How do I deal with my son's 15 yr old girlfriend who I am quickly learning to despise?

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

My son has started dating a girl we have known for a few years. They have been dating about 4 months now. She has always been a 'high needs' kind of girl and things haven't changed. I loved this girl as she was sweet and a generally good kid, just a handful. She and my youngest had talked about 'dating' but when they all met, her and my oldest started dating. He has never had a girlfriend ever and is now 'in love' with this girl. She does stupid things to him, like say something about a specific band that gets my son totally rialled up and almost to the point of hurting himself from the rage. He won't tell me what she said but he said she has said something. She also calls him names like 'stupid' etc and bosses him around and is always hitting him. I have taken him aside and told him that someone who 'loves' you doesn't hurt you. He doesn't listen. When they are together, which is not that often, they totally disregard my rules and completely ignore my requests. She lives out of town and when I said absolutely not for him going over there for a few days, they tried to sneak out of town with her mom when I was at work. I have had it and I don't know what to do. If I completely ban him from seeing this girl, it's going to make him want to be around her more. I don't know how to get him to see how she is not a great person for him and she is going to hurt him. She also tried to kiss my other son when he had his back turned the last time she was here. Help??? I don't want to alienate my son but I also don't want to see him screw up his life for this crazy girl. She just gets crazier and more disrespectful every time she is around and talks to me! I have limited his contact for next while due to the attempt to disappearing but things still aren't changing. Ughh!!! Help!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/03/2012

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What Kristi C. Said. Ditto all the way.

Kristi - posted on 07/03/2012

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This must be so difficult for you. Does your son know about her trying to kiss his brother? Would a brother to brother talk ever be a possibility? Maybe hearing what psycho she is from someone on his level, in his language would make a difference. Does he go out with his other friends without her? Maybe encourage him to do more things them, hoping his interests will change or that he actually finds himself relieved to be around others who don't call him names and put him into fits of rage.

As far as them not following your rules and being disrespectful to you, if you haven't already, you might try sitting down with both of them and letting them know you have been kind enough to let them spend time together in your home but you are tired of the inappropriate behavior. Take the control back by handing it over to them. Give them 2 choices and let them decide which one they want. For example, if one of your rules is they can be in his room but only with the door open but they choose to shut it anyway, ignoring you, let them know they have the choice to leave the door open and keep the priviledge of staying in his room or they can choose to shut the door and when you find it that way they will lose that priviledge for the week or next visit, whatever. If she chooses to be disrespectful to you she is choosing to leave, however she can choose to stay if she can be considerate. When they break a rule and get pissy because you are enforcing the consequence, remind them/him/her, it was their/his/her choice. And so on with each of your rules, be fair but be consistent. That is an absolute must. I hope I am making some sort of sense.

Also, have you talked to her mother about this Houdini Act? Is it worth your time to try and get her on the same page, without telling her her daughter is a beast? Or at the very least, an attempt to get her to respect your wishes and to confirm any plans the kids say they have outside of your house before she transports them anywhere. Idk, if any of this will help but I sincerely feel for you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Michelle - posted on 07/02/2012

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I totally agree with you not wanting your son anywhere near this girl but, unfortunately, you are also probably right in the fact that by trying to stop it may well push them closer. Perhaps what you need to do is explain to your son that you are not happy about the situation and the reasons why. Then tell him that you won't stand in the way if that's who he wants to be with but you will ALWAYS be there for him when he needs you or if it all falls apart. I can't think of anything else you can do really. I hope he realises soon and i'm sure he will be heartbroken when he does so just be there for him when he needs you x

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