Help we have Disrespectful teen

Carol - posted on 05/20/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a 16 year old boy who is very disrespectful and defiant. I have raised or helped raise 6 teenagers and have never had to deal with anything this bad. when he is given a curfew he just says I forgot the time or just says he isn't going to listen to it. He is to come home after school and let us know where he is going. but he doesn't even bother coming home. sometimes he leaves for school and doesn't come home till 9:00-10:00 pm. He was at the doctor and his urine came back negative for drugs. A year ago he was a happy kid who always cared about peoples feelings and made everyone laugh. Now he says he doesn't care. We try to punish him by taking things and grounding him but he doesn't care he just goes anyway. We have tried praising him and rewarding him for doing a good job, and I have tried talking to him but he just says. Just leave me alone, let me do what I want. He may flunk tenth grade. We have always had to keep on him to do his homework but he never got close to flunking. I don't know where to go from here. He won't go to counseling. He just says no and he will not go. You may say make him but how do we make him if he just says he is not going and nothing you say will get him in the car. Please if you have advise let me know. But if you haven't been through this please don't just say make him do it because you wouldn't understand when i say we haven't found anything to make him do it.
Thanks
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Toni - posted on 05/21/2010

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Carol, I was reading your bio and I see that you have 2 children that are yours, 3 step and 3 you helped raise. Does your son look up to any of these older children? Would they be willing to talk to him? Do you think this would help? Also, do any other children live with you right now? When did the last one leave? Could this be affecting him? These are just a few things to think about. The other things to think about is a mental disorder, like bipolar or ADHD. If that is the case, medication will help him. What I would probably start with is sitting him down and talking to him, which isn't going to be easy. You may have to do it intervention style with the entire family there. You may need someone who can physically restrain him. But, you need to figure out what is going on in his head and try and make him understand that you can help him, but it will require him seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Once this avenue has been exhausted, if the outcome isn't good, then the next step would be "Tough Love". If he isn't home by 5:00 PM, the doors get locked and he does not get a key, which means he doesn't get in. If he has a car, the keys are gone, no privileges. He either abides by your rules or he can go live under a bridge, he is 16 yrs old and can legally do that. Now, one last thing I want to ask about, where is his father? I noticed in your profile, you made reference that the mother does the discipline, well maybe Dad needs to step it up. Carol, you are your child's only Advocate, not the teachers, counselors, doctors etc. ONLY YOU. This isn't going to be easy, it's going to break your heart, but you have got to move forward. I am a mother of a very difficult child, I have been through almost every scenario that is possible, I know what works. You have to stay strong and consistent. He wants a safe place to live, he wants a fridge full of food, he wants to be around his family. You just have to make him realize that. Remember if God brought you to it, he will bring you through it. Good luck and God bless.

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Natalie - posted on 06/04/2010

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Wow! I think I would contact the local police and/or sherrif department and see if they can't help you with him. Not to get him in trouble but to let him know that he will do what you say or there will be consequences. If you tell him he has a counseling appointment and he wont get in the car, he will know he will be getting in that car one way or another. The easy way or the hard way. Up to him. Some times you can prearrange a visit with an officer who will talk to them about their rights as your child and the parents rights. He will explain all the things that are available to help you if he continues to push it. I had a friend do this and it worked out great. Their son enjoyed his time with the officer but was secretly scard out of him mind. How do we know that? Because he did a 180 and greatly improved. His mother also learned to pick her battles and by lighting up just a little on her son they both felt like they won the battle and were able to be much happier.

Good Luck.

Carol - posted on 05/23/2010

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I think some of what you said Might be some of the problem. His bio brother just bought a house 6 months ago and moved out. He looked up to him. He has talked to him about things and it has helped. His Father is a part of his life but not in the disapline. He goes over and he can do mostley what he wants. His disapline is do your homework so your mom doesn't call me anymore. Or he says go home because I don't want your mom calling me. Because I did call him. Now I don't because he just makes me sound like a Bitch and it makes it worst. My husband now (his step father) Has a beter relationship with him and he has stepped in. We sat him down and talked to him and he is taking over the punishment. He told him if I have to find you, I will hunt you down, and throw you in the car if I have to. but you will be home on time. You will respect everyone in this house and start doing your chorse. ect. I think it may work. He was tring to stand back alittle because of tring to keep his father in the picture tring to get him to stand up and be an othority figure in his life. But screw that he isn't helping anyway. So maybe this will. Because I know he respects my husband very much. Well I will keep tring. I hope it goes better it has been better for the last 2 days since his step father stepped in. Go figure most people say kids don't like there step parents and mine listens better to him.

Zatonda - posted on 05/20/2010

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He sound alittle beyond grounding get the court in it. Go to the court house and see if you can get a petition put on him. I don't know what your state laws are but they give you a social worker that come by monthly and the judge becomes his parent, what the judge says he has to do as long as he lives with you.

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