Hi i have a 7 month old and the father isnt in the picture need advice

Kristi - posted on 06/20/2012

There is also another community on here that I really like and the moms are awesome. It is "mommies doin it alone" If you don't get much help here, try posting your story over there, all single moms, lots of different stories and experiences to share, very supportive. Not that moms here aren't supportive, I'm just offering another outlet if you need it.

Kristi - posted on 06/20/2012

First thing to do is come back to the here and now. You don't have any idea what is going to happen in the future nor can you control it at this point. So worrying about what you may or may not have to tell your son is a waste of your time and energy. Focus on what you can do for your son and yourself today. It might sound silly or stupid, but each day make a list of say 5 things you can do to improve your day and/or your overall situation. It could be anything from read "your son's name" an extra story at bedtime to get a sitter for a GNO to applying for a part-time job, etc. Even drs appointments, because maintaining your baby's health and well being, along with your own is an important part of being a responsible parent and adult. Check each item off as you complete it. Doing this, should help you feel a little more in control of things that are happening to you and also a sense of accomplishment each time you check something off and again, when you complete your list. If you aren't able to complete your whole list for a day, let it go. Don't judge yourself. Give yourself credit for what you were able to do and for trying your best. For this to be effective you need to make it a habit.

I could sit here and lecture you on the coulda, shoulda, woulda's about your situation. That won't do anybody any good. I will say you took the chance of this happening when you consented to having sex. That being said and you getting "stuck" with all the responsibility all I can say is Welcome to the World of Single Parenting. And be grateful Joey is at least paying child support, you have no idea how many deadbeat dads are out there that won't pay one red cent to help support their own child(ren). Take a few deep breaths and remember there are hundreds of thousands of single moms and whether people think it is right or wrong or simply unbelievable, many of them are teens just like you. So this is doable. I promise. My daughter's older sister (from her dad's 1st marriage) had her son at 15 and her daughter at 17. I had my opinions but it is what it is. She dropped out of school after her son was born. She and her mom don't always get along that well, so she was moving in between her mom's and her psycho grandma's house a lot. The dad, useless. Dating every girl with a heart beat. So you can imagine her pain and anger and fear. Well, she decided she was not going to be another "white trash, teenage mom with nothing for my kid to be proud of." She worked hard, long hours and late nights, as I'm sure you know, and she got her GED. Then she researched different schools that would help her earn a degree in a specific field of work and offered job placement upon completion. She also looked into her options for financial aid, student loans, etc. and got enrolled. She was doing great but then she got pregnant again. She was still going to her classes but her daughter got really sick and she was in and out of the hospital so much she just couldn't maintain her school work. On top of this she is still living with her nut case grandma, this woman is evil, she sets you up to fail, she makes you promises that she has no intentions of keeping and so on. Remember, she also has another young child to care for while all this is going on and what about her feelings for the father and the mess he made of things? Sounds out of control and overwhelming.

But she never gave up, she took one day at a time. She leaned on her mom, me, her older sister and even the nut job if she was desparate. Her mom & I know all to well what it's like to be a single mother with a deadbeat dad and having our hearts yanked around so she confided in us because she knew we'd understand. I hope you have at least one adult you can count on for love and support. If not your parents, maybe you could establish a relationship with a guidance counselor at school, a friend's mom, a teacher. It is important to have someone who can help you stay grounded and focused and who has some life experience. It's great to have your friends in school, too, but I remember HS and teenagers haven't changed that much, and they all talk about everything. Eventually someone gets hurt. How many times have you or one of your friends said, "I'm going to tell you this but you have to swear you won't tell anyone else because I swore Kristi I wouldn't tell anyone either...?" Ok so we are up to a list and a mentor (of sorts) On with the story and how I know you can get through this.

So her is this 17 year old girl who should be going to dances, hanging out with her friends, going shopping for new clothes and great make up, talking on the phone, etc. Instead she's strapped down with 2 babies, one who is ill, the other who drops the f-bomb and pretends to kill people instead of playing with blocks or making messes, living with a crazy lady, is still in love with baby daddy and being emotional abused by him, leftover pregnancy hormones making her feel crazy, no child support, the only new clothes she's buying are second hand (which there is nothing wrong with) baby clothes, doesn't need any new make up, who has time to put it on anymore, the only dance she's doing is the "potty dance" with her 2 year old. You get this right? She decided she was sick of living with the crazy bat and having to use money from her to help support her little family. (with crazy there were always strings attached, she always made you feel ashamed, like you were a burden) So she started applying for jobs, wherever she could. I don't know where you live but she is in a little po-dunk town so there weren't many jobs available for a 17 year old girl with no prior experience. KMart finally called her back, they only had part time hours and the hours kind of sucked for a single mom but it was a step in the right direction. She saved as much as she could, took extra shifts when they were offered and once she had a little time under her belt, she started looking for an apartment. She signed up for low income housing through the state, but was fortunate enough to find a privately owned property where your rent was based on your income. Currently, she is working full time at Kmart, she recently got a promotion that earned her $2.00 more per hour and an 8-5 schedule with every other weekend off so now she can put the kids in daycare instead of trying to find people to watch them at all different hours. She has an adorable 2-bedroom apartment that she has the satisfaction of knowing it is her home, where people can feel good about themselves and be loved for who they are. Her mom will watch the kids on one of her weekends off so she can get a much needed, well deserved break and she can spend some time pretending she is still a carefree teenager. But she's doing it, her kids are doing great (no more f-bombs or death threats lol), they are both healthy and they know they are loved. Is this a fairy-tale ending, no not yet, but nobody knows the future. And some might just see her as another irresponsible teenager who messed up her life. But they don't know her, they don't know how hard she has worked. She has a lot to be proud of, look at all she has accomplshed. She is still struggling with her feelings for the kids' dad but he keeps popping in and making promises of change and love. She finally put her foot down with him after 4 years about a month ago. She's trying to heal from that. I have full confidence in her. She'll find the right guy to love her and her kids as if they were his own when the time is right. But that is the furthest thing from her mind right now. Her main goal now is to make sure her kids know they are loved and that they feel safe. She is meeting all of their needs and she is taking care of herself as well. But she's not alone. Again, I don't know your situation, but you don't have to be alone either. There are support groups and programs for teen moms. Just reach out, if I were your mom, I'd be so happy you did. (providing we weren't already working together) Like I said, it doesn't have to be a parent, just an adult you feel you could trust and who would be there for you.

You didn't give a lot of details but this sounds pretty new so I imagine Joey is pretty scared and confused too. You guys are obviously young and I don't know about you but I'm sure he has no idea what he's doing so he's copping out, which as the male, he has the luxury of doing. Does that make it ok? No. Common? Among men of all ages. Emotions run hot in a situation like this, so it is very important to stop and think before you say or do anything you might regret. It takes to 2 people to fight so in the best interests of your son, walk away if Joey provokes you. You are going to have to focus on your son instead of Joey. Get involved in a new activity or club. Exercise. Take your son on a picnic. Get your favorite movie and a carton of your favorite ice cream and one night after your son goes to bed get into your favorite comfy clothes and enjoy! Life revolves around the 2 of you now. If you're not happy, he'll sense it and he won't be happy either. If he's not happy, you won't need to sense it he will let you know loud and clear and I don't imagine you're all that happy when he's screaming bloody murder. If you find yourself on emotional overload and you can't think clearly, take about 15 minutes and do something meanial that requires you to use the "logical" part of your brain. Count your q-tips, organize a dresser drawer, count down from 100 by 3's, put your shoes away in order of color, anything like these. Take long, deep breaths, in through your nose, out through your mouth, while you are doing your task. This gives your brain a chance to reset and refocus so you can see things more rationally and make more effective decsions. You've obviously figured out by now that having a baby changes everything. And as challenging as it is to be a mom, let alone a single, teen mom, having the unconditional love and adoration from your child is the most exhilirating and fullfilling "change" you'll ever have in your life, IMO. So,
1. Stay in school or get your GED
1. Your son's needs come first, you must think is what I am about to say or do in the best interest of my son? If the answer is unclear, then it's probably not.
(they are both 1 because they are equally as important, IMO)
2. Take things one day at a time.
3. Don't try to change things that are out of your control, like other people
4. Set up a support network. (adults & friends that can help with different things like emtional support, financial support, girl talk, babysitting)
5. Keep yourself busy, refocus your life around you and your son, less on Joey.
6. Believe in yourself.
7. Don't listen to gossip and rumors.
8. Never give up. It's always ok to fall down but figure out why you fell so it doesn't happen again, and up you go.
I hope I didn't waste your time or offend you any way. I told you about my daughter's sister thinking you might relate and maybe get a little burst of hope. I don't know if any of what I said made sense or sounded ridiculous or both. But I wish you and your son the best and IF you actually find anything that I said to be helpful or if you do just want to vent please feel free to email me. I'm not a predator. lol I've been through a lot with the girls and in my own life so I tend not to be judgemental or shaming. ; ) I'm just a single mom with a soft spot for people who feel overwhelmed and lost. Anyways, you can use it or pitch it, no worries... kcisneros@cox.net
Good luck!









The love and joy your child(ren) bring you can be overwhelming and it can give you the strength to do things you never thought possible.