How can I hep my teenage daughter get over the heartache of her first love?

Jenny - posted on 05/14/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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My 17 year old daughter's boyfriend broke up with her about a month ago after being together for over 2 years! She has been devastated! It was her first boyfriend and first love!! He obviously wanted to sow his wild oats from his behavior and it's killing her!! It's kiilling me inside as well! He was like a son to our family and this breakup came out of nowhere!! I would appreciate any tips to help her cope and to help me as well! The emotional wounds still seem so fresh!

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Patricia - posted on 05/29/2012

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I went through this with my daughter as well. Her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her when we were on vacation to go out with another girl. My daughter was heartbroken and so was I. I couldn't protect her or "kiss her boo boo and make it better" like I could when she was little and it was killing me.
I was there for my daughter to talk if/when she needed. I would take her with me to friends houses to hang out or we'd do mother-daughter things together so that she didn't spend her time moping around the house. Eventually she started to try to move on. She reconnected with old friends and three months later she has a new boyfriend is happier than ever.
I think the only thing you could do is try to encourage your daughter to keep busy and to also try to keep yourself busy. And remember that time does heal all wounds and it will get better.

Jenny - posted on 05/29/2012

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Thank you for all the replies. I wanted to update you that she is doing a little better. She stayed busy with her sports and has a full time job for this summer! Staying busy has really been the key for her to help her move on! She even told me last night she is having fun being single! Today was a little bit of a setback when she had to see him at school but thankfully she only has two days left. Im handling things a little better now and have finally realized I can't take away her pain.... I can only be there as a shoulder to cry on. I've stopped looking at any updates on twitter and Facebook and that has helped me more than anything.... I realized I had to step back for my own sanity! So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are some bumps in the road but I know in the long run she will get over this and I will survive this as well!

Jill - posted on 07/22/2013

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Thanks Jenny. Right now she is still not telling anyone because I think she feels like a failure (like she wasn't good enough for him) and is therefore embarrassed. I am grateful it is summer and she doesn't have to go to school everyday and face him and all his friends. BUT, school is only one month away and that comes soon enough. I am hoping some of the rawness will go away. The more I think about the situation, the more I realize she is better without him...she lost all contact with friends, she put him first always but he did not, she lost confidence in some areas because if he was not happy she thought she failed him somehow and they would bicker at least once a week. In many ways though it was a good life experience for her. It was her very first boyfriend ever and she learned about love and giving of herself and sharing. He was very, very much part of our everyday life. She would never ever block him. In fact I know she is texting him behind my back and I believe she is begging him to get back together. That part breaks me because that is not how I raised her. She does not need him to define who she is. we live in a very, very small community so I know his family very well.

Georgina - posted on 06/21/2012

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Hi Jenny, I'm glad that your daughter and you are feeling better about the breakup, but don't be surprised if it takes abit longer for the dust to settle. The same thing happened to my daughter with her first love - it was only 6 months, but very intense and it is so hard to see the boy move on seemingly so easily, particularly when he has been like a part of your family. It took my daughter fully 12 months to really come to terms with being chucked aside like a piece of rubbish after he seemed so in love. In my daughter's situation her and her ex did not speak for months, as she believed he cheated on her, which he still denies. Then they became friends again and he now tells her about his latest love woes. He eventually apologised for hurting her a year and a half later! She now has a new boyfriend and has learned some valuable lessons about life. The boy, on the other hand has had a string of unsuccessful relationships with girls who have cheated on him! At the end of the day, as much as I liked the boy and it hurt my daughter, I am so glad that she did not settle down with her first love! They all need to go off and see the world and have fun before they settle down. Good Luck

Barbara - posted on 05/28/2012

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Jenny, I know what you are going through. I wondered if it was me or if there were other Moms out there that felt this way. It is difficult for them to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully we, as Moms CAN. I would try to encourage her to spend a lot of time with friends and/or get a job. Give her something to do with their mind. I have been obsessing with my daughter's situation for 2 months now. Sometimes I actually feel sick to my stomach. Thankfully she is working and staying busy - her situation is a little different in that her BFF (what the call each other) is in Afghanistan. When he left they had only known each other 2 months, but had already said I Love You, and cant wait to see you when I get back. Now, it seems the emails and texts are fewer and fewer. And she keeps reminding herself that they never committed to each other - although I know its what she wants. Hang in there and these things will work out - help your daughter stay busy (I'm assuming the situation hasnt changed much since your post was dated 5/14). Feel free to update - It feels good to talk to another adult about this and to know I'm not crazy.

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Sarah - posted on 07/15/2014

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Thankyou for all your advise on here! I have read through them all and I am going through exactly the same thing,I am a single mum so I dont have the partner to talk to. I basically knew all the answers but reasurring to hear other people in same situation, my daughter was dumped 2 months ago and would have been 1 year tomorrow, so obviously tonight she was extra upset,but stalking his fb is the worst thing she could be doing but she does like everyone else and I never realised how devastated I would feel! but nice to know that nearly all of you have said that you have felt so cross towards him even though he is just a kid and just wants to get on with his life, but it just breaks your heart to see your own child heart broken, I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel now and can only get better.Thanks again :)

Carla - posted on 03/11/2014

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This sounds similar to our situation. My teen daughter and her boyfriend were together for 2 yrs. He treated her like gold, lavished her with gifts and poems and letters. They went together everywhere, spent family holidays together and he was like a son to us. They had just celebrated their anniversary together when 2wks later he broke up with her, saying she gets "mad" at him too much. I'm impressed by how well my daughter is keeping herself busy with seeing her other friends and not moping about. I was just wondering do situations like this ever have a second chance for them to get back together again?

Chris - posted on 03/10/2014

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My daughters boyfriend of 7 months just broke up with her three weeks ago, the problem is she is refusing to let go. This has effected every part of her life. I have her in counseling and she has plenty of support but wont move on, wont hang out with friends, I need help,

Amanda - posted on 01/03/2014

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Ohhh! We are going through this at our house. My daughter dated a wonderful boy for a year. He treated her like gold, said the most wonderful things to her. My husband grew up with the boy's family, and we socialized together, really enjoyed their company.
School started and everything changed, the boy started ignoring my daughter, flirting with other girls, then she heard that he was snapchatting one of her"friends " all summer. She came home upset at another one of his cruel actions one day and I had her text him and break up.( she was too emotional to call him and break up). Anyhow, he flirts with other girls right in front of her all day long, they have many classes together so there is no avoiding him. The mean girls have pounced on her, making up lies about her, telling him that she is saying terrible things about him(she's not).
She's blocked him on all the social media, he won't speak to her at school, flirts with and contacts her friends and is nice to them. She attempted to date another boy, but broke that off pretty quickly because she realized she's still in love with the first one. It has been five months and no light at the end of the tunnel. She feels like she is losing her friends, she can't trust many of them, unfortunately, and cried last night for the first time holding onto my husband asking if it would ever get better.
We have even entertained the idea of moving away and making a fresh start. Everyday is like water torture for her. I loved the boy too and treated him like another son. My daughter won't even look at him, is a dedicated student and active in extra curricular activities. We just keep plugging away, trying to make sense out of something neither one of us understands.
We live in a small community so her options and distractions are somewhat limited. I am hoping that her feelings of love and hurt for him will dissipate over time. Until then, please wish us luck!!

Debbie - posted on 09/23/2013

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Jill, I am currently experiencing a break up with my teen age daughter and she does have to see him at school everyday. How is your daughter doing? Any advice on getting her through this would be most appreciated!

Aileen J - posted on 09/05/2013

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I have been reading this and getting some help from it my dear daughter who was way to young really has just been dumped by text by her beloved first boyfriend of six months whom she adored and the whole family really liked the first night was hell she cried howled really and said she wanted to die whilst I just held her and rubbed her back neither if us slept at all . He said he wanted to be friends but now a girls ( who I feel was probably part of the reason they broke up) is messaging her saying x does not want to talk to her till she calms down a bit. He lives some distance away and he has said they can try again when we move closer in about six months, I am torn I do not want her to loose contact in case it can be mended they were so happy but also want her to be able to move on . The bizarre thing is they were fine on Sunday then broken up Tuesday it was a bolt from the blue. She is also worried about him because he is a cutter. Love is so intense and I have no personal experience to help as I married my first love.. She loves him and I don't know if she should forget and move on or put up a fight for him they are both young teenagers the other girl is two years older and deeply manipulating My daughter is also afraid of loosing the friends she made through him. I am trying not to be directive and letting my anger disappointment and inability to tolerate uncertainty interfere. I nearly rang his mother but resisted ...

Jenny - posted on 07/21/2013

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I'm so sorry Jill. This was one of the hardest things for my daughter and for me as well! I felt helpless and couldn't fix her hurt. If she won't talk to you or a friend, see if she will talk to a counselor or a clergy person or someone else she trusts. I felt it was so important for my daughter to have a support system. Also, see if you can at least get her to block the boy on any social media like facebook, twitter, instagram! That helped her tremendously to not see what the old boyfriend was doing all the time. It will get better though. It just takes time and she will heal and move on.

Jill - posted on 07/21/2013

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This is exactly what happened to my daughter just 3 days ago. She is so heartbroken. She won't talk about it at all...not to me or any of her friends. She is still in love with him and would do anything to have him back. If I even mention anything like"Do you want to talk?" or "Can I do anything?" she shuts me out. Help!!!! My heart hurts so much for her.

Nancy - posted on 10/13/2012

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Cheer her up!! I've been there and Ashley now at 16,is aware of how boys

Are. It's normal for him as well being he is young.

Some couples stay together however....

Cheer her up let her know your there for her and she's beautiful

She will (DEFINATELY ) get over it!

2 year relationship I say it'll take her 6-10 mos to recover

100%. To love and experience and learn is a worthy life experience.

It happens, that's why there's sooo many songs we all are familiar with

And feel like """ it's my song"" :-) love hurts and it's beautiful all

At th same time!!

she should let HIM see her out having fun! Encourage her!

Goos Luck

Barbara - posted on 05/30/2012

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Jenny, I am so happy for your and your daughter. Time is your secret weapon - hahha - she will always have a soft spot in her heart for him - I know I did way back when. I am still in contact with my childhood sweetheart (some 30 years ago) and my heart still skips a beat when I see his name in my inbox. ;) My daughter is moving on (but still has some hope in the back of her mind that when her Marine gets back in 4 months they will get together). She has started "hanging out" (hate that term) with a new guy. He's totally not her type but very sweet. I'm hoping he's not the "one", but if he is - so be it. I will always hope things will work out for her and her Marine. They have that chemistry that everyone wishes for in a relationship - but the war seems to change some of these boys, so we'll see what happens when he gets back. Until then I will try to stop watching FB and not ask any questions, and pray to God it all works out. Jenny I'm glad your stepping back and letting your daughter live her life. Children seem so resilent - something that would take me weeks to get over they seem to get over in a day. Go figure - Life's to short to be miserable. If your not happy with something, change it!!

Patricia - posted on 05/30/2012

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I'm glad to hear that things are moving in the right direction for both you and your daughter. I think the hardest part is stepping back - but it's an important step to take. You will both not only survive this, but it will make you stronger (at least I know it has for me when my daughter and I went through this).

Louise - posted on 05/14/2012

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You have to jolly your daughter up and tell her that she should be out there enjoying life not sat at home and mopeing about. She is 17 in the prime of her life. If there is a party then go to it. She needs to rejoin the soical life that most often goes out the window when you are in a long term relationship. Try and get her mates rallying around too. They need to help her get out this doom and gloom. The quicker she starts to get out and about the better. I know you are upset also as he has been part of your life for two years too. You need to change that to negative thoughts and try and see the funny side of things.



help her find some self esteem by getting a new haircut or new clothes and then encourage her to grab life by the horns. Tell her there are better men out there and she is not going to find one around the house. You dont want to turn her into a sex god, but you have to encourage her to socialise. Lets face it the quicker she gets a new boyfriend the quicker she will forget the last!

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