Hi Guys I am having HUGE issues with my 13 yr old daughter

Shane - posted on 03/24/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi Guys I am having HUGE issues with my 13 yr old daughter last weekend she up and left the house with my grandmother with no contact I drove to my grans house to talk to my daughter with my gran interupting all thru the convesation I lost it and told her to shut the f@#k up so i can tall to my daughter and well things didn't turn out so well my gran said she was going to knock me out I said well do it then she got up from the chair and fronted before me ,she lashed out at my face and I held her arms so she couldn't do any more scratching I never rebelled and never will for she had bought me up as a child.My partner grabbed me away from my gran and told me to get out side as I left my gran told me to never return,I was bard from the house I grew up in.. I sat in the car like a naughty girl.now I have a huge issue no one will answer the phone .so my daughter thinks she has one she had a talk to my partner and said i was the cause of everything from her behaviour to her attitude at home shool work and any you can think of and the only way she will come home if I stop screaming at her and let her do anything she wants..HELP I am a shift worker and so is my partner in the Mines Ive changed my shifts this week to oppist day off my partner so some one is always going to be at home but we will never have a day off toghether anymore unless one of us takes holidays I have Three children altogether NOT JUST ONE can anyone give me some advice? I have tried everything taking everything of her talking to her grounding her even tried awarding her for routen jobs and good behavior but still I get nothing but mood swings and disrespectful behaviour. I dont know what to do Ive had a week off work to organise my change of shift and another babysitter to cover some one to be at home during change over shifts until one of us gets home

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Angie - posted on 03/25/2012

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First of all...teenagers can be very frustrating, but we have to set the standard to our children. I don't care what your gran did or said, your behavior in front of your daughter is unacceptable. Seriously, you and your gran going at it like that? ~ not going to solve your relationship with your daughter. I think the 1st step is apologizing to both your gran and daughter..whether they apologize or not...admit that wasn't the way to handle things, and request some time to sit down and decide how you are going to move forward, without arguing and fighting. I'm not trying to be mean and I'm certainly not trying to judge, because I know first-hand how frustrating it is, but you need to be the calm one, you need to be looking for solutions and if arguing/fighting starts, then you say apparently now is not a good time to discuss with emotions so high and walk away! And by no means am I telling you to do everything your 13 yo wants, there should be boundaries/ground rules set, but her witnessing your fight with your gran could certainly confuse her on where those boundaries are...Best of luck to you!

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Lora - posted on 03/27/2012

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I am the mother of 5 children and I've been there with the attitudes. Unfortunately, it is a part of them growing up and finding out who they are. Your daughter should not have left the house without your knowledge nor should your grandmother have been an accomplice in her departure. That said, you have stated that you know that you mishandled the situation. When tempers are hot, we say and do things that we wouldn't normally do. I know that I have had problems with members of my own family and the best thing to do is just walk away until everyone's tempers have cooled down. I would not have left my child behind even if it meant getting the authorities involved. As you stated by doing this your daughter thinks that she has won. While I commend your partner and their willingness to be there for your daughter, it is you that needs to take care of this situation. 13 year old children are tough to deal with but, with patience and love it can be done. Don't give up because one day she will see just how much you love and care for her. Right now your grandmother is hurting because of the confrontation. You stated that you were brought up to respect her and what happened between the two of you is probably making her wonder where she went wrong. You need to go to her and apologize (I would make sure that the daughter is there when you do this so that she sees that when an adult makes a mistake they own up to it). Let your grandmother know that you love and respect her, but that by taking your daughter it has hurt you. Own up to what you know you did wrong in the situation, but make it clear to your daughter why it is not acceptable for her to leave with anyone without your permission.

Shane - posted on 03/25/2012

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Thank you yes I do believe the way I acted was wrong,I am taking very possible step forward I have contacted a conceller and have changed shifts at work so that one parent will be home all the time and have decently minimised the babysitting down to 4 times a month for 1 hour and I'm not letting her stay with her great gran she will come home and we will work as a family unit altogether .. Letting her stay there will let her win.. And it's not going to happen on my books

Again thankyou for replying

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