how can i be a mom and friend to my teenagers?

Nicole - posted on 03/14/2012

Mom first and friends when they are grown and out of your house. My mom use to tell me I am not your friend, you have friends but I am not one fo them, I am your parent. Now we are friends but that didn't happen until I was out on my own in college.

Melodii - posted on 03/14/2012

Your teenagers didn't come through your womb to be your friends. They came through so you could raise them. Don't worry about being their friend.



As far as the fighting goes, isolate and then eliminate the source of conflict, systematically.

Christine - posted on 03/13/2012

I don't think parents can be friends with their children until their children are adults. In my opinion, if you try to be both it confuses the child and blurs the boundary lines of authority. You can be nice and friendLY to your child without being his/her friend.

Nadja - posted on 03/12/2012

you can't, nor should you want to. Your son has enough friends. you don't need to be one of them. Expect the war when you lay boundaries. He's a teen and as he becomes more independent he will buck the system that doesn't jibe with his- even if it's for his own good. If you want a good, grown, responsible, mature man at some point, don't get sad when you war, get OK with the idea that you are doing this for HIS good- not yours.



The 1 piece of advice I will give you though is that when you aren't warring- take advantage of it. My 16 y.o. son and I go to dinner- just the two of us- he picks the place and we talk about the stuff he wants to talk about organically- sports, school, college, TV shows, whatever. The conversation doesn't have to be deep, but he knows that I'm not his enemy and that he can talk to me, which makes for a better relationship all around.

America3437 - posted on 03/12/2012

There is no such thing!

Jessie - posted on 03/11/2012

I definitely agree with most of the other posts. Your son's don't need another friend, they have enough their own age. They only have 1 mother. It's your job to set boundaries and make rules. Yes having a good relationship is important, but there needs to be a difference between a "friendly relationship" and your role as mother. Kids will test the boundaries and as they get older they will push these more and more, but you can't back down. Being a good mother is far more important than being their friend.

Cynthia - posted on 07/17/2011

They have plenty of friends. What they need are parents.

Nicole - posted on 02/02/2011

You can't be their friend and their mom. You have to be their mom first. Be their friend when they are adults.

Candy - posted on 01/06/2011

Hi Martha! I've worked with teenagers as well as having one of my own for over 20 years... these ladies are so right. I have a link for you to a blog post of mine on this exact topic- it's completely free to read, you don't have to go out and buy a book. You might get some ideas from it. Here's the link:
http://auntannieschildcare.blogspot.com/...
I really hope it helps you get your thoughts together and improve the relationship with your boys.

Martha - posted on 01/05/2011

Get some support so that you can learn to slow it down and not take the bait -- it;s so easy to take it personally! Check out your local resources; if you're near Mt. View, CA, give me a holler since I know of some locally.

Pauline - posted on 01/05/2011

I have a 15 yr old daughter and our house is like a war zone!!!

Traci - posted on 01/04/2011

I have to agree with comments posted previously. You are to be a stable parent and a good example. Your children may not act like they appreciate the consistency, but they depend on you to be constant. You are NOT your child's friend. They need a good example of respect, responsibility, trust, and honest. A lot of parents fail, because they didn't give/show these things to their children when they were growing up. It may be cute and funny when they are two, but it isn't cute when they are 16. Everything you do, they see. Your children shouldn't be fighting with you and telling you what is best for them. Again, they are watching what you do and how you do. Patience, kindness, stability, and self control. We don't stop learning or practicing after we become parents.

Martha - posted on 01/02/2011

Your teenagers have plenty of friends - they need you to be a mom. Only you can model what a woman looks like in the world - she has needs, desires, thoughts, boundaries. Pick up a copy of Positive Discipline for Teenagers - that book is fantastic! Also, get support -- classes, therapy, etc.- you deserve it.

Sherri - posted on 01/02/2011

I don't my job is to be there mom not there friend. Although I love to have an awesome relationship with all my children I never blur the lines and never do I think for a second that I am there friend. I am there mom.

BRENDA - posted on 12/31/2010

I know exactly how you feel. When my daughter was a teenager, she was so hateful towards me. From the time she was about 13 until about 19 or 20...she couldnt stand me. But you have to stand your ground. The only way you can be "friends" with your children is if you let them do what they want to....and you cant do that. You have to be their parent. Its hard...but it does get better when they get older. My daughter has said she wished she had listened to me more when she was younger. Just keep in mind that you are doing what is best for them.

Donna - posted on 12/30/2010

you start when they are little.... you either raise the child to be strong and self reliant.... or to hold onto your apron strings. As the child becomes older, you teach them 'life skills' so by the time they are 18-21, they will be able to balance a check book, hold a job, and make good choices. There isn't any right or wrong answers. Its just a continual process. Children grow and change and YOU must remain flexible to their needs, and guide them in the right directions.

Michele - posted on 12/29/2010

you have to be a parent first, to guide them and teach and help them along their path in life, and if you can also be their friend after that, great. Teenagers are going to disagree with you and get mad sometimes, but if they know you love and care about them then you will ultimately be friends. they need limits but they don't want them, that's why you have to be a parent first and a friend next. Good luck

Stacey - posted on 12/28/2010

I find the most important to be a mom first and then support and nuture as much as possible.

Samantha - posted on 12/28/2010

I told my teenage daughters that when they are grown and out of my house I would be their friend until then I'm their mother and nothing more. You have to be a mom first and friend second. Otherwise what you describe happens. Keep up the discipline and stop trying to be his friend. It doesn't work that way. He needs to know and realize you're his mother first and his friend second not the other way around. I hope you guys can communicate better in the future.

Elaine - posted on 12/28/2010

It's a hard...my two older kids and I are like friends but they know I have to draw the line at times, and that's when they get upset with me if they don't agree. Yeah, it hurts! I hate it and so do they. But I have to stand firm. Eventually they come around, and get over it. It's so hard to raise teenagers in this time. My parents had less outside influences to deal with when I was a teenager. We had no internet, cell phones, etc. We weren't as savvy as the teenagers are today.

Kami - posted on 12/21/2010

Sorry I agree with most of the other posts. Strive to be a good mom not a friend. They may think you are the meanest person and not like you alot when they are teenagers but I think they will get over it. I don't like being mean mom but I once got an e-mail that explained from a different perspective how a "mean mom" is a good mom.

Jane - posted on 12/20/2010

Your question is "How can I be a mom and friend to my teenagers?". The answer is YOU CAN'T! Be the mom...and nothing more.

Ellen - posted on 12/19/2010

Being a mom comes first, which means you have to set rules and boundaries and tell them things they do not want to hear. As for arguing, why are you arguing? Be firm and clear and if they argue, state your expectations firmly and clearly one more time and walk away. If your demand is not negotiable, when they argue just state that it is not negotiable and not up for discussion. They will get mad. That's ok. It doesn't mean they don't love you. They are young and they will get over it, and they will respect you all that much more.

Ramona - posted on 12/17/2010

Your job is to be a mom. Your sons have friends, they don't need you to be a friend now. When they are grown, then you can be their friend. Your job now is to make them be the kind of people that you would love to have as a friend in the future.

Tammy - posted on 12/17/2010

I know what you mean. My sons and I are very close, they are 17 and 21, but if they don't like what I say, I get attitude and sometimes it turns into a huge fight. I just have to walk away at times, they usually come around but it is hard.

Angie - posted on 12/15/2010

You shouldn't be a mom and a friend. Be a good mom, open to conversation and respectful debate, and you won't need to be his friend. It's true, fighting is difficult but you are mom and setting boundries and steering them in the direction of being a responsible adult are you job. He can find friends his own age.

Jennifer - posted on 12/14/2010

Being friend with your teenagers is not a good idea . your their parent and as such must maintain the parent / child relationship or they tend to think of you as a friend and not a parent which will cause problems in the long run believe me i know first hand . i tried to be friends with my boys who are all teens and it blew up big time in my face.know they do not respect anything i say to them and they will not accept me any more as an authority figure in their lives . too them i am mom the friend. i hope this helps you . Hugs for what you are going thru been there done that.

Louise - posted on 12/14/2010

You have to be a mom first and set boundaries or the relationship between you will become complicated. As your children get older the relationship changes from mum disciplinarian to mum friend and confidont. All you can do for now is teach them right from wrong and try and guide them as best you can and if that means upsetting them then so be it. It is not nice to see your child upset but if you do not put them straight somebody else will. It's all about growing up. My eldest son and I battled alot over everything and now he has moved out to uni we are in touch every day and have a completely different relationship now. When he was at home he drove me insane and now he has moved away he can see why I was always on his back about things. Maturity is a great thing! For now play mum and stick to it and your son will know where he stands.