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left [to himself] bringeth his mother to shame.

Heather Jones - posted on 04/19/2014

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what should i do if my sisters daughter has to stay all night for about a year cause they dont have any electricity yet and i found her masturbating in my daughters room with my daughter a sleep.and when she got done i came to the door and she said what and i just said noting just checking and when i walked out her eyes got big and i heard her crying a little bit and she is a frade her family isent going to like her anymore and her family will tell other people or write about it on Facebook.but knowing her family they probable would tell somebody or everybody and i think she might know i know and she thanks am going to tell or i might tell my husband or my kids and i just don't know what to do.

Aliysah - posted on 04/06/2014

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I understand what it's like. I have a 17 year old daughter, Jenna, who went through this. I work through the day, so Jenna has to catch a bus home from school, I told her I would be an hour late coming home one day, so she agreed to stay at school a bit longer. I got home from work and went into Jenna's bedroom to clean it up. When I went in there she was, fingering herself playing with her breasts watching some sort of lesbian threesome. She covered herself up straight away, and I left the room. The way we worked it out was talking to each other. I told her it was natural for her to be master bating at her age, but she should be more careful when she chooses to do it. What you need to do is sit her down and talk about it.

Donna - posted on 03/22/2014

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Well masturbation is totally normal for men and women. The only concern is the hardcore porn. She needs to know that is normal sex. It totally degrades women and how we see ourselves. I am no prude by far. I've been married to my husband for 25 yrs. porn is not the soft, loving experience you have making love to someone you do love. She needs to understand this now. I'm concerned for her safety as well. Please help her to understand that the porn she's watching is not normal sex. It's not lovemaking at all. If she does partake in sex this way she will be debasing herself and will have problems with self respect and her self worth. Seek counseling or your church if she won't listen to you. Do it fast!

Sue - posted on 03/20/2014

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Well Jenny doesn't strike me as a waitress because "she" writes like a college graduate and displays a conservative agenda. I think Jenny is a misogynist teaching women how they are suppose to behave, no mom would refer to their daughters sexual actions as disgusting, there would be a reverence for feminine spirituality which I don't see in her writings. still think it was a man that wrote the "stuff"

Suzi - posted on 02/15/2014

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The anti-sex/anti-youth briagde strike again.
She's not a little girl anymore - she's at the British age of consent (which itself is at least two years too high - at heart, we all know that from personal experience).

You've got to face up to the fact that she is sexually awoken, educated and in control of her own destiny - and must stand or fall by her own sexual decisions.

Nichole - posted on 02/13/2014

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If what she was watching was like, with bodage and very rough, then just because she watches it does not mean that she participates in that kind of thing. I watch that kind, but do not participate in it. Just don't talk to her about it. It's super awkward and then after she'll avoid you for a few days.

Mika - posted on 11/24/2013

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Be accepting and do not act disturbed! You will only make her feel ashamed and a good mother never wants to do that. If she is into bondage its not that big of a deal as long as she is only with people she trust, when she is OLDER. Just have a talk with her but do not accuse her.

Kenny - posted on 01/22/2013

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we as parents cant exspect our children to do as we do or not to do as we would or have like to do . to each there own.. if you think you were a good parent and taught her well she will be fine. maybe sexualy she has more of a opened mind then some of us do.. as long as she is safe and she is loved by her family what more can you do but believe in her and her choices..

Kenny - posted on 01/22/2013

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remmber when woman that liked sex were thought of as bad sluts etc, masterbation is personal and looking at porn even though u may think it wrong , not allways does it cause problems, so talk to her see what see thinks and go from there, it may be nothing to get worried about other then you want your youngest to stay clear of her room,and the stuf that goes on in there.. Treat her like you would want to be treated if it was you that got caught.. we are human after all.. good luck,,

Jenny - posted on 09/05/2012

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Thank you everyone for the helpful and encouraging comments. All of you have suggested that i talk with her, and of course i have done so.

I '"think" i managed to stay as calm and collected as possible through the various subjects. Like i said before, i couldn't care less that she's masturbating, Alison you have it right, i'd MUCH rather her be "having fun" ALONE. But the fetishes she seems to have are things you dont come across everyday, and thats where my major concern lies.

She watches the porn and does the online role-playing in her room on her laptop, which i'm highly considering moving to the living room. I'm just not sure if i want to take that away from her, yes i know she is abusing the privilage, but in 2 years she'll be living on her own, so i'm not too sure if thats the way to go. I'm not very computer savvy, but i will try to see if i can at least block her from role-playing (its worse than the porn).

And yes Alison she did confess to me that she IS sexually active :( though has told me that these 'fantasies' and fetishes of hers stay in her imagination, but i'm not too sure if i can believe that. Who's to say if the opportunity presented itself that she wouldnt take it?

Alison - posted on 09/05/2012

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I just am wondering. Is she sexually active? I would personally rather my child be masturbating than dealing with all the pressures (and diseases) associated with sex. I think every kid goes through that at some point and I think if you pay too much attention to it, she will be embarrassed. Who really wants to talk to their parents about those things.



My teenagers are boys and my daughter is 9. Boys are totally different. Different hormones and different mentality. I was a teenage girl once and I started having kids young. My mom was single and there were a lot of stressful things going on so I found an older guy and got knocked up at 16. You don't want that. I do not regret my children AT ALL, but I do wish someone had been around to help me through all my hormonal, emotional problems because I had to learn the hard way. It sounds like you are really there for her. You just have to make her comfortable somehow. I would start by telling her she didn't do anything wrong.

Jennifer - posted on 09/04/2012

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Oh sweetie *hugs* you must be so scared and shocked for her. Unfortunately, with online role playing sites things can be way too adult for a little girl her age. The internet is not policed and so can be VERY bad for our young people. I have always told my sons to be careful what they view on the internet because seeing images too young and feeling turned on by them can create fetishes that are very hard to extinguish and cause problems in a person's marriage later. I do not in any way shape or form believe a teen should have a laptop/computer in their bedroom. My kids are only allowed to use a computer in a common space with the screen facing out. It is dangerous and something most parents don't think twice about until it is too late. I also do not believe in kids having televisions in their room. Kids are too depedent on electronics and it is also causing issues with motivation due to over brain stimulation. I would also sit down and have a talk with her, very candidly. It doesn't matter if it makes her embarrassed, it needs to happen. I had many uncomfortable conversations with my boys as they grew up and now we talk about everything. You don't have to scold or shame her but definitely open communication up and do it soon. She will shut down at first I am sure, but just keep talking, showing her you are not mad but concerned.

Susan - posted on 09/04/2012

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Wow, this is a hard & yet touchy subject.....I'm guessing she was probably embarrassed as you yourself probably felt.....this is such a very private & personal thing, I don't think you should make her feel like it was "wrong to do", not that you are. just saying, yet I feel your concern re: the "hardcore porn".....more then likely, she was just curious to watch some porno while "relieving herself". My question would've been, "where did she ever get the porn?" Or was it part of your TV's movies you can rent? I would definitely set up the "parental controls" on the TV, if that is the case. Otherwise, if it wasn't part of your TV programming, where did she get such porno?? I'm pretty sure you have to be 18 to buy/rent something like that, but I guess at 16 she has a few older friends that could've helped her out. I would be worried wondering what would your 12 yr old think if she walked in on that going on.....Maybe that would be the thing to say to her, that you are "concerned" your younger daughter would see it or walk in on her during this type of activity, "if" she hasn't already......



Whatever happens, I think I would just stress to her, that she needs to find a more "secure place" to exercise this activity, such as maybe the bathroom, during a shower or bath maybe.....just a thought. I just would not want my 12 yr old being put on the spot or to see that type of thing going on, if ever.



I really wish you the best Jenny & wish I knew the right answer, if there is one. As for now, these are the thoughts that come to my mind. Especially protecting the 12 yr old's childhood. Bad enough they grow up so quick now a days anyway.....feel free to write me a line, if you'd like to discuss it some more. I'll be thinking on this awhile, cause I have two daughter's too and a son....21 and 19 are my girl's and the older one lives w/her finance and their two little sons. But I have a 16 yr. old son and I have had my daughter's both tell me they have walked in on their brother masturbating, but I know they were just teasing him....(I always knock first on his door if it is shut.) I've never had any proof or reason to think he is doing that, but he is human and at "that age" so......I am wishing you the best Jenny.



Susan W.

Alyssa - posted on 08/30/2012

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I agree with Alicia, this i think will require alot of talking. I myself am going through something similar and i know it can be scary, i dont know where these kids learn about this stuff.. Unfortunately times keep on changing and i from what i gather most teens are sexually active, and there are soo many more teen pregnancies these days, so i would definitely have her tested if she is sexually active.

I have seen my daughter using that aweful website before too, its truely shameful some of the stuff that happens on there. i hope all turns out well

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