How can i stop the back chat and attitude??

Amanda - posted on 06/06/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I have a 13 yr daughter who back chats all the time. She has a right attitude that i thought would come,once she became a teenage. I have always tried to get her to talk about how she feels and any problems she has so she doesnt feel frustrated and was hoping that being open with her would have given her the respect for me and her dad and would of hopefully prevented this from happening!! I have to ask her to do everything, everyday and it grinds me down. If i dont remind her to wash, clean her teeth, take things to school she needs, she just wouldnt bother!!
Asking her to do anything around the house always ends up in an argument and shouting match with the usual, You hate me!! You are always getting on to me, answers. Im fed up with it. Another problem is with her dad. He just makes a right mess of discipline!! She calls him names which i hate and have told him 1000 times not to put up with it, and to give her a punishment if she does it again. The trouble is the punishment is never held and she knows this and she gets round him everytime. I am at the stage where i dont say anything anymore because he just doesnt listen.
I want to nip this in the bud now before she gets to the age where she is to old to change her ways....help

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Jane - posted on 06/11/2012

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Some teens are disrespectful because they don't know any better way of communicating their thoughts. Whatever happens, be calm and in control when dealing with your teens behavior.

Angie - posted on 06/10/2012

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Kristi ~ What's the answer can also work with the attitudes as well...to keep it from escalating to an argument...not to say it doesn't need addressed later, when minds (especially ours..lol) are calmer. Simply state this is disrespectful & we are ending this conversation right now, we can discuss it later...if there is rebuttal...what's the answer?...no matter what is said in return. I fortunately had boys so not a lot of the sassy stuff but there was times it was used for that as well. It just worked on stopping any type of argument, more importantly things being needlessly said in anger and frustration. I'm a single mom too...so nobody to jump in & say listen to your mom or do what your mom said ~ it's a tough job some days...Good luck to you :)

Kristi - posted on 06/10/2012

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I'm entering this world now, too, which is exactly why I clicked on your thread. Our stories are so similar. However, I'm a single mom so that's a draw....nobody to back me up/nobody to throw a wrench into it (I can cause enough trouble all by myself!) Although, I will add that I know what's like to be undermined at every turn. When my exhusband still had visitation rights, he would reek havoc on our routine, schedules, rules, everything! I tried to get him to work with me, compromises, etc...he never held up his end. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, he wasn't just being difficult, he was intentionally trying to sabatoge my attempts to get my daughter in a stable, consistent, loving environment. Once I stopped catering to his "compromises" and pleading for him to work with me on this or that, he got bored and left us alone for a little while. Obviously your husband is not doing this to get a rise out of you but he will regret giving in on this now, when she's older and he finds himself giving into bigger things.

Grace and I have also been pretty close and open with one another, like you and your daughter. And she still contends teenagers are stupid and she doesn't want to fight with me and hate me like all teenagers say they do about their parents. (Que: Teenage Drama!) She'll be 13 in 2 months. I have reassured her that very few teenagers actually hate their parents. We talked about all the hormone changes, etc. The kinds of things we can both expect and what we can each do to help the other. I tend to over react sometimes. Anyways, just as sure as she sat there telling me she loves me and wouldn't disrespect me, not but an hour later, the huffing and puffing, eye rolling, smart-ass remarks under the breath attitude out in full force. I had to go in my room and laugh at this one. But she is like your daughter about "forgetting stuff." She does ok with hygiene and the back pack but she'll have a snack in the living room or the kitchen for that matter, and when she's done she walks away, leaving her napkin, dirty glass, wrappers, etc. wherever they lay. If I don't say something or I'm in another room, that's where they'll all stay. I don't know if I'm just asking for trouble or what but I leave it all there and wait. I watch her go about the rest of her afternoon/evening. I keep thinking, she sees it, she knows she can't leave it there, WTH? So when I can't take it anymore I'm just like, HELLO?? She says What? I point at the mess with a look of disbelief on my face and as innocent as a deer in the head lights, she says Oh, I didn't even see that. Sorry. Same thing, if I ask her to pick something up or put it away. I sooo feel your pain!

Angie--I really like your "what's the answer" technique! That sounds great! What do you/or any other moms (I'm piggy-backin your question Amanda! lol) suggest for the general snotty attitude that will sometimes rear it's ugly head? So far, I've mostly ignored it and she gets over it and then "the daughter I once knew" returns shortly thereafter. If she is straight out disrespectful, I call her on it and we talk it out, she doesn't always like it but she usually ends up apologizing. But sometimes I let her get under my skin and we end up arguing so we talk it out later, apologies for dessert. Fortunately, she hasn't cussed or called me any names. I'd like to say I don't foresee that happening, but I'm not niave enough to think that it couldn't happen. Well, thank you for asking the question, Amanda! Sorry I unloaded all that, but I'm pretty isolated and I felt so relieved to hear my feelings echoed in your story, it just kinda spilled. I wish you the best and here's to making our way through the teenage waters without drowning, anybody! lol

Sally - posted on 06/08/2012

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Welcome to the world according to teenagers. My sons the same and as Angie said I learnt to stop arguing back. now if i ask him to do something or not do something and the mouth starts i just repeat what i said remind him if he doesn't stop he will be in trouble and then walk away. Its pretty hard to keep on being rude etc if the other person is not taking any notice. Dad does need to toughen up and back you. This won't last forever. im on my third teenager and its only knowing this that keeps me sane.lol

Angie - posted on 06/06/2012

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My oldest started around this age and I was in the same boat..tired of the arguments so I decided it takes 2 to argue & I wasn't going to be 1 of them. I started "what's the answer" & the only acceptable answer is ok mom or yes mom. When I asked him to do something ie: clean room, take out trash, do your homework, etc, & he gave an excuse...my answer was "whats the answer", no matter what he said, my response was always the same until I got the only acceptable answer...oh and when we first started it, it took several times ~ he got frustrated, but I stayed calm and some of the "ok mom" responses were gritted through his teeth..lol...but my youngest picked up on it & didn't really have that issue with him when he got into that stage. After a while she should just starting to do what you ask, when you ask without having to use it, may have to occasionally (my son is stubborn/hard headed like his mother..lol). My sister used it successfully with her 8-9 yo when she started and the "arguing" ended within a few weeks. As far as her dad...boy, you guys need to get on the same parenting page or that can really be a disaster as she gets older...best of luck to you :)

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